Weighing in on the debate

 

There is a fabulous conversation going on a blog I have just discovered.

 

The blogger has a very interesting post that says, in summary, that it is wrong to gain excessive weight (through neglect or a lack of caring, obviously not through reasons beyond one’s control) after you have married, because that is false advertising in a way. You got married when you were slim and trim and now a few years later you’ve let yourself go. Actually, go read her post, she articulated it very well.

 

Then my NBF L wrote a blog post in response – go read hers, because she almost presents the reality of the other side.

 

Ok, read both posts? Good.

(please see below for more bloggers blogging about the topic, let me know if there are any more)

 

Now, I agree with MIM to an extent. I don’t think that being married is an excuse to let yourself go completely. Unfortunately I see this too often. Women taking less pride in themselves once they are married. Where I disagree with her somewhat, is that I don’t think you should do it for your husband, I think you should look after yourself for yourself! Excessive weight gain often results in low self esteem, which can make you feel depressed, which makes you feel less sexy and sexual, which leads to all sorts of other problems etc. And yes, you do want to look nice for your husband; but just as you would hopefully stick with him through thick and thin, literally and figuratively, hopefully he should do the same for you. In theory. But again, the marriage vow is not a guarantee or an excuse. I should hope that we would want to maintain at least some level of attractiveness and attraction in our relationships. So yes, I don’t think we should let ourselves go. But do you ‘owe’ your spouse a certain level of attractiveness or a certain weight or shape? I don’t know.

 

The reason why this post was particularly pertinent is that I was at my neighbours house for a braai on Sunday, there were three couples there, all us women are in our (very) late 30’s. One women’s husband was overweight, but Marko and my neighbour’s husband are both very slim and athletic. My neighbour is probably about 20 pounds overweight. Maybe less. The three of us women were moaning about what a pain it is to have to diet, and how all three of us were on some kind of weight loss effort.

 

Then my neighbour said that she has a real motivation to lose weight in that her husband gave her a present for her birthday, it is a full wardrobe make over. But only if she loses 20 pounds.

 

My initial reaction was WHAT THE FUCK! I would kill my husband if he did that. How DARE he have something to say about my weight. My neighbour has three kids, her twins are 22 months and she is hardly overweight. Perhaps he is just being supportive, or kind, or trying to motivate her, but I would have been pissed off.

 

Same goes for my friend L, I would be mortified if my husband made remarks about my weight, even in a joking way. I would never be able to shrug it off. But perhaps she is more confident within herself. In fact she probably is. Good for her.

 

It made me think: would I love my husband less if he put on weight? No. But I will be honest and say that if he was grossly overweight I would probably find him less physically attractive; I have always been attracted to skinny blokes. However, if he let himself go to the point of personal hygiene, then yes, I would love him less because I would interpret that as a lack of respect for me.

 

So, I guess I am a bit all over the place on this one. Yes, I agree that one shouldn’t let oneself go after getting married. But I disagree that you owe your husband a certain weight or shape. I think you owe it to yourself to be a shape or weight that you truly feel comfortable in. After all, part of the great thing about marriage is the ability to be comfortable with each other, to look past the external flaws and love the person as they are, warts and all. Like it or not, we do change; we get heavier, older, wrinklier, balder, saggier. But you can be all of that and still take pride in yourself and look and be attractive; and I think that is the trick.

 

It doesn’t matter if you are 10, 15 or 50 pounds heavier than you were when you got married; if you take pride in yourself and dress nicely, do your hair, spray some perfume on, wear pretty earrings etc, you will feel nice and you will look nice. And I am sure that is all that most men want. They want us to like ourselves and to be happy. Because they know, the happier we are within ourselves the sexier we will feel, and that can only mean good things for the long suffering husband. A happy wife makes a happy husband.

 

So false advertising? Maybe not.  But you do owe it to yourself and consequently your relationship to look after yourself and to be happy within yourself.  Comfortable yes; letting yourself go, no.

 

A fascinating debate.

 

NOTE: We are not talking about a few pounds heavier, that happens as a matter of course (it’s called middle aged spread!), we are talking about significant weight gain.

 

More bloggers weighing in on the debate

City Mama

Suburban Bliss

Moxie

Jen Creer

Linda Bindner

Susan Wagner

Metrodad

Husbands Anon

tommybarbarella

Patriarchy

Commeo

Mopie

Mostly Risible

Vindauga

Momnes

Chaos with class

Paige

145

Raising WEG

justlinda

jennster

Kristine

julieatethis

 

 

Please note:  I am looking for your own experiences or feelings.  Please do NOT make personal remarks about any of the people mentioned in my post, not about them, their husbands or their relationships.  Please respect that.

Comments

[Beachgal]

Wow. After reading all referenced posts, I agree that each person has to do what THEY feel is right. But let me give you some insight to the opposite end of the problem. My husband has become quite over weight in the past two years, due to a serious back injury. Was he a thin little thing before, no, but he wasn't really overweight like he is now. He is limited on his activities which first off contributed to the gain, and limits the work he can do to try to lose it. We've completely modified his diet and that is helping a bit, but until he's physically able to strenuosly work out, which may be never, he'll never lose all of it. Meanwhile, over the past four years, I gained 60 pounds while pregnant, maintained 20 of it after the baby, and have now gotten 10 pounds below pre-baby weight. Did I do it because hubby wanted me to, NO! I did it because I wanted to get healthier. And while I don't feel like I look awesome, I know I look better than I did before. Even better than when we got married, actually. I'm not hassling my husband to lose weight so that he looks better and I find him more attractive, I'm hassling him so he will be healthier and most importantly, BE AROUND!!!

So, basically, if the other women feel they owe it to their spouse to stay skinny, fine for them. But the same won't apply to everyone.

[S]

My Mom was always fit and trim and my Dad was the one gorging himself and weighing 50 pounds more than he should (and he used to be skiiinny). And I did always think she kind of got a bad deal. So I would say I agree that you should do all you can to look your best, for you AND your spouse. I think the "but I'm healthy" line is sort of a copout - many, many studies have shown that extra weight, even if you can still walk a mile or two, increases chance of heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and a myriad of other health problems. Of course you're "healthy" now, you're only 30 or 40 years old... it's when you're 60 that it catches up with you.

[Andrea]

After reading all these blog posts, I am so thankful for my darling husband. During my significant IF-related weight gain, 40+ lbs, which grew over several YEARS, all he would say is, "You are always beautiful to me." Never a negative word about my appearance, not once. Since my recent loss of 40+ lbs, he says, "Wow, you look fantastic! You are doing so well. But you have always been beautiful to me!" He is a God send. Love that man. Think I will shag him tonight just for that.

[MIM]

Thanks for weighing in! (hee hee)

I guess I just don't see what's wrong with having some concern about what my partner thinks of my appearance -- especially since he has to look at me everyday. That doesn't translate into him dictating my appearance or my not exercising for MYSELF. I think it's a balance. After all, when you're in a relationship, it's simply considerate to think of the other person as well.

That's all I'm saying.

[Amanda]

I have mixed feelings on this issue. I read both posts, but I don't have time at the moment to read all the comments.

I have a very weight obsessed family. One sister has had an eating disorder. My husband's mother is very overweight and has had significant health issues because of it. My husband is very very concious of my weight, and I am equally concious. I am 5 feet tall, so 5 pounds extra means lots of my clothes do not fit properly. I gained 40 lbs with my 1st pregnancy, lost 50, and gained 50 with the second. I do have 9 lb babies. I have lost all the weight from the second pregnancy, but since finishing breastfeeding I am having to really work to keep it off. I love to eat. Lots of junk. Chocolate especially.

My husband is quite vocal about my weight. His thought process is that I owe it to him and to myself to look the best I can. I have the time and the ability to exercise, and it is nobody's fault but mine if I overeat. We are married for life, and he has a right to make requests about my appearance, and I have the right to make requests about his. I do get upset with him at times because he really focuses on appearances. And let's face it - there are certain areas of my body that will never be the same. You have spoken about cosmetic prodedures before and I am all for it when the time is right. I am sure that if I maintained 50 extra pounds he would be unhappy. And I would be unhappy with him.

This is a difficult issue. I have to say I agree with MIM's post. But I also think that if there is a physical or medical reason for the extra weight that the issue is altogether different.

[DrJ]

I´ve put on significant amounts of weight in the last year due to stressful job/life decisions, distance relationship and homesickness. I feel like crap and so my husband feels that as well. He´s not happy with me because I´m not happy in my own skin, but also I´m quite sure he´s finding it more difficult to be attracted to me. I agree with MIM in this - if I had changed my body in any other way, say, got all over body tattoo´s and piercings then my husband would have every right not to like it and not to find me attractive anymore.

Political correctness, while useful in job applications, has very little to do with how one perceives attractiveness within a relationship. He may still love you for the person you are, but don´t be surprised if, conciously or subconciously, he can´t find you the sex symbol you once were if you let yourself go. I´m saying this as a fat person who has let herself go, so don´t flame me. And the same rules hold true for him as well, don´t forget.

As to the braai comment - recently my husband and I both joined a gym. As extra incentive for me we hacked out a deal that, from our very limited budget at the moment, I would get a pressie of new and sexier gym clothes for every milestone I reached. This wasn´t him telling me what I should look like, this was me saying I WANT to look like that, please help me get there. Maybe your friend had a similar deal?

[jc]

Yes, the men like the makeup and perfume and nice clothes etc...but they really need to stop complaining about how much all this upkeep costs! :-)

[Moxie]

Here's my question about that: What gives? I don't mean that idiomatically, I mean what's got to give in the family's life for a mom to lose her pregnancy weight (harder with each subsequent pregnancy, to my utter shock and dismay)? For many of us, our lives are so stressful that the only way we can keep our heads above water and manage our emotions is to medicate with food. "If I can make it to preschool drop-off I'll have a latte and a scone." "Once the kids are in bed I can have some ice cream." Take away the reward/comfort/fuel of food and many of our houses of cards would fall apart.

And when is a mom going to exercise? With one kid you can go for walks and go running with a jogging stroller. WIth two or more it becomes significantly more complicated. What mother of a baby would choose exercise over sleep. (Lack of sleep slows down your metabolism, BTW.) What mother of older kids would choose exercise over doing a load of laundry and cleaning the bathroom?

The only time I'm successful at losing weight or exercising is when my husband's on board with it and picks up the slack in our family when I'm running or not eating to control my moods. I would wonder about husbands who want thin wives but aren't willing to do their share of the work it's going to require for their wives to lose weight. If a man isn't willing to be on solo parenting duty while his wife's at the gym or a WW meeting, if he's not willing to give up his food treats while his wife's eating sprouted grain bread and endless salads, if he's not willing to take night duty with a baby so his wife can get enough sleep to function, then he has absolutely no right to even expect (whether he says anything or not) that his wife will be anywhere close to her former weight.

It took two people to make the baby that created the weight. It takes two people to take the weight off.

[Kate]

Amen Moxie.

The idea that gaining weight- of any amount- can be construed as "false advertising" is the most disturbing thing I've heard in a long time. There is no depth to that woman's shallowness.

[Lisa]

When I had my breast reduction, I got several comments (from women, not from men, surprisingly) along the lines of how the couldn't believe my husband "let me" do it.

Well, first off, my husband doesn't "let me" do anything. I am not his employee. Would he have PREFERRED my extremely large breasts? (And they were extreme, y'all: 32J. Damn.) I'm sure he would've. But he also recognized that I am MORE than bodacious ta-tas, and that curing the physical and mental problems caused by said ta-tas was a greater priority.

In the end, it's our bodies. Do I want to look good for my husband? Sure. I try to look sexy for him, and nice in public so that people don't run away screaming. And I expect him to do the same.

[JennG]

Wow, what a sensitive and touchy subject. I'm surprised that women are fearlessly trying to tackle it.

In my own honest opinion, I think women should want to lose weight for their own health and well-being. But I can also agree with MIM, personally, I want to feel attractive for my husband. I want to know that he'll seek me out from across the room and flash me that knowing smile. I don't know if its a matter of false advertising, but yes, I think women should still take pride in themselves.

[Jessica]

Me: do you think women gaining weight or cutting their hair after marriage is false advertising?

Husband: Not consciously. It's nature's false advertising.

Me: What would you do if I gained 50 pounds?

H: I'd send you to a fat farm.

Me: What would you do if I cut my hair like a marine?

H: I'd salute.

[jenny]

All very good posts, yours included.

My mom probably gained about 100lbs in the first 10 years of marriage and proceeded to totally let herself go (wieght, hair, hygiene, everything). My dad hated it and was always bugging her about. Now that they are divorced (she left him for another man) I realize that his concern really was for her health more so then her wieght.

My mom is 55yrs old and her health is so bad that I assume I will have to care for her for the rest of her life sometime in the near future. It really isn't fair to your family to not take care of yourself.

I am married to a man 10 years old than me and to be honest, I feel like he owes it to me to take care of himself. Not to be skinny and have a six-pack ab's but to be healthy and not leave me as a young widow. My husbands thinks that because he is skinny he can eat/drink whatever he wants and this bothers me. On the other hand, I have my mothers gene's and I will struggle with my weight my entire life. It is very hard for me to maintain a healthy weight but I do it. Why? I care about my health. It's the same reason I quit smoking 3yrs ago. I'd love a smoke as much as I'd love a piece of cake.

If it's about health instead of weight, I agree 100% that we owe it to our families to maintain our health. Do we owe it to our husbands to stay skinny? No, I don't really think so. I will admit, I am glad I was 20lbs heavier when we met, that gives me some room to grow.

[beth]

that second woman you linked to is in a sick, sick relationship. she hasn't become morbidly obese...she's gone from a size 4/6 to a size 8. GASP! and her husband is ASHAMED of her--she includes in her post that he won't bring friends home and didn't bring her to the company christmas party. that makes me sick.

now if you take me and my fiancee, for example, that's a different story. i won't go into the gory details but i'm now 60+ pounds heavier than when we met, and i've always been a big girl. fiancee is prob. 40 or so lbs bigger than when we met. our sex life, love life, home life, etc. has not suffered a whit because of it. we have been with each other through everything--we support each other in everything--we, i don't know, LOVE each other?

you don't marry a woman because she looks good, at least not in my universe. you don't get angry because she depreciates, as if a woman was nothing more than a car. ESPECIALLY if it's because she's borne and cared for YOUR CHILDREN.

to me, that's not real love. period. end of story. i'm appalled that women would not only accept this crap but blame THEMSELVES for their husbands' "unhappiness".

[susan (formerly of post-coital babble)]

Until I hit puberty, I was so skinny it was difficult to find clothing to fit me - because I was also 3 or 4 inches taller than everyone else my age.

I balooned up to 187 pounds by the time I was 18. By 21 I had been told I could model if I lost the weight often enough that I actually believe it and tried to lose weight by exercising and learning to eat right. Nothing worked. Until the other models I lived with taught me about bulimia. And cocaine. Within 6 months I was down to 113 lbs.

Over the next few years my weight rose naturally to about 130 and stayed there no matter what I ate until I hit 35 years old. I never had to exercise.

Then I went up to 150 lbs and couldn't get below that no matter what I did (seeing how cocaine and bulimia were no longer an option). I've had my thyroid checked and every other freakin thing that might be causing problems. My blood pressure is 110/75. Low cholesterol etc. so I'm healthy. BUT I'M STILL FUCKKING FAT.

I've tried jenny craig, weight watchers, south beach, and atkins. I've hired personal trainers and joined gyms and bought every single informercial tape there is on weight loss and exercise. I listen to motivational tapes in the car and read all the books that go with the diets. I lose 3 lbs over a few months and gain 5 back in one weekend if I eat pizza or salsa with chips. I lose 8 and gain 12. I don't eat an entire pizza either. Just 2 slices with pepperoni and mushrooms.

The net result is that I now weigh 180 lbs. I exercise every single day with a tape called Slim in 6 (also known as Beach Body) - a grueling hour of cardio and resistance bands. In January I started having Nutra Systems delivered to my home. This is a 1200 calorie per day regimen. In 10 weeks, I lost a total of 2.5 lbs. I get on the treadmill *every night* for 30 minutes minimum at a serious pace.

I went on a business trip for 3 days last week and gained back all the 2.5 I had lost. And then some. What was I eating? An omelette for breakfast, no toast no potatoes and salad for lunch, fish or chicken and veggies for dinner. No snacks in between, but no time to exercise either. I gained 6 pounds. SIX FUCKING POUNDS.

When I got back, I started drinking EAS (body for life.com) protein shakes 3 times per day and eating a salad with little more than greens, veggies and grilled chicken or fish on it for lunch. I ate 2 ounces of meat or cheese for a snack so that I was always eating 3 to 3.5 hours apart. I cut out all alcohol (though I've rarely ever had more than 1 or 2 glasses of wine once or twice a month - a little more during the holidays).

I ordered a popular diet pill to boost my metabolism. 4 days ago, I took 2 of those pills as directed for the first time, went to the tanning salon (because tan fat is more attractive than white fat, natch) then I went to the bank.

I passed out on the floor of the bank. I woke up with a crowd of people around me and my bank card and the check I was trying to deposit scattered across the entry way to the ATM.

Why? Why do I have to go through this? So I can be thin like women who work far less than I do to be thin? To keep a man happy? To fit into society's judgement of what a woman SHOULD look like?

When do I stop owing all of them and start owing myself some goddamn peace? When can I get to the point that what matters the most is WHO I AM and not what the fuck I look like? I have a degree from Yale and make over $150k a year. I live in a gorgeous house, have wonderful friends and family. I LOVE my job. I am generous and loyal and truly a great friend to those I love. I am a DIVINE GIRLFRIEND to the love of my life. But I AM FUCKING FAT. And NOTHING I seem to do can change that.

To read MIM's post just hammers it home. In today's society, none of that matters. All that counts is that I get myself thin.

How is that acceptable? How is it that women like MIM, who can lose or maintain weight with apparently very little effort get to sit in judgement on those of us who simply cannot?

Thank you MIM, for the heart murmer I just found out I now have from my years of dieting. Thanks for putting yet more pressure on women to not be just fabulous people, but perfect looking too.

I sincerely hope that when MIM hits 40 she finds out what it's like to have to really struggle to keep that weight off. And I HOPE SHE FAILS MISERABLY.

Yes, I'm that small, that petty.

And that pissed.

[victoria]

This post brings up a lot of feelings for me. I've gained a significant amount of weight since I got married because I developed painful arthritis in my hips and my mobility is severely impaired as a result. I can hardly walk, some days. (I'm only 40!)

My husband is less attracted to me. He was never much for sex at the best of times, but now we basically don't have sex any more. Ever.

Did I let myself go? Maybe. If I were you (with your self-disipline, energy, and high standards) I probably would have reduced my caloric intake to practically nothing and taken up some activity that put no pressure on my hips. (Cycling? Swimming? Gah. Cycling hurts my ass. Hate swimming -- the struggle to breathe, fending off other swimmers, the pain in my shoulder joints.)

The only exercises I've ever loved are running and aerobics classes, and now I can't do either. And I have to really love exercise to do it consistently, and it's only very consistent exercise that really controls my weight.

So, I don't know. Did I let my husband down? Did I let myself down? Maybe. I loved being slim and fit. I used to run as many as 16 or 18 miles in a given day (obviously not every day). It made me feel great, actually controlled my appetite, put my life in perspective . . . .

Now I don't have that any more and yes, my life (and my marriage) are much worse for that loss.

Do I owe it to myself to be healthy? Well, obviously, we would all like to be fit and healthy and slim and attractive. But if you're mobility impaired, those things can seem unattainable.

[beth]

susan, i don't know you, but i wish i could hug you.

i love how fat is a "self respect" issue to so many in this discussion. what about a woman who has MORE respect for herself than to torture herself with diets any longer?

[L.]

Wow -- I was wondering why I was getting so many hits today. The G&D Tertia referred to my post!

To the commenter above who said I`m in a "sick, sick relationship," I just wanna say, the weight issue is a relatively minor one in an otherwise loving, affectionate marriage. I was concerned after I wrote the post that all my friends would start worrying about me, and now I`m even more concerned. I think I will do a follow-up post, rather than fill up Tertia`s comments.

(And to the commenter who called the "but I'm healthy" line a "copout" -- that should be up to an individual`s doctor.)

[Kirsty]

Actually I quite like being fat. I like my curves, my belly, my tits, my big ass and so do my partners. I know that my male partner would love me however I looked - in fact, he actively prefers fat women to skinny women.

I wouldn't want be with someone who wanted to control the way I looked, I think it's creepy, shallow and weird.

Would I like to be a bit thinner - yes, but only a little bit. I'd like to go down from my current size 18/20 (UK sizes) to a 14/16. That would still make me overweight by most people's definition but in retrospect it was my favourite weight. I could get more clothes and I could

Is it likely to happen - no, because I currently have seriously reduced mobility due to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. And before you say it, I was ill before I got overweight - I got fat because I couldn't exercise as much as I need to and because CFS messes up your weight. Yes, it's not all the illness, I also overeat sometimes. Even so, I'd rather be fat and happy than thin, anorexic and miserable. I've been the later and it was much more destructive than being fat.

The health risks of being overweight is sometimes true but it's often bullshit. You can't always judge people just by their size. There's more than one sort of health, how about we talk about all the women out there making themselves mentally ill trying to stay unreasonably thin. Dieting is really bloody bad for you. Yo-yo dieting damages your health and often results in more long term weight gain.

My girlfriend is about the same size as me. She is very fit - she swims and goes to the gym regularly, can easily walk five to ten miles and could probably dance you off the dance floor but she is never going to be thin because she has thyroid disease. Even if she starves herself and spends several hours a day exercising, the thinnest she gets is a size 16.

You're all saying that you make exceptions for weight gain through illness but that's not our experience. After all, how do you tell which other women are fat for a 'good' reason instead of a 'bad' reason? Our experience is that even though we have health reasons for our weight we're still judged viciously by skinny bints who probably smoke, drink, stay out all night dancing and eat all sorts of processed shit.

Oh, and everyone in our house - except my skinny 13 year old - has a very healthy diet. We eat healthy homemade food, often organic or wholefood. We rarely eat fried food or stuff that's high in fat. We don't eat junk food, drink alcohol, smoke or drink caffeinated or carbonated beverages. We should be staggeringly healthy. We all exercise as much as we're able, yet we're all still fat... go figure.

[Kay]

Well, I'm fat. I'm also 35 pounds less fat than when I met my husband.

I have a mother who once told me that "if you'd just drop a few pounds, then XXX would really have something special." That was close to 20 years ago. I have not forgotten it. My mother who can eat her plate, plus everyone else's and still be a size 6.

Fat or lack of it is not what attracts quality men. Self-confidence does. The day I realized that I was MORE than a number on a scale, was the day I found my freedom and myself. And the beginning of "catching" my husband. Who, incidentally, dropped a thin girl to date me - the fatty. She was shocked and dismayed. He said there was just something "more" about me.

I don't have time to go into all the issues of my weight. I know that I was a size 6 - and when I was - I weighed 145 lbs. (the very upper end of my weight range) - I was in KILLER shape - but heavy. I'm not a 6 anymore, and think I would be happy being a size 10. Whatever weight that is when I get there - so be it. I have lots of self respect. More than enough for me to know that I'm STILL MORE than a number on the scale. Even though it's getting smaller (I've lost 42+ pounds since my 2nd pregnancy).

Completely DO NOT think that I "owe" anything to my husband. He loved me before. He loves me now. Sure, I want him to like how I look - but to him it's more important that I like WHO I AM.

As for weight gains - agree with the poster who wants to know what has to "give" for the mom to get skinny. I can't find an hour in the day to work out every single day. Unless I skip seeing my kids for day. Or maybe take a day off of work. The only way I can get to my WW meetings is because they are AT WORK and I don't have to take time from anything else. I have other jobs than working out. And I do them well.

[Sarah]

ugh. Just reading this makes me want to vomit after every meal. Why is weight so important?

Don't get me wrong, I am constantly dieting, I just wish our society didn't place such an importance on being thin.

[mama-beans]

My father and mother divorced when I was 4. As I became an adult, the absent dad became one of my closest friends. SO.. when he married a woman 25 years his junior ( 5 years older then me) I was mildly concerned. She was pregnant when they met, and weighed around 140# at 5'2. Fast forward 10 years later, and they have just divorced. Why? She is still 5'2... but she now weighs 325#. The kicker???... SHE left HIM. He is very health concious, but he isn't mean. If he made weight comments ( which he did) they were always lovingly teasing. His was honest concern, but he tried to make it as easy to swallow as possible. At one point, he promised to buy her a Jaguar when she lost 100#. He paid for every type of program out there.. Jenny Craig, hypnosis, Curves, you name it, he paid for it. She just didn't care. Went to 3 of the 20 hypnosis sessions. Curves lasted less then a month. She JUST DIDN'T CARE. She stopped being affectionate towards him.. No hugs, no kisses, nothing. Hardly even a nice word. She made fun of him in bed. He wasn't able to perform for her ( well, he'd have to be a giant in the Johnson department just to reach the desired area) and on her birthday she asked, sincerely, that he hire her a black male prostetute to satisfy her as he wasn't able. She got ugly... not physically, but mentally. He still loves her, always will, but not as one loves a wife. It was the best thing in his world when she finally decided she was done being married to an "old man" and left him, with "his" daughter. He bought her a house, pays her large monthly support, and has gone on with his life.
In the end, if she had taken one small smidgen of pride in herself, in her appearance, I truely believe they would still be happily married. He was willing to bend over backwards for her and whatever she wanted... he was ALWAYS a good provider. But as her weight increased, her attitude decreased. There was nothing he could do about it. If she had been HAPPY at her largest weight, had she been the same affectionate woman he married, then the extra 200# wouldn't have been as big an issue. I guess what I'm saying is it is all about attitude, and I do, to an extent, think you owe some sort of self-respect to your partner.

[Lisa]

I am one of the fortunate few who has an awesome husband who has never ever mentioned my weight without my bringing it up first.

I am fat. Fatter than you fat. Fattest person in the room fat. The fatty that you are relieved is at the party because then you don't look so fat. Probably as fat as two of the skinny girls I work with. I am unhealthy fat.

I wasn't a skinny minnie when I got married, probably weighed 180 at 5'6". I immediately got pregnant and gained about 25 pounds. Then I was hit with post partum thyroiditis and gained about 40 pounds. It's never come off. Granted, I eat too much and exercise too little. The thyroid is under control, so I CAN lose weight, I just am not working at it.

I don't look at my weight gain as deceiving my husband. I am who I am. No trickery involved. He wasn't a chubby chaser when we started dating, his other girlfriends had been regular sized- not terribly thin, but not fat either. He loved/loves me despite my size, because of the great person I am. Our sex life is great.

I need to lose weight. I know that. I don't need my husband or anyone else to tell me that. I have to do it based on my own personal motivation. No one is going to motivate me to do it- motivation doesn't work that way, at least for me.

That all being said, I'd be horribly hurt and sad and whatever else if my husband told me that he loved me less or was less attracted to me because of my weight gain. (Perhaps he does feel these things, but he wouldn't tell me because he knows it would hurt me beyond words.) It would probably affect our relationship terribly and I would just have less trust in him.

My husband has gained weight (he's probably 175 at 5'7") and is working to get back down to 150. He goes to the gym every morning from 5-6 am. I have never said anything to him about it unasked, nor would I. If he brings it up, I talk to him about portion control and exercise. No one knows about portion control like a lifelong Weight Watcher, no matter her size.

I know that I will lose weight, but I need to do it for myself and my health and for the life I want to spend with my husband and child.

I feel sorry for the women whose husbands tell them that they are fat or will give them things if they only lose weight. I'd rather be fat with unconditional love and support than thin with a critical mate.

[Lisame]

I just wanna thank you for a very insightful reading. I have had these very things on my mind. Thanks for the brain food.

[Bluestocking]

I'm sorry, I find the term "false advertising " really offensive in this context. People change over time, their bodies, their hearts and minds, adults (and hopefully it is adults who marry other adults) know this.

I guess I'm married to an angel, because he never comments on my body or my hair except with love. And that ain't because I'm thin, far from it.

Personally I'm rather fed up with our vanity as women. It is just so all-consuming for us, our looks, and really so unimportant in the end. Being attractive is a job like any other and, as Moxie said, other stuff has to give. It costs time and money, two things most mothers have precious little of. I'm not saying we shouldn't think about ourselves and give ourselves treats. But I think too many women are vain to the point of selfishness, and they are that way partially because of the enormous pressure to look a certain way.