Addendum to the note below.

 

A reader emailed me privately to say that, actually, let me copy her email*:

 

Call me a wimp, but I didn't feel comfortable posting this in the comments section. Didn't want to get ripped apart.

Anyway, this whole notion of ex-infertiles being more appreciative of their children than fertiles irks me.  I really don't mean to be insensitive as I am not infertile and from reading your stories and others I see how painful and awful infertility is.  But I just don't see how appreciation of one "group"  over another can be measured and how it is important anyway.  It just seems to be another way to separate moms into groups.  I don't know if this makes sense, but just needed to respond.

As always, thanks for making me think and putting a fire in my belly today.

 

My response to her was:

 

Yes, it comes across wrong.  I didn't mean for it to come across that way, but I guess from some of the comments you are not alone in your thinking.

 

Not sure how else to put it.  But you are right.  I need to say it differently.  Thanks for writing to me.  I need to think about this some more to word it differently, because what you are saying is true, fertiles can, and do, appreciate their kids just as much as infertiles do. 

 

I need to do a follow up note.  Thanks for raising this.

 

She is right. It came across wrong. It could sound as if I, we, are saying that fertile people do not appreciate their children as much as ex-infertiles do, which is obviously untrue.  Fertile people appreciate, and love their kids just as much as we do (generalizing, of course).

 

I think, instead, what I need to have said is that having been through infertility gives one a sense of the magnitude of the fortune, the luck, the ‘miracle’ that the infertile’s individual child is.  It is not about loving more, or being more appreciative, it is more a sense of “I am so f*cking lucky to have this child, because if it wasn’t for fate / nature / god / thousands of dollars spent, I might not have this child. It is a sense of extreme gratitude for that particular individual child and appreciate for the sense of fortune that brought about their being. 

 

In the same way that good health is often only truly appreciated once it has been threatened, the little bit of extra ‘omg, I can’t actually believe how lucky I am’ is what the infertiles have. Fertiles have it too, but without the memory of fear that it might have never happened at all. Does that make more sense?

 

But, the post wasn’t about that.  It wasn’t supposed to be about appreciation.  (Although I did mention it and the blog reader is fully entitled to raise an eyebrow).  It was supposed to be about whether infertiles are more lenient, more ‘soft’ etc, because of their infertility.  

 

So, apologies any people I might have upset, I promise you, I never for a moment thought you were any less appreciative of your kids. And the very last thing I would want to do is be divisive and add to any mom against mom stuff. 

 

Now back to what I was supposed to be asking: to my fellow infertiles, are you more lenient / prepared to put up with bad behaviour because of your infertility? Does the infertility hangover colour how your parent?

 

 

* No nasty comments about the emailer will be tolerated. Not that I think any of you would be nasty, of course, just saying.  This is exactly how to disagree, or raise a contrary view point in a polite, decent, classy way.  Exactly how! I really appreciate the feedback she gave me. You don’t always have to agree with me, and you can tell me if I have pissed you off,  just do it in a decent way.  

 

 

Comments

[Andrea]

I am a unique study in this situation, because I got pregnant with our son (now 6.5) very quickly, only to be followed by 5 years of dire secondary infertility which never resulted in a live birth. So I was pregnant and had a baby from the standpoint of a "fertile", but since I started TTC #2 when DS was 18 months, I have done most of my mothering as an "infertile". So I truly have both perspectives - mothering as a fertile, and mothering as an infertile.

As I grew into the infertile mindset over the years, I did not parent differently. I didn't become softer or more lenient. I didn't love or appreciate my son more than I would have if I hadn't become infertile. I didn't become a better mother. Perhaps a more patient one, I'll give it that. If nothing else, IF teaches you patience.

What changed, what became different, was how I felt about MYSELF as a mother. I am in AWE of the luck and fortune that I get to be a mother. It almost didn't happen. Had we waited 6 months... a year... I likely would never have become successfully pregnant. I am softer and more lenient with myself - with the judging of myself - because of this changed perspective of myself as a mother. I no longer take being a mother for granted. Before, before IF, before thousands of dollars and millions of tears, I thought women grew up got married had babies and that was uninteresting. Now, I appreciate the privledge of being a mother in a way I think *I* never could have had I not struggled through IF.

We are nearing the completion of an adoption for our second child - and I am aware that I am in for one of the most joyful experiences of my entire life. I feel lucky to get to view it that way.

[Brooklyn Girl]

I wouldn't say I'm more appreciative of my kid than my fertile friends are of theirs, but I do have a sense of felicity and the (perhaps) once in a lifetime quality of my mothering life in a way they don't.

Just this weekend I was at a birthday party for a one year old and discussion turned to the having of second children. I was amazed by how many people had their lives mapped out--"we'll have #2 when #1 is 3 years old," etc.--without even imagining they'll have any difficulty conceiving. From that, I extrapolate that they're already thinking ahead to future parenting experiences in a way I don't.

[Brandee]

The thing is, I'm very fertile, and I'm constantly in awe of he fortune of having these particular healthy, happy, gorgeous children. I'm so grateful for them and in awe of them it takes my breath away and stops my heart. Every moment I'm aware of what good fortune I have, of the miracle they are, and of the enormity of having them. SO, maybe I'm an oddball, but I'm right there with you.

[Beth]

As my twins, conceived through IVF, hit toddlerhood I have found that the way they were conceived has fallen into the background. I am not really lenient. I am eternally grateful to have them, but it doesn't mean I let them be unruly.

[Rosemary Grace]

I think (being neither a parent, nor currently trying to become one) that the psychology of the situation could lead an infertile parent to either extreme of strictness. They might treasure their little bundle SO MUCH that they spoil them rotten, but on the other hand they might heap so many expectations on the miracle baby that they are overly strict high-pressure parents. It depends on the parent!

I think the pressure cooker effect might be more likely to happen when people who wanted many kids only manage to have one. Though I'm only saying that because I knew a girl who was the strived-for (4 miscarriages and 10 years of trying) only child of a woman who wanted a pretty young lady/little princess. My friend was an out and out tomboy, and her mother would say all sorts of whacky things like "I wish you were more like you were when you were really little, I loved you more then, I wish you would't grow up", and comparing her unfavourably to some other girl we knew who was very girly and pretty.

[DoctorMama]

I don't think having been infertile affects how I parent, with one exception: I'm less worried about setting precedents since I'm pretty sure that this is the only baby I'll have to raise. Once I decided not to go through any more IF treatment, I felt less stressed about the fact that I'm still breastfeeding, cosleeping, etc., because I don't have to contemplate having to do it with two kids at the same time -- if that makes any sense.

What does affect my parenting is the actual child I got. Some of my plans and theories went right out the window once I actually met my child.

You've mentioned that you parent Kate and Adam differently -- do you think that their personalities affect you a great deal in how you parent them?

[Tricia]

Wow, that comment could have been me because that's what I was thinking when I read your original entry! Thanks for clearing that up because I know that's not how you intended it to be. The end result now that we're all here is that we're all mothers, we all love our children - the good and the bad. I'd lay down my life for my children and lose my breath sometimes because I didn't realize this capacity to love is so enormous and endless. (and as I'm getting ready to hit "POST" I read a similar comment from Brandee)

[Mia]

My thinking is softer towards my child since I did have a hard time conceiving him so I'm thinking that probably does come out in my parenting as well. I also have an issue with him dying. I'm scared to death he's going to die and I need to have another in case it happens (an heir and a spare).

[Lisa]

As an infertile, the awe and gratitude I feel towards my child is due to how she was achieved. I only have one tube. It's completely blocked. If I had been born just 30 years earlier than I was, I would have never EVER had biological children. Thanks to IVF, I have my daughter. The good fortune I have to have been born when I was, and to have the money to pursue ART, is something I think about a lot. So in that sense I think it's a little different than the gratitude a fertile feels towards her child...not more, just different.

My infertility does affect how I feel about parenting, I think. My daughter is only 3 months old but I find myself feeling guilty when I get annoyed at things like incessant crying or feeling like I just wish I could escape at the end of a long day. I know I shouldn't but it's hard.

[Dani]

I never had trouble getting pregnant, just had tons of trouble staying pregnant. I never felt 'safe' telling any one that I was pregnant until I was at least 5 months along and I only did so at that point because it was too hard to hide it.

After the many scares, the bleeding, the way-too-early labor, the docs telling me not to run out and buy any baby stuff just yet, I feel fortunate and thankful to have the children that I have.

Am I softer on them because of it? No freakin' way. Quite the contrary, in fact. I feel that because they defeated the odds to even be here, they may as well be all they can be. They were obviously meant to be here... I don't know... part of God's great plan, maybe? I feel that they are destined for something big and mommy spoiling them isn't going to get them there.

(This isn't coming out at all like i feel. I think I just sound bitchy.)

[Leigha]

I'm not an infertile, as my son was conceived within six months of us setting out to try, but I do know that I look at him sometimes and it knocks me over that I can love someone like that. I would literally do anything for this person. It's hard to comprehend, you know?

I do know that I'm a softer mother than I thought I would be in some areas, and stricter in others. I'll let him eat food off the floor (five minute rule), play in the dirt, climb all over the furniture, and generally make a mess of himself, and I never thought I would. I am, however, strict on discipline and on rules like the amount of juice he's allowed to have and bedtimes.

God, I'm a parent. I'm talking about bedtimes and restricting sugar. If you only understood just how scary that is....

[beaver girl]

great point. i'm glad she wrote you and you posted it!

i agree with brooklyn girl that some of the conversations about having a second just flow so easily, like of course they can plan and schedule and it will just happen. it's hard not to assume from that some people take their children for granted - which isn't true and is unfair.

[merseydotes]

Fertile Myrtle here (at least so far in my life) and ever since I got pregnant with DD (who is now 2.5 yrs) I have not been able to sing the doxology at church ('Praise God from whom all blessings flow...') without tearing up. Every day I am amazed at the miracle of creation and the amazing odds my body overcame to create, sustain and deliver life. Just reading a biology textbook about all the things my body had to do JUST right at JUST the right time, not to mention my husband's body, is enough to fill me with awe that the human race has managed to procreate as voraciously as we have. I realize how incredibly lucky we were and what a miracle my child is - even though I didn't have to endure months or years of treatments to get her.

As a side note, I'm not a soft parent at all.

[Judy]

How in the WORLD do I always manage to miss the "good juicy" stuff??? I always get here too late!

;-)

[Orange]

I think what might be going on with some people is that having a medically complicated conception, pregnancy, or delivery, and/or having a baby who was a preemie or otherwise ill, and/or suffering pregnancy losses—these people might be a tad more paranoid than the average parent. You know how bad things can be, so you might be a little more indulgent, or a little quicker to call the pediatrician about a minor ailment. (Or maybe not.)

[SimmiGee]

My daughter (19 months old) was conceived through IVF. I think I was a bit too 'soft' on her in the early days because I was just so incredibly happy to have her. But then again, I know plenty of 'fertile' parents who are just as 'soft' as I am. No,... I think the only thing that now separates me from all of my 'fertile' friends is the way I talk about having a second child. It used to bother me (okay, it still does) when the other girls in my mothers' group would say things like, "We're going to try for number 2 when XYX is one year old because a two year age gap would be nice." Oh, to be that fertile! Then as soon as they got pg, they'd announce it to the group, before the second line had properly formed on the pg test. It's obvious that none of them have ever suffered a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy...or worse.
Funnily enough, I recently discovered that I am pg and we only 'did it' once that month...the old-fashioned way. After two years of unsuccessful timed intercourse, IUI's and the eventual IVF success, who'd have thought!? If the pregnancy actually leads to a baby, I'm sure I will love my two children equally and treat them in the same way.

[Carolyn]

I'm not a parent yet--still just an infertile--but I do worry that my expriences with infertility are going to color how I parent. I've always wanted to be a mom like my own mother was--strict but fair, and very loving. Now I worry that I'll be afraid to let my future kids take risks or learn things the hard way because just getting them is so.damn.hard.

[Linny]

I'm not infertile but I just wanted to mention that I also regard those opportunities to "mother" (at 2am or any other time) as an honour :o)
I guess it's not really our fertility status that has anything to do with our capacity to parent, and to love parenting...
However I think I can understand how someone who had gone through SO much, might be even more overwhelmed with the preciousness of their newborn baby. That to me sounds perfectly natural :o)

[pepper]

I have to say I agree with the emailer. While nothing in your post necessarily offended me (as someone who has not battled infertility), some of the comments got my goat. How dare people assume they a "better/more tolerant/kinder/more appreciative" parents than I because they fought to be a parent.

I am an older mother (I was 36 when gromit was born) and I have a full undertanding of how fortunate I was that it was relatively easy.

(I didn't post a comment in the orginal post, cos I don't want to be part of a flaming war, but you know, it's all on now!)

[Dani]

SimmiGee - Good luck! :-)

[Rebekah]

My son was conceived in just a few months. We tried for close to 2 years for a second child, during which time I miscarried twice and was literally a week away from starting IF treatments when we found out I was pg again. If this baby sticks, and things ARE looking good, I don't THINK we will parent him or her any differently. However, my DH said recently that he took so much for granted the first time around and feels way more emotionally attached to this baby than he did with our son at this stage. So, while he or she wouldn't be allowed to get away with things, there is a keen awareness that this child's existence almost didn't happen at all. That has to affect us as parents to some degree, I think.

[JustLinda]

I have five. I know, I know... I hardly have any business posting here. Sorry, but I'm drawn to several infertility blogs.

Anyway, the first two came when I was very, very young... they were not planned.

The last two took a lot of hard work, long waits, medical intervention. It took over 4 years to get pregnant with my Jadyn.

Am I softer on the younger ones? Yes, I think so. But not because of the infertility per se. It's because I now know, having grown daughters, how FLEETING it all is. How very precious. How much of a miracle that I even HAVE them. And so I hold on to their babyhood more and longer, and I make allowances.

I love the little ones just as fiercely as I love their big sisters. It's not about how much I love. But I do think I parent different because my PERSPECTIVE is so very different now, after time and maturity and yes, infertility.

Perspective is HUGE. Anyone who has dealt with infertility could not possibly have the same perspective as someone who is readily fertile. No, it doesn't mean they love or appreciate 'more'. But they do experience it all very differently, I think.

[Kathy Napolitano]

Interesting, I got PG at 20. I thought I was a decent mother Loved my daughter and struggled along with the less pleasant aspects of having a child. Over all I think I did pretty good.

After 16 years and quite a struggle to get DD#2 I can say my parenting is way different. I too felt that honor of getting up and caring for my child in the night that was no honor 16 years before! I always just thought that it was more a reflection of being an "older" mom. Maybe it ws a bit of both.

Honestly I think I'm a bit tougher than I was teh first time, but tougher in a more mature view of what my child needed .(weather it was what she wanted or not) My girls can be shockingly similar in many ways and drastically different in others. I'm hoping my parenting has improved I don't really claim that it improved for one reason or the other maybe. I don't love #1 more or less than #2. I don't treat them the same but you don't treat a 26 y/o the same as a 7/yo... Most of the time any way! ;)

[Becky]

I was able to get pg after about a year of low-tech treatment (surgery, clomid). I lost my sons' twin at 9 weeks and had an emergency c-section at 27 weeks when his heartrate kept dropping into the 40's. Pretty much the only thing I remember right after the surgery is my OB saying if I had waited another day to come in, he would have died. He was 1 lb 15 oz. but was otherwise fine. I felt guilty that he was struggling to survive because MY body had somehow failed him.
It did affect how I parented him, I think. Especially early on. I just didn't want him to have even an extra second of discomfort, since he spent the first 8 weeks of his life in the NICU. I had my mom come for 2 months and we took shifts, 6 hrs. on/ 6hrs. off and we held him, literally, every minute 24/7.
So, I got a bit crazy. He is 3 now. I've hardened up considerably as he's gotten older and it just needed to be done. But, we are overindulgent. And when I really thought about it, I realize I am so grateful he is here, and fine (did I mention his apgars were 2 and 4?) that to treat him any differently than I do would feel ungrateful.
Reading the comments, I think Orange said what I'm trying to alot better than I did!

[Liz]

Personally I don't think the ways I treat my kids are related to whether I'm fertile or not, but more how I was brought up. My parents were really strict and I hate it, so when it comes to parenting my own kids, sometimes I let them slide a little.

[Brandy]

I don't feel like I am lenient in any way with my children. I didn't do IVF because my second IUI/injections worked for me. But I tried for 4 years before I had my surviving triplets. My boys spent 18 weeks in the NICU. Also, Blane has some special needs. But they get punished in a degree that they understand. Blane is about one year behind Dylan developmentally so of course I can't get on to him exactly the same way I get onto Dylan. But they don't get away with things. Glad you brought this up because my cousin wrote me an email the other day and said she does not like the way I punish my children. She is the Godmother and an elementary school teacher, but she is a lot younger than me and is not a mother. I was very upset about this. She made it sound like I was hurting my children which is NOT true. She is not around enough to make a decision like that. Anyway, she made the excuse that my boys had been through so much since the day they were born. I know they have, no one has to tell me. I have felt every single second of it. I am the one they told that my children were not going to make it. I am the one who felt the pain every single day for 18 weeks. I know that Blane has hearing loss and is behind. But to me, that does not give him a free ride for the rest of his life. But I know he can not understand certain things.
Just wanted to give my experience.

[Jodie]

Firstly Tertia, thanks so much for supporting someone who disagreed respectfully. I've said it before and others obviously feel too that this place is very hostile to those who disagree. Not you, but other commentors who jump to your defence. I think it's great to hear both sides of a story, as long as people do it the right way.

As for this particular discussion, it's an interesting one. Infertility didn't make me enjoy the more negative side of being a parent, but I guess I do stop quite often and think how lucky I am, how if it wasn't for medical intervention I'd never have these precious kids. Then again, I'm sure a lot of fertile families see the miracle in what they have too. But either way, I don't think being IF made me softer. I was more influenced by my own parents - ie I was determined to parent the oppostite to how they parented!

Good discussion!

[allycat]

I don't think I'm softer on my daughter because of all we went through to conceive her. However, I do think I may be a bit overprotective of her for this reason. The years of disappointment from failed IVFs and the loss of preemie twins jaded me a bit. I feel like I lost my innocence and now know that bad things can happen to me and my family. And god forbid anything happened to my daughter (or #2 on the way), it's not like I can necessarily have another (not that anyone, fertile or infertile, views their children as replaceable). So I do fear that I'm a bit more paranoid and protective of her. Some of my friends are a bit lackadaisacal about safety issues, and I'm the opposite. I am conscious of this issue and am trying not to be too overprotective, but I fear this may be a legacy of my infertility. Once you've lost a child, you just want to hold on to the ones you have a little tighter.

[Jane-Marie]

Very interesting discussion. As the mother of no kids not even a dog I'm commenting from a very different standpoint than most of you. I think parenting today has changed from what parenting was when my parents did it. My sister has a beautiful daughter and I love my neice to death and the weird thing is that I wish my sister was my mother - because it seems there is so much more thought put into parenting from my sister than from my mother. Not sure if this is coming across - but what I am trying to say is that perhaps infertiles don't love their children more than fertiles they just love the fact that they have a child/children whereas those who had no difficulty just took it for granted that they'd actually have children.

My sister came "early" and my brother came 12 years after, very muched wished for a boy and I believe they were parented completely different, then there's me inthe middle but that's a whole other story!

[Meg]

My suggestion -

People who have had trouble conceiving will appreciate / be in awe over their child more than if they had not had trouble. (this covers infertile people who get pregnant, infertile people who adopt, etc.)

ALL parents appreciate and are amazed by their kids, but I know from my own small experiences with being very quick to conceive (first kid - two months) and very slow to conceive (second kid - three years plus some hinky diets & so on) that I love 'em both infinitely and joyfully, but the difficulty with the second means it was an even bigger deal to have her.

[Andy]

I'm probably harder on myself than softer on the kids. If I yell at them because I'm having a bad day I feel guilty because there are plenty of people who would give anything to be in my position.

We started ttc#2 when our first was one. It ended up taking 3.5 yrs (and IUI/IVF etc) and there were times dealing with a toddler then a preschooler where I felt guilty for putting so much effort into ttc when I wasn't always coping with the child I already had.

Also, when ds#2 was born I became slightly obsessed with how fast he was growing and how I could never get that time back again. I felt weird for weeks after his birth and now I realise that it was the hangover from IF, if that makes sense.

[Janis]

I had my first two childrn without any trouble. Then after that, it was all downhill. Laps, endo, surgeries, scar tissue, blockages, PCOS, IUI and IVF.

I parent my kids all the same. I love them all the same. Cherish them the same.

I mourn my pregnancy losses the same, ones from before IF, to ones after.

Saying that IF parents have different feelings for their kids is akin to saying those of us who have lost a child feel differently about our kids than those who have never had to bury a child.

It isn't that one is better than the other, it's just different. The feelings are different. Not better than or worse than, just different.

[debi]

i'm not an infertile, but we lost our first baby two months ago at 22 weeks. it is very likely that we will still have several children as there is no reason i shouldn't get pregnant again or that any of them should be stillborn again. i do know though, that i will appreciate the children we hope to have in a new and different way. i see my nephews in a new light now too, as i've realized just how much of a miracle life is. losing a young life really lets you know how precious it is. much like, i'm sure, fighting to have a baby does.
that being said, i think that what we experience (anything, really) influences us and therefore how we parent. but the same thing may influence two people differently, leading to a different parenting style. i have yet to see what mine will be like.

[Lauren]

Your poster emailing is absolutely right - no one should argue over which type of parent loves more.

Like you said, I think that infertiles and those with pregnancy loss realize the magnitude of the gift they got and how fleeting it can be taken away. You still get those bad parent days when you feel like you can't do anything right but then you realize how far you've come and it never feels quite so overwhelming as it did before. I'm sure those who haven't experienced what we have also appreciate it but it is such a huge feeling when you remember leaving a hospital with dead babies or all the cycles it took to conceive the ones you have.

Those comments about overhearing conversations of fertiles who "time" their next children. I just sat in a mom's night out with someone who was talking like that (super uber fertile). I don't get upset but I think inside - it can be so much harder than you realize and I hope it is really that easy for her especially when we was talking about trying for a "girl" instead of another "boy".

It's all perspective. Your life experiences you have help you with a different perspective.

As for the mothering aspects I think after all these years I've watched some really great mothers and some bad mothers and I try to take the best of all I've seen and avoid the worst and do the best I can. I'm not perfect but I'm also not overly protective.

Lauren

[SusanG]

Here's another way of thinking about it: Have you ever heard an ex-infertile say to an infertile: "Are you sure you want to have kids" when her child is being a brat? Of course, only a few insensitive fertile parents say such things (like my SIL who got pg the first month of trying), and they don't really mean it, but I doubt you would hear this even jokingly from an infertile.

[abogada]

I don't think that I am more lenient with my daughter because I went through four years of infertility treatment (but I do have the "oh-my-God-I-am-so-glad-to-be-blessed-with-THIS-child" feeling a lot). For the most part, I do try to put my infertility trials behind me. I rarely even talk about it any more, unless it is to provide information to someone going through a tough time, and I have mentioned it on my blog.

What I want more than anything is for my daughter to be a loving and productive member of society. If I don't set limits for her, I think she will have a tougher time of it. So that's why I don't think I'm a softie with her, despite how she came to be (though she gets an enormous amount of hugs and kisses).

[Amanda Lynn]

Wow, what an interesting question Tertia. It reminds me of a post at Julie's a month or two ago about how with TTC &/or pregnancy loss you lose your innocence and never really look at things the same way. I think that's how it is for me, as a fertile who lost my first pregnancy in an early miscarriage.

Perhaps it's because I got pregnant right after the miscarriage and then spotted for months, and that my son was born 5 weeks early with immature lungs and possible pneumonia, but I had a really insecure feeling about him for a long time and it definitely affected how I have parented him. I think mostly I was totally unplugged from my instincts, and concurrently terrified about how delicate and tender he was. The result is that he can't sleep well, and until 9 months his longest nap was 45 minutes. Now he'll nap 2-3 hours at a stretch but it took some doing on my part, to plug into what he really needed, what he could tolerate or not, instead of this general terror I felt about damaging him, and making up for his difficult begininng. I think the most important thing for me has been overcoming all the medical interventions I received, to connect with my experience as a mom on my terms, thanks for helping me remember this!
Amanda Lynn

[averyjenn]

What I believe is that pre-IF, I didn't understand what a true miracle life is. How all the many many things have to be perfect for this little being to be born. It's amazing. I believe that I would appreciate giving birth to a child *differently* (not better or more) now than I would have I not suffered losses.

[jenny]

I haven't commented for a while, but felt compelled to from this.

There is actual research showing the adoptive parents, and ex-infertile parents, have better parenting skills in some ways. This is probably because as a group, no one who was infertile and eventually got pregnant or who has adopted got children accidentally. The same goes for gay or lesbian parents, who as a group also reveal themselves to have better parenting skills than straight parents. Infertiles, adoptive parents, gay and lesbian parents (esp. gay men, can you imagine what they go through to creat a family?) all have to REALLY REALLY want to be parents, and we tend to be older when we start our families and therefore more mature. We have to work and suffer to get to that point.

This is not meant to make any sort of judgement of any kind about women who get pregnant easily, parents who got that way accidentally or anyone else. Just simply stating what has actually been found by researchers, and the reasons why researchers think this is the case.

[Janis]

Jenny, please cite these studies. Not trying to be snarky, but for those of us who have been through secondary IF it just seems a bit of a stretch to state that as fact. As stated above, I parent *all* my kids the same. The easy ones and the hard won.

And had our adoption not failed, I would have parented our son the same way.

For those I know, this holds true.

I'll never forget though a neighbor who had two adopted kids. Hers NEVER walked to school. Never. Mine do if weather permits. One day she said that maybe because her kids were so hard won, she loved and appreciated them more. HAHAHA She didn't know about all we had gone through to have a family. I hate snarky mommy wars and these type of comments really perpetuate tha battles.

[Woody's Girl]

Hmm... here's my 2 cents.

I think that a difficult struggle in becoming a mother can cause you to be more appreciative of your children (and/or the opportunity to be a mother) than YOU would have, otherwise.

In other words... I don't think it necessarily makes you a better/more appreciative/softer/stricter mother than anybody else... just perhaps better/more appreciative/softer/stricter than YOU would have been if conception/birth had happened easily.

Two of our daughters were adopted, and our third daughter was conceived after 5 years of IF treatments. Do I parent them differently? Not at all because of their origins (purely based upon their different personalities). Do I parent differently because of my struggles? Probably... but I absolutely would not classify myself as "soft." (thus defeating the notion that hard-faught children are treated with kid gloves)

Thanks for yet another thought-provoking post, Tertia. :-)