The cutthroat world of motherhood

 

(This is the post I wrote after my two glasses of wine – not too bad!  Was scared it contained many more swearwords that it did. Am model of restraint. Oh, and much better night last night!  Thank bloody goodness)

 

One would think that after waiting so long, after having so much time to imagine what it would be like, motherhood should have been pretty much as expected.

 

Instead, motherhood has been a huge shock to me. And not only because of the lack of sleep and the unending relentlessness of the enormous responsibility.

 

As the babies get bigger, more independent and less frightening, I find myself getting into somewhat of a comforting and comfortable motherhood groove. I’ve found my rhythm; things definitely do get easier.

 

And as things get easier, and my world gets bigger, I am becoming increasingly aware of just what a high profile, public role motherhood is. Up until now I was too busy mothering to be aware of the level of public scrutiny that is placed on mothers. And sadly, it is not so much by non-mothers, but rather by other mothers. Not even world leaders and presidents are subject to the same amount of judgment and derision as mothers are.

 

And (like assholes!) everyone has an opinion, it would appear. And they are not scared to share it. Religion and politics hold no sway to motherhood when it comes to the impassioned contention of public opinion.

 

Whereas for pretty much any other subject of debate, some form of social etiquette will ensure that (most) opinion is passed with a certain level of circumspection and respect; when it comes to judging other people’s mothering, there seems to be no holds barred.

 

And this surprises me. Greatly. And it disappoints me.

 

Never have I felt so judged, and as a result, so unsure of myself as when it comes to motherhood. Motherhood seems to have undertaken a level of professionalism that leaves me bewildered.  And here I foolishly thought it was a ‘natural’, instinctive state of being.  What happened to ‘good enough’ mothering? Has motherhood always been so competitive, so judgmental, so aggressive, or is this a modern day phenomenon?  Am I only aware of it now that I am a mother or has it always been this way?

 

There is stuff I do every day that I think “if some people had to know I do this they would be up in arms!” One can’t do this, one can’t do that. This is bad, that is damaging. You let your kids watch TV? Don’t you know you will ruin them forever, you bad bad mother. They still drink from a bottle???? They will be underachieving social misfits because you didn’t change them from bottles to sippy cups at exactly 13 months.

 

For a while I bought into that. And trying to keep up, trying to do the right thing, nearly drove me fucking insane. I had stopped listening to my instinct; I was trying so hard to do what the Perfect Mother did.

 

And now? Now I think ‘fuck everyone else’. These are MY kids, *I* am their mother.

 

My kids watch TV. Not for long, but my kids watch TV. They love TV. And yes, I know some people think TV is the devils spawn. I tell you what; why don’t you keep TV away from YOUR kids and I will manage mine. And that’s not all! My kids still drink their milk out of a bottle. And you know what is even worse; I hold the bottle for them! And guess what else! I give my kids the occasional snack of a few chips or a lollipop. I didn’t breastfeed (I couldn’t), I did CIO with Adam. I have spanked my kids on the very odd occasion and I will do it again if I think it is appropriate. Shock horror!

 

And you know what else? I don’t care what anyone else thinks of this. These are my kids. I love them dearly. I mother them the best way I know how. If my kids end up happy; knowing they are deeply, totally, loved, then I have done my job well.

 

I am amazed, surprised and saddened how judgmental mothers are of other mothers. Before becoming a mother I would have guessed the opposite to be true; that mothers would band together and support each other. But I guess I was incredibly naïve.

 

I think what surprises me most, is how much the judgment affects me. I would love to say that I rise above the judgment passed by the card-carrying, flag-waving Mommy Judges, but the barbs sneak through. They know how to hit where it hurts.

 

At risk of doing what I am accusing them of doing; I have to wonder why they do it. Why they pursue their calling with such militant dedication. Do they judge for the sake of the child? Have they appointed themselves champions of the interests of all children, not just their own. Is their motivation truly altruistic; or is the real reason they so readily judge other mothers more to do with seeking to validate their own choices? If what I do is wrong, then it means they are right?

 

Whatever the reason, I don’t like it and I am not going to buy into it. And I am going to do my damndest not to let it get to me.

 

You mother your children in the way you feel is best for your family; I’ll do the same for mine.

 

Comments

[cristy]

Amen sister.

[victoria]

Wow, Tertia, I'm sorry people feel entitled to criticize your childrearing practices. You work so hard to be consistently courteous and respectful to others, even when their views differ from yours. It's too bad that not everyone can follow your example.

[Julie]

When I started blogging I almost took the screen name "notamom" because all of the women I blog with and read are moms and I am not. I try to be very senstitive to parental issues when I state an opinion - which I don't do very often other than to be supportive.

I am SHOCKED by how vicious some moms are. I wonder how woman who are so close-minded and judgemental can be decent parents. What kind of bigotry are they teaching their childer? I think the CIO/AP divide is uglier than any political debates. Same thing with BF or not. This opinion I am comfortable expressing.

Sorry to go on so long.

[tess]

from what i have experienced, it seems mothers are so critical because:

1) they assume that what worked for their family would work for every family

2) they are so self conscious/insecure that if they draw attention to someone else's actions then people won't focus on their own.

before i had children i always had brilliant fail safe ideas on what parents should be doing. and then sebbie sebbie so so was born and the mile in the moccasins commenced. these days i don't say what they should be doing, but i will offer if asked what worked for our family.

having said that, i hope the chips you're giving your children are from mcdonalds because the chips compliment the nuggets very nicely.

oh and in regards to yesterday's post about working mothers vs single mothers...from the other side of the coin, i can very easily get intimidated by a working mother. i feel that they have it all, a job, a classy wardrobe, a USE for those highheels, and all i am is a sloppy mum. just as comments like, "i decided my kids were worth it" is hurtful, so are comments like, "i couldn't stay home, i needed to use my brain" and, "i have to be more than just a mum." and i think these comments are made out of self defense. and i am sure you will agree with me that not all SAHM make the hurtful comments, just like the number of (paid) working mothers made depricating comments about SAHM's.

rock on, rock hard.

[Rebecca]

I just wish you could see me standing up and clapping for you!

YOU are their mother, YOU know them best, YOU know how you want them raised. It's amazing to me that while most will admit there is no "right or wrong" in parenting, people are SO critical of others who don't parent exactly as they do/did.

Keep up the great job Tertia. You are a wonderful mother, and -quite seriously- I question if those snot ass, judgmental freaks are not just jealous that you have figured out how to be Tertia AND Mom... instead of a mother named Tertia.

[cath]

love you T. i've written about this before too (http://cath.iblogs.com/2006/01/30/child-psychologists-be-damned-again/ and http://cath.iblogs.com/2006/01/18/alert-the-child-psychologists/. fuck em all darling. you're the perfect mother for your gorgeous babies. as long as theyre happy, healthy and loved, who the fuck cares if theyre still drinking from bottles or watching tv. fuck that.

you're doing the best job on the planet. well done. now go drink wine.

[Meg]

I hear ya, sweetie. And fwiw you're doing a great job.

I vacillate between, "This is fine, we're coping, I don't care what anyone else thinks," and "Oh my GOD she glared at me! She did! She must be innately hating [whatever I just did] and ready to call Children's Services! She's such a judgemental bitch, it wasn't THAT bad... but, oh, no, I shouldn't've done it, really, oh, shit, I'm a terrible mother, I'll call Children's Services myself..."

And the person in question probably looked my way because she thought she recognised me from school. Or because she saw a sign about an item being on special behind me and she was interested.

Some parents are wonderfully supportive and nice, but some just make you feel SO judged and bad. And I'm sure I've done it to other people (unintentionally) too. Sometimes I don't give a rats no matter what anyone says, but sometimes I'm very selfconscious and defensive.

MOTHERHOOD IS WONDERFUL, BUT ALSO FUCKING HARD.

I think that encapsulates everything I want to say. ::g::

[tess]

me again to clarify that the numbers of (paid) working mothers and SAHM's that make those hurtful statements are the minority. but theirs are the comments that we remember, because they fuel our own insecurities.

tertia, you know you are doing a great job. don't let the judgemental attitudes get to you.

solidarity among women is a near impossible task...not just among mothers. some women have affairs with other women's husbands. we're very flawed.

but we're also very wonderful, and there are many people out here who see the pictures of your children's laughing faces, hear of the great time you are having with them, sympathise with the decisions you're having to make..do i? don't i? should they? ... and we're the majority percentage that should say more often...YOU"RE DOING GREAT! which should drown out the percentage that claim, "youre not doing what i did, so you must be wrong!"

buckets of xoxox

[Lindsey]

There is no greater tool we have as mothers than our instinct. I applaud you for standing up for yours.

[blackbird]

it all comes from putting yourself out there.
if people didn't know you gave the bottle/spank/telly, they'd have nothing to say -
but you are open and honest and it is your charm.
stand firm.

here it comes....

[Rob]

I agree with the previous posts that children are different, & what works for one child may not work for another... but I do think that we should be able to offer and receive criticism of our parenting techniques. By criticism I do not mean nasty, negative, personal attacks! But I think it's important that we consider alternatives to what we "feel is best"... doesn't mean we have to change our views or feel bad about ourselves. I mostly feel good about my parenting, and I would feel a bit of a sting if someone criticized something I do... but I'm open to the idea that I could do better.

But if you're going to comment about someone else's beliefs or practices then be polite and sympathetic! Don't go stalking them out of playgrounds, accusing them of being cruel, or anything like that.

[~Lucy~]

I completly agree that mothering is not, and should not be, a spectator sport.

However, I'm a member of an online mother's group (www.essentialbaby.com.au) and some of the behaviour that goes on in there would make your toes curl.

The fact is, not every mother is a good mother. And your "good enough" mothering is probably of such a high standard that another mother's "good enough" mothering is probably verging on dangerous/abusive by comparison.

Tertia - you are an excellent mother. I've been reading your blog since you started and it's obvious you are. But some mothers are not, for many reasons - sometimes, they just don't know that what they are doing is wrong - possibly because their own parent's parenting was so sub-standard.

I see behaviour on EB that is truly repugnant - such as giving phenergan to 8 week old babies without doctor's advice to "make her sleep". In such circumstaces, I'm going to excersize my right of reply and say that that really is abusive behaviour. And life-threatening behaviour.

I'm not sure if you have looked at many parenting sites - but truly, the standard of parenting of some people is so dire that I really have to say something. I generally bite my tongue, but in the phenergan case I must admit to be really quite incensed.

[Sally W]

OMG yes, T. When my daughter was ONE I had people asking why she wasn't drinking out of a regular cup, why she wouldn't sit on the mat at playgroup and eat her snack instead of wandering around, why she was so attached to me and didn't like to go to others. And each time the accusation was there - it was because I'd done something wrong. Now she's at kindy (she's 4) and can't use scissors. I am asked why I haven't worked on her scissor skills. WTF? I rocked my daughter to sleep until she was 18 months old - and copped shit about it. Then I did some controlled crying - and copped shit from different people. She had a dummy until 4 - oh the evilness of it, I was a v v bad mum for that one.

Anyway, I used to pay attention, and try to do everything on everyone else's schedule. Now I work to my kids' schedules, and mine. I do what works for us.

As for why people criticise, well I have 2 theories.

1. Parents are insecure about how they are doing things, so if they vehemently promote THEIR way as the best, other people will start thinking it is the best way, and they'll feel better about themselves.

2. As a SAHM, I can tell you it's hard to give up "the other life". The only thing you have to talk about is parenting. So some people act like a parenting expert because it makes them feel that they are really good at something, that they are doing something worthwhile. OF course they are bloody well doing something worthwhile. But one mum's way isn't the only way. I don't know how many friends of mine have said they are going to write a book about parenting because they couldn't find anything out there that fitted their child. Absolutely, no book will exactly fit a particular child, because we do have to "write" our own parenting manual based on the individual child, the individual parent, and circumstances. But sister, no-one else really wants to read your book on the perfect way to raise children - so leave the publishers alone.

As Lindsey said, it's all about instinct.

Oh, and my kids watch TV. Sometimes not much. Some days lots. And my kids are just fine thanks!

[Sally W]

Lucy and Rob,

Hadn't thought of it that way. I've been a member of a few parenting boards and you're right, sometimes people are doing dire things to their kids. Like CIO at a few weeks old and risking dehydration, leaving babies alone in the bath so they can get a few jobs done...or worse, going out at night and leaving kids alone. So sometimes a polite suggestion may be in order.

[Alley_uk]

I haven't yet become a mother (still 3 months to go until the twins are born) but I have been watching - with interest- the debates that rage whenever parenting decisions are raised.

I firmly believe that as in all walks of life we are subject to criticism for the things we say and do, however there is never an excuse for intolerance, rudeness or for that matter harsh judgements.

Lucy - I applaud you for raising the point about those parents who truly do their children harm but is dealing with that problem not a problem for professionals? In the case of someone abusing their child, could the children be more in danger if other people anger the parents?

Perhaps it is that we live in a world where hysteria is never far away. Where a decision made by one person cannot be seen as just a difference in opinion but should rather be seen as harmful to that child.

It worries me that I am bringing children into a world where tension is so rife and where they (and their parents) will be subjected to all kinds of hysteria from such young ages.

A bit of a rant, but my opinion none-the-less.

Rock on Tertia hun!

[~Lucy~]

Alley - Excellent point. And yes, it would be much, much better if it were left to professionals.

But these women admit to doing these things on the net, not to their doctors (here's another - one member wanted to know if it was OK that she left her 6 month old in the bath by herself while she had a shower...). So other mothers hear about it, not the professionals.

Please note - I'm really not talking about 'lifestyle' choices such as when you swap from bottle to cup or cloth versus disposables ect ect. I'm talking about negligent, life-threatening behaviour.

[Kim]

Wow someone must have really given you a hard time about it. I am aware that there are all these 'opinions' out there but still just decide what I want for my babe. I do listen to some if it is backed by research but otherwise don't. I suppose there are some fanatics out there trying to be the perfect mum. I also still give my babe a bottle - he's 13 mths, it makes him go to sleep and I like that aspect - he aint going to go to sleep drinking from a sippy cüp!

[Working From Home Today]

I bet it was a bit different, say, 50 years ago when 'one hated to be rude'. And yet, you read things from back then and it's clear women have been dealing with the opinions of other women forever. 'Mother in Law' isn't a cliche for nothing.

Maybe it's like that saying, "it takes a village to blah-blah-blah.' At one time, it mattered to the whole community that you raised your kids a certain way. The community was at stake, economically, spiritually. It was more about common survival. Only now, the village is the whole Internet and comments are made freely by annonymous people who don't actually have a stake in your children's successful rearing or your wellbeing. Yet, the opinions flow freely.

It's our nature, I guess. Feeling like our opinions matter to someone out there. Even if we're up our own arses most of the time.

[rebecca]

all the sippy cup stuff is each to her own, but isn't there room to debate about spanking?
it seems to me that it's in the interests of all children if that debate stays alive.
i'm not saying it should be outlawed but i do think a debate surrounding it keeps drawing and redrawing the line in a way that helps children and all of us.
i don't think it should be personal, but i'm sure there are instances when people take out their own frustration on their children and they need to be reminded that spanking shouldn't serve this purpose. (i hesitate to bring this up because obviously you do it for safety purposes which seems legitimate to me, but some people don't have a level of control with it.)

[anon]

I struggle with not being judgemental. I feel very passionate about certain aspects of motherhood, but I know how hurtful and wrong it is to judge other mothers. My oldest child has ADHD, and I am just exhausted all the time. I let her (and by default her 2.5-year-old brother) watch way more TV than I should, because it's the only down time I have, and it's the quickest and most surefire way to help her relax and rest her body for a little while.

My mother was very judgemental. She always thought that her way was the right way and every other way was stupid or immoral. It can be very damaging to kids to grow up with a mother that is this rigid. You never learn that it is ok to make mistakes and learn from them, and if you ever find yourself in a bad situation, it is your fault for not doing things right. I don't want to be that kind of person or have my kids raised in that kind of atmosphere.

[Bridgette]

I really like this post. I don't understand why mothers are so judgemental of other mothers, but I don't like it either. We do the best we can with what we have to work with, but it never seems to be good enough.

Since you bared your deep dark mothering secrets, I'll bare mine right along with you. My son will be 3 next month, and still has his binky. He watches TV, quite a bit actually. He still sleeps in a crib. I have spanked him before. He does get candy and junk food occasionally, although I do try very hard to get him to eat the good stuff.

I'm sure there is more that I have done to totally screw him up, but its early and my coffee hasn't sunk in yet. I for one think you are doing a great job Tertia. Your kids are gorgeous, divine and happy.

[Em]

"...to do with seeking to validate their own choices?"

I think you hit the nail on the head here. I think parenting is such a personal and passionate part of people's lives they need to know that their choices are the absolute best choices. Some people can only validate themselves by assuming other people's choices are INvalid.

I have to admit, I do this myself. I would NEVER say anything to anyone but I might see my kid doing something better than another kid his age and privately feel smug (like I had a damn thing to do about it) or see some other child doing something less desirable that my child isn't doing and pretending it isn't the grace of God but some superior parenting skill that I have preventing it. Again, I have to say, I know better than to dare assume I know what is best for someone else's child but I would say I am guilty of quietly judging.

Which brings me to a topic that I hope doesn't draw fire. I am a obstetric nurse and as time goes by, "they" are trying to basically phase out bottle feeding altogther - currently, the push is to not allow advertising of any kind for formula, advocating breastfeeding. Of course I advocate breastfeeding but I also don't look down upon bottle feeding as a choice. My point is, that from day one, MINUTE one, new moms are paraded past pro-breastfeeding collages on the way to her room, have lactation consultants and nurses trying to convince her to try breastfeeding and no signs of formula anywhere. This is all fine for a mom who is planning to bf or perhaps even still undecided but I feel makes a woman who, for whatever reason she chose, decided to bottle feed, feel excluded, judged, not good enough. From minute one of motherhood. It doesn't seem fair to me.

I do not intend to start a breast vs bottle debate, only point out that every choice feels scrutinized from the very beginning of motherhood and sometimes we internalize harmless comments and sometimes it all feels like part of a bigger plan to bully moms into one parenting style or another.

[ashleigh]

Bravo and Amen!

[anon]

I apologize for being sucked into a debate here, but the last post bothered me. IMO, it is a hospital's reponsibility to promote healthy choices, which includes breastfeeding, *when possible*. I think of this as being similar to promoting exercise. I don't exercise much, and I am overweight, and I do feel guilty when I see exercise promotion and information on the risks of being overweight, but I agree that proper education needs to be done. (No, I am not saying formula is equivalent to being sedentary and overweight, it is just an analogy!) So I know that mothers who are not breastfeeding may feel bad at seeing lots of breastfeeding promotion, but hospitals should not make health care decisions based on what is going to make people feel good.

My disclaimer is that I am a lactation consultant in private practice, but I have worked in a hospital. We *never* "tried to convince" mothers to breastfeed, we just provided a resource for mothers who desired help. I don't know about your hospital, but in my hospital, and in most, formula companies have contracts and do tons of marketing and promotion to a captive audience. In what other area of health care are corporations allowed to come in and push their product on patients at their bedsides? I don't have a problem with mothers making an informed choice to use formula, but I do have a major problem with the aggressiveness of the marketing, especially when mothers have just given birth and are learning to care for their babies.

When there is clear research on the benefits of a certain choice in a person's health, such as breastfeeding or exercise, that choice should be promoted by health care facilities, because that is the responsible thing to do.

[beaver girl]

Em - i don't want to get off on a bf vs bottle tangent here either - but i think the push to eliminate formula advertising and the free samples at hospitals comes from a place of wanting more babies to be bf and no one makes a profit off that. As opposed to the formula companies - who do make money when people choose their product over bf. I don't think they advertise their product and give away samples in an effort to make moms feel less judged.