I am too soft. I know it.

I am too soft with the babies, I know. Marko is right.

 

Why do I pick them up all the time? If they have a tantrum, why don’t I just leave them there? Why can’t I let them cry? Why can’t I say no to them? And it is not just about when they hurt themselves, that was a cover up, I was fooling myself. I am soft all the time.

 

It is not because I fought so hard for them. Maybe a bit, but it is not the main reason, I don’t think.

 

It is also not because of anything lacking in my childhood. I had a wonderful childhood.

 

I have thought a lot about this, about why I am the way I am, why I am so soft. It is worrying me. And not because being soft is wrong, but because I think this has more to do with me than with them. And because I fear being too soft might be bad for the kids in the long run. And I want to do what is best for them.

 

I find it so hard to say no to them. Not to pick them up when they are moaning and pulling at the leg of my pants. And Kate has cottoned on to this and starts whining and moaning whenever she sees me, wanting to be picked up. She puts on a fake cry and the minute I pick her up she starts laughing.

 

Damn. Even writing this, I can hear how pathetic I sound.

 

It’s just that, well, if all they want is a simple thing like to be picked up, and it is something I can so easily give to them, how can I deny them? If I know how much pleasure and joy a simple thing like that can give, I so badly want to give it them. I want more than anything in the world to give them joy and pleasure.

 

Their pain or hurt is my hurt; their joy is something that is quadrupled for me. Little things, like playing in the garage, even when it is a pain for me to have them do it; or being picked up and swung around, even if I am busy with something else; or playing in the water, even when they really shouldn’t; or even just wanting to be picked up just because they feel like it; I know that these little things make them so happy that I find it so hard to say no.

 

Marko is forever saying to me “just let them cry” when they get whiny.

 

And I can’t. And it is causing a bit of tension between us. And it is getting worse.

 

And you know what else (and writing this makes me feel v shitty), it is the reason why I am reluctant to have Marko to do a whole baby shift on his own. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because I am scared he will leave them cry if they get whiny and the thought of it freaks me out. And it isn’t because he doesn’t love them, or isn’t a good parent, because he does and is. He just does not believe in picking them up and giving in to them all the time. He will pick them up and console them if they hurt themselves, but he is always telling them “I am not your mother, don’t try that on me” when they throw a little tantrum.

 

How ridiculous I am. I am not keen on my own husband looking after the kids on his own because I am scared they will cry and he won’t pick them up. And the thought of them crying makes my heart ache and my throat constrict.

 

I am pathetic, pathetic. What is it about me that makes me feel so anxious at the thought of them crying?

 

When my kids were babies, I never let them cry. Ever. Well, they cried, but I never left them crying. I even employed an extra nanny for a few months just to make sure that one would never have to lie crying longer than a few minutes. And everyone told me I was making a mistake, that I should leave them. That I was spoiling them. Even my family said so. And I stuck to my guns and insisted that a baby under six months could not be spoilt. That they needed me to pick them up. And I was right. My kids are happy, healthy adjusted kids. And even the people who said I was making a mistake then have admitted that I might have done the right thing when they were babies. People are always remarking what happy babies / toddlers I have. Seriously. They hardly ever moan or act clingy or whiney.

 

So, I think I am ok with being soft. And yet; I am not as confident as I was when they were babies. I do not want bratty kids, or whiny kids. I don’t think I will have, but I am scared I might. And seriously, I am insistent that my kids will be well-behaved, respectful kids. I can’t stand bratty, too-big-for-their-boots kids. I am hoping that I can soft-love them into being good kids. Hoping. But I am scared that I am doing them a disservice somehow by picking them up too much, by giving in to them too easily.  But surely a 15 month old can’t be bratty yet? Or can they? My heart says they need to be picked up, but my head is not convinced. 

 

Will it get easier for me? Do you think I will find it easier to be harder, or stricter as they get older? Or do I need to do something now? What is it about me that makes me like this? I think I need to do something. Do I sound like an over-compensating ex-infertile? Or is this just how I am? 

 

Help!

 

Comments

[Carolyn]

I think you sound like a good mom who's worried about her kids. :-)

From my perspective, just the fact that you're thinking about this says a lot about how Adam and Kate will be well-behaved kids. In my experience, it's the parents who refuse to even acknowledge that they might be too easy on their kids who end up raising children who are bratty and whiney.

[anon]

At 15 months, I wouldn't stress about it. When they are 3, if they are having tantrums about wanting candy, then I would crack down a little bit. At 15 months, they are just mobile babies IMO.

[Stacey]

My 20 month old is going through the worst shy/clingy phase right now.

All kids will act bratty, or get you to the point where you want to put them on the front lawn with a "free to a good home" sign on them.

I'm like Marko, never used to be, but I slowly became that way. :D

[Alex]

I honestly don't know, but I suspect I will struggle with similar issues once I become a mom.

DH tells me I will be a terrible mom (note: it is OK that he says this, this is how we talk to each other) because I am way too soft with my dogs (which is true, and basically for the reasons you post above, i.e. it is so easy to increase the amount of happiness in the world by being kind to a dog), and I tell him he is right, but we don't expect the dogs to grow up and become independent, so it is OK.

I hope you can find the right balance and that I will be able to as well.

[KatS]

Tertia,

As far as I can tell, this behavior for the babies IS NORMAL FOR THEIR AGE. Mine do the same thing exactly.

I do the same with my 18 month-old babies. I think part of why I do it has to do with having them on a 2 nap per day schedule, the time I have to spend with them when I am not preparing and cleaning-up from snack, lunch,snack, dinner, is very small. ALSO, I think there is a level of guilt for not being able to give each baby one-on-one attention, for them having to share me. ALSO, I think at this point I have to trust myself and think, "hmmm, are they behaving like this because they truly need more attention from me?" About half the time, that IS the case. So I stop what I'm doing and sit on the floor and read a book, or build some blocks for about five to ten minutes, then I resume cooking, cleaning, blogging (er, I mean, ummm...). Usually this is enough.

Also, remember your babes have been sick, and mine are SO needy (my son was so sick he literally needed to be held 24-7) when they are even a bit under the weather. It's easy to forget they aren't always like that. Then they feel better and I'm all, "what am I, chopped liver? Donchya love me anymore?"

The push-pull is normal at this stage.

Moxie recommends what sounds like a great book (I have ordered it but not read it) called Playful Parenting. I just made links to several of her recommendations on my site. I think Moxie states this behavior (from her experience, and she's usually dead-on as far as I've seen) in this age group is completely normal and does resolve with development. So, be easty on yourself. And not to knock your husband, but maybe ask him not to deride your style of parenting to the kids. It's ok to be different than he is...

[amanda]

This is just my opinion, but I think it's appropriate for mom to be soft at this age, and it's also fine for dad to be a little harder on them. I second the recommendation of "Playful Parenting."

[Judy]

Pick them up. Love them. Enjoy them. That stuff is free. And there is plenty of it.

My 18 month old has just started whining and tantruming. I don't mind at all picking him up when he starts getting whiny - he usually needs some extra lovin'. The tantrums are not so much - when he's angry and upset and flailing on the floor, I crouch down beside him and use my sing-song voice and say, "Where is my happy Tyler? Let's look for him." Then I stand up and STEP OVER HIM (I have found this is important - don't walk around - step over). 99 times out of 100, he stops and follows me, or at least he stops screaming.

[Beth]

Okay, this may be complete and total assvice, and I apologize in advance if that's how it comes across. My intentions are sincere.

I don't have kids, but I've been a first-second grade teacher for seven years (in the US, don't know what the equivalent is for you, but my students are mostly 6-8 years old with a couple of occasional outliers at either end). I honestly can't tell you about what's appropriate for babies, but please trust me: by the time you kids are toddlers and older you will need to find a way to set consistent limits, for your own sanity and theirs (not to mention the other adults they spend time with, like me). Elementary age kids crave limits, they really do. Ironically, it's how they know you care and they feel much safer when they know what's clearly acceptable and what is not. And that you're willing to be the hard ass about it for their own good when necessary.

But it sounds as though you have a clear sense in your head of what you don't want to see, so I suspect that you and the other posters above are right. When your babies don't seem so small and vulnerable, you'll be able to dig deep, set the limits, and say NO (I'm not picking you up right now because ___, or you can't splash in the water right now because ____, or you can't have what you're whining for because ____, etc...) I'm just asking you to please *do* set, explain, and enforce appropriate, humane, caring limits on your children as they grow. Kindergarten and first grade (or the equivalent) will be much easier for them as a result.

If you're looking for more book recommendations, I always recommend "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" to all my parents who are having control issues/power struggles/authority insecurities. The authors offer solid advice to teach parents how to negotiate boundaries and expectations with children of all ages.

Okay, assvice off. Hope it wasn't too much.

[21stCenturyMom]

Your biggest, most important job as a parent is to teach your kids to be good citizens. They have to learn how to play well with others, have compassion and be considerate. If you find that you are coddling them to the point where they become rude and self-centered then you will know it is time to change. I'm sure you have read plenty of books on how to handle any number of situations and when you need to use that advice you will. You have great instincts and you love them death - it will all work out. And yes, Dads tend to be more rigid and demanding when it comes to discipline. That's okay, too.

[Carolyn]

You'll know when its the right time....happened for me somewhere around twenty to twenty four months I'd say... Plus developmentally they start to want some independance from you on their own... The timing is perfect! :-) It's always good to try to encourage independant play, plus to not run and scoop them up if you can tell they really aren't hurt. Helps them to build their own sense that 'they're ok'. It's hard, I know, but when you really know they aren't hurt try giving them a good loving look and a "its ok babe" "you're alright" and that is often enough for them to have that nice 'check-in' with you and then run off to play... I think I started that also at around 18-20 months.

You'll figure it out...

[Meg]

I think that you are right, that babies can not be spoiled. That is why you stuck to your guns when they were babes, even when your family gave you grief about it. But, I think, that toddlers can be spoiled, and that you might think so too, which is why this is bothering you so. Since they are twins, they probably will not be able to be quite as spoiled as a singleton would, just due to numbers!!

(I have a 15 month old and a 4 ½ year old, by the way…Tom and Will…Tom says "HI" to Kate and Adam)

From what I have seen, now is the time to start sticking to your guns a little. It is v. difficult to turn around on a 2 or 3 year old all of a sudden and be "stricter". They don't much like it, and they can really let you know it. You can still be firm with them and be loving at the same time. I am sure you have had adults that have treated you this way when you were young. Most of the favorite teachers are not the ones that let the children have whatever they want but the ones that are firm, fair, consistent, and still loving/caring.

By helping them learn that sometimes they have to wait, that they can't always get their way, you are HELPING them and being a LOVING mother to them! Please don't think I am saying you should not pick them up when you are able just to teach them a lesson or anything. You don't have to deny them things just for the sake of doing it, but you would never let them run in the street, right? No amount of crying or whining would change your mind, no matter how they carry on? You would be firm and loving and keep them out of that street. And, eventually, they learn that this is hard and fast rule and they do stop crying about it, and if they don't then, while you might feel bad to hear them cry, you would still enforce it because you are the mom and you know what is best? Well, there you go.

I can't say if the "too soft" thing is due to the infertility thing, because I got pregnant with my first very quickly and only had difficulty conceiving my second (and it was nothing compared to what some of you ladies have faced). I think, so far, that I have been about the same with them, except from having learned a bit from experience (I hope). I have seen moms (both fertile myrtles and previously infertiles) be "too soft" on kids and then moan "what happened" when they were 3 and out of control. (Not that it could ever happen to G & D Kate, Adam or Thomas.)

I guess what I am trying to say is that being firm (as long as expectations are age appropriate) and being loving are not opposites, but, in my opinion, they are the same thing.

[Tiffany]

First-second grade teacher is exactly right. Going through this stuff with three year old. HARD. Was too soft for too long (do not know when i should have eased up), but he is HAAAARD. The loving thing to do is to be gentle but firm. Not mean, not hard, but gentle and firm. Your goal is to teach them how to cope with life. I'd probably start at age 2 with easing up a bit.

[cath]

tertia, same problem, younger kid.

i pick her up and cuddle her.. damn the child psychologists and what the books say. she's mine and i love her and one day very soon she's not going to want me to hug her all the time.

[andrea]

I agree with the other ladies, you will find you get firmer with them as they get older - you just have to, and it is much easier to be firm with a child who understands reason rather than a toddler.

[Jodie Buckland]

Your kids are still very little, and I think making them feel secure the way you do will stand them in good stead. Kids seem to be more confident when they have parents that cuddle and comfort and respond to their wants and needs. They don't feel frightened about the world around them, and they go out and start exploring it on their own knowing they have you around the corner. You'll know when to start getting harder. Maybe at 2 when the whine is more annoying than pleading - you just automatically start saying "Nup, sorry". But at 15 months I think you're right on the ball - and it's your INSTINCT telling you to do it so why fight it? Marko is providing the counterbalance anyway, so they end up with a good average.

[Celia]

And don't forget T that you are teaching your kids kindness and compassion every time you respond to them at this age. Some of that has to rub off and you might see it in their interactions with other kids, each other and you and Marko down the track.

[Petal]

On the Marko thing, I completely understand how you feel. I get nervous leaving my kids with DH - he's a wonderful Dad, but he doesn't parent like I do. I have finally worked out though that it's OK to have different parenting styles. Kids adapt to both, and get to know what to expect from Mum, and from Dad. They'll probably always come to you for cuddles after they've hurt themselves - and is that a bad thing? :) It's like with Grandparents. My kids know that Grandma gives them lollies, I don't. It hasn't ruined them. Kids need to get used to dealing with lots of different people in life, so now's a good time to start! You know Marko's intentions are always good, and he loves the kids. So if you leave him to do the babe shift, let him do it his way. It can be hard (esp when they do things that seem so stupid - like icecream for lunch) but the kiddlie winks will be fine!

[Lindsey]

Yep, just because they are walking & talking ... it only means they are "mobile babies" as an AP said.

To me, tantrums and whining can be SO easily stopped once they've begun just with a distraction.

Obviously, if she's mad because I told her no to something, I'm not going to rush over and pick her up then, but if she's just whining, I'm there to see how I can help her.

That's our job, T. To protect, to love...

[Nicole]

I read a really interesting thing not too long ago (although I can't remember where it was so no link) about how we do our children a disservice by feeling obligated as parents to always put the children first, to give in to them when we want to do something else, to do everything in our power to make them happy. This psychologist was saying that ultimately we rob a child of the ability to make himself happy, to find a way to satisfy himself with the means available to himself. Also, the child doesn't feel a responsibility to his family, like he is needed and his efforts are needed to make other people happy but that other people owe him the effort to conform to his needs. In fact, we should demonstrate to our children that they have a responsiblity to their parents, siblings, etc to try and make them happy. This helps develope their self-confidence, their social responsiblity, their overall well-being. I never looked at things that way and always felt a niggling doubt when I arranged things to suit me rather than my daughter. But I think that this dr is on to something. Children are not going to magically develop empathy for others if they are not first required to notice the needs of other people in their own home. Your kids are little, as mine are, but I think this is the perfect time to start asking them to respect you and do things for you, even if it is only to walk along beside you instead of being carried, as your arms are tired. I think when you feel like you are doing your children as much good as you can by asking them to do these sorts of things, it will be easier to be stern with them.
As for leaving Marko to parent in his fashion, I think it is important to let him do things his way. As you said, there is no doubt he loves them and the children know this. But if you jump in or block his natural parenting instincts its more likely to create a void that hurts the kids more. I know that my mother was constantly doing this to my father, interrupting him, cancelling his punishments, etc, until he finally gave up. He left all the parenting to my mother, which left us feeling like he sort of abandoned us. I feel quite strongly about letting my husband do his parenting his way. A lot of my girlfriends have remarked on how impressed they are with how involved he is with the parenting responsibilities (calling the doctor when the baby is sick and making appointments, stopping in shops to pick up things like baby socks because he noticed that she was outgrowing the ones we have, etc) but I think it is linked quite closely to being allowed to parent his way. Honestly though, I would have to agree that this is one of the hardest compromises I have ever had to make in my marriage, accepting his parenting techniques.

[Opal]

Tertia, I've never commented before, though I've read for a long time. And I don't have kids, so maybe I should shut the heck up because I'm not exactly qualified to comment.

But you know what? I see no harm in loving your kids and paying attention to them. Does picking Kate up now when she wants it mean that you'll let her do wild and unacceptable things in 10+ years? I highly doubt it.

Just because you have a different level of break than your husband doesn't mean you're wrong or he's wrong: it means you're not the same.

Can you really "spoil" your children by letting them know you love them? I certainly hope not.

I think the gist of what I'm getting at is this: are you kids asking for something unreasonable (ultimately, your attention)? If the answer is no, then why are you struggling against it?

My $0.02 CDN, which is worth whatever you want including nothing ;)

Honestly, the way you describe your relationship with your kids makes me... well, jealous. I wish I remembered feeling this loved as a kid.

I don't know why people are always saying to bring your kids up as tough little individuals. They're babies. Why SHOULD they be tough and independent and not need you?

[Katy]

I think it's a universal Mummy thing. My DF is always telling me not to pick up the child when she whinges and crawls up my trousers but how can I not?! I would rather pick her up and walk somewhere more interesting than have her whining and upset. DF on the other hand can walk past her when she is crying over something silly and ignore her! Heartless bastard. He is a good parent though, he's just not as soft as me, like Marko isn't. It's a girl thing. We grew these babies, we don't want to see them upset!

[alchemist]

This may be tied up in grieving over baby Ben... You had a child that you couldn't truly comfort and couldn't rescue. So imagining your kids crying or fussing and NOT being picked up or babied might be an intolerable reminder of the NICU and the loss of your son.

Just a thought...

[anniehas2mommies]

they're still babies--trust your heart on this one!

[Moxie]

No, no, no! Stop second-guessing yourself.

T, they're at an extremely clingy stage. Nothing, but nothing, you do is going to change that. If you try to make them less clingy and independent it's going to backfire and you're going to end up with kids who are even clingier. The best way through this is to give them as much attention and closeness as they ask for.

I actually wrote about this just a few days ago on Ask Moxie. Another mom of multiples was expressing frustration that her 2-year-old can't play alone yet and are "too sensitive," when they're just being normal 2-year-olds.

It's all about adjusting expectations. They still need you--all the time--at this age.

You're not being "soft." You're being sensible and reasonable.

[wookie]

To my mind, you can't really spoil a kid with cuddles.

You can spoil them with other things, like candy, doing things for them that they can do themselves, toys, etc. It's the "easy to give them" stuff, like that pack of licorice, a sucker, a comic book, a stereo, that escalates into spoilt brats who tantrum at the drop of a hat and have no respect for others.

But cuddles are free and should be freely and copiously given.

It is okay for your husband to choose to handle whining differently, just as it is okay for you to choose your method. It's one of the hardest things to come to terms with as partners now that you have a family.

[Bridgette]

I always pick J up when he wants to be held. He is going to be 3 this month, and very rarely wants to be held. But if he does, I will pick him up and cuddle him for a bit. If he gets hurt, perhaps I make too big a deal out of it. DH gets after me for this. If he hurts himself, I am the first one to jump and make sure he is ok. DH will tell me "he's fine. Stop baby-ing him" but he is my baby, and thats what I'm supposed to do.

*My daughter will be 17 this month, and I was the same way with her. So far she has turned out ok. She isn't a horrible whiny child, although she does have a bit if an attitude problem.

[Chris]

Rarely comment, but had to put in my 2 cents on this one. If Kate is already fake crying to get you to pick her up then you have shown them you will give in after some whining and the behavior will continue and possibly get worse. Consoling them when they need it is one thing, but it seems you are giving her the control.

I don't think you are spoiling them, because they need to feel nurtured. However, it is a fine line to walk. (I have a 3 year old by the way.)

[Lauren]

T, I think that picking them up and cuddling is not a problem. You obviously recognize that at some point you have to be firmer and I think you'll know when that time comes just as you knew when it was time to do CIO to get Adam to sleep through the night.

Now I do agree with the others. You need to let Marko have his alone time with the kids. Your styles will be different. I had to accept Dh's parenting style since he is the SAHD and it is different from mine but both kids benefit and their relationship with their dad is so much deeper because they have so much time with him. It is very hard to accept when the other parent is different but you know they will be safe and loved with Marko - give him a chance and let go. I think that is the most important thing you can do right now.

I love picking mine up as much as possible.

[Rachel]

To be fair, in my house mommy is the "bad cop" so to speak. (This is true of pets and children.) MInd you, because my eldest is autistic I can be very soft about things that are outside of her control. But things that are in her control - fake whining, tamtrums, etc. I tend to be a hard-ass about. With our daughter DH was wasy too soft (she's 4 now) and it has bitten him in the butt. If he needs to discipline her, he tends to have to hand her over to mommy. She minds me, and she runs all over him.

But at 15 months...

I think cuddling them is good. But I don't know about the fake crying. I would probably have to put the kabosh on that. As for small fall downs/boo-boos you are at that age where they do need to startm to a certain point, self-soothing. A big "oops" and a grin will get you very far. You definitely can't spoil a baby, butu a 15 month old? Psychologically they are miles ahead of babies, and I think they need to be treated as if they are. I'm not saying don't exude love. I'm saying let them work some things out on their own. Let them grumble a bit - they might then latch onto something new to play with they hadn't seen before, and that is how they start to learn to deal with the world.

[Penny Farthing]

(((Ah I nearly had the first comment, but the server died on me))

I wonder if maybe something in your subconcious is worried that the babes being unhappy makes you a bad mother, and that you feel a little that nature decided you weren't going to be a good enough mother, and hence the infertility.

I hope that came out right.

I think you're a great mother, and I can't give any mother-to-mother advice (yet! But someday, I hope). All I can suggest is perhaps giving Marko's tactics a try for a few weeks, and see if you notice any changes (obviously to start with, they may be very unsettled, but after that I would expect that they were no different).

Either way, you're still a good mother.

[Lisa]

I could have written this myself! My daughter is only 3 months old so I'm not at your stage yet but my husband and I are already having these talks. I can't stand to hear her cry, even if I know she is fed/dry/safe I have to respond immediately. I know at her age this isn't inappropriate but I don't see it ever stopping. So I don't have answers for you, just sympathy.

[jenny]

I don't have any personal advice but my girlfriend was a total spazz with her first baby. As soon as he would cry she would be in tears too. I think that is why the first - second - third children are all so different. By the time a second, let alone third child comes along you are immune to the guilt of a crying baby so they are raised much differently.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, but judge how you feel. If it's bugging you then maybe it needs a small change?

[Erin]

Haven't read the other answers, so this may be repetitive or assvice, or whatever.

Babies under 6 months can't be spoiled. They cannot manipulate with their cries. They have no other way to tell you what they need, and sometimes what they need is just to be picked up and loved and cuddled. We never let P just cry--if he was crying, he was being held. I think you did just fine with them as babies.

With that said, toddlers can be manipulative. Kate sounds like she's got it figured out already, and that might be your biggest clue that their ready for some structure. P started throwing tantrums about that age if he wanted something and we didn't give it to him, and we found that the most effective thing to do was to walk away and tell him to come find us when he calmed down. When he didn't have an audience, he stopped within seconds.

Now that he's 2, we find that he's much happier when he has limits, and we're happier as parents when we all know the limits and are consistent with them. He gets time-out if he needs it, or a spank on the hand, or privileges taken away. He's a good boy because the rules are familiar to him. If parents are inconsistent, it can confuse the children.

As far as cuddles when they're hurt, we usually let P determine that. If he falls and starts to cry, we ask if he wants cuddles. Sometimes he does, most times he stops crying and says he's OK. It's been hard to suppress that mommy-instinct to just run and cover him with kisses and hugs, but I think he's a little more self-sufficient because of it.

FWIW, I don't think Marko letting them cry or whine for a bit is going to hurt them. I do think catering to their every whim and desire could make some bratty children who don't understand that they don't always get everything they want.

[Em]

Can I tell you where the line was for me? When my kids became truly verbal (as in: sentences). Whining could just be their frustration over not having the words or even their way of communicating right now.

I get that Kate fake whines to be picked up but do people expect her to say, "Pardon, mum, when you get a free moment, I would appreciate a snuggle"? I don't think it is necessarily manipulative nor a display of spoiled behavior.

Also, I think kids naturally will pull away, get busy with their own things, cuddle less as time goes by. Let them do it in their own time.

For what its worth, I felt the same way as you about leaving my kids (not just with my husband) and it wasn't just that I thought they weren't soft enough - *I* wanted to be the one to comfort her. If she was crying I assumed it was me she wanted. I just knew they (my husband, mother or mother-in-law) wouldn't call me home if she cried and she would feel abandoned and alone and afraid. Project much?

My daughter is 4 now and in preschool and I still worry about this while she is there but at the end of the day, she'll come home and I'll hint around about how she felt during the day, if she ever felt lonely or homesick. Sadly (for me), she doesn't give a shit about me leaving her. I was assigning her feelings all of this time that she just wasn't having.

I don't really know how I got from there to here but I wanted you to know you aren't alone in feeling the way you do about your kids, and struggling with it. My advice: take the cuddles while you can get them and when they are able to verbalize their feelings better, encourage them to do that instead of whine and cling.

[colicmommy-1]

Cuddling is fine, but I agree that the fake crying has to stop now. She's manipulating you, and you know it. That will only get worse. 2 year olds are expert manipulators. (I have a 3 yr old and a 6 month old).

You will have to enforce loving limits as they get older. Start now with the fake crying. Give them all the cuddles and love and holding you want, but if you can see they are clearly manipulating you, you need to put a stop to that. Also, you *might* consider saying something like "ooopsie! You fell down! It looks ok!" in a chipper voice if they really are ok. This helps kids realize they shouldn't freak out over every little thing. (I have a neighbor who was all hyper about every bump her son got...and now he is a 7 year old crybaby. He literally screams and cries like a little baby if he so much as bumps his knee. His mom says it's causing him trouble in school...name calling and stuff.)

I think in general it's fine to be a little "soft" with 15 month olds, but know that you'll have to firm up soon, or you'll face a terrible, bratty toddlerhood!!

Also, you sound like you know in your heart that the Marko thing isn't as it should be. Follow your gut on that... a daddy needs time to develop his own relationship with the kids. Don't rob him of that. Daddies have their own style. Kids will react to daddies differently, and that's OKAY. That's how it should be. Besides, even if he does let them whine a little without picking them up, I doubt that would ruin them forever either. It's far more valuable that he doesn't get resentful, or simply shut down to parenting.

I think you're a good mom, T, and go ahead and give all the cuddles you like. When your gut is telling you that manipulation is going on, then be firm.

[Shanna]

Tertia Dear,
You have posted previously that you don't let your babies get away with being brats. Please don't worry that will happen.

When Alex was a baby I was worried that picking him up everytime he cried would spoil him. I asked my doctor about this and was told that you can not spoil a child with love. They become spoiled when they don't receive any attention and have to act up to get even negative attention because it is better then nothing.

You have nothing to worry about and dang it you did work hard for those babes and they are growing so fast that the day they first push you away when they do fall, it will break your heart and you will start to doubt that you spent enough time holding them and cuddling. Believe me, I have a 12 year old who is too big to cuddle but every now and again will put his head on my lap and my heart swells that my "baby" still does need me and knows that I am there for him. So please, hold them, pick them up, love them and take full advantage of the fact that you can do those things because before you know it they are all grown up.
Remember, everyone has different parenting techniques but the best thing you can ever give your kids is the attention they crave, it is when you ignore them that you will end up with the brats. Go check my post from yesterday about the brat thing if you are concerned about your babes.

[JennyK]

You have a couple of months before the real tantrums hit -- most kids I know went through the first taste of the "terrible twos" at aroun 18 - 22 months. Enjoy the cuddling and all of that now and continue to respond to their needs, but be mindful that their development is progressing to the point where they WILL be able to manipulate you to get what they want (you're seeing this already with Kate) and they WILL use it to their advantage.

Figure out now how you intend to deal with the tantrums. My DD would throw herself on the ground and scream -- at which point I would calmly ask her, "Are you done yet? I can't help you until you stop." She realized that her fits weren't getting her anywhere and she stopped throwing them altogether.....but realize that if you give in EVEN ONCE to these tantrums, your babes will think it works.

I've noticed that every developmental phase has come with a new round of acting out, tantrums, deliberate misbehavior accompanied by a sly look (when you KNOW they know they're doing something they're not supposed to) and it's very frustrating. But it's totally normal -- what's important is that you respond firmly, lovingly, and CONSISTENTLY. That will show your kids that yes, you love them but there are still things that are unacceptable. As a PP said, kids NEED boundaries and to know where the limits are. They will continually test those limits and if you give in, you're screwed.

All that said, you've got a little bit more time before this becomes a real issue for you. It's good that you're giving it some thought in advance. Trust me, this discipline stuff just gets more complicated every day -- just wait until they're three and they tell you they hate you.

[Scout]

Man I really am a hormonal pregnant mess. This made me CRY. Now that is pathetic.

I don't have kids yet so all I will say is that maybe you and Marko need to compromise. That's what raised my eyebrows in this, the stress it's causing between the two of you. The kids sound pretty normal as far as I know and neither you or Marko sound unreasonable. If Marko is as stubborn as my husband the whole "compromise" thing might be tough, but he always agrees that I am right in the end. :-)

[Kara]

Longtime reader, first-time commenter.

I don't think anyone lies on their deathbed wishing that they had hugged or cuddled their kids less. Cuddling is the BEST, especially when you are working OTH and your time with them is limited (I'm a WOHM, too, and I constantly kiss and hug my 11-month-old).

If you're worried that the fake crying will lead to a bad habit in Kate, maybe try encouraging her to verbalize what she wants from you. Ask her if she wants a cuddle, and then maybe don't give it to her until she can request it properly without crying. "You don't need to cry to get a cuddle from Momma, all you have to do is ask", etc etc.

I would also encourage you to let Marko do his thing, especially since you say that they hardly ever whine or cry. Chances are probably pretty good that they'll have a great time with Dad without a whiney or crying incident, and if they do, maybe Marko's approach will teach them some of the lessons about whining and crying that you're hoping they'll learn. This was one of the hardest things for me to do, to accept that my husband's way of parenting was different from mine, but that it was OK and we were truly a team in raising my son. He will learn things from both of us, and as long as you agree on the basics, the little differences in your approaches will help balance your kids' view of the world.

I really enjoy reading your blog and have been so touched, tickled, and amazed by your story. You're doing such a good job - don't put too much pressure on yourself. Easier said than done, I know.

[Nosila]

I'm nowhere near to being a mother, but I think that if you're worried about being too soft on them, then it probably isn't a huge issue. When I babysit, the kids who are whiny brats are the parents who never even CONSIDER they're too soft, and yet they do everything for their children. I once had a mother who, seconds after her child told her, in my hearing, that she hated me (because I wouldn't give her a third juicebox or something ridiculous) picked her up and told the kid she must have had a horrible day and that she'd been great! All I hear from you is that you don't want your kids to be unhappy, and that you want to give them any small joy you can. Nobody's been spoiled from too much hugging. That I know of.

The other thing is, you can also have a sense of humor about situations with your children, and all of the best kids I know have mothers who aren't afraid to laugh at the situation.

But again, I'm a babysitter, so I don't know much about being a mom...

[Suzie-Q.]

I can tell the difference in my twinks between a fake cry for attention and the real thing. I pick them up when it is real. I try to divert them when it is fake. Samantha does exactly what Kate does. Waaaaahhhhhhhh! Then giggle,giggle with big smiles when i pick her up. I don't do it too much and she has stopped quite a bit of it. It is just a game for her, but, i don't want her to think she can manipulate me or other people with her whims. Evan is actually going through separation anxiety and clings to me. I pick him up all the time b/c he means it!!!
Don't worry yet, T. do what feels right and comfortable now, but, when they get a little older in a few more months i say start setting those boundaries in order to avoid creating brats.

[Nicole]

As with everything balance is key.

If you are neglecting yourself, your needs (eating, showering, having a bm, etc.), your work to pick up the kids all the time, then you should try something different. It is important that they understand that YOU have needs too.

As for limits - I am a die hard believer in setting limits. However, I don't believe that children benefit when we limit our love and affection. imo, setting limits applies to bed time, bath time, you can't eat dirt, my vase is not a toy, hitting is not allowed, no more sweets, don't spit water at your brother, etc., etc, etc. These are the limits they need and crave, NOT, I'm sorry but you've already met your daily quota of hugs.

Also, as many others have already said, this is the stage they are at. Very soon they will become more independent and start exploring for longer on their own, but as they grow into self-confident toddlers they need reassurance. If you watch them now, ever so often they probably look back to make sure you're still there. This is normal. When they become unsure, or frightened they seek you out for comfort. I don't believe that comforting them in this way will spoil them.

Tertia, my parenting style is very similar to yours, and my husband's to Marko's, I remember having the exact same concerns 5 years ago when my daughter was the same age as Adam and Kate. But I still picked her up all the time until she didn't need me too anymore. Her need to be held gradually subsided on it's own between 18 - 36 months. In fact she became a very happy and confident young girl. One day when she was 4 as I picked her up from a neighbor's house she had a complete crying jag because she didn't want to go home yet. My neighbor commented, 'well, you've definitely done something right that she should have the confidence to want to play all day in a house she's never been in without her mommy by her side. So many other children can't separate from their parents or other caregivers for playdates or school.' I hadn't ever thought of it like that, but I think she was right.

So my assvice is set limits when appropriate, and if the only thing you have a problem saying no to is hugs, holding and cuddling, then I don't believe that makes you too soft.

[Colleen]

Hi Tertia. .I think you are doing a great job with your kids.I also think Marko is right too.I work in a day nursery and so see many different styles of parenting and believe me the kids who have firmer parents are the ones who are happier.One Mum brings her twins and she finds separation very difficult and the kids feel the vibes and hold on to her tight and theres tears and Mums almost giving her job up,she crys too.Dad brings the kids and NO PROBLEM! He hands them over and says "you have a nice day now ,go play with your friends,by,bye,love you " the twins do not cry AT ALL. mum comes to pick them up and they have had a fabulous day,painted and played in the water .eaten well,slept well. . .as soon as they see Mum they both cry. . .this is what they call learned behaviour.Those babies are very clever!They know which buttons to press! I think you should let Marko have a baby shift.I think you will find Marko will enjoy it and so will the babies.You are a lovely,lovely family.

[Megan]

They are still so little. Its okay to follow your instincts and do what you think is right. They will grow up and not need your cuddles so much some day, relish it while you can.

[paola]

My nearly sixteen-month old is definitely starting to get a bit bratty.

As far as I can see she has three main sorts of cries.

Firstly the 'I've hurt myself' or 'I'm in trouble' crying which is absolutely definitely responded to with tons of cuddles and kisses.

Then there is the 'general whinging' complaining sort of crying which she does sometimes when we're doing something she doesn't want done - such as changing her nappy, putting her clothes on, stopping her from climbing stairs etc. No hugs then, instead distraction tends to work very well. Our two favourites are to put a muzzy or something over her head and start a game of hide and seek or else sing 'The baby on the bed/in the buggy/on the changing table goes waah, waah, waah (from 'The Wheels on the Bus') etc. etc. all day long'. She thinks this is hysterically funny and even sings along with the 'waah waahs'.

Lastly she has just started mini-tantrums when she's being stopped from doing something she wants to do (has very much coincided with being able to walk well)and which are accompanied by arching back and struggling etc. Hugs wouldn't work here anyway, she's too busy wriggling, but in any case this sort of behaviour is ignored as much as possible and greeted with a firm 'no'. Doesn't always work, mind you.

By the way, I'm sure you do this anyway, but I remember reading somewhere that it is very important to hug your babies and children even when they're not crying (we try very hard to hug her a lot when she is behaving nicely) so that they don't learn to associate pleasurable hugs with whining.

[lildb]

Oh, man! I'm not going to comment so very much on the exact nature of your topic; I have to reference the general tone of the post. Is this not THE biggest struggle we face as mothers/parents? The constant back-&-forth dance that we do in our heads regarding what is best for our babes? Goodddddd. It's truly enough to drive any normal person insane, let alone those of us who are already teetering on the precipice. I know this doesn't settle the issue for you, but you'd probably already determined that no one person was going to present you with the magic answer before you even began typing this thought down. It's more just that we worry so much and carry a lot of guilt because we want to do what's right for our kids more than anything else, and it somehow alieves a little of that guilt when we're able to communicate it to an empathetic audience, and then get a like-minded response. Non? I love reading your blog for this reason; it reassures me that I'm not alone in this feeling (a feeling that is more lonely than anything I'd ever experienced prior to it). You're obviously a wonderful, compassionate, loving mother whose kids' best interests are at the forefront of your mind, and never fear, they're going to turn out so well because of that. Someone told me (or I read, I can't recall) recently that kids are not like souffles; they're like stews. With souffles, one wrong move and it's ruined. Not so with stews; just keep tossing in whatever you think will taste good and cook it at the approximate temperature for a reasonable amount of time, and you'll end up with a delicious meal. I found that metaphor very reassuring. It's cheesy, but it works. Keep up your good lovin', momma Tertia. You're doing a great job.