What type of mother are you?

 

In light of our recent discussions on motherhood, I thought we could run a little quiz to find out what type of mother you are.

 

 

(Amended to include an option for the adoptive moms.  Forgive my oversight. I blame it on the wine.)

 

1. How did you conceive?

a) The ‘natural’ way, soft lighting and romantic music  

b) With a little help 

c) With lots of help, copious amounts of drugs and several people having had a good look at your cooter along the way

d) The clever way - I adopted.  

2. How did you give birth?

a) The ‘natural’ way, no drugs  

b) Natural. With drugs  

c) C-section  

d) Don't be ridiculous - all that manual labour is so Last Season - I adopted / surro.

3. BF vs Bottle?

a) Breastfed exclusively till the child was old enough to kneel while drinking  

b) Breastfed initially – hey, at least I tried!  

c) Formula fed  

4. Sleeping?

a) We co-sleep under our organically grown cotton sheets  

b) Where ever / whatever works

c) We did CIO  

5. Binky / dummy / paci?

a) For a while  

b) For as long as he needs it

c) For as long as it works as a volume button   

6. Solids?

a) Organically grown, home cooked special baby food  

b) Whatever we are eating  

c) Whatever he/she will eat

7. Snacks?

a) Organic fruit and the occasional sip of water  

b) Dried fruit, raisons and rice cakes.  

c) Whatever wont kill them  

8. Drinking?

a) Purified water out of a sippy cup  

b) Watered down juice  

c) Neat Vodka. From the bottle.  

9. Discipline?

a) We talk about feelings  

b) Occasional raised voice  

c) We spank  

10. TV?

a) Is not appropriate for little people

b) The kid can watch educational programmes for a few minutes a day

c) On a good day, a few minutes. On a bad day? Whatever works 

 

Your score?

You got mostly A’s? Congratulations! You are the Perfect Mother! Now, as a reward, immediately go and pour yourself a glass of lovely chilled iced tea. Or wine. But only once the kids are in bed.

 

You got mostly B’s? Congratulations! You are the Good Enough Mother! Now, as a reward, immediately dispatch your child to pour a glass of lovely chilled wine. For you, not for the child.

 

You got mostly C’s? I am very sorry. You are a Tertia. Never mind, I am sure you have many other redeeming qualities.  Now, as consolation, put your kids in front of the TV and go and pour yourself a big glass of whatever plonk you have available.

 

Cheers to all of us!

 

(Now don’t get all cross and defensive, this is tongue in cheek!!!!)

 

Comments

[Coral]

You forgot to put a bit of vodka in the baby bottles!!

[HoneyBee]

Probably one of the funniest things you've written.
"Dispatch the kids..."
My dad used to have me grab him a beer when I was little. I used to open it for him and steal a swig. (What kid didn't?)
I tell my kids to "please leave the beer closed. I prefer to open my own."
Memory = the best gift/tool a mother can have.

[Pascale]

I wonder if there's anyone (who reads this blog) getting mainly A's ? Haha! Thought not.

[suzzcq70]

I can't answer the first few qestions :( .I'm a mom, but we adopted. Don't worry T, I think you are still catching up on your sleep,

[Boulder]

Laughing out loud at the drinking question!

[Sally W]

I'm in an A cup bra but I am definitely NOT an A type mother. So disappointing - on both counts.

Cruising with Bs and Cs here....oh, I do use purified water....so maybe I have a chance at being a perfect mom...

...after my wine, maybe. Tomorrow, possibly the day after. When I get to it.

[cath]

my answers:

1 (a) no fucking clue though. was probably very drunk
2 (a) but i was screaming for the drugs. didnt have enough time
3 (b) and then my milk dried up and my dad died and finally had a cigarette
4 (b) usually this means i sleep on the floor whilst cameron and her dad stretch out
5 (c)
6 i started on (a) and now i am on (c)
7 i started in (a) and now i am on (c)
8 none of the above. cups are made to bang against the floor. ill take the vodka tho
9 not sure yet
10 (c)

[kelly]

two kids-different answers to each question except 9 & 10...

I always come up a mutt.

[MelissaC]

I'm a Tertia! Woo! This is the highlight of my day, seriously. :-)

[Amber]

Wow. I am you. Makes sense now...why I think you are so wonderful.

[blackbird]

I'm all over the place, one c-section, one natural, one with drugs...organic here and there with pop tarts, CIO and some breast feeding, paci and thumb and plenty of wine.
For
me.

[asil]

I'm all over the place, but the C's won! I think a good mix of parenting is good, keeps the kids guessing!

And to HoneyBee, who would take a swig of her dad's beer after she opened it, that's the rule in our house. If you can open it, you get the first drink. Never seen a four year old try so hard in all his life.

[Stephanie]

Mostly B's and C's...does this mean I can have the wine AND the vodka?

Oh...and the opening of the beer can...my sister and I would fight tooth and nail, claws and hair flying in a desperate race to get the refrigerator and grab that beer for dad. First one their gets to open it and take a sip! I don't think we even were SNEAKING the sip- it was the prize for getting there first!

[Kay]

There was no conception choice for "pissed off make-up sex". I guess I have to go with "a" since we didn't use extraordinary measures.

Other than that, I'm mostly b/c. Sometimes at the same time. So, I'm a multiple personality Tertia.

Funny stuff.

[Ally]

"You got mostly B’s? Congratulations! You are the Good Enough Mother! Now, as a reward, immediately dispatch your child to pour a glass of lovely chilled wine. For you, not for the child."

I did get mostly b's, and I think this is pretty funny, because yesterday as my perfect angel was flinging his breakfast all over the floor and demanding MY breakfast istead, I muttered to myself, "Just wait, in a couple of years you'll be old enough to make my breakfast and don't think I won't make you."

[Ellen]

Plus, in the breastfeeding/formula category, there are so many sub-choices. I was going to Miss Exclusively Nursing Mommy, but my daughter wouldn't latch for two months, so I pumped and gave her bottles (somewhat for nutrition, but mostly because I didn't want to shell out for formula when I had free stuff dripping out of my boobs.) Then she latched and we nursed. Then when she was nine months, I was tired of being the sole source of her milk supply so we did half formula/half nursing. Now I can't get the little stinker to wean and am about to start putting Ovaltine in cow's milk just to get her to drink it. We've come a long way from "exclusively nursed."

What I'd like to see is how many women, pre-baby, decided that they were going to be an A, but turned into a C, post-baby. (That would be moi.)

[anonymous]

When our son had just turned 2 years old, a friend of my husband's came over for a visit. As soon as he sat down on the couch, our son said to him, "Hi Dale. You want a beer?"

[jennifer]

Woo-hoo.
I too am a Tertia.
Ellen, I would have sooo beed an A mom...before I had kids! ;)

[CursingMama]

Totally couldn't stop myself from this one Tertia -
1. How did you conceive?
d) The back seat of a Buick

2. How did you give birth?
d) Natural. Not enough drugs

3. BF vs Bottle?
c) Formula fed

4. Sleeping?
d) We did CIO with earplugs - sorry neighbors!

5. Binky / dummy / paci?
d) Little pisser wouldn’t keep it in his damn mouth!

6. Solids?
c) Whatever he/she will eat

7. Snacks?
c) Whatever won’t kill them

8. Drinking?
b) Watered down juice

9. Discipline?
d) is there anything other than a raised voice?

10. TV?
d) best baby sitter ever!

Considering they're now 10 & 13 and haven't been convicted of a felony I'm guessing I haven't done too bad ;)

[Penny Farthing]

I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of mom I'll eventually be (hopefully!).

quote:What I'd like to see is how many women, pre-baby, decided that they were going to be an A, but turned into a C, post-baby.

Hey, I'm aiming for a B, knowing my luck I'll be a D! (ie Michael Jackson)

[Suzie-Q.]

Mostly am a "C" mommy on this quiz which makes me an "A" mommy in my book! ;)
Oh, and, nobody ever drank beer in my house so i never got the first sip... perhaps that why i like to drink so much as an adult... i was deprived as a child!!!
Yay for me that i am just like the G&D Tertia!

[Brandy]

I am just like you!!!
Never let a toddler try a beer because if they are a little country boy from Mississippi, it does not matter what age, they will love it. We have to hide the beer bottles when we do get to have one, he wants it so bad he makes himself sick because we won't give it to him.

[Stacey]

1. How did you conceive?
d) With the help of booze!
2. How did you give birth?
d) Induced, no drugs for 19 hours, epidural for three
3. BF vs Bottle?
a) Breastfed exclusively till the child was old enough to kneel while drinking (still breastfeeding now at 20 months)
4. Sleeping?
d) always in the crib
5. Binky / dummy / paci?
d) Never used a pacifier, haaaate them
6. Solids?
d) Whatever I cook for her
7. Snacks?
c) Whatever wont kill them
8. Drinking?
d) Milk or Water
9. Discipline?
d) time out
10. TV?
d) Teletubbies

[abogada]

V v funny. Excellent post.

[Liz]

HAH.. so funny and so true. I'm mostly a BC Mom, and a couple of Ds. I can't wait for that glass of wine tonight. :)

[KellyGreenT]

Hate to be a PITA cause I know this was tounge in cheek but you don't have to give birth to be a mother. I feel like adoptive moms and moms that used surrogates were kinda excluded from this poll.

I'm really not trying to be too sensitive just can't help myself.

[L.]

I think you should grade on a curve, and give us all A`s!

[Siobhan41]

Tertia, I love ya, but this really is sloppy of you. Look at your own posse, for crying out loud. Grrl isn't a mother? I KNOW you didn't intend that message, but as an adoptive mother, I was shut out of your quiz from the get-go. So I guess that in itself classifies what kind of mother I am: "other", not a "real" mom.

I KNOW from reading your site for ages, that this is not how you feel, so I don't get why you couldn't have taken a few seconds to read it over and realize that you'd excluded a chunk of the infertile sphere by how you chose to do this. And that this could really hurt some people. Nothing fatal, mind you, just an unexpected slap from someone perceived as an ally.

Or perhaps it was *intended* to exclude those of us who are mothers without having conceived, as a subversive take on the "uber mom's" view of us--that is, you were "channeling" them while crafting the quiz. In which case, I didn't have enough caffeine before reading it. Apologies, etc.

I love your site and your incredible wit. I am thrilled to bits with how your own infertility story has played out, and I think you are an awesome mom, (and it goes without saying, gorgeous and divine) so please know that I'm not attacking you.

But still. Ouch.

[hazel]

Lovely!
I was in my local and very busy Starbucks the other day with my little boy of 3. As I ordered I told him just one more stop before home to which he replied "Is it the liquor store Mama?" You should have seen the looks! All I could do was laugh! And we don't even drink a lot!!

[R*belle]

LOVE it! That is hysterical. We would get along very well!

[Judy]

Oh, I so needed this today! Thanks for the smile, Tertia!

[Penny Farthing]

quote: you'd excluded a chunk of the infertile sphere by how you chose to do this.

Weird, but as a member of the infertile sphere I don't feel excluded at all. In fact it was quite nice to have the opportunity to express my opinion on the sort of mother I'll be with getting that look of 'If you DO ever get to be a mother...' that I would expect to get if I expressed it to people in know in real life :)

I can't see that Tertia would have ever intended to upset anyone by leaving them out or making them feel inferior.

[bec]

Hey! I like this quiz. I had enough A's to cancel out my C's and I average out to a B, good enough! Cool!

[Eliza]

Hello. Everything well? I read on you in the magazine selections [Reader's Digest]. I thought your history is very interesting and I decided to enter in your blog to know you better. I don't know English very well [ I am Brazilian and I speak Portuguese]. But I'd like to leave registered my happiness here in seeing that you got to overcome all of the obstacles and you got two beautiful children. Congratulations!! They are really very beautiful. Happiness!!

[Kara]

Ya know what? I think all those answers lead to (B)--the good enough mother.

And thank Gawd all choices end in wine.

Bottoms up!

[Dona]

Mostly C's!!! But kids will spill red wine on carpet. What's a mom to do? How do you get wine out of OshKosh overalls?

[DebbieS]

Anybody got any diet Plonk?? Cheers, Tertia!

[Dani]

If you can come up with an average for my answers, you are a math whiz:

1. a, a and I have no fucking idea. Do you believe in immaculate conception? Because I have no idea where that child came from.

2. b, b and c.

3. c, c and b.

4. c.

5. b.

6. b and c depending on the day/mood.

7. b and sometimes c.

8. a and b with all of them. Boy, I wish I thought of c with the middle one!

9. all of the above. It depends on the circumstances.

10. c and then some!

So... what do I win? Hey, Julie gives prizes on her blog. You suck. Asshole. ;)

xoxo

[L.]

You forgot the circumcision question, for parents of boys:

A) We researched the subject carefully, considered all of the cultural and medical evidence, and made what we felt was the best decision for our family.

B) I left the decison entirely to my husband, since after all, he`s the one with a penis. (This was me.)

C) Huh? Never noticed if we got him circumcized or not. Can I have another glass, please?

[Kimberly Knowles]

There is a reason my blog is called OnTheFence. LOL The first question, well I have several answers because I have four children and one of those kids we adopted, and two of them were concieved with the "O how the hell did that happen" method. I also have to have csections but the question about breastfeeding redeemed me!I nurse for about 18m on average, and I breastfed the adopted child so I think I should get bonus points for that.
Also the more kids you have, the more the answer may vary with each child. So, for kid no.1 I think I might qualify as an A, but for kid number 4, I may have flunked.
And you definitely forgot the circumcision question!

[Midori]

I was getting worried about being a goody two shoes as I was A all the way until the food part and then my true colours came out! ;) Bs and Cs the rest of the way!

[Kathy B]

Well, I got mostly "C"s - and am PROUD of it. (But if I were to grade myself as a Mom, I would give myself a "B" -- after all, my daughter turned out just fine!!!)

[tanyetta]

My first time to your blog and I'm a TERTIA!!!!!!!!!

Wooo hooo...where's my prize?

Hilarious!

Now I can go and relax, I thought I was going to be an A or B (heaven forbid).