Little Johnny

HAD to post these, v funny.  Rude, but funny.

LITTLE JOHNNY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on Little Johnny. He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

 

LITTLE JOHNNY ON MATH

Little Johnny returns from school, and he says he got an "F" in arithmetic. "Why?" asks Little Johnny's father?

"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2 x 3'? I said ' 6," replies Little Johnny.

"But that's right!" says Little Johnny's Dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me: 'how much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks Little Johnny's father.

"That's what I said!"

 

LITTLE JOHNNY ON ENGLISH

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words, Class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow-job."

 

LITTLE JOHNNY ON GRAMMAR

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"

 

LITTLE JOHNNY ON MORE GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Johnny.

He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

 

LITTLE JOHNNY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No He minded his own fucking business."

Comments

[Adi V.]

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

The Little Johnny jokes are some of my favorites.

Adi V.

[Tim]

Hillarious!!

My Life, My Blog.
http://www.timsblog.co.nr

[Judy]

I haven't heard these in a long time! Tee hee!

[heather]

you made my weekend with the little johnny jokes. such nostalgia!

[Kam]

Hey! How come we are so enlightened about not sexualizing little girls, but this is still funny? I don't know, it strikes a weird chord with me, perhaps because I have the feeling I'm about to become a mother to a little boy. And for those who will tell me to lighten up, I just couldn't help but remark on the irony of following the Lolita post with this one, for so many reasons. Tertia, are my overly-serious American roots showing? I love ya lots, but must admit a little twinge of ewww with this one.

[Alley_uk]

Geez, can you imagine if little Lulu and Little Johnny ever got together? That would be some seriously weird shit! :-)

A

[cheryl b.]

Kam-I'm not being sarcastic, but these are still funny because they are made up jokes while the sexualization of little girls is very real. Plus I have an almost 4(4!) year old boy who swears sometimes and I always have to try really hard not laugh untill he is in the "time out spot" so he won't know that I think it's fucking hilarious.
Thanx for the laugh Tertia, smooches!

[R]

Hey,
Yeah, I guess I'm an overly serious American too... I taught waaaaay too many kids with mouths like this...but it's T's blog, and she can write whatever she wants!!!!!! Yay for free speech!
R

[MFA Mama]

Oh we're doing jokes? Okay. A woman goes to the store and asks the produce clerk if there are any huckleberries. "No ma'am, I'm sorry," he says. She asks him to check in the back, and he does, and comes back and tells here there are definitely no huckleberries. She asks him if he is sure, he says yes. "But could you ask the store manager," she next wants to know? The clerk gets the store manager and briefs him on the situation. The store manager takes the woman aside and asks "Is there an apple in pineapple?" "No," says the confused woman. He nods. "Is there a flower in cauliflower?" "No," she says again. "Is there," he next asks, "a fuck in huckleberries?" "NO, says the now-exasperated woman, there's no fuck in huckleberries!" The mans smiles beatifically and nods. "Exactly."

[Kam]

Oh, please. I'm not asking Tertia not to write what she wants. I'm responding, communicating, which is what I assume T wants to do when she writes in a public forum. I would expect her to stand up if I wrote something that she felt strongly about.

And just to clarify, it's not the language or the expression of sexuality here that bugs me. Kids are sexual beings, and repressing that is bound to lead to problems later.
It's the predatoriness and callousness that we encourage in males from a very early age that gets me, in addition to Johnny's procociousness. If you really encountered this kind of thinking in a child (young boy coming on in very specific terms to his teacher!), you would have to start wondering what Johnny's experiencing at home. Wouldn't you?
The Lolita Syndrome is not just a problem for girls. It's a problem in our culture in general, and girls are not the only victims. Can't we stand up for our boys, too?

[chloesmybaby]

Come on people - they are jokes! Tertia, you just can't win - deep topics piss off people and jokes piss off people. I'd much rather my daughter tell a naughty joke when she gets older than dress like a mini-hooker.

[Tertia]

I'm going to bed now. Please don't let this get ugly while I am away or I will delete the post and the comments. Let's have an intelligent debate.

Kam is my friend, I don't agree with her viewpoint on this*, but she's my friend and she's entitled to her opinion.

*I do think you're being overly sensitised dearest Kam, but let's hear your view.

Please no ugliness guys, my tolerance is pretty low at the moment, I am hovering precariously close to the entrance of the cave.

[heather]

my favourite Little Johnny joke is the one Woody Harrelson tells before he breaks out of prison in Natural Born Killers (my favourite movie, which may sound strange for a girl who considers herself proactive, feminist and peaceful)!

[lily]

I picture Little Johnny looking and talking like Robert Deniro in "Raging Bull". lol.

[Terri (Moms Over 30)]

That last one had me in stitches. Love Little Johnny jokes!

[Peggy]

out of lurking just to say I loved the jokes.

[Jo]

I am learning a lot lately. You can link hairless cooters to Lolita and Little Johnny jokes sexualise little boys.

Maybe I don't think deeply enough about things. Hairless cooters to me are about good sex and being able to wear which ever bathing suit you want without looking like a hairy gorilla. Little Johnny jokes are adult jokes that are just a laugh.

People's opinions are formed by their country, their culture, their life experiences, their parents. For eg, in Australia when we saw the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction no-one could work out what the fuss was about. You can see tits on the 6 o'clock news. You can say fuck on TV. But that's our culture, it's nice to have diversity and flavour and respect each other's opinions.

But what would I know. I'm a lowly colonial ;)

Great jokes, had a real laugh!

[MFA Mama]

You can say fuck on tv in Australia? Wow.

[Kirsty]

So are "little Johnny" jokes a South African thing? I've never heard them in Britain.

Oh, they were funny btw.

[projgen]

teeheehee; I love Little Johnny jokes. I've never heard the "blow job" one - made me laugh out loud! Thanks for the giggle, T!

[Jo]

Hey MFA,

Yes, you can! It does depend on the time of day, the time slot (eg you couldn't during kids viewing...) and the context. Shit has been around a long time and you can hear that in prime time, fuck has taken a bit longer and the c-word only seemed to come out late at night on commercial telly. Sex in the City used to be shown on free-to-air here about 10pm. I was watching the ABC news the other night (ABC here is the government owned station) and they were reporting a court case with non-beeped f words. I was a bit surprised, esp at 7pm.

I saw a hilarious Parkinson episode (UK) with Sean Connery. Connery is telling a story and stops short of using a word saying "Hmm, better not say that". Parky says "You can use any word you like here" so Sean rips out the big C (it was a quote, and part of his funny story) and Parky rolls his eyes and says "Oh God, I meant any word EXCEPT that one" lol.

I'm not into censorship, but I do think bad language should be kept well away from where little kids could be exposed. They get enough of it at school etc without having it on tv too. As for putting it on during "adult viewing" times - no problems there, but Australians are generally relaxed about things (although of course you do get some people, esp little old ladies, writing and complaining).

Is it true you can't use the word God on US TV? I mean taking it in vain. I've watched a few shows where it's beeped out. For some people it's every second word here.

[Nopenname]

Jo,

The "God" bleeping is generally only on certain stations or at certain times (I've also noticed it more prevalent on Sunday...go fig right?), AND it's usually only bleeped when in front of "damn" or part of some other "swear".

You know taking the lords name in vain...it's a no no but calling some woman a bitch...TOTALLY OKAY!