I can’t do it

 

I simply can not participate in any conversation that delves into the SAHM / working mom debate. I can’t. It is too emotionally charged for me. I can’t distance myself enough to have an intellectual debate about it.

 

No matter how you phrase it, no matter how much you tell me you are not judging me, I can’t hear comments like “I didn’t want someone else to raise my children” or “I/we decided our kids were worth the sacrifice” without feeling a searing pain in my heart and feeling like the worst, most fucked-up mother in the world.

 

I know it is my issue, my paranoia, but comments like those hurt, like hell.

 

I know that on the other side, the SAHM moms say that they feel judged for their choice to stay home. That they often get comments thrown at them like ‘I could never stay home, I would feel like I am wasting my brain / career / education / whatever” etc.  And yes, that must hurt, but that is a barb levelled at you as an individual. It is not a comment that hits you where it hurts most, and that is the judgement of you as a mother, as a parent! The inference that you are harming your children in some way because of some sense of selfishness.

 

Tell me I am an asshole; tell me I am stupid, I can handle that.  But tell me that I am doing my children a disservice, that I am harming them through my actions, and you’ve hit me in a place that makes me gasp in pain.

 

I love Julia, I adore her. In no way was she passing judgement on me or any other mother. Her post was all about respecting everyone choices. And STILL, the post and its responses have weighed heavily on my heart for days.  See, I am too close to this shit.

 

I am doing the best I can.  I am doing what I think is best for my kids. I hate that I feel judged for it. And yes, maybe it is just my paranoia.

 

I don’t want to get into the mommy wars.  All I want is for you, whoever you are, to acknowledge that the biggest gift is the gift of choice.  That if you have choice, whether to work, or to stay home, then you have something that not everyone does have.  The luxury of choice.

 

Not everyone has the choice whether to work or not.  Sure, some people do. Some people do not.  Not everyone works because they want to escape their kids or further their career or drive a fucking sports car.  Every single morning that I leave my kids behind it breaks my fucking heart.  Every single morning. Just think about that the next time you say the things you do. Not everyone has a choice, no matter what you might think.

 

And for those who choose to work, good for them. Those who choose to stay home, good for them. But never, ever ever doubt that either woman loves their kids more or less.  Never. I love my children, more than life itself.

 

Anyway, as I said, I can’t do it.  I can’t be unemotional about this debate.  You don’t need to judge me or try and make me feel bad; I do a good enough job of that on myself, every.single.day.

 

Comments

[Colleen C]

I agree whole heartedly with you, we all do the best we can with our kids. No one should take sides - and why does it seem that there has to be sides?? Mothering should be less judged overall, and we should all have a higher level of acceptance for others choices.
We should never presume to have all the answers, or pretend we do.

[AmyElle]

Exactly.

[Melissa]

I agree with you 100%. I work and leave my girls everyday. And it is a choice. And they are still the most important thing to me in the world. I think it's hard to ignore what other people say and think, but I am trying to do that. Sorry, I had to de-lurk to tell you that you are not alone. And you shouldn't feel bad. You are doing a great job with those cute kids of yours.

Ok, lurking again now.

[Stefanie]

I stay far away from that hot topic!

[Mia]

I did the same thing as soon as I saw the subject matter and I love Julia's blog (still do).

I just don't look at SAHM as any better/worse than working moms.

[bj]

T-

I don't have any guilt about leaving my kids with others while I work. None, really, at all. So, It's easy for me to debate the SAHM issue. I wouldn't like a world where all the women stayed home with their children and don't thik it would be better for the children.

In fact, one of the things that keeps me at work is that I want this option to be a celebrated one (not just an endured one) for my daughter, and it keeps me slogging at my work (which, incidentally is rewarding and flexible, though also demanding) when it would be easier to quit.

I wish I could transfer my confidence in the well-being of my children to you (yours sure seem like they are doing fine in the loving environment that you and Rose and your mom and your family create for them), but we each have to fight our own demons.

bj

[cris]

I work everyday from 8-3 and leave my two young sons (1.5 and 4 years). I work becauase I love what I do and I have to to maintain a lifestyle I admit I've gotten used to. If moms stay home, good for them. If they work, good for them. I don't understand why it has to be a competition of sorts...aren't we ALL mothers? Shouldn't we stick together?

[1girl2boys]

I also take some of these comments personally. Even though they are not directed at me. I have 3 beautiful kids and I choose to work. Actually I don't have a choice because we couldn't afford for me to stay home. But even if we could afford it, I still want my career as well. I love my kids very much and am raising them to the best of my abilities. They are my first priority.

I just think it is so sad that this is even a topic amongst people.

[Beth in Michigan]

Heh, as one who has never had "a choice" per se, but always had to work, I completely agree with this post. Being able to choose is the luxury and most women do not have that option.

When I hear Mommy Drive-bys like this I always have to wonder if they're just insecure about their own choices, and thus have a need to defend them, or do they just lack empathy?

[lorrie]

I love my job.

I could not take off a few years and return. There are a dozen jobs in my field in South Carolina. They rarely vacate. I was just lucky, many years ago.

I don't feel a shred of guilt about leaving my kids in a loving, caring, nuturing and educational environment that I work hard to pay for.

We spend all our spare time with them. We've probably left them with babysitters 50 times in 7 years.

They are happy, healthy, and bonded.

And I bottlefed, too. (adopted kids)

And used disposable diapers.

[Lindsey]

Those exact quotations you mentioned are the ones that get to me, too. *REALLY* hurt.

[Lisa]

Isn't mothering hard enough without having our choices picked apart and dissected at every turn?

I work for a judge. I see children DEVASTATED every day by circumstances beyond their control. The things we fight about (and yes, we are fighting, AND judging, depite pleas to the contrary) -- SAHM v. WOHM, breast v. bottle, AP v. Non-AP, etc. -- these things mean NOTHING if you're a child who is not in a loving home with parents intent on raising decent human beings the best way they know how.

The MommyBlogosphere needs a lot of dose of MYOB juice, methinks.

[Kay]

I'm a working mom (outside the house) who also does NOT feel guilt. For the "worth it" comment - well, maybe my "worth it" is to be able to afford to send my kids to private school, or a decent college. To me - that is "worth it".

Fuck anybody who doesn't like what I do. I'm not raising THEIR kids, I'm raising mine.

Yes - *I* am raising my kids - even though they go to daycare. They know who Mommy is. The squeals and kicking legs and running to me with arms wide open shouting MOM - to me - that makes it all "worth it".

Tertia - I wish you didn't feel guilt. There is absolutely nothing to be guilty of.

Also - how many of these SAHMs are providing non-stop entertainment or emotional/educational activities for their kids? maybe some do. I know I couldn't. I would feel like my house had to be perfect and dinner had to be perfect if I were home all day. My kids are in a place where the focus is on THEM - all. day. long. It just would not be that way if I were a SAHM.

I admire those who can do it. I cannot. I do not want to. And that's okay too.

Off my soapbox now. Just a reader who is NOT JUDGING ANYONE!

[A Nonnie Mouse]

(Sorry I'm being anonymous, Tertia, but I'm paranoid because my plans aren't fully revealed to my current employer yet).

This is one of those debates that I don't "get", in that neither situation seems an absolute best-case for all children. I'm a WOHM and have been since my school-aged child was born, but will be a SAHM when our new baby arrives this fall. So I did one, and now I'll do the other. The WOHM situation was best for us back when child #1 was born, and it's worked great. The SAHM situation will be the best for us when the new one makes its appearance.

I think it's 1000% more important that you raise your child with strong moral values, provide good nutrition, impart healthy, positive attitudes about food, different people, different ideas, selflessness, compassion, spirituality, etc. yadda yadda, than you be with your child 24/7. I'm very quick to pass secret judgement on parents who don't do those things. I don't give a rat's ass whether or not they work out of the home. It's such a non-issue!

Lots of SAHM's *don't* do this and lots of WOHM's *do* do this. So who's the better parent? The SAHM just because they're there? No. Duh.

But I understand what you mean about passing judgement and how insulting it is. When I told my sister, a SAHM, that I decided to be a SAHM when baby #2 arrives, she said, "You'll know it's the best decision you ever made!" I've been insulted ever since that she's implying that working since child #1 was born was *not* the best decision. It WAS the best decision and I wouldn't change it if I could!

[Nicole]

My mother was a SAHM until my younger sister was out of college. My mother was deeply frustrated and often took it out on us. Said things like she sacrificed everything for us, etc. I am absolutely convinced that if my mother had worked we would have had a much more relaxed and loving childhood. Only a content woman can make a content mother. If you come home from work your spend quality time with your children. At my SIL's, also a SAHM, you can eat directly on the floor without a plate. But while she is cleaning her kitchen her kids sit in front of the TV.
Like all the other ladies said: every one of us has the right to choose her way of being a loving mother to her kids.
And Tertia, I love reading your blog. It breathes the unconditional love you have for your children. Never let anybody tell you differently.
Nicole

[sorenson]

i don't have kids yet, but as we are working on it as hard as we can, i have been thinking a lot about what kind of parent i want to be. i'm working on a theory that children are actually far more resilient and adaptible than we give them credit for, and that as long as they have good relationships with at least one loving adult and basic needs taken care of, all the rest is window dressing really. this theory helps me feel better about my own childhood, which was far from ideal. i seem to have turned out ok by all the usual measures.

so my choices will be about what will best enable me to be a stable loving adult in my children's lives, and what feels right for my partner and i.

i can't help wondering sometimes if all this fuss about the RIGHT way to parent is a part of a bigger social context, in which women's choices and knowledge and freedoms are very rarely taken seriously...

[Karen]

Thank you, from a working mom who has no choice.

[Meganann]

Like you, when I have kids, I will most likely have to work. But I really feel like the "Mommy wars" are a ruse to disguise the true war, which is the war against motherhood. Mothers are paid less when they work outside the home, not paid at all when they work inside the home in most countries, and do most of the housework and childcare if they are SAHM or worker bees. The choices are not good for anyone. If you stay at home you take an enormous hit in the workplace and financially as an individual. If you work, you are still expected to do all of the tasks at work and never miss for child issues, yet do most of the child care as well. The modern take on motherhood is a pathological damned if you do, damned if you don't arguement. If you have children, you can't win, you are automatically a second class citizen. This is wrong. Mothers deserve better. Children deserve better.

[WendyP]

My mom had no choice. I understood it then, and I understand it now. I still missed her. I want to have a choice.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

I didn't have a choice about working. Given that, I didn't see the need to go to work every day in sackcloth and ashes and try not to make more than minimum wage. I hear snarky statements all the time about women who appear to enjoy their jobs too much or who have SUVs in the driveway - like the choice is between living in poverty without the job and living in poverty with it? I long ago quit being angry on my own account with those stupid statements. I know I've done the right thing for my family. What irritates me most, actually, is the implication that my daughter has been somehow irrevocably damaged by my not finding a way to be at home with her. That there must be something wrong with her. I hear that implied when people say that, of course, some women HAVE to work, like that is such a regrettable necessity that they can just barely find it in their hearts to overlook it. Or when I made the comment that daycare isn't the worst thing ever to have happened to a child, and my BIL said he disagreed. My daughter is a wonderful person, there is nothing wrong with her, and I resent the implication that there is.

My MIL was at home with her six children. Shortly after my daughter went from a home daycare to a church daycare with lots of kids, at about the age Kate and Adam are, my MIL remarked that she thought daycare was good for my kid, that she interacted with people more and was more curious and interactive with her surroundings. I actually thought daycare was a positive experience for my kid. And as Kay says about hers, my daughter has always known exactly who her mommy is.

I have to wonder sometimes whether some of these hyper-judgemental SAHMs wish like hell that *they* had a job to go to, adults to hang with, a little walking-around money, etc., and they have to convince themselves of the absolute necessity of their being at home or they'd be too depressed to go on. Not everybody has the guts to just do what they have to do and ignore the peanut gallery.

Tertia, my mother's mother had 8 children, one of whom she lost to diphtheria. They had a hardscrabble farm in Mississippi, and while they were intelligent and morally upright folks, they were poor as Job's turkey. The kids, even the toddlers, had to work in the fields every day. If my grandmother could have put her children in a bright, child-centered daycare, or had them stay in a heated or cooled house with a loving nanny, she would have done it in a heartbeat. Maybe it's thinking about her and the options she had that have kept me from feeling guilty about my daughter's situation. Look around. Your kids are lucky as hell. Tell yourself that and go on.

[millie]

You've hit on one of the mommy wars topics that few other writers discuss: choice. Most women around the world don't have a choice. Those that are fortunate enough to have a choice often forget that.

Why can't we women just support each other? I know I'm not 'there' yet but I hope that I would always support that others know what's best for their family. Every mother wants the best situation for her and her children.

I also think if there were more flexibility from employers this might not be such a big issue. If there were more job-sharing opportunities, longer family leave policies, better high-quality affordable day care (especially on site) then we could all find situations that suit us better. Why aren't parents fighting for these sorts of things instead of fighting each other? Think of what we could accomplish if we put this negative energy towards something much more positive.

[rebecca]

you need to do what you can do to survive. you're doing what YOU think is best for your family. you're helping provide for the children you fought so hard to have.

your children won't love you any less because you're working. they'll grow to understand why you did it. and it's not like they're in daycare 24/7 (like some of the children i've seen at centres i've worked at)

they're at home, with your friend, your nanny. someone they know, love and trust.

you're a good mum. any child would be lucky to have you as their mum!

[dawn]

T - I am sorry that you are made to feel bad about your choice.

I make it a point, when asked, to tell people that I stay-at-home because I wanted to and I am LUCKY ENOUGH to be able to. It is as simple as that - I am extremely fortunate that I am able to do what I wanted on this matter. Many people cannot - many women want to stay home, but cannot. Some women want to work, but cannot because they need to stay home with their children.

The way I see it is this: I don't breastfeed; I am a stay-at-home mom; I am hoping to home-school; I won't let my daughter pierce her ears until she is 12; I won't let her go to a friend's house unless the parents are home; etc etc etc. These are choices I am making for myself and for my daughter. Do these choices make sense for EVERY MOTHER? Absolutely not. I know what works for me, I know what I would like to do, and I am going to strive to do those things. I have enough to worry about with my own child to bother to tell other mothers how to raise their children, or tell them that their choices are wrong. How would I know, anyways? What is right for one child is not right for another. Until I have spent the same amount of time with someone else's child as I have spent with my own (which clearly would never happen), I cannot claim to know what is best for them, or for their parents.

I hope you won't feel so bad - I certainly don't think you are doing wrong by your kids - just look at their brilliant smiles in all the pictures you post!

[gkk]

Tertia, you have hit the nail on the head, it all comes down to choice. Whether you're at home or at work, there will be people lined up to tell you you're doing the wrong thing. If you're lucky enough to have chosen your particular situation you will have confidence in that decision and criticism will roll right off. Being constantly made to feel you need to defend a "choice" you didn't make I imagine would be incredibly difficult. I hope you know what an incredible job you're doing Tertia, don't let anyone tell you differently.

[C.]

Not a Mom, and will never be one, though i do love the mommy blogs. This is not intended to start a debate, merely a rhetorical questions but why arent there conversations about stay at home dads. Why isnt it the "responsibility" of the dad to stay home? Why arent dads made to feel guily or have to defend their decision to continue to work? Set aside income, etc.

Personally I would go mad if I had to stay at home all day every day, with or without kids. I love the challenge of my job and that wouldnt change with kids and I am sure other career women feel the same. It is a non-issue. Stay home, dont stay home, no one and I mean no one is in a place to judge anothers decisions. Shut the fuck up and mind your own damned business.

[iheartnewyork]

Exactly. Thank you.

[Molly]

(This is long....sorry. Feel free to skip.)

I am coming out of the woodwork all over the blogosphere this week! Hot topics are, well....hot right now I guess. I am about to return to work next week so this is all very fresh for me. I will likely leave my 4 month old daughter in day care. I don't have a choice.

I didn't have a choice about breastfeeding either--I am unable to do so exclusively, so I supplement with formula. I'm afraid I will likely quit breastmilk altogether when I return to work. So, anyway, double whammy. I DO feel guilty about these things, but not because I think they're wrong. I feel guilty because I allow a select few loud and sometimes mean mommies to make me feel that way. Because I am new at this mom thing and it is hard and I have insecurities. I am vulnerable. I need advice and help and usually I get it, but sometimes I also get guilt-trips. I've heard some people say that the only moms who feel guilty regarding these issues are those who know they made a bad choice. I think that's incorrect. Maybe true for some, but certainly not all. I feel guilty because I'm told I should, I'm told I'm wrong, and well? I'm vulnerable. I need to work on that, but mothering is hard and it has a sharp learning curve.

There are lots of SAHMs who are supportive of WOHMs, and lots of breastfeeding moms who support formula-feeders. But there are a few very LOUD and very opinionated mamas who feel the need to attack....why?

Because I have been at home for almost 4 months, and because I have continued to breastfeed my daughter whatever small amount I can, I feel I have an interesting perspective right now. I can see how hard it is to continue nursing a baby (at all, but especially if returning to work), and I feel every day how hard it is to stay at home entertaining a tiny human all day every day. Maybe? The moms who attack WOHMs and formula feeders? Maybe they resent the difficulty resulting from the choice they made. I think some moms were born to nurse or stay at home, maybe those moms find it easier. My own mom was that way. But for others, maybe it feels like putting baby before mommy in such an extreme fashion that resentment builds. Maybe the sacrifice is especially hard for these moms, but they do it anyway because they feel they should. And maybe, if this is so, they feel the need to press guilt on those who do differently because they need to feel that their sacrifices were necessary. They need to feel that their choices were the RIGHT ones because they are having a hard time and need to feel it is justified.

I don't know...I'm just speculating. Most of the moms I know support each other no matter what choices we make, but there are these few loud, opinionated, sometimes mean moms who make a fuss. And I just wonder if they're happy.

[pepper]

I can't do this argument either - both sides seem to think it's black and white, which is SO isn't. I am very fortunate in that I am able to work part-time and my career (PR/journalism/editing etc) is thus that part-time work can still be challenging and stimulating. I have no intention, however, of staying part-time forever.

And as a datapoint, I do not have a single full-time SAHM mum among my long-term friends.

[Malone]

I agree, I do not think this is a conversation that can be had without hurting someone's feelings.

I have always believed that every family is different and each family has to decide what works for them. This applies to becoming a parent or not, how one becomes a parent and how one parents as well as all other family issues.

If it works for your family - all family members are healthy and happy - it cannot be a bad choice.

This is why I gave up listening to assvice when my dd was very young. I don't tell anyone that I still rock my 17 mo. old to sleep every night and that my husband sleeps in the guest room b/c he is a bad sleeper and it helps him get some sleep. We are all healthy and happy doing the things that work for us as a family.

[Katie]

I work outside the home. It works for me and my 23 month old DD, who is in an excellent daycare. I try not to judge, but I HAVE felt judged by some SAHM's. Not all - most women are supportive of each other's choices (see this discussion thus far), but not all. The thing that sort of irks me about some SAHM's is that when they mention their choice to stay home with their kids b/c "I didn't want to have someone else raise my child," they often don't mention how other factors figured into the decision to be a SAHM. SO many of the SAHM's that I know now HATED their jobs. That's fine, but at least mention it as part of the reason you're at home right now, and it's not just ALL about you raising your own child, etc.
That's my pet peeve on this hot-button issue. Like you, Tertia, I'm pretty close to it and I do find it hard to remain unemotional about it.
Katie

[Teendoc]

Some months ago I got in trouble in my blog for my discussion of SAHM and how they were viewed in my family (by my mother, especially). Without rehashing all that brouhaha, let me say that I will never, ever, short of someone performing ECT and rewiring my entire personality, be a SAHM. I have no example of it in my family, and thus it is not something that I ever aspired to be.

My mom was a doctor, my aunt is a doctor, my sister is a doctor and I'm a doctor. To me, this job is more than a job to be discarded for a time. It is a calling, a commitment, even. This is how my mother saw it. We were thrilled to say that our mother was a doctor. That was a rare and special thing for us. She gave me an example of independence, of purpose in life more than "female roles" would allow us to have.

And considering how well her three kids came out, we would never entertain the thought that being a SAHM is somehow better than being a working outside the home mother. There is no better option or winner in this race. Both choices are valid and good. And different women choose different paths. I know my path will be to model for my kids what my mother modeled for me as a successful, dedicated physician-mom.

[Moxie]

The whole topic of Julia's post came from the Linda Hirshman articles. Hirshman wrote an essay a few months ago (maybe a year ago) in which she excoriated women who stayed home to raise their kids (even for a few years) as selling out feminism and selling out other women.

I have major (MAJOR) problems with the data subjects Hirshman used as her evidence. But my real problem is her assumption that childcare is worthless. The actual quote that Julia pulled is "the tasks of housekeeping and child rearing were not worthy of the full time and talents of intelligent and educated human beings. They do not require a great intellect, they are not honored and they do not involve risks and the rewards that risk brings."

So she's basically stating that it doesn't matter what happens to children. And that anyone who chooses to care for children full-time is wasting her time.

Now, the only people who know how important raising children is more than SAHMs are WOHMs, and the only people who know how important raising children is more than WOHMs are SAHMs. Whether you're at home with your kids full-time and know what each minute with them means, or you chose the absolutely best care you can for your kids while you're away because you know what each minute with them means, you value raising children. You pay your care providers whatever you can to give your children the best care they can give.

But the other thing is that Hirshman isn't talking about the kids of jobs that we're all working. She's not talking about marketing managers. She's talking about partners at law firms, politicians, tenured professors, and heads of companies. So even the full-time WOHMs aren't the ones Hirshman approves of, because in her world anyone who isn't at the very top is selling out.

I think Meganann hit it on the head when she said that the war is against mothers. Someone earlier in the comments was sneering about a women who was a SAHM by saying "but while she cleans her kitchen her kids are in front of the TV." Where else are they supposed to be? If you don't have someone else to clean your kitchen for you, what do you do? What about the WOHMs who are away from their kids all day and then have to come home and clean their kitchens and let their kids watch TV while they do it? Why are women pulling double shifts, no matter what they do?

Anyone who reads dad blogs knows that the dads want to engage about this. But the "mommy wars" media sell-outs (Hirshman, Judith Warner, Leslie Morgan Steiner) don't want to talk about it, except to moan "Where are the fathers?!" so dramatically. These writers are whipping us all into a frenzy, getting us to think about how everyone's judging us so we might as well lash out at the other side to even the score. And they get Op Ed articles and Nightline appearances while we're just trying to pay our mortgages and make a dinner that everyone likes.

Enough with those anti-mother women. Let's stick with Miriam Peskowitz instead.

[Flicka]

Love you. Great post.

xo

[wix]

Tertia, I understand where you're coming from and why you've written what you've written. I haven't read the discussion at Julia's, partly because I've fretted about the mommy-vs-mommy bullshit for more time than I ever should have. I haven't read any of the comments here, with the exception of Moxie's, because I have really checked out of the debate, as I am damned if I do, damned if I don't when it comes to working and a host of other circumstances/decisions.

I felt a thousand times better when 'spirited discussions' inspired by self-styled experts like Warner, Hirshman, et al, stopped bothering me. I am not sure why they bothered me in the first place. I hope that you eventually get to a place of not caring, too.

[meg]

Tertia,

I’m so sorry that this is such a hard topic for you. I had left a comment on Julia’s blog and have written about this one on mine, and have no idea if it was something I said that upset you so. (I was one of hundreds, so probably not).

You have talked about the situation in South Africa, how two incomes are necessary to have a safe house, neighborhood, school. You have someone you love and trust caring for the babes. I honestly think you are making the best choice for your family…that you and Marko are the only ones who could even make that statement anyway.

I do agree with you that the biggest gift is that of choice. There are plenty of mothers all over the world who would be grateful to have a fraction of what you and I do…to have even a fraction of the choices we do.

Sigh. All the best to your family

Meg

[Jen3 @ Amazing Triplets]

I think everybody does the BEST job they can. Especially when it comes to their kids. How can you NOT get emotional when you think that people are attacking the way you are raising your children?!

I took off the first year after our triplets were born and it was HARD work. I went back to "work" (more like a vacation) when they were 12 months old. I work 2 days a week, DH works 3 days a week. When he's working, I'm home ... and vice versa. Thus far, we've been able to manage all of the baby care w/o any outside help. This gives both of us an opportunity to have our careers - and be home with the babes. It's a great arrangement for us and we're lucky to have it.

[Blair]

Tertia - I am a working mother. I love to work, I need to work, not so much for financial reasons, though that plays a part... but I need to work in order to be a better mother. I envy mothers that don't have to work, but it is a misguided envy. I am providing for my child by being the person I am. I think, in my own case, I am a better mother because I work. But I HATE that kind of judgemental crap about making all these sacrifices that everyone else should. Every parent is different, there are an equal number of horrible mothers that stay at home when compared to those that work... and their badness is not because of where they work (at home or an office) it is because they are bad parents. Frankly, when I see someone passing judgement on working or SAH mothers, I think that they are fostering a culture of hate and judgmental justification in their children and THAT saddens me so profoundly and deeply, because our world needs a lot less of that!

[Blair]

Oh and that Linda Hirshman is a failure, because she fosters that kind of hate too!

[Cristy]

I think almost EVERY mother second guesses, has guilt on their desicion to stay home or work or if they have to work etc etc. I have to work part time and I still don't feel like I get enough time with her. Then on the other hand she drives me nuts. I don't want other people seeing her firsts and that would break my heart as you've said it does yours. I think it's lucky you have one sole caretaker for your kids and that would help me feel better about it if I had to leave her full time with someone. You know you could get a webcam to use at work maybe and view the kids playing on it. It might lift your spirits.

Everyone has their issues about this and your right there is no right or wrong you have to do what works best for your family.

[Judy]

Hey - just wanted to send you a (((HUG))). You are an AWESOME mommy, and do NOT let shit like that get to you. I think we all do what is best for our own situations. You are doing a FANTASTIC job.

Muah!

[Croft]

Amen!

While I am a SAHM, and I can only imagine the emotions you feel when leaving your babies every day as well as the turmoil you feel when you hear insensitive comments, as you said the whole point is choice. Too many moms do not have the choice to stay at home (or to go to work), many choose to work for a variety of reasons, and many others choose to stay at home or work from home for their own reasons. None of these decisions are wrong, and none are easy! And to make matters worse the judgement on both sides is insane. I get so sick of the comments "Do you not get bored staying at home all day?" "what exactly do you do all day?" "so how is Dr. Phil?" (said with sarcasm) and the Dutch government telling me (and other moms who take time off to stay at home) that they should have pay back their education expenses since they are "wasting" their education by deciding to stay at home (even though most moms return to the workforce after their kids go to school).

I chose to stay home for a variety of reasons. Mostly it just felt right and I did not love my job enough to work for nothing, which is exactly what I would be doing at the end of the day to pay for daycare (I am not kidding I calculated I would have 200 euro at the end of the month after paying daycare).

Can't we just all respect each others choices and move on? This time moms spend judging eachother could be better spent playing with their kids anyways :-)

[Lila]

We all do our best. We all have some choices we can make, other choices are made by others for us. Some of my German friends would love to go to work but can't because there is no infrastructure and a strong prejudice against working mothers in small towns. If we are honest, we often feel a pang of envy, one of the other. The world is organized in a way that makes us feel inadequate, no matter what we chose or what we have to do. Let's not be judgmental. None of us can eat the cake AND have it.

I raised my four kids on a kibbutz which is a nearly ideal place because the whole community helps to raise the children, all mothers work and all fathers are involved in the raising of the children. Nobody makes a fortune, the whole little community revolves around the needs of families and children. I feel how lucky I am - and yet, there were times when I was jealous of my friends who stayed at home, just like they were jealous of me when I had so much satisfaction in my job.

There is no way of raising children without feeling guilty about something. But if you look at mothers individually: we all make such a hard effort to do our best. We shouldn't make each other feel bad but just the opposite: tell each other we do a great job in an imperfect world. the women you collected here as your readers, Tertia, are supportive of each other and mostly not judgmental. I think that's a proof of the integrative and healing power of honesty ;-)))

[Joc]

I have been a mother for nearly 11 years now, and it is so sad to see this debate is still alive and kicking. I have been extremely forunate in that I have had the choice of staying home because that is what I wanted to do and our finances were such that it was possible. But if for any reason I had wanted to work, then that would have been possible for me too.

I think the most important thing is to do what is best for your own family, and I dont think anyone has any right to criticise anyone else for their choices.

Tertia be confident in your abilities, you are doing a great job as a parent, and so long as your choices make you happy, that is all that really matters. I know other peoples opinions can be hurtful, but they dont really know the whole story, neither do I for that matter, but the honesty in your writing conveys a lot about you and your family, and from my point of view you are doing the absolute best you can for your family and you should be proud of that :-)

[Sharon]

Wow! So this is a peek at "Mommy Wars?"

The only thing I know about mommy wars is what I read on blogs. I never really understood the concept and I really do not see what the big deal is. Just another way to separate people into groups.

Ignorance it bliss. I like my blissful world.

**Life is a journey made of choices and decisions. The journey may be shared with others, but choices and decisions are personal and do not need to be defended.

[Anne]

Choice here is the key issue. I am so tired/angry/irritated with the dewy-eyed use of the word 'sacrifice' from some SAHMs. Not all SAHMs I stress, just some of them. They have had to *sacrifice* some things in order to stay home...good for them that they have things they *can* sacrifice. If I was to stay home that would be the end of health insurance and quite possibly our one and only car...we wouldn't be able to insure it, register it, repair it, buy it new tyres or put fuel in it.. Don't know about you but I don't see health insurance, internet, blog and car as inessential luxuries, but if I was to leave work tomorrow they would be the things that I'd have to sacrifice. Basically, I have no choice right now. I did have a choice for 4 years and I decided to stay home. But 18 months ago that choice was taken away. I don't resent going to work. I don't think I am doing the children irreperable harm by being at work 2 days a week, but I do resent that I no longer have a choice.
Choice is the thing.

[Beret]

I'm a SAHM who bottle feeds my son and bottlefed my daughter. I don't go near the breast/bottle debate because in the end it doesn't matter what anyone else does or says. Why should anyone waste a second of their life worrying about what some commenter on the Internet says about her parenting choices?

Stay far away from the debates that escalate into the "mommy wars". Life is too short, enjoy your babies!

[Jen]

Well said Tertia. No mommy drive-bys.

[cursingmama]

Sweet goodness - I didn't read all the comments but it looks like most are positive. It is my feeling that in order for women to have the ability to make the choices that are best for their families overall (which is different for each and every family) that we need to stop the fucking battle amongst ourselves and accept each others decisions without judgement.

[Ruth]

Well said. What you wrote about how SAHMs get criticized for who they are as individuals, while WOHMs get criticized for who they are as mothers, very much resonated with me. This is all bullshit. I'm going to take the advice of several commenters and check out. I am lucky enough to have a choice, I've made it, and my family is full of love and happiness. That's what matters, for all of us.

[Gretchen]

I'm a SAHM. I cringe when I hear other SAHM's say "I stay at home because my kids are worth it." I don't think that's a well meaning comment, it's a dig and it's meant to hurt, how could anyone think otherwise?

I don't think I'm better than WOHM's nor do I look down on other family's choices or arrangements.

We're all trying to be the best parents we can be, and it's damn hard work. Why can't we just support one another?

[mare_imbrium]

Actually I am a stay at home mom (well, I'm in college, so most-of-the-time-stay-at-home) and I got told by my pediatrician that I need to send my three year old to preschool because at home he'll "be bored." So there you go, people attacking the mothering of stay-at-home-moms. :)

I hate this stuff because no matter what anybody does there's going to be somebody out there who thinks it isn't good enough. Bah!

[mamamarta]

i stay home because it works for me and my family. but mostly because it works for me, truth be told. i was a high powered lawyer, clerking for a federal judge, working in a big bad law firm, and i hated it. now i "stay home" with my kids. i also chair the board at my daughter's charter school, have several leadership positions at my church, and am a la leche league leader, all of which is intellectually rewarding, puts me in contact with really interesting people, and gives me a sense of accomplishment. i also really love doing homemaking tasks such as cleaning, gardening, baking bread, and hanging the laundry to dry, all of which put a sense of order and beauty in my life, give me time for meditation and reflection, and create a spiritual balance in my life. and i do all of this while spending more time in close physical proximity with my children than many women who work outside the home -- which for me, most of the time, is really lovely. and works for them and for me. and we can afford it, so i do it. and sometimes actually it's just crazy-making, and i'm sure my kid would be better off in a structured day care than being yelled at to get off my lap so i can finish my work, or being plunked in front of the t.v. so i can clean the bathroom. and that's our life together -- the good, the bad, the ugly. so far it's mostly good, so i stick with it. it happens to work for me and my family. it's very much about our values, but not primarily our parenting values, truth be told. i know so many people who work outside the home, who pay other folks to take care of their kids, and who have beautiful children, rewarding careers *and* family lives and spiritual balance -- it's just absurd to me to suggest that there's one way to do this parenting gig. i'm so in awe of all the really remarkable, creative ways that parents figure out what's both necessary and possible for them and their families, and make it work. i just don't get why this has to be a contest.

[Blondie]

I've had an opportunity to enjoy both aspects...

I'm back at work because like you, it is what I have to do. I feel the same pain and hurt like you...

((hugs))

[Ingrid]

Tertia, I feel for you. I was so relieved I could cut back for a few years when the kids were very small; however, we paid the price in financial stability.

Remember this: good childcare is not a hardship for children. Their crying when you leave doesn't indicate otherwise. There are no reliable studies showing kids with SAHMs do better on any objective measures. None. Nada.

There are no reliable studies showing childcare kids are better off either, but my kids are anecdotal evidence FOR childcare. I was very picky about nannies and childcare centers, granted. And every one of them enriched my boys' lives. They taught my boys many things, including how to depend on and have relationships with non-family adults. The world is an emotionally safer place for them because of it.

When women say "we decided our kids were WORTH it", I roll my eyes. People who worship at the alter of The Children aren't always the best parents, in my observation.

[baseballmom]

Well said, well written, and you're a fantastic mom...don't ever doubt it!

[Sarah V.]

Just wanted to say this:

I'm the daughter of a full-time WOHM. Having my mother be a WOHM was absolutely, unquestionably, the right choice for our family. If someone said to me "I am going to give you the chance to go back in time to your childhood and to make the decision yourself as to whether your mother stays at home or pursues her career", I would choose for her to pursue her career, in a heartbeat.

Different situation, different reasons. For my mother, the reason for working wasn't so much financial (things might have been a bit tight but we'd have scraped by without her salary) as the fact that she would have gone stir crazy at home. She loves me and my sister more than she or I could put into words, but she loves her career as well, and it's an important one, and she does very well at it. If she had stayed home full time she would have gone nuts with frustration, and she would have ended up being the 'smother mother' type of mother, and that would not have been good for me or my sister. Or for her, for that matter.

So, does this mean I'm against SAHMs? Hell, no. Because another woman is not going to be the same person as my mother, or have the same circumstances, and so what worked for us will not necessarily work for another family. What I do know is that what my mother did is what worked for us as a family, no matter whether or not it conformed to anyone else's ideology. And it has left me with a passionate belief that if a woman believes that it's the right thing for her family for her to WOH, then she should. If she believes that it's the right thing for her family for her to SAH, then she should. *She* knows what the pros and cons of either decision will be. A complete stranger, no matter how much they might know about the WOH/SAH debate in general, doesn't know *her* family and is not in a position to make the decision for her.

You've told me that it's better for your family if you WOH, and you've made it clear that that's something you've put a lot of thought into. That's all I need to know in order to know that it is, indeed, better for your family. I'm sorry to hear you still feel bad about it and struggle with it - I'm betting Adam and Kate won't, once they're old enough to understand.

[Sarah V.]

Oh, and that silly line about people not wanting somebody else raising their kids?

The au pairs took care of me while my parents were at work. My mother and father raised me. Kids are smart enough to grasp the difference, even if narrow-minded judgemental adults aren't.

[Kris]

Truly emotional subject.

My take on it: raising children is far to important to be left to amateurs with just one or two child experience.

What rattles me most about the debate is the hypocracy. Is it just the first 3? 5? 6? years that SAHM claim they are raising their children? Do they stop raising them when they go to school? Granted, there is a vocal home schooling community, but it is still minor compared to SAHM proportions.

Another bit of hypocracy - why do some argue so vehemently for the sacrosanct right to SAH, while still begrudging "welfare mothers" their meager monthly allowances to do the same?

[Sonia]

Just a thought...
How many dads out there are going, "gee, how do I balance my career and my family?"

We women are the ones who enjoy the heaping helping of guilt.

My thoughts (as a SAHM):
-Most of my friends are WOH moms. I support their careers and they support my choice to stay home. They also don't bag on me that I must be too stupid to work and I don't bag on them that they must not love their kids because they work. It's nice to have a network of friends who support each other whether they work or not. We do that, and it's nice to have a balance like that.
-If many of the moms who work suddenly didn't, the United States would shut down. I think of all the things in my family's life, both directly and indirectly, that are thanks to a woman (with a family) working that job.
-I think the end all result of feminism is to empower women to have a CHOICE. To work or to stay home, whichever is right for them. I CHOOSE to stay home. I love it. I'm not June Cleaver and every goes right and the kids don't make me crazy some days, but I am glad this is what I do.

[kelly]

Call me crazy but I could care less if my neighbor or friend chooses to work, or chooses to stay home. It is none of my damn business - and I truly could care less what they think of my situation. My children are deeeply, deeply loved and I want them to come from a home where they know they are loved - they are my priority, not the opinions of other people. Love has nothing do with working or staying at home. I really truly can't believe how incredibly, incredibly judgemental people are. Honestly, I barely read blogs or many parenting web sites anymore because I find the debating and cat-fighting so incredibly juvenile. But, I also run into it in real life and it truly baffles me when I do. I had someone once say to me "oh I have to stay at home with my twins so they know they are worth it and I didn't want someone else raising them."

I smiled and thought for her to say that after I said I worked - yes, I work - gave me great insight into her and her personality. I didn't feel guilty or hurt - I just thought she was insecure about her choices to give such an explanation. I work - I don't need to list the reasons why so don't list the reasons why you stay-at-home plesae. When she followed up that statement with "do you want to arrange a play-date with our kids." I gently said, "No, thanks." I smiled and walked away.

Life is about choice - I am not responsible for your choices nor do they have anything to do with me - I don't use other people's situations or choices to puff myself up or make myself feel good so I would assume others wouldn't either. But, people do and people are rude so I choose who I spend time with and that is loving, non-judgemental people - working mom or stay-at-home mom, breastfeeding or formula - that has nothing to do with it. It has to do with kindness.

[Rachelle]

I am a SAHM and it's a choice that works for me. I had my child enrolled into daycare earlier this year but - again, because I had a choice - I felt he was a little young and I would prefer him home for another year. Again, this was a judgement based on what was right for me and what I thought was right for him. Having said that, 90% of his pals are in childcare and seem to love it. But he is a bit of a clingy individual, and I have the ability to stay at home, so it worked out best for everyone.

I am in a privileged position in lots of ways - I don't have to work and I had a good career before I had kids - but I still wouldn't try to say that one way works over another. It's what's best for you and your child. For me, I really enjoy the day-to-day at home, but it wouldn't be so easy if my husband wasn't at home most of the time, too. So we're lucky. And I freelance at night.

I'm not trying to put a view forward - you just seemed to be asking what individuals preferred to do, and I'm telling you what I - me, alone! - like to do. I would never say this is the right path for others, and as I pointed out, most people don't have the same choices I do.

[JustLinda]

I'm way behind on reading your posts, so pardon my tardiness in commenting to something that is a week old. But I had to say SING IT, SISTAH!!! I feel the exact same way.

I, personally, do not and never have felt that SAH moms waste anything. I'm glad they can and do the thing that makes them happy and can keep their family afloat financially. I only wish they could have the same good thoughts about my working, whether it's by choice or necessity.