Is the worst case scenario always the best response?

This is a post that has been swirling around in my head for a while, and a recent incident brought it to the fore.

 

A friend of mine blogged about something pretty serious, something personal. She wasn’t really asking for advice but as is the nature of blogging, there were varying responses, some supportive, some expressing a differing opinion (which is fine) and some giving a bit of advice / assvice. And then there was someone who posted a true story about what happens when the worst case scenario happens. The scenario that was my friend’s biggest fear; what happens if the unthinkable 1% happens. And of course it was that story, that warning or piece of advice that stuck with my friend. 

 

The same thing happened to me a while back. Someone responded to a completely innocuous post of mine with a warning backed up by a true story that happened to a friend of friend to support the warning she was giving me. It was a terrible, tragic story. I hadn’t asked for advice or for opinion, although both responses are always implicitly welcomed. And while I know the commenter had my best interests at heart, and only posted what she did out of concern, I wish with all my heart she hadn’t done so. Because the story haunts me. Every single day. It has made me completely paranoid about something that is absolutely fine 99% of the time. I am not angry or upset with her, because I know she was coming from a place of concern. I just I had never read it; I wish I didn’t have that story burnt into mind. 

 

And yet…What would I prefer? That I only hear the good news stuff? No, I am keen on the whole version of the truth, good bad and ugly. And I like that people are concerned enough to want to warn me. Of course, if I ask for your opinion or experience or advice, I must be prepared to hear all forms of response; absolutely agree with that. But what if I just post a newsy, chatty, sharing kind of post and you happen to know of some terrible story that happened in a similar situation, a freak story, a worse case story? Do you share it, or do you keep it to yourself?

 

In my situation, and my friend’s situation, the worst case scenario didn’t add the value I am sure was intended. The warning I had been given was one that I knew of anyway. I didn’t need the tragic story to change my behaviour. In my friend’s case, she knew of the dangers of her situation, she didn’t need a true life story to reinforce her existing fears. Neither of us is angry with the poster, because they meant well, but both of us wish we had never read what we read.

 

I am very conflicted on this. It is a fine line; the line between information that is necessary and beneficial to know, and information that when shared harms more than it helps. On which side do you err?

 

It’s hard. What do you think? How much do you want to know? Is the worst case scenario always the best response?

 

Note: This does not mean I don’t want to post whatever you want to post. Don’t let this influence what you say. I love your openness and honesty; I love your concern. I am prepared to risk one bad story out of the hundreds of good ones. This is meant to be a philosophical debate rather than censure in any form.

Comments

[ktjrdn]

I keep it to myself most of the time. I just figure people have enough worries of my own without sharing horror stories.

(am I first? OMG)

[Mia]

Ew, I don't like being the first commenter.

When I voice to someone about my fears (a great example is during my 2nd pregnancy, after miscarrying twins), I was afraid I'd lose this one, too (I was still in my first trimester). I told a colleague about my fears and she, in turn, told me about a couple she knew who lost their baby 5 days before the due date. And you know what? It made me mad. What was her point? To confirm my fear? Make me paranoid? Turn my fear into sympathy?

Whatever her objective was, I think people have different reasons for giving their 1% story. Whether they feel that's their opportunity to tell their story or they're jealous of your situation and want to make you feel worse or what - they certainly aren't hearing that you need those other 99% of good outcomes....which is why I usually tell my fear(s) in the first place: to be told everything's going to be okay. No one wants to hear that it isn't.

[dailydancer]

I want to know worst case scenarios but only from "reliable" sources, like trained professionals. When I had reconstructive knee surgery, I sure as heck wanted to know EVERYthing that might have gone wrong before hand. BUT only from the orthopod. I did not want to hear from a random coworker what disaster happened when his neighbor's cousin who had the same surgery 3 states away.

See what I mean? I am sure when you were pregnant women told you labor horror stories more times than you cared to hear. Ugh! Who needs that? If I am going to worry I want the source to some one who can also give me a reliable read on how likely that terrible thing is.

I realize that people who share these stories are usually NOT trying to be mean, they just want to part of the club or show empathy or display their bonafides,etc. But I really don't care about all that when it comes to what happens to/inside my body.

And since I happen to like the Golden Rule, I figuure if *I* would not want to hear that kind of story, I don't tell any of my own.

[Mia]

2nd commenter, I mean. :O)

[Katherine]

Having a doctor tell you that there is a ___% chance of dire consequence and hearing the real life story of a family dealing with that consequence are two totally different things as far as I'm concerned. I think the former is required for me. I can know clinically of a risk, but the reality of it is pushed aside because the chances are so slim - but to hear it applied in real life makes me look at my family and my life and really consider the possibility.

So, yes, I want to hear the worst case scenario played out - not just outlined to me.

[Heather]

I'm someone who likes to have all of the information. I want to know what could happen, and not just the doctor's statistics... do I know anyone who had it happen to them.

But that is just me. I have a friend who would rather not know. She just wants to deal with things as they happen and not worry about them.

So... I guess I could see it both ways. (Way to have an opinion... I know... I'm not much help)

[Katherine]

Wanted to add - Only need the info. if I'm still struggling with the decision. If I've already taken the risk - as in the cases cited above - keep your horror stories to yourself.

[Marian]

There are worst case scenarios involved in every aspect of life -- crossing the street, eating a piece of food, drinking a beer. I think that often when people feel compelled to tell those kinds of stories it's because they are living with a certain level of anxiety and are rattled by others who don't share that anxiety. If you don't share someone's thought system, your attitude is seen as an attack on them, and as well-meaning as it may seem, I feel it's often an act of aggression to harsh someone's mellow with that type of 'well-meant warning.'

It's all in how it's done. If it's done with love it will feel loving. If it doesn't feel loving, well, then...

[Karen]

I agree with the previous posters. I want medical professionals to give it to me straight...worst case scenario and all. When it comes to everything else, I try very hard not to say: "Oh, I had a friend/brother/cousin's best friends' mother" who had THAT (1%) happen to her/him". You already know there is a worst case scenario out there, you know there are people it's happened to, but what point does it make to bring it to life for someone?

That said, I think people tell these kinds of stories in an effort to "bond", to say "see, I kind of know what you are going through and it's tough". It's our way of connecting ourselves to others. In most cases, I think the story teller has the best intentions but it can sting. I have told a story a time or two but immediately recognized my faux pas. Somehow, "oh, but as you know the chances of that happening to YOU are so slim", doesn't take away from the fact that I probably just scared some one to death.

The short of it...every situation is different. I try not to comment with negative ending stories...only ones that end on a happy note.

[Bridehood]

There's a worst case scenario for everything. You could go on a six hour car trip and try to pack all of the snacks and music you may need. You ask for advice on what to bring and a someone tells you that a friend of a friend of your aunt's cousin's daughter went on a six hour car trip and then she died. Their worst case scenario has nothing to do with you. Not. A. Damn. Thing. But it sticks with you, because that's the nature of the beast. People like to add something so they can relate to your story (See, I'm commenting, so I'm adding. I'm special.) But you have to make the determination if it does relate. You need to take your circumstances into account. Someone could tell you not to walk outside today because the weather is horrific, but they might be on the other side of the continent, so it doesn't apply to you. It's really hard to make that separation when the topic is emotionally charged, but you have to do it -- for your own sanity.

[Em]

I don't really know how I feel about GETTING every worst case scenario. I feel like I'm a worrier so if I haven't already thought to worry about it, than giving me one more thing makes me wonder what else I've forgotten to worry about and kind of has an exponential effect.

I do sometimes struggle with GIVING that kind of info (sort of). I struggle when I think to myself "but what if I don't tell them and it happens and they could have prevented it". For example (and I hope this doesn't highlight exactly the thing you wanted to avoid), we had a neighbor who went on vacation to a remote place close to her due date. She happened to go into labor early, had complications and the worst happened. The next year, another friend of mine considered, at the same time in her pg, to go to the same place on vacation. I did just give the opinion that I thought she shouldn't go. I told her after she delivered her healthy baby why I didn't think she should go but at the time I wondered if I should give her the reason for my opinion. I really wanted her to stay close to a hospital.

That said, I do work in healthcare and don't offer up every freak thing that happens as a warning because so many things happen that people can't forsee or prevent and what is the point of worrying someone with information they can do nothing to keep from happening if it is going to?

[Suzie-Q.]

I know what you mean, but, i don't get upset when hearing those one in a million stories. They are actually interesting to me! And, in fact, i tell them!!!
I just shake it off when i hear them. Life is made up everything. The good, the bad and the ugly and i would rather be realistic than live in a bubble and ignore some hard truths. But, that's just me.

[Sarah]

This is what my friend Barbara calls taking a dump in someone's brain.

[Billie]

It's a vey interesting question... I guess I do want to hear worst case scenarios. Before getting pregnant and having multiple miscarriages, then having preemie twins born at 24 weeks, then having one of the babies diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and profound hearing loss, I always lived in a world where nothing bad happened. When bad things did happen, maybe I imagined they would never happen to me. I was completely unprepared for my reality. Even now, stories about babies with CP who grow up and lead normal lives, and walk, and talk, can kind of depress me. I guess my experiences have turned me into a pessimist. Bad things do happen. And they can happen to me. I'd rather hear about kids with severe CP, who maybe even have it worse than us, and how their parents deal with life. These are the stories that give me hope that I can deal the hand I have been dealt. For me, worse case scenarios help me to prepare for what could happen, and in a small way, maybe they also help me feel a little better that things could really be worse...

[Billie]

Okay, I am still thinking about the question. I went to my first "twins club" meeting this week with a really good friend of mine, who also has twins. There was a woman there who was 24 weeks pregnant with twins. She was asking my friend and me about our experiences in our pregnancies and giving birth. My friend was induced at 38 weeks and her babies were both over 6 pounds when they were born. They were very healhty and able to leave the hospital with their mother. She told her story first.

I was very hesitant to tell my story because I didn't want to scare the poor girl. Of course I wouldn't want her to go home and start having nightmares that she might go into labor any minute, and what could happen. So I guess that even though I want to hear worse case scenarios, I am sensitive about who I tell my story to. I actually did end up telling her about my beautiful babies, but I didn't give all the tough details.

I do know that my story isn't really WORST case scenario. We spent 110 days in the NICU. I know it could be much worse. I've SEEN worse.

[Carrie Jo]

Geez it would be so hard to have any one dominant feeling about this. In the end, though I probably would rather not have heard the horrible personal tragedy story at such a time. My husband is HIV+ and I really don't like hearing about the horrible way people have suffered while dying from AIDS. He doesn't have AIDS, and he might not ever, but I know the possibility is there and hearing about worse-case scenarios is not only not helpful, but it's extremely painful, for no real good reason. It will still hurt just as much if does happen.

[Brandy]

I have not read what everyone else has said, so this might be close to the same. I think that people need to tell their stories, maybe it is a way of helping themselves (which to me is a good thing). I went through something that is one of those less than 1% chances and my turned out great in the end. It might scare someone to read it at first, but great outcome. So, maybe you could look at it as I really did not want to hear it, but maybe it helped that person by telling their story. I might be totally wrong. I want to hear everything, that is just me.
Have a great day!!!

[Rosemary Grace]

I think there's a world of difference between hearing the worst case scenario from a professional advisor (like a doctor), and being told a "worst case" anecdote.

For example: when I got followed and harrassed on an empty (daylight) street, and later told my mother, her immediate response was to say "what if he'd had a van, and got you into it?". I was already scared, and she immediately pointed out that I could easily have been abducted and raped! Not helpful.

Taking a Miss Manners approach to the idea of sharing horror stories, I think it is generally a better idea to keep anectodal horrors to yourself, perhaps say that you know of someone who experienced the worst case, and offer to expand on the story if requested.

I'd imagine most people want to hear the risk factors and % probabilities of things going wrong, but not everybody wants to hear a graphic scary story that may haunt us.

[Penny]

Nope. Keep the worst-case scenarios to yourself, please. Unless I specifically ask. I chose not to do most of the prenatal screenings offered through my pregnancies, and held fast against the doctor advising amnio when told my baby had a marker for downs, since that marker plus my age (35 then) and absence of AFP screening results (one of the tests I declined) left a big question mark in her eyes. I know this is a completely naive and ignorant way to go about life, and women who faced my odds and came out on the other side of them might disagree, but the amnio wouldn't have affected my decisions on the pregnancy, so what's the point?
But I do understand the perspective of- what you don't know CAN hurt you, and the desire to share worst-case scenarios thinking it's in someone's best interest.
But I think I know of the situation your blog addresses: that story haunts me too. Tragic.

[Sarah]

The day I found out I was pregnant with twins my best friend said to me "Well, don't get too excited. My friend was pregnant with twins and one absorbed the other one".

This was less six months after I had a miscarriage.

I don't know why people say things like that. Sometimes I think it is a knee jerk reaction. Either way I spent my pregnancy talking to my uterus saying things like "Hey you, down there. Don't absorb your sister".

[JennG]

As far as I'm concerned, I don't think the horror stories help in any way. If I were in that situation, I would be listening to and getting facts and stats from the professionals, the doctors. Only when I'm armed with the information could my husband and I sit down and make the final decision. It is such a PERSONAL decision, one that has been weighed with all of the pros and cons. I don't think offering worst-case scenario stories helps anyone...

[Amy]

I think I know the situation you are talking about in your post. I read the post that I think you are talking about and I was curious to see what comments posted afterwards, mostly because I didnt know what I would do in your friends shoes. When I got to the comment you mentioned my gut reaction was 'why would she post that'. I think that degree of information is best shared among clinicians or close family. Clearly I feel for the woman who wrote the post. Her pain was palpable and I suspect this was too recent for her to have any clarity about what putting that info out in the world might mean to someone else so I think you have to keep that in mind with this specific instance. Generally speaking, I try to share horror stories only with close friends or people who ask for such info.

[lt]

It feels to me like there is a slight difference between sharing personal stories when someone is making a decision (like I think was the case here, or at least that was my perception) and in sharing worst case scenario stories when the other person is already in the midst of the situation (like in the above comment where a woman held back on telling her traumatic birth story to a pregnant woman--good for you!) But maybe I'm wrong. I can see that either would be distressing.

[Amy]

I think there is a big difference between being all doom and gloom and telling your friends horror stories that happened to a friend of a friend or whatever just to spread horror around and create drama and sharing your own truth, as in, this horrible thing happened to me and this is MY story, my truth. I am not saying it is always appropriate to do that but in a blog type situation where someone is asking for comments (that is implied by leaving comments open I think) on a topic that directly relate to that story I think it is unavoidable. Especially when other people are sharing positive, success story type comments. think I know the entry and comment you talking about and if I'm right I can't imagine how that woman couldn't have posted her story. How could she read that entry and not NEED to share her truth as it relates. I can understand not wanting to read it but it is part of the big picture. She was saying, you are talking about the worst-case scenario as this theoretical thing and I am LIVING the worst-case scenario and it is worse than you can even begin to imagine. Not I lived this years ago, but I am living this right now. I can't imagine not wanting other people to hear your truth, to acknowledge your pain. That is kind of a universal need I think. You get that need met partly through blogging so if someone doesn't have a blog I can see the desire to get that need met through telling a story, even a heartbreaking worst case scenario one, in comments.

I have no tolerance for those people who just spread horror stories for the sake of doing so though. Friend of a friend of a friend horror stories should not be shared with people in a delicate place just for shock value. Don't tell the pregnant woman in her eighth month about your friend whose baby died or your cousin’s cousin who hemorrhaged during labor. Don't tell your friend who's kid has a fever that that was the first sign that your friend's sister's cousin's kid had cancer, oh and by the way the kid died, you know. That is just cruel. I mean we all know these things happen but when you are in a place where you can't turn back anyway do you really need to dwell on them and hear the gory details. If this blogger had already made her decision or was already pregnant I would say it would be better for this commenter to step back and not share at that particular moment. But in relation to that particular post I think it was relevant and not inappropriate at all.

[KelKel]

I too think I understand the specific post you are talking about.

I had two strong reactions when I read it: 1) That this commentor was in deep and intense pain and wanted only to spare the blogger of a decision that might lead to this same conclusion and 2) That the nature of the IF/TTC blogs are kind of a "group think" thing, we all root for the prospective mom/blogger because we want it all to work out (just like ours did or we hope ours will), which has nothing to do with the reality of any given specific medical situation.

I went through my rollercoasters (got PG? still PG! heartbeat? m/c. got PG? heartbeat! m/c...infinity) as a reader who found a community that I didn't have any place else. No one at work knew I was trying, after the first loss my family didn't know... so these blogs became my support system. The place where I knew folks understood the mix of worry, hope, despair, dissapointment, elation, and how it all changes every few hours when you're in the midst of it. But it wasn't my story out there.

I think the bloggers have it tougher because you folks have created this community and we, the audience, all just hope for the best for all of you, and we cheer you on to make decisions out of that kinship and wanting good things to happen for you, but that may not be the best thing.

Its a decision. A very hard decision. One that only a woman, her family and medical support should make. And getting feedback that is the projected good wishes of a faithful audience must feel wonderful, but it shouldn't be taken anymore or less seriously than the 1% story.

You, Miss T, have lived both sides of this and yet you kept trying. Do you think you would have stopped after Ben if you'd gotten a 1% story? I hope not. I hope you had all the expeience, support and medical knowledge to make the decision that was right for you (at the time you had to make it).

Kel

[MamaChristy]

I don't want to hear these awful stories; I'm quite capable of coming up with the worst-case on my own, thank you very much. I think Billie has it right. If you want to hear these stories, ask to hear them. If you feel the urge to tell a story, be sure that your audience really wants to hear it. I say censor yourself to give as much information as someone ELSE needs and not what YOU need to say.

[Megan]

When I was 16wks pregnant with my twins, the doctor doing the ultrasound noticed that Baby A's heart was beating irregularly. As a high-risk doctor, she went on to tell me all of the things this could cause--heart failure, cardiac arrest, needing drugs in utero that may kill Baby B, etc. I sobbed for days until my OB called me to see what that dr. had said. He knew that she had a tendency to tell the "worst case scenario". He put my mind at ease that this was common early on and usually babies outgrew this. Sure enough, at my 20wk u/s Baby A's heart was fine. Knowing the worst case scenario did nothing but cause me a TON of worry and tears. I'm still upset with that alarmist doctor. grrrrrr....

[patricia]

For me, information is power. I'd rather know, and then try to put it out of my mind.

The odd thing is that even though so many "bad" things have happened to me in the last few years, even a couple of things in that dreaded 1% category, I actually worry about bad stuff less. Because worrying has never done me any good. And even though I have had some bad luck, I know people who have had some bad things happen to them that are phenomenally rare. Like .001%. And I think, I just can't worry about it. Because whether it is .001% or something that happens to "most" people, there is just no predicting what will happen to me, good or bad.

[patricia]

P.S. That being said, I think intentionally regaling pregnant friends with horror stories is mean spirited and careless. I mean, someone who is newly pregnant with twins does NOT need to hear twin horror stories, especially since the doctors will probably do a good enough job on their own.

Information is one thing, Compassion is another. Not to to mention, what happens to one pregnant woman almost never happens to another in the exact same way.

[Jenn]

I tend not to share those stories unless some asks for experiences (good and bad). And I'm usually careful to add that it isn't the norm. I read the post and comment in question, and I think she thought she was doing the right thing in trying to spare someone else the heartbreak. But I don't know that it necessarily was the right thing to do.

[Alexa]

Hmmm. I worry so much that I find it hard to imagine someone telling me a worst-case scenario I hadn't already thought of. I think I prefer to have the terrifying possibilities come from doctors and the comforting tales come from friends. Of course, if I am still in the process of making a decision, I suppose I do want to hear every experience. But once I am there, I worry enough on my own, and am much more in need of reassurance.

[AussieAndrea]

I'm sure it would be easier to hear the horrible 1% chance of something happening if we were sure our emotions would respond 99% positively and only 1% negatively. If only our emotional (say anxiety/fear) response could be kept in proportion with the probability that something would actually happen - but unfortunately, I find it's an inverse relationship on a bad day. No solutions here sorry!

[Shannon]

I want to hear the worst case scenario and I don't mind hearing other people's horror stories. Perhaps because I've been the 1% before and we also have been on the other "not quite so bad as 1%...much better in fact", but I like to hear it from a doctor and also see what that 1% could actually mean to me and my family. I think I've been around the medical world and their jangle and really need to see what it would mean in the real life, not just in a text book. In reality, these two things are MUCH different.

[kLisa]

I am one of the honest ones I and I have a bad habit of sharing my experiances and advice. I say bad because I just learned it was a bad habit. People dont like to get advice when they are pouring thier soul out to you. They dont want to hear the truth. Most people do want things supgar coated and sometimes there are things that could just be left unsaid. I am one of the rare ones that wants all teh information people can give me. I want the cold hard truth but I have learned this is just me really and most people...all the ones I was tring to make friends with in a moms group did not like this aspect about me. So, I think I am one of the rare ones on this whole issue. I think for the most part people dont want to hear it but I think its good to know the good, bad, ugly and super scary.

[Shandra]

I'm fine with people sharing their own stories with me. If it's 'a friend of mine,' then I don't really want to hear it.

Because I find mostly people who have actually been through the worst are pretty balanced about it, and willing to share their thoughts about how they would manage the fear and risk and stuff. But people who are speaking on behalf of someone else generally see it in black and white (plus you can't ask them "what would you do differently" or whatever question helps to lower your own anxiety).

For my own 1%/tragic outcome I have waffled between talking about it and not talking about it. I certainly don't go up to pregnant women to talk to them about it, but I have occasionally - and perhaps wrongly - felt that the information I have is important and not really out there. If people have asked generally or asked me about L&D experiences I have shared what I did differently the next time and why. As time goes by I feel less and less of a need to go on about it, but I still occasionally do.

[Judy]

Part of me needs to know those worst case scenarios just so I can simply prepare myself for what might happen. But, in the case of my pregnancy with Tyler, I was given that "worst case" talk by the doc at 13 weeks. And, I spent the next 27 weeks not enjoying my pregnancy. I'm grateful to her for being upfront with me, but I guess I didn't take into consideration how it would affect me in the end.

Were I to do it all over again (and only with God's help will that happen), I think I'd take the advice again. While the dose of reality and what *could* happen can be quite depressing oftentimes, I've seen what happens when you DON'T know how bad it can be and then have to live with and through it.

[Sue]

I used to be a spewer of worst case scenario stories. Terrible habit. I think I did it because I simply needed to get it off my chest or maybe I felt I had a responsibility to tell it. I don't do that anymore.

Incidentally, I'm reading a book called "Conversations with God". I just finished reading the page that talks about how we can actually create our worst fear simply by thinking/worrying/obsessing over it. This is not a new thought. Other spiritual type books have expessed the same belief.

I'm not sure I actually believe it, but it gives food for thought. I think people should as much as possible focus on positive thought and head a responsibility to not create unnecessary fears.

[Miranda]

It depends, if it is a doctor (or other qualified person) I have no problem with hearing worst case scenarios, however just sharing their horror stories doesn't help any anxious person. As a result I try to give advice if necessary keeping personal experiences/stories to a minimum.

[Colleen]

Dear Tertia.My husband has mouth cancer and WE DO NOT want worst case scenarious thank you very much.Someone did tell me how his operation would be very painful and that radiotherapy would knock him right off his feet and how he would look and how much weight he would lose etc etc etc.I spent a lot of time worrying about this and none of it was like that for him .I hear people say "imagine the worst and the rest is a bonus"Ttrue maybe but I would not dream of giving someone a worst case scenario.

[Jill]

I describe myself as a 'cheerful pessimist'; which means that I usually, naturally, think of the worst that could happen. Knowing this, and not knowing the details of the story, I'd have to say that I'd like to know the worst case scenario and the best case scenario. I don't like being surprised if someting turn out completely different than I expected. I feel that the more information I have, the better.

Having said that, I would presume that there are some instances where not knowing just might be better, and one would have to use personal judgement on whether or not to tell the story.

[kathleen999]

I'm one of the "prepare for the worst, but hope for the best" type of people. I actually used to have a weird theory as a kid that the more I worried about something happening, the less likely it was going to happen. That manifested in adulthood as needing to know everything that could happen, then realizing that as long as I knew what to watch out for, then things would be fine. It's some kind of weird idea that if I am well informed, I will be able to avoid problems. Which you know is just not true, because you can never know everything.

That said, I think I go through more over knowing that I am the lucky one. When I was having miscarriages, before Nick and Zack were born, I felt a terrible grief and envy for women who so easily got pregnant and had beautiful babies. Now that I have beautiful babies of my own, I feel sick to my stomach when I read of someone else's horror story. The child who will never live, but died at a few days old. The risk of death to the mom. The babies who died at 22 weeks, etc. Now I ask myself, "Why me? Why am I suddenly so lucky?" Someone even stopped me on the street and said, "Such beautiful babies! And two! How did you get so lucky?" And I didn't know what to say....so much tragedy everywhere you look, on so many sites, and here I am with the happy ending. How did I get so lucky? I feel like I have survivor's guilt. I don't mind the horror stories...I mind that I can't fix their lives for them, give them a happy ending too. I want to be God when that happens and reach over and make everything okay for that person.

I do think people who are telling the worst case scenario truly are trying to help. They are saying, "Don't be foolish. Don't walk into my shoes knowingly. Be very careful. Be safe. If only I had known." Their grief and pain is overwhelming and they wish they could turn back time before they took the step that led to the painful place.

I'm counting my blessings again now. We are so lucky. You too, T, nowadays.

[ellen]

It depends...if the person is saying I'm going to do "X" and I know there is a 1% chance of "Y" happening, I think it is fine to share. I don't think most people will change their plans. Most people are pretty positive that they won't be in that 1% category. It happened to me once. And before it did, I thought "that won't happen to me". Human nature.

But if the person is talking more in general terms of what they thing about a certain topic I don't know that it's necessary to call in the Big Guns and tell your own Personal Tale of Horror. When someone asks me should I do "this"...I tell them my story. When people are just generally talking about the topic, I keep it shut.

[victoria]

It was me, wasn't it, with the story of the version? I'm sorry. I should have at LEAST (1) included a spoiler alert or (2) asked your permission before posting. My friend, the doctor whose patient's baby died, said she was really horrified to learn that the risk was as high as 1%, and I though tpeople should know there IS a risk, but I shouldn't have posted a horrifying anecdote without doing something to address the possible harm I would cause.

[Dani]

I am not uncomfortable hearing worst case scenarios. I feel informed, which puts me at ease. It gives me the opportunity to research what *may* happen because, Lord knows, I won't be in any position/condition to research and absorb the information when/if the worst strikes.

Do I give too much info to other people? Sometimes I think I might but I usually can tell when it's a person that can handle it and wants to hear it. I have friends that I need to sugar-coat everything for (I can sound like quite an optimist when the need arises) and I have friends that want and need the ugly truth. You have to know your audience when playing therapist.

I think this post is going to enlighten a lot of people about their own behaviors that they may not even be aware of. Another good one, T!

[motherlawyer]

I really think that there is a difference between telling some friend or acquaintance your worst case scenario in a blindside kind of way during casual conversation and the sharing that happens in comments on (infertility) blogs.

I think I know the blog/post you mean and I just don't see it as the same kind of faux paux as it is in face to face conversation.

That's my $.02.

[Just a reader.]

Horror stories are one thing. Real life lived stories are another. Many of you have commented about only wanting to hear the worse case from a medical professional,but what if even they don't tell you what the worse case could be? What if you never hear anything about what can happen until it does? Then what? Wouldn't you want to know the dangers of things? I understand that some things even with knowing can't be prevented,but atleast you would have had the benefit of know if could happen and does happen. I didn't know,nobody told me,I had little information on the fact that my healthy normal infant could die....And to think,this was my 3rd child and not ONE single Medical Professional ever said anything about a worse case possibility. Sometimes all we have in the world are other peoples worse cases,so I listen to others and I tell mine just so others can know it can happen to normal everyday people...It doesn't mean it will,but it can. Just the same as I want to know if it can happen. Not if it will,but if it can. It's not about upsetting others,or "taking a dump in someone's brain." It's more about caring and offering advice concering something you have dealt with and experianced and alot of times it matters,because God Forbid it ever happens to you,then you will be assured that you are not alone.

[Jennie]

I'm not going to read the other comments before posting because sometimes I am a sheep.

I only give worst case stories if they are asked for, I just don't believe anyone needs to hear horror stories if they arn't prepared for them, we all know how strong we are at any given point in time and if for example I need to hear hey it can work it'll be fine you have 99% chance of nothing going wrong then that's what I need a 1% story thrown into the mix can and has reduced me to worrying obsessing and being a general pain in the arse about it... but if I want to have every case laid out I'll ask for it because I'm strong enough to deal and I'm mentally prepared for all scenarios so I wont obsess and work myself into a state of doom and gloom.

I hope that made some sense, what do you mean no it didn't? hey I know what I was trying to say perhaps next time I'll use sign language or braile :)

[SAtwins]

Why give someone the worse case scenario on something the can not change? I don't think it's constructive at all.

If it is something that is a choice or option, let it fly.

If it's a medical situation, then I would guess the doctor should give all information. If it's some random yahooo, they should keep their trap shut.

[Sharon]

Yes, I would want to know the worst case scenario.

Some things in life can be controlled and some cannot. I have been the 1% more than once and I know that the worst case scenario doesn't just happen to your neighbor or to someone in the news.

When information is provided to us it is our decision how we handle it. Maybe the information could help us better assess risks that we were not aware of. Maybe if it is brought to our attention again it is for a reason.

People express concern in many ways and communicate in different ways.

[Ann]

Perhaps you need to turn the question around; there's a fine line between giving the worst case scenario and, on the other hand, giving false reassurance. I'm also a health care provider, and I sometimes feel as if people want so badly to be told not to worry, that everything is going to be fine, but if something were to happen, wouldn't that make the tragedy that much worse?

[Heels]

I think it's hard to remember, sometimes, that the person writing a blog is real, you know, and people might want to just get their stories down in comments, for several reasons, and forget that they're posting to someone very real in the meantime.

I would never relay a worst-case scenario to someone who's worrying about that in real life and I certainly wouldn't do it as a relatively anonymous blog commenter. Boundaries or not, I can't smack a person through the computer like that.

I will say that I posted to someone going through a devastating loss that I have a real-life acquaintance who suffered a similar loss and that my heart breaks for both the blogger and my real-life acquaintance, but I think that's different.

We do not have to blow sunshine up everyone's asses all the time, but we certainly don't have to do the exact opposite either.

[Michele]

I think it depends on the scenario. Like giving advice about how to bake a cake and giving a worst case scenario such as " Worst case scenario, it flops and we make a last minute run to the bakery." is fine. Worst case scenario, you STILL get cake. But pregnancy/parenting advice is so deadly. I didnt need someone to tell me that her friend of a friend's daughter managed to strangle herself in her highchair whilst Mum ran to the front door - just because I happened to mention that I was peeing while the kids had a cracker in their highchairs not 10 feet from me but on the other side of the wall.
I can freak myself out enough on my own about pregnancy, IVF and kids - please dont add to my anciety with your worst case scenario/1-2% chances that scare the crap out of me.

[victoria]

How does a kid manage to strangle herself in a highchair?

[Momness]

I'm on the other side of the fence - I'm grateful for "worst case scenario" advice. It helped me advocate for my son (who has a very rare congenital syndrome) and get the tests and support he needed. Without that body of knowledge from those who had "worst case scenario" advice, I would have been flying blind.

He quite literally could have died - one piece of advice had me running to the Neurologist and we found something we wouldn't have found otherwise.

I think HOW the "worst case scenario" advice is phrased is important and makes a huge difference.

When a newly pregnant co-worker brags about her brand-new pregnancy, I don't mention my knowledge of miscarriage rates.

When attendees at a baby shower go into intimate details about their "birth plans" and the importance of immediate "bonding" I don't say a word, but I leave the room.

But if a mother said to me that she thought her baby might be hearing impaired, or he was having weird twitches that might be siezures, or maybe their baby wasn't thriving, or she had second trimester bleeding... well, I'd feel obligated to try to help.

Because people helped me and it made a huge, positive difference.