I can’t do it

 

I simply can not participate in any conversation that delves into the SAHM / working mom debate. I can’t. It is too emotionally charged for me. I can’t distance myself enough to have an intellectual debate about it.

 

No matter how you phrase it, no matter how much you tell me you are not judging me, I can’t hear comments like “I didn’t want someone else to raise my children” or “I/we decided our kids were worth the sacrifice” without feeling a searing pain in my heart and feeling like the worst, most fucked-up mother in the world.

 

I know it is my issue, my paranoia, but comments like those hurt, like hell.

 

I know that on the other side, the SAHM moms say that they feel judged for their choice to stay home. That they often get comments thrown at them like ‘I could never stay home, I would feel like I am wasting my brain / career / education / whatever” etc.  And yes, that must hurt, but that is a barb levelled at you as an individual. It is not a comment that hits you where it hurts most, and that is the judgement of you as a mother, as a parent! The inference that you are harming your children in some way because of some sense of selfishness.

 

Tell me I am an asshole; tell me I am stupid, I can handle that.  But tell me that I am doing my children a disservice, that I am harming them through my actions, and you’ve hit me in a place that makes me gasp in pain.

 

I love Julia, I adore her. In no way was she passing judgement on me or any other mother. Her post was all about respecting everyone choices. And STILL, the post and its responses have weighed heavily on my heart for days.  See, I am too close to this shit.

 

I am doing the best I can.  I am doing what I think is best for my kids. I hate that I feel judged for it. And yes, maybe it is just my paranoia.

 

I don’t want to get into the mommy wars.  All I want is for you, whoever you are, to acknowledge that the biggest gift is the gift of choice.  That if you have choice, whether to work, or to stay home, then you have something that not everyone does have.  The luxury of choice.

 

Not everyone has the choice whether to work or not.  Sure, some people do. Some people do not.  Not everyone works because they want to escape their kids or further their career or drive a fucking sports car.  Every single morning that I leave my kids behind it breaks my fucking heart.  Every single morning. Just think about that the next time you say the things you do. Not everyone has a choice, no matter what you might think.

 

And for those who choose to work, good for them. Those who choose to stay home, good for them. But never, ever ever doubt that either woman loves their kids more or less.  Never. I love my children, more than life itself.

 

Anyway, as I said, I can’t do it.  I can’t be unemotional about this debate.  You don’t need to judge me or try and make me feel bad; I do a good enough job of that on myself, every.single.day.

 

Comments

[Colleen C]

I agree whole heartedly with you, we all do the best we can with our kids. No one should take sides - and why does it seem that there has to be sides?? Mothering should be less judged overall, and we should all have a higher level of acceptance for others choices.
We should never presume to have all the answers, or pretend we do.

[AmyElle]

Exactly.

[Melissa]

I agree with you 100%. I work and leave my girls everyday. And it is a choice. And they are still the most important thing to me in the world. I think it's hard to ignore what other people say and think, but I am trying to do that. Sorry, I had to de-lurk to tell you that you are not alone. And you shouldn't feel bad. You are doing a great job with those cute kids of yours.

Ok, lurking again now.

[Stefanie]

I stay far away from that hot topic!

[Mia]

I did the same thing as soon as I saw the subject matter and I love Julia's blog (still do).

I just don't look at SAHM as any better/worse than working moms.

[bj]

T-

I don't have any guilt about leaving my kids with others while I work. None, really, at all. So, It's easy for me to debate the SAHM issue. I wouldn't like a world where all the women stayed home with their children and don't thik it would be better for the children.

In fact, one of the things that keeps me at work is that I want this option to be a celebrated one (not just an endured one) for my daughter, and it keeps me slogging at my work (which, incidentally is rewarding and flexible, though also demanding) when it would be easier to quit.

I wish I could transfer my confidence in the well-being of my children to you (yours sure seem like they are doing fine in the loving environment that you and Rose and your mom and your family create for them), but we each have to fight our own demons.

bj

[cris]

I work everyday from 8-3 and leave my two young sons (1.5 and 4 years). I work becauase I love what I do and I have to to maintain a lifestyle I admit I've gotten used to. If moms stay home, good for them. If they work, good for them. I don't understand why it has to be a competition of sorts...aren't we ALL mothers? Shouldn't we stick together?

[1girl2boys]

I also take some of these comments personally. Even though they are not directed at me. I have 3 beautiful kids and I choose to work. Actually I don't have a choice because we couldn't afford for me to stay home. But even if we could afford it, I still want my career as well. I love my kids very much and am raising them to the best of my abilities. They are my first priority.

I just think it is so sad that this is even a topic amongst people.

[Beth in Michigan]

Heh, as one who has never had "a choice" per se, but always had to work, I completely agree with this post. Being able to choose is the luxury and most women do not have that option.

When I hear Mommy Drive-bys like this I always have to wonder if they're just insecure about their own choices, and thus have a need to defend them, or do they just lack empathy?

[lorrie]

I love my job.

I could not take off a few years and return. There are a dozen jobs in my field in South Carolina. They rarely vacate. I was just lucky, many years ago.

I don't feel a shred of guilt about leaving my kids in a loving, caring, nuturing and educational environment that I work hard to pay for.

We spend all our spare time with them. We've probably left them with babysitters 50 times in 7 years.

They are happy, healthy, and bonded.

And I bottlefed, too. (adopted kids)

And used disposable diapers.

[Lindsey]

Those exact quotations you mentioned are the ones that get to me, too. *REALLY* hurt.

[Lisa]

Isn't mothering hard enough without having our choices picked apart and dissected at every turn?

I work for a judge. I see children DEVASTATED every day by circumstances beyond their control. The things we fight about (and yes, we are fighting, AND judging, depite pleas to the contrary) -- SAHM v. WOHM, breast v. bottle, AP v. Non-AP, etc. -- these things mean NOTHING if you're a child who is not in a loving home with parents intent on raising decent human beings the best way they know how.

The MommyBlogosphere needs a lot of dose of MYOB juice, methinks.

[Kay]

I'm a working mom (outside the house) who also does NOT feel guilt. For the "worth it" comment - well, maybe my "worth it" is to be able to afford to send my kids to private school, or a decent college. To me - that is "worth it".

Fuck anybody who doesn't like what I do. I'm not raising THEIR kids, I'm raising mine.

Yes - *I* am raising my kids - even though they go to daycare. They know who Mommy is. The squeals and kicking legs and running to me with arms wide open shouting MOM - to me - that makes it all "worth it".

Tertia - I wish you didn't feel guilt. There is absolutely nothing to be guilty of.

Also - how many of these SAHMs are providing non-stop entertainment or emotional/educational activities for their kids? maybe some do. I know I couldn't. I would feel like my house had to be perfect and dinner had to be perfect if I were home all day. My kids are in a place where the focus is on THEM - all. day. long. It just would not be that way if I were a SAHM.

I admire those who can do it. I cannot. I do not want to. And that's okay too.

Off my soapbox now. Just a reader who is NOT JUDGING ANYONE!

[A Nonnie Mouse]

(Sorry I'm being anonymous, Tertia, but I'm paranoid because my plans aren't fully revealed to my current employer yet).

This is one of those debates that I don't "get", in that neither situation seems an absolute best-case for all children. I'm a WOHM and have been since my school-aged child was born, but will be a SAHM when our new baby arrives this fall. So I did one, and now I'll do the other. The WOHM situation was best for us back when child #1 was born, and it's worked great. The SAHM situation will be the best for us when the new one makes its appearance.

I think it's 1000% more important that you raise your child with strong moral values, provide good nutrition, impart healthy, positive attitudes about food, different people, different ideas, selflessness, compassion, spirituality, etc. yadda yadda, than you be with your child 24/7. I'm very quick to pass secret judgement on parents who don't do those things. I don't give a rat's ass whether or not they work out of the home. It's such a non-issue!

Lots of SAHM's *don't* do this and lots of WOHM's *do* do this. So who's the better parent? The SAHM just because they're there? No. Duh.

But I understand what you mean about passing judgement and how insulting it is. When I told my sister, a SAHM, that I decided to be a SAHM when baby #2 arrives, she said, "You'll know it's the best decision you ever made!" I've been insulted ever since that she's implying that working since child #1 was born was *not* the best decision. It WAS the best decision and I wouldn't change it if I could!

[Nicole]

My mother was a SAHM until my younger sister was out of college. My mother was deeply frustrated and often took it out on us. Said things like she sacrificed everything for us, etc. I am absolutely convinced that if my mother had worked we would have had a much more relaxed and loving childhood. Only a content woman can make a content mother. If you come home from work your spend quality time with your children. At my SIL's, also a SAHM, you can eat directly on the floor without a plate. But while she is cleaning her kitchen her kids sit in front of the TV.
Like all the other ladies said: every one of us has the right to choose her way of being a loving mother to her kids.
And Tertia, I love reading your blog. It breathes the unconditional love you have for your children. Never let anybody tell you differently.
Nicole

[sorenson]

i don't have kids yet, but as we are working on it as hard as we can, i have been thinking a lot about what kind of parent i want to be. i'm working on a theory that children are actually far more resilient and adaptible than we give them credit for, and that as long as they have good relationships with at least one loving adult and basic needs taken care of, all the rest is window dressing really. this theory helps me feel better about my own childhood, which was far from ideal. i seem to have turned out ok by all the usual measures.

so my choices will be about what will best enable me to be a stable loving adult in my children's lives, and what feels right for my partner and i.

i can't help wondering sometimes if all this fuss about the RIGHT way to parent is a part of a bigger social context, in which women's choices and knowledge and freedoms are very rarely taken seriously...

[Karen]

Thank you, from a working mom who has no choice.

[Meganann]

Like you, when I have kids, I will most likely have to work. But I really feel like the "Mommy wars" are a ruse to disguise the true war, which is the war against motherhood. Mothers are paid less when they work outside the home, not paid at all when they work inside the home in most countries, and do most of the housework and childcare if they are SAHM or worker bees. The choices are not good for anyone. If you stay at home you take an enormous hit in the workplace and financially as an individual. If you work, you are still expected to do all of the tasks at work and never miss for child issues, yet do most of the child care as well. The modern take on motherhood is a pathological damned if you do, damned if you don't arguement. If you have children, you can't win, you are automatically a second class citizen. This is wrong. Mothers deserve better. Children deserve better.

[WendyP]

My mom had no choice. I understood it then, and I understand it now. I still missed her. I want to have a choice.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

I didn't have a choice about working. Given that, I didn't see the need to go to work every day in sackcloth and ashes and try not to make more than minimum wage. I hear snarky statements all the time about women who appear to enjoy their jobs too much or who have SUVs in the driveway - like the choice is between living in poverty without the job and living in poverty with it? I long ago quit being angry on my own account with those stupid statements. I know I've done the right thing for my family. What irritates me most, actually, is the implication that my daughter has been somehow irrevocably damaged by my not finding a way to be at home with her. That there must be something wrong with her. I hear that implied when people say that, of course, some women HAVE to work, like that is such a regrettable necessity that they can just barely find it in their hearts to overlook it. Or when I made the comment that daycare isn't the worst thing ever to have happened to a child, and my BIL said he disagreed. My daughter is a wonderful person, there is nothing wrong with her, and I resent the implication that there is.

My MIL was at home with her six children. Shortly after my daughter went from a home daycare to a church daycare with lots of kids, at about the age Kate and Adam are, my MIL remarked that she thought daycare was good for my kid, that she interacted with people more and was more curious and interactive with her surroundings. I actually thought daycare was a positive experience for my kid. And as Kay says about hers, my daughter has always known exactly who her mommy is.

I have to wonder sometimes whether some of these hyper-judgemental SAHMs wish like hell that *they* had a job to go to, adults to hang with, a little walking-around money, etc., and they have to convince themselves of the absolute necessity of their being at home or they'd be too depressed to go on. Not everybody has the guts to just do what they have to do and ignore the peanut gallery.

Tertia, my mother's mother had 8 children, one of whom she lost to diphtheria. They had a hardscrabble farm in Mississippi, and while they were intelligent and morally upright folks, they were poor as Job's turkey. The kids, even the toddlers, had to work in the fields every day. If my grandmother could have put her children in a bright, child-centered daycare, or had them stay in a heated or cooled house with a loving nanny, she would have done it in a heartbeat. Maybe it's thinking about her and the options she had that have kept me from feeling guilty about my daughter's situation. Look around. Your kids are lucky as hell. Tell yourself that and go on.

[millie]

You've hit on one of the mommy wars topics that few other writers discuss: choice. Most women around the world don't have a choice. Those that are fortunate enough to have a choice often forget that.

Why can't we women just support each other? I know I'm not 'there' yet but I hope that I would always support that others know what's best for their family. Every mother wants the best situation for her and her children.

I also think if there were more flexibility from employers this might not be such a big issue. If there were more job-sharing opportunities, longer family leave policies, better high-quality affordable day care (especially on site) then we could all find situations that suit us better. Why aren't parents fighting for these sorts of things instead of fighting each other? Think of what we could accomplish if we put this negative energy towards something much more positive.

[rebecca]

you need to do what you can do to survive. you're doing what YOU think is best for your family. you're helping provide for the children you fought so hard to have.

your children won't love you any less because you're working. they'll grow to understand why you did it. and it's not like they're in daycare 24/7 (like some of the children i've seen at centres i've worked at)

they're at home, with your friend, your nanny. someone they know, love and trust.

you're a good mum. any child would be lucky to have you as their mum!

[dawn]

T - I am sorry that you are made to feel bad about your choice.

I make it a point, when asked, to tell people that I stay-at-home because I wanted to and I am LUCKY ENOUGH to be able to. It is as simple as that - I am extremely fortunate that I am able to do what I wanted on this matter. Many people cannot - many women want to stay home, but cannot. Some women want to work, but cannot because they need to stay home with their children.

The way I see it is this: I don't breastfeed; I am a stay-at-home mom; I am hoping to home-school; I won't let my daughter pierce her ears until she is 12; I won't let her go to a friend's house unless the parents are home; etc etc etc. These are choices I am making for myself and for my daughter. Do these choices make sense for EVERY MOTHER? Absolutely not. I know what works for me, I know what I would like to do, and I am going to strive to do those things. I have enough to worry about with my own child to bother to tell other mothers how to raise their children, or tell them that their choices are wrong. How would I know, anyways? What is right for one child is not right for another. Until I have spent the same amount of time with someone else's child as I have spent with my own (which clearly would never happen), I cannot claim to know what is best for them, or for their parents.

I hope you won't feel so bad - I certainly don't think you are doing wrong by your kids - just look at their brilliant smiles in all the pictures you post!

[gkk]

Tertia, you have hit the nail on the head, it all comes down to choice. Whether you're at home or at work, there will be people lined up to tell you you're doing the wrong thing. If you're lucky enough to have chosen your particular situation you will have confidence in that decision and criticism will roll right off. Being constantly made to feel you need to defend a "choice" you didn't make I imagine would be incredibly difficult. I hope you know what an incredible job you're doing Tertia, don't let anyone tell you differently.

[C.]

Not a Mom, and will never be one, though i do love the mommy blogs. This is not intended to start a debate, merely a rhetorical questions but why arent there conversations about stay at home dads. Why isnt it the "responsibility" of the dad to stay home? Why arent dads made to feel guily or have to defend their decision to continue to work? Set aside income, etc.

Personally I would go mad if I had to stay at home all day every day, with or without kids. I love the challenge of my job and that wouldnt change with kids and I am sure other career women feel the same. It is a non-issue. Stay home, dont stay home, no one and I mean no one is in a place to judge anothers decisions. Shut the fuck up and mind your own damned business.