Dear Brand New Blogger

To all new bloggers out there, a word of advice from a sage old hand. 

Your blog is your personal space, it’s the place where you can indulge in a bit of therapy, you can let all your feelings out, you can be honest and open about yourself if you choose, you can write about whatever you want to write about, it’s your blog after all.

Well, almost anything.  However, things you may not mention includes,but is not limited to, some of the following:

1.    Under no circumstance are you to call yourself poor, fat or old, or any other label, unless you have checked, and doubled checked, that you are in fact the oldest, poorest, fattest person in the Whole Wide World.  Because if there is someone older, fatter or poorer, they will be most offended that you would call yourself any of the above. They will naturally interpret it as a judgment against them.

2.    At the same time, saying complimentary things about yourself will be interpreted as vanity.  So none of that either.

3.    Do not blog about your self-improvement endeavours, remember one man’s mascara is another man’s Botox.  Additionally, your attempts at making yourself feel / look good will be interpreted as giving in to society’s negative view on aging / women / mothers / any other stereotype that might exist.  Remember – you are a champion for every possible cause / underdog / hard done by group and your debt to society is greater than any obligation to yourself. 

4.    Hidden meanings will be found in every thing.  At no stage will your words be taken at their face value.  If any inferences are to be made, they will be the worst kind possible.  Never mind what you actually said, we all know what you really mean.

5.    Never use any jargon or words that are perfectly acceptable in your culture, unless you have checked that there isn’t a miniscule chance that the same words could cause morbid offence in another culture. 

6.    No political / nationality jokes.  Actually, no jokes at all.  Someone, somewhere, will find it offensive. 

7.    Don’t poke fun at any culture, ethnic group, nationality, religion, gender, sexual persuasion etc, even if you belong to that particular grouping yourself.

8.    In fact, rather not poke fun at yourself at all – in doing so you might unwitting offend someone. 

9.    Actually, while we are on things humorous, a sense of humour is not universally translated, it is certainly not universally appreciated.  If you are being humorous do not rely on simple interpretation of the written word, you will need to be specific and state upfront that you are in fact (attempting to be) humorous. Perhaps a line that says “THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE, PEOPLE, CHILL” might be of use.  Whatever you do, do NOT make any jokes about American’s not knowing their dialling codes.  Actually, no jokes about America or Americans.  They don’t like that.  They will think you hate all Americans if you joke about them.  Rather joke about the Aussies, the Kiwis and the Brits.  Besides being ex cons, sheep-shaggers and lousy lovers respectively, they don’t mind taking the piss at themselves. 

10.    Every post needs to be preceded with a standard disclaimer that says:

• a.    Any reference to actual / real people is purely coincidental and bears no relation to reality

• b.    Names and identities have (not) been changed to protect the (not so) innocent

• c.    I am not sexist / ageist / racist / classist / homophobic / or any other ‘ist.

• d.    This post has nothing to do with you, your family, your best friend / husband etc, or any real or perceived judgment I may or may not have about any issue that you may or may not have.  Not that I am saying you have issues. 

• e.    I am deeply, profoundly grateful for:  my children /.husband / job / family / finances etc. 

11.    In fact, while we are speaking about gratitude – do NOT have a moan about any thing. This will be interpreted as you being ungrateful.  Remember the people who are worse off than you.  Always, always state how grateful you are.

12.    Actually, in order to be absolutely sure you do not offend any one at all, do not have an opinion on anything.  Nothing what so ever.  It really is the safest route to go.  Don’t speak about your feelings, you opinions or even your life. 

13.    Lastly, know that just by being honest about who you are and what you think, you will be judged, condemned, misinterpreted, ridiculed, criticized, disparaged and vilified.

This might sound like a very restrictive list, but don’t be discouraged. There’s always your holiday you can blog about. Actually – blogging about your holiday might be offensive to those who feel holidays are exploitative and restricted to the privileged few. 

Actually, it’s safer to say nothing at all. 

Or you could just say “fuck ‘em” and be real.  Just be prepared to grow a very tough hide. 

Yours in blogging freedom,
Tertia

PS: “THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE, PEOPLE, CHILL”

Assholes ;-)

Comments

[bec (and Charlotte)]

Lol.

[Veronika]

Hahaha! I really don't know why people can't just read a blog for the entertainment / educational / "I'm so damned bored I have nothing better to do" value of it. Why is there always one ass... I mean person who must have some negative feeling about what is being said? And they just have to share! Keep blogging and have a ball with it, this is your space after all! :-)

[Alley_uk]

bwhahahahaha you are such a funny (if highly offensive and completely innapropriate) chick.

I am sorely tempted to try and write 1 post that completely contradicts every single rule in that list. Of course it is likely have have NULL affect as unlike you oh one of such great popularity and notoriety (sp?) MY blog has been completely overlooked as one of any importance.

So there, not only are you rude and offensive, you're also really greedy.

Hehehhehe, clearly you left one off the list:

x) Do not hog the whole reading population, you will incur the wrath of those with less popularity

A

(P.S THIS IS A JOKE PEOPLE, CHILL)

[Meg]

You are so fucking offensive! I'm really fucking offended!

I wouldn't stick around except you're so pretty. ::sighs hopelessly::

[Jenn]

LOL

At least we can play cricket!

[Lindsey]

YAY T!!

[Boulder]

Cricket, Jenn?

Fuck. Now I'm reaaly offended.

14. Do not allow commenters to comment, lest they agree (or disagree) with items 1-13, and thereby offend any of your remaining readership, as you will be held responsible for their sentiments because they are reacting to what YOU have written.

[Kathleen999]

A wonder you can even turn on the computer, with so many rules!!! :)

We love reading you Tertia, keep on going! Ignore the stupidity.

[Ninotchka]

Timely. Brilliant. Smooches right back atcha. :)

[gkk]

Well, now I'm offended! What about all us poor non-bloogers eh? Where's OUR post???? Bloody typical ;-)

[kim]

So is your hide getting any tougher?

[Tertia]

"Not Meg" your indignation is getting boring. That's the second time you've had something horrible to say about the same thing. Get over it already. Got the message, you don't agree with what we did. Fine. To use your words "whatever".

Told you, diss me all you want, leave other people out of it.

Comment deleted.

[Jo]

OK, here's a Little Johnny joke my kiwi friend told me... nothing American, promise!

Little Johnny was an Australian who'd moved to New Zealand. He was attending a Grade 2 parent-teacher interview to see how well he was integrating.

Teacher: Johnny is having a few problems with maths.

Dad: Is that right, Johnny? I think we should work on that

Teacher: And he's way behind the class with his spelling, and reading

Dad: I think we'd better work on those too, son. Funny, he was top of his class in Australia.

Teacher: It's not all bad. Johnny is a remarkable rugby player. By far the best in his year.

Johnny: Did you hear that Dad? I'm the best rugby player!

Dad: You're fucking 15 years old, son

Oh dear. I'm an Australian, I think I offended myself. Bloody Kiwi friends.

Nice post, Tertia. I can't imagine how frustrated you're feeling right now. But the good news is, heaps of people are reading your blog. And being offended by it ;)

[Lioness]

15 - Do not ever tell Little Johnny jokes or half of your Portie readership will be forced to botox your filthy mouth bcs YES SHE TAKES THEM PERSONALLY.

Cow.

[Tracey Dixon]

That was funny.

Too bad it's true. It's exactly what holds my reluctance to keep writing on my own blog.

[wix]

you are a rock goddess.

[lily]

I know, when did *personal* journal space become "Let's criticize and pick apart each other" space? this is the online equivalent of your diary, with which you have priviledged us with a glimpse into your and your family's life. the running commentary from the peanut gallery on what you should and should not do or say is unnecessary and inappropriate- you're an adult, a successful g&d one at that, and just because there's a box that says comment, it doesn't mean you're asking for nitpicking advice on every little thing you write.
love, a completely un-offended American, who actually does NOT know any country codes!

[me]

We wouldn't all keep coming back if we didn't like what you wrote. So there.

Would be very interested to know what people think about butt hair. It is the taboo topic. My hubby thinks it's gross. What do I do, shave it? UGH.

[Renee]

Oh, and never...NEVER spell humour with a 'u', as this will very likely encite a riot of people clamouring to know why you are different, and where you get off being different. Also, never write without first taking your Soma. This will ensure that you follow 1-13 without too much aberration.

[missbanshee]

I think we're very lucky to be constantly offended by someone so G+D. I'm American, and I make fun of Americans every chance I get. It's new and exciting to hear insults about other nationalities!

[Cricket]

You become even more heroic by the day - or is that too vain a thing to say, asshole?

[Danielle]

Is it wrong of me that all I got from this post was the thought "hmm, I like a man in mascara?"

You rock Tertia.

[sara]

Remember, the reason that Americans have no appreciation for jokes about Americans is that for the last 6 years we've been told that any criticism of America is Disloyal And WIll Undermine the War Effort so What Are You Laughing At you Liberal Flagburning America Hating Commie Why Don't You Move To France Or Something.

Some of us are laughing. We just can't post about it because the Department of Homeland Security might start tapping our phones.

j/k. Probably.

[Menita]

Asshole.

[Laura]

A blog most unlike yours, Hooptyrides (www.hooptyrides.com), carries this statement at the top of the page:
"Disclaimers should precede every statement. In the interest of brevity, we will state, just once, 'We are responsible for nothing.'"

Maybe you could use this as well. (^_^)

[Mollie]

Best fuck I ever had: British guy.

No joke.

Asshole.

[Joy]

This asshole loves it!

[scott]

Guess some people need a sense of humour gene-transplant. Not you, T, yours is just fine. Unless you are being serious, in which case, I hate you just as much as those dustbunnies who waste all that time reading something they hate. Twits.
You were joking, right? lol.

[Laura]

You are wonderful and I adore you.

Asshole.

[pixi]

Thanks, Tertia, from an unhappy with her weight, frustrated with her job, Bush-hating, pro-choice, depressed sometimes, thinks she's pretty cool sometimes, spends way too much money on shoes & clothes, uncertain how she feels about God & religion (not necessarily the same thing), big fan of yours, finally de-lurking, new blogger. I'll try NOT to heed your advice.

Love your blog. Never hold back. (as if you would!)

[maia]

Don't ever change on us Tertia, fuck the naysayers. We love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE :)

[mama-beans]

Yes, much support here.. LOVE your writing.. esp when you are fumed.. this post could NOT have been funnier! As a side note VERY curious as to what miss-negative had to say that was deleted.... you tease.

[Skippy]

Mollie - have you met my boyfriend?

The line about British blokes being useless shags is a cunning ploy by those of us in the know. We guard this secret jealously, otherwise demand would outstrip supply.

Oh. Damn.

[ms pickled eggs]

Huh, I always thought I was a pretty good lover. And if I could be bothered to get a shower, shave my legs and seduce Mr PE I'd go prove it.
However, sitting here, surfing the interweb whilst wearing curry stained pjs seems like a much more fun option.

[Janis]

People who love to get offended over everything or search for things to get offended over, in my humble opinion, must lead very boring lives.

Not too long ago, I wrote a post on my blog about a woman who was offended by fat people. Of all the things in the world to get your knickers in a twist over, that was hers.

Please... There are much bigger things than getting offended by fat people, jokes, blogs, etc. Much bigger...

I don't read blogs simply because I agree with what the person writes. I love reading ones that make me think, make me feel, make me take a second look at things. And often that means I read some things I may not agree with. I'm cool with that though. I actually enjoy the challange it creats at times. It can make one think if one chooses to do that over choosing to be offended.

Right now, my life is in the tank. I'm looking for laughs. I'm looking for things to keep my mind off my own messes.

Tertia's blog as well as a few others provide that diversion. For just a few minutes each day, I can forget my daughter is dead. I can forget that another of my children has the same illness that took our other daughter. I can forget that I too have it and passed it to them. I can forget that my husband has been lying to me for months and making preperations to leave us. I can forget that he decimated the retirement fund so he could walk out. I can forget about the hell a divorce is certain to be for myself and my kids. I can forget that even after my wages and child support I will still be in the hole several hundered dollars each month.

Bloggers like T may write for their own enjoyment, but they also give more to their readers than they could ever imagine.

So in closing (I'm an asshole for writing an epic, sorry), I want to thank T, Julie, Julia, Aitch, Cecily, Grrl and a host of others for helping make my day a bit brighter. Thanks for the laughs, the tears, the way you open your hearts and souls to those who read your blogs. Thanks for being real. Thanks for telling it like it is, even if there are those who might get all pissy because they think differently.

And to those who are easily offended, if you don't like what you read, close the browser window and move on. Nobody is forcing you to read anything on the net. Go find a book to read, a tv show, go for a walk. Do anything. Just don't tell others what they can or cannot write in their own little space on the net.

Sheesh...

[Wylie]

WTF, T?? Canadians aren't good enough to be made fun of?

Fine . . .

*stomps off*

[Amanda]

Delurking to post a comment with one of my favorite phrases *ever*:

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Think that about sums it up :-)

[Claire]

I'm spluttering in rage and shaking my fist at the screen.

Well, not really, but sheesh do some people need to get some perspective. I think the whole 'this post is not about YOU' should be written across the top of every blog.

Now, let's talk about me.

[Lulu]

Ms Pickled Eggs. Are you me?

Pxx

[Kristine]

Very good advice. V. good.

[Karla]

I subscribe to that old bit of wisdom:

"If they can't take a joke, fuck 'em!"

[Irina]

What a great entry! I was just thinking about this myself the other day. In some ways, many people are all for freedom of speech - except in the cases when they don't like what they hear! : D Keep on writing!

[Anna]

How's that working out for you? Being clever?

Apparently well ; )

I like your blog and what you have to say. Really, the heck with these people who choose to take offense to all these little things. Admittedly I'm nitpicky, but this is a bit much. Thanks for writing! You have many who will keep reading! (and not have a major snit over every little thing!)

[Judy]

MUUUUUUUUUUUUAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Love ya!

[shelli]

fucking brilliant.

thank you

thank you

thank you!

[MFA Mama]

Hmph. To publish a post called "Dear Brand New Blogger" is offensive to everyone who is not a blogger and assumes that everyone possesses the computer, Internet access, and literacy necessary to BECOME a blogger, which is, in and of itself, a bigoted view. I will be deleting you from my blogroll posthaste. Asshole

p.s. actually, I just finished blogging about this issuemyself--have you noticed that everyone seems to be wrestling with the beige tide this week? Of course nothing I had to say was nearly as witty as what you wrote. Which I find offensive.

[e]

Hahahahahahahahahaha

But, if they can't take a joke, do you really want to fuck'em?

[Liz]

HAh. you are too funny T. Seriously you can't blog now a days without people digging through it letter by letter and finding offendsive messages in them.

It seems you can't win, doesn't matter what you blog about. Why can't people just read a blog and move on?
I read blogs, I will commend if I have time. If it's funny, I go hah; if i don't like, I just mutter an asshole and move on to the next one.

[lorrie]

I'm highly offended because you write better than I do!!

I HATE YOU!!!

HOW DARE YOU insult us inferior writers with such a brill post?

ASSHOLE!!!

[Samie]

Love it!- Just wish i could hear you read your disclaimer in that accent of yours! and, as an american i thought your dialing code joke was awesome- and i still don't know what ours is!

[Serina]

Now I'm sad because I just realised that I'M TOO FAT TO SHAVE MY COOTER!! Seems you don't need a shaved cooter to upset people, just a quick brain and a knack of observing life. Don't change a thing, my love. I love the way you write. xxx

[Adi V.]

How dare you infer that we americans don't know our own country code? We know it! We really do! I swear! We just don't realize that we know it.
You see we must use it to call anyone who lives more than round about 15-40 miles away. We use it so much that it doesn't occur to us that we might ever need to tell anyone about it. Most of my friends/relatives live more than a 45 minute drive away from me, so if I'm going to give them a ring I have to use the US/Canada country code + area code + number I'm dialing.

So for the last damn time WE KNOW THE DAMNED NUMBER! WE KNOW IT SO WELL THAT WE HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT ALL THEM THAR GOLL-DURNED FUREIGNERS MIGHT NEED TO LOOK IT UP.

*huffs off offendedly*
*door slams*

*door opens again*
*Adi curtsies gracefully in the approximate general direction of Her Most Royal Highness, Tertia, Queen of all the Assholes... Then ruins the effect by giggling.*

Adi V.
A mischievous Native of the Greater Seattle Area who likes to confound the Department of Homeland Security by checking out arm loads of books about chemistry, the history of security practices in american ports, costume making, and three different translations of the Qur'an. All in the same day.
Ain't I a stinker?

[Adi V.]

Disclaimer directed at all you hard working DHS type persons:

Just so as you guys know. The odd library habits of mine that started right after the Patriot Act? Relax. It's a joke. Really. I'm just fuckin' with you guys by checking that stuff out. (OK, the first time I did that I did get bored and try to read some of it just to have something to do because I was having a little insomnia. But ya know what? Books on the chemistry involved in making volatile substances is so incredibly boring that I fell asleep after maybe four pages.)

Adi V.

[DD]

Not only was the post brilliant, but it was actually fun to read the comments as well. Who knew so many people could be offended (not) by a an offensive (not) post; thereby offending (not) the subsequent commenter? Oh fuck, I've now confused myself (not).

[Diane]

Beautiful.

But we Canadians would like to be made fun of and offended too (we fall into the same category as Brits, Aussies etc.) so I am offended that we were not included............

PS- Adi V., you are hilarious.

[Anna]

Tertia, I know I already commented, but I just had to thank you again for this post; the other comments are completely cracking me up! tee hee hee!

[chasmyn]

What is this? Do you think you're funny? I find this post completely offensive.

*snort* *giggle*

Offend away, you are G and D!!! I love learning about SA culture from you. I will always read your blog, as long as you have it. Poo tp the trolls and delicate flowers in the internets who cannot laugh at themseves or with you.

[Beth]

Thank Gawd, Tertia! You caught me just in time! I was just considering whether to start my own blog. Seriously. I'm still considering it but, everything you said here is true and would becoming tiring post haste.

Adi V., will you be my BFF? I am *totally* doing that next time I visit the library, effing brilliant!

[Jessica]

Bwaaaawaaaaahhhaawwaaaaaaaaaa......

That's the funniest crap I've seen all week. Thanks Tertia. *giggles uncontrollably*

[sheilah]

hehe...pretty funny...I added the following disclaimer to my blog (but mine is not like yours as it seems no one ever actually reads it anyway):

The writings posted here are my opinions and my opinions only. Any assvice dispensed is worth every nickel you are paying for it. If you disagree, good. No offense meant. Your mileage may vary. No refunds. No exchanges. All rights reserved. Do not eat. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Do not stand here. Don't sit under the apple tree. No running. No hitting. Stand behind the fire line. Do not park in the red zone. Copyright 2004, 2005. Thank you.

[sheilah]

Oh...I forgot to add:

Asshole.

[Elise]

Bravo Tertia, LMAO!!!

[projgen]

untwist your knickers yet? ;)

So yesterday, I had my picture taken at a party with a friend who is a toothpick. So skinny that if she turns sideways she disappears. I looked like a hippo next to her. A hippo who had eaten another hippo.

It made me v v pissed at you.

Because you were probably sitting back with a glass of wine, and all we had was beer.

asshole.

[baby metropolis]

Hee hee!

[Jamie]

LOL! That's awesome!