Are they identical?

Going out in public with twins always gets a reaction from the general populace. People love to stare, or comment, or point etc. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t mind it at all; in fact I kind of love it. After waiting so long for my babies I am only too happy to show them off.

However, you do get some really crazy comments. Here are some of the most common comments I get, and the responses I would love to say in return.

Comment: Are they twins?

Wishful response: No, they’re just really really close in age. Like 1 minute.

Comment: Are they two boys?

Wishful response: Yes, although we really wanted a boy and a girl and that’s why we’ve dressed one of them in top-to-toe pink.

Comment: Are they identical? (this after telling them they are b/g twins)

Wishful response: I want you think about that question for a while…… The one’s a boy, the other’s a girl….. Still no lights going on? Let's try this…. The one has a penis the other a vagina? Still nothing? Right then.

Comment: Oooh, double trouble!

Wishful response: Oh, hahahahaha, excuse me while I expire from hilarity – what a fantastically original comment, never heard that one before. Good one!

Comment: Poor you!

Wishful response: Damn right, how about a donation?

Comment: Twins! How wonderful. They’re gorgeous.

Desired response: Thank you. What a rocking thing to say. Please marry me.

And then, a real answer to an asked question:

Question: Do twins run in your family?*

Actual answer: No, these are fertility babies.

I know some people don’t like to go into the whole fertility thing, but I am on a constant quest to educate the world about infertility issues, and to help out fellow infertiles, that I always tell people they were IVF babies. I am actually damn proud that they are IVF babies. In my mind it shows the strength and determination of my husband and I to have children. This wasn’t a fluke – this was the result of many years of blood, sweat and tears. And I am not ashamed to admit that to any one.

You know what’s cool though, is how you have this bond with fellow twin parents. When we walk around in the mall and we see a double stroller come past, we always make deep eye contact with the other parents and we pass these knowing, supportive looks at each other. It’s cool.

I know in the beginning I told all of you not to have twins, but I’m taking that back now. Have twins!! It’s totally divine. I LOVE being mom to twin babes. Actually, I just love being mom to these babes. I'm a lucky lucky woman, I really am. 

*People LOVE asking that question, and I’m not sure why. Because what are you going to do with the answer? If I say yes, then what will you do? If I say no, then what? It’s an odd question to me.

Comments

[Felicity]

Haha! Thats all so true!

When Ned and Cecilia were born I didnt drive, so to get out I would go to the huge shopping complex nearby at least 3 times a week, then just stroll around and lap up the Twin Adoration! It was great. :) People are drawn to twins, and yes, I have every one of those comments, too! I did find that alot of people asked me if they were IVF babies. I got the impression that people were very open about it. (Twins run in my family.)

I remember one hard day, when my Twins were about 5 months old. I was tired, feeling isolated, alone and down. Dispite being great babies, the shere hard work had really gotten to me that day... As I walked to the shopping centre an elderly man was staring at them, and I unconciously amticipated which steriotypical remark he would make... 'you have your hands full..hehehe', or 'double trouble!' etc. As he got close he smiled at me, patted my arm and said "Oh, my.. you are doing a WONDERFUL job, Dear." Tears welled up and I stuttered a thankyou, then promptly burst out crying as he went past! I was just so thankful to him for refraining from the obvious, and for just being a stranger with some really kind words!

And I agree! Twins are great! They are a joy from day 1, and seeing mine now, how they love each other, and play all day... how they are so, so protective of each other, and watch out for each other.. its a joy to be a part of.

:)

[Legally Blonde...and Clueless]

Oh dear, I always cringe when I read lists of dumb questions - because I know I've asked some of them. I'm sure I asked some completely tasteless IF questions or made stupid, useless statements to IF friends before I had to go through it myself.

Could I just say, in defence of the clueless, we usually mean well. We usually just want to make conversation or be friendly. For eg, the "Do twins run in the family?" question - which I haven't actually asked - I guess the person asking is trying not to be obvious with the whole "Woa, double trouble!" thing so they thought throwing in some knowledge of genetics would be a safe, interesting thing to say. It's not, but I'm sure the intention is good!

I'm glad you're enjoying your babes so much. They are just divine.

[Tertia]

Oh, don't worry, I'm quite sure I've actually said some of these myself before I had the kids.

[margalit]

My F B/G twins are now 13 years old and I've heard every comment in the book, all of the ones you've mentioned and this one, which was the one that actually stumped me for a sarcastic answer:

Q: Were you trying for twins?

A: Uh, uh..... (when I should have said "No, we were hoping for quints but we got rooked and only got the two."

Trying for twins? Are people that crazy or that dumb?

You're right, twins are the best. There are times when you think I can't do this another second, but most of the time it's been a joy.

[Cath]

i love you Tertia I love you.

My favourite is COMPLETE Strangers walking up to me and asking "so are you breastfeeding" and then staring at my chest like i was wearing Pammy Anderson's rack.

And when you answer no, they ALL, ALL go "oh why not?"

Because you know how anonymous strangers have a total RIGHT to know why/where/what for.

i swear next time Im going to say "I did have a natural child birth though, want to see my vagina now that its over with?"

heh heh

[Boulder]

"Yes - they are identical matches to my husband and me."

I'm so proud of you educating half of mankind about IVF, etc. So many decide once they've gotten their prize at the end to be quiet about it. Me? I'd be telling EVERYONE.

I totally concur on the "hard won" aspect!

[wessel]

Oh Tertia, I would LOVE twins, but I'm worried my circus freak uterus would explode (I only have exactly half a uterus, you know).

The comment about identical b/g twins got me thinking about a Nancy Drew book I read. I love Nancy Drew even though I understand that they are crap on the literature scale--I love children's books in general and read a lot of them in preparation for my new career. Anyway . . . in one of the stories, there was a passage that read something along the lines of "the adorable identical twins, a little boy and a little girl," Oh no! I guess I will have to start monitoring all reading materials for truth and accuracy for our children, if we ever get any.

[Andy]

It's funny that you should post this as today my best friend and her identical IVF twins were over to play. She was telling me how she was out walking and a old man asked her if her twins were IVF or if she got them by "hiding the sausage". Niiice. People are always asking her if they are IVF babies and yet noone asks me with my singleton. I guess people assume that IVF babies come in multiples.

[Meg]

On behalf of the stupid people...

::g:: Well, this is my explanation for ONE of the stupid questions. The identical thing? I only realised this a few years back. If the people asking it are like me, they don't think about all the biological differences involved in boy vs girl, and only see it as being baby 1 vs baby 2. Y'know, so the kids will grow up looking basically identical, apart from the gender differences. Which are --pfft-- piddling little differences.

I know it's stupid!

But also, in my defence, I have non-identical twin boy cousins, who looked absolutely identical to me (I only saw them 5 or 6 times a year) up until they were in their teens and got different haircuts. So, if fraternal twin boys can look so similar, why can't a boy and girl couple be identical? (rhetorical question -- I've wised up now, but that was how I saw it then!)

I "love" all the traditional cliched stupid questions/comments you get when you have kids. But I've said just about all of 'em, too. There's no escape.

When you're 8 months pregnant, "It won't be long now!"

If you have a fat baby, "He'll lose all that weight when he starts walking."

If you have an older baby who's not mobile yet, "Won't be long now!"

[Charmaine]

I remember going with my best friend and her twins and people asking the same thing "are they identical" ok girl/boy.......hello anyone home? They were thrilled to have twins. Guess the difference between those of us that have gone thru IF and those who haven't, many twins and triplets come thru our mall, working retail I get to see them all the time and the very first thing I say out loud to whoever I work with is "there goes a set of IVF babies". I never think it happens natural, ha. Of course I still can't figure out how anyone gets pregnant naturally anyway, j/k!

[Claire Gee]

I am the female half of a boy/girl twin pair. My response to the "Are you identical" is always "I don't have a penis". The other question I am always asked is, who was born first.
Until we were 13 we did not know - our Mum would not tell. When I was 13 I found the cards that were on our bassinets in the hospital, and the pink one said Elder of Twins. My brothers response to this was "I was sitting on you for 8 months" To which I replied "You must be the placenta."

[Kelly]

I get the exact same questions - exact - almost in the same order. I love reading your twin posts - mine are 15 months now and running around like nuts. I can't wait to read your posts when they start running in different directions - it's quite the experience. We are very lucky indeed....

[blackbird]

I have three boys pretty far apart (20,14,11) and when they were all small enough to shop with me (which was only for a short time) some asshole would always say to one of them:

Mommy's really got her hands full with you three eh?

I taught the middle one to say :
oh no, mommy says we are the most wonderful boys in the world.

people are so effin stupid.

[Susan]

Tertia, I just want to say how much I love reading your blog. My b/g twins are 20 months old and I love reading someone who is just a few months behind and remember my self at your stage.

As far as the identical questions, did you ever notice that it almost always comes right after the is it a boy and a girl question. I just want to say, "Um, please see last question". Either that or "you change the diapers next time and see if you can figure it out"

Twins are the best, and I have found that every new stage is better than the last! You are doing a great job!

[Judy]

You could probably write a book on all the stupid things people have said to you!

[Jennifer]

Oh Tertia!

I just LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. I have 3-month-old B/G twins via IVF and you have helped me through every stage. I read you during my early pregnancy, bed rest, hospital stays for preterm labor (they were born at 36 weeks - whew), and through the tough first months. Now to have you write this is the icing on the cake! I take my darlings everywhere and we get all the same comments. My husband loves to stroll with them and because he's (of course) so hot, he gets lots of attention. When asked if twins run in our family, we always say they are IVF babies. I consider it a privilege to have the opportunity to try that way after waiting so long for kids. Although I know it’s not something everyone would share, I feel that it’s right for me to do so.

Thanks for the lovely blog. Your good humor and honesty make my day – every day.

Jennifer

[kristinc]

Just HAD to chime in on this one! My 17 mo g/g twins look very different... one is blonde and the other is red haired and extremely small for her age... so people are always asking *just *how* close* they are expecting us to say 9 months or something crazy. So when we say they are two minutes apart people then start with all the twin questions you described... and most often ask if they are "natural" or run in the family etc. Usually, I say they were IVF babies just to make people realize that IVF babies aren't freaks of science w/three ears or something... or I respond to the "do twins run in your family" with the phrase "they do now!" I also respond to people's comments of "boy do you have your hands full!" by saying "better full then empty."

As an aside, I also have to share the RUDEST {twin} comment I have ever encountered - by an obviuosly PG lady no less... I was standing in line at tthe store w/ my twins and 5 yo who were all unhappy to be in line... the lady behind us suddnely realized there were two babies in the cart and said "Are they twins?" I replied yes and she said "oh wow! Goid played a cruel trick on you!" I was so astonished I mumbled some dumb thing back that obviously didn't tell her what an idiot she was! Cheers to the stupid people of the world , eh?! :)
Thanks for a great post and I totally agree w/you that even though it is hard at first being a mom to twins is awesome!Kristin

[Michelle]

You know, I found out a while back that "are they twins?" is really not as dumb a question as I thought. I was in a children's clothing store and there was a woman pushing a stroller with what appeared to be adorable boy/girl twins. One was slightly bigger than the other, but that happens. I asked how old they were and she replied oddly, "around six months." After we chatted for a bit, somehow the subject of our respective fertility issues came up, and she told me the real story - after trying for many years, she finaly hired a surrogate. When the surrogate was 2 months pregnant, the woman became pregnant herself naturally. So her children were born 2 months apart. What a great story - by the end I was crying right there in Children's Place!

[DD]

How's this for a Dumb Question: My friend and I were out in the mall, each pushing a single stroller, each stroller had one 3 mo. baby - one boy, one girl, and we were actually asked, more than once, if they were twins! No kidding! People just see more than one baby in close proximity in distance and age and the Stupid Gene just takes over!

[Rayne of Terror]

If you say, no twins don't run in the family, they say, well they do now, har de har har.

I'm an adult fraternal twin. When we had the first US I was adament the technician double check for twins.

[amy]

I would first like to echo Jennifer from above in saying I read you EVERY SINGLE DAY to see what I have to look forward to (my b/g twins are 5.5 months). My husband must get so tired of hearing, "Well, Tertia says..." Ha.

I've heard every question you mentioned. My response to the identical question is always, "No, they have different parts." I love the puzzled look people have until it registers on them. I also answer the "Do twins run in the family?" with "No, we had assistance." I certainly don't mind talking about it.

One of the rudest things anyone ever said was at my college roommate's baby shower. I was about 6 months pregnant with them and when she introduced me to her family and friends, she always told them I was expecting twins. I had THREE people --THREE!!!--offer me their condolences. WTF??? I didn't even try to be polite. I just said, "Why on Earth would you say something like that?"

One of my childhood friends also has twins (g/g--3 yrs old). I often solicited her for advice--during pregnancy, NICU stay, etc. She told me when I first found out they were twins that I would feel sorry for people who just had one. During the first three sleep deprived months, I thought perhaps she was delusional. Now, I am SO there. We are a lucky bunch, aren't we?

[Faith]

I have an admission to make:

My name is Faith, and I have twin envy. I have always wanted twins.

However, yesterday my neighbor visited me for the first time with her 7 year old daughter and her 2 year old, identical girl TRIPLETS!!! Boy were they cute! Dharma has never had so many playmates in her life, so she was fascinated by them, too.

[R]

Ha I have actually asked some of those questions! Oops!

After L's twin died I was so sad...and still am some days...I think having twins would be awesome. But I know it is alot of work, and you only pass the milestones once. I am actually looking forward to having another one now, and for her to have a little brother/sister. And I will be an old pro then! It has been a long way coming here, but I am excited about that.

I love keeping up with Adam and Kate! How much fun they will have growing up together! You ARE so blessed!
R

[SC]

I admit to being guilty of the last one 'do twins run in your family'. It was because I'd just met the woman who had b/g twins (age 4), and I was trying to find out if they were IVF or natural. I didn't want to be rude and ask outright about natural/IVF. All she said was 'no', so I never did find out. Although from spending time around her, and the fact that both she and her husband got 'fixed', I'm assuming it was natural.

Also, regarding people offering condolences...I'm expecting now and I have people give me the 'pity look' and say 'I'm sorry' or 'sucks to be you'. Not that I planned it, but JEEZ have some class.

[sheilah]

I always say that my son is a 'high-tech' baby. Of course that is usually after being asked if he is my grandson. Asshats!

Just because other women my age are sending their kids off to college and I have a 3-year old.

Asshats!

[Julie]

LOL! I have four (singleton) kids, all around 22 to 23 months apart in age. We are asked ALL THE TIME if the older two (both boys, the younger two are girls) are twins. People get shocked when we tell them they are almost 2 years apart. We've also had someone ask (a few times) if the older three are triplets... Jared is almost 4 years older than Alicia! LOL!

I laugh at everyone who's gotten the "You must be so busy" comment, because (with 4) I get those all the time. And the comment about having my hands full. (Must remember the "Better than empty" reply).. But I have actually been asked, on more than one occasion, "Have you figured out what's causing this yet?"

NO! I can't figure out why I keep getting pregnant! Someone please tell me! *wink*

They always get forgiven though, because then I get the "They are so cute and well behaved" comments. *smiles*

[Naomi]

I have a twin brother, and we have gotten the "are you identical question" since forever, even when the person is looking right at both of us. I like to say, "well, we have a few key differences" and give a knowing look--it was especially fun in middle school, when the embarrassment factor re: body parts was high.

Unless times have changed, you'll have another fun question added to the list when the kids get older--the "do they read each other's minds/know what the other is thinking" question. Ummm... not so much.

I've also gotten a lot of "what's it like to be a twin?" Dunno. What's it like not to be one?

[Susie]

Jumping in late to add an answer to the "Do twins run in your family" question. My friend who has 2 sets of twins would always say: "Yes, but they usually learn to walk first". LOVE IT.

[missicat]

My only comment when I see twins: I am a twin and it is the best thing to be!

Have fun with them...

[Lisa]

I agree with "missicat". I, too, am a twin (I have a sister....TOTALLY not identical, but people would still ask us if we were..... :)), and while I've often said I don't know the difference between having a sister and having a twin sister, I do think it's the best thing to be!!!

[Jen]

Hi Tertia! Long time lurker, first time commenter...

I just had to share that when I was in church with my mum a few months ago, we saw a woman with a toddler boy and twin baby girls who looked QUITE frazzled.

After the service, my mom walked up to her and said "You've got beautiful children. My daughter here was 3.5 when my twin boys were born..." And the woman just looked back at her and said "OH MY GOODNESS, YOU UNDERSTAND!"

My mum's words of wisdom? "Don't worry... it gets better once they all hit 20 or so..."

[Garnigal]

As someone who (sort of) has twins that run in the family, I completely understand that question.

It's out of fear.

From my understanding, having fraternal twins is genetically linked. It is also sex-linked (no duh). Therefore, being female with twins on both sides of the family, I have a pretty good chance of ending up with twins naturally.

I've already gotten the genetic ass-raping (Mom has perfect vision - I get Dad's crap eyesight. My grandfather had an essential tremour in his hands - I got it in my entire body and my voice. My mother's uncle had two thumbs - out of over 100 nieces and nephews and greatnieces and greatnephews, I'm the only one who got that as well), so I'm just waiting to be the one with twins.

It only makes sense - my parents had a boy and girl, leaving me, out of all my hundreds of first, second, third, etc. cousins to have fraternal twins on both sides of the family.

I suck.

[karen]

Actually, the does it run in the family question makes sense to me, too. My great-grandmother had 3 sets of fraternal twins. And boy, I wish some of that had passed along to me. Time will tell, I guess. :]

[Anna]

I'm all for telling people we conceived through IVF. I want people to know we worked hard and earned this child, dammit!

My brother is 18 months younger and people used to usk us (in our late teens) if we were identical twins. People are thick.

You know, it might just be me, but I can't think of a good reason why you wouldn't give any of your desired responses! I thnk you should go for it! I'm so glad to hear you're happy with your wee ones!

[Menita]

Yep, I tell people Polly is an IVF baby too. Not right away, but usually the follow up question to the intial "oh what a cute baby!" is "when is she going to get a brother or sister, " to which my reponse is "that probably won't be happening." The rejoinder is "oh you never know," and then I jump in with "actually, I do. It took a long time for her to get here - she's an IVF baby, an absolute miracle."
And that either shuts them up or gets them asking about IVF and off I go...
I'm all for coming out of the closet and talking about it and acknowledging it - there's bloody little education about it and IF in general out there.

[jc]

Am I the only one who thinks "Do twins run in the family?" is another way of asking if they are IVF babies?

[hilly]

My mom's best friend has adopted three children. The last two were boys, the older being 3 years old and Korean, the youngest being 10 months old from Taiwan. She used to get the whole, "Oh my goodness! Are they twins?!" ALL THE TIME. Yes, three years apart and different ethnicities! After hearing this almost daily for the first 2 months she had both boys, she finally said, "Wow, Americans really CAN be THAT dumb!" :-)

[Peggyp]

So funny you would post this today. I saw adorable B/G twins at the mall today and the mom was getting asked all of the above questions over and over again. I used to say I was going to get my twin boys shirts printed with answers to all the questions. It got to the point with my boys when they were preteens that they would tell people no never met the kid when asked if they were twins. Which really made people look cause they are identical.

[Penny]

Here's another take on the "do twins run in your family" question...
I asked a friend that when he told me he and his wife were having twins about a year and a half ago. My motivation for asking was more bordering on envy -- I'd love to have twins, and I guess by asking him that I was trying to gauge my own chances of conceiving twins (they don't run in my family). Turns out his sweet girls are the result of IVF-- which he told me that day.
Now I'll just stick to "THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL! HOW WONDERFUL!" which is what I usually say when I see twins.

[Sandra]

T,

I get the twins comments even though mine are adopted, 1 1/2 years difference in age and UNRELATED. I think something about a double stroller makes people lose the ability to see the contents of the stroller clearly.

I used to go into the adopted, same orphanage, different parents but now I just say she's petite and he's average size. And ALWAYS work in the fact they are adopted...for the same reason you say they are IVF. V.proud of all the hard work to get to them!

[serina]

You are in blog overdrive today! I love it! The twin thing, I have to admit, gets a bit tiresome. My boys are like night and day, just two little brothers born on the same day. So when people asked if they were identical, we would say, well, only ONE of them is identical, can you pick which one? So help me God, almost EVERY person had a guess!! As for the 'double trouble' line,every time someone said it, our then 3 year old daughter would pipe up with 'toil and trouble!' She heard it on a Halloween cartoon, but it was quite apt at the time.
Onto your braces,they will settle down, darling, I promise. In a couple of days they shouldn't hurt as much. They take a long time to get used to,I hope they don't taste too awful? I think you are very brave, better have extra wine every night as a reward!

[Jamie]

I've asked some of the questions too. Not the b/g thing but the "if twins run in the family" and stuff like that. I loooove to see twins and always make sure to tell mommy how adorable they are, and they always are.

My daughter passed away 2 and a half years ago but She and my 2nd son are/were 22 months apart. She was handicapped and couldn't walk so I used a double stroller for both of them. I actually had several..not just one but several people ask if they were twins when she was about 2.5 years old and he was around 6 months. How's that for dumb. I agree with the lady that commented about how seeing a double stroller must make people not see clearly or something.

[Jamie]

Menita, I wouldn't assume that when people ask if twins run in the family they must be secretly thinking that they are IVF babies. The thought has never crossed my mind until I saw the post on another blog asking that same question. I suppose it's possible that some people may think that way but not everyone. ;)

[JustJenn]

I have 3 year old fraternal girls and my biggest pet peeve USED to be the ... "better you than me" comment to which I always answered a resounding ... "yes - I agree - better ME than you!" but recently my new biggest pet peeve is when people make the "double trouble" "you have your hands full" "I don't know how you do it" IN FRONT OF MY GIRLS!!!! They are 3 for goodness sake you morons - they understand what you're saying and why you're saying it and what a GOOF you are! I always make a point of saying positive wonderful things in front of them when I get these stupid comments - they should internalize MY voice and not some stupid strangers. In fact, one woman kept arguing with me once about this .. the conversation went like this:

Her: Oh my double trouble!
Me: Oh NO! They are a double pleasure. I'm the luckiest mommy in the world.
Her: But you must be so tired and crazy all the time!
Me: My life and my children are exactly what I want them to be - we are all wonderful.
Her: You can't be serious - I can't imagine how you do it.
Me (getting louder and edgier): I am totally serious. My children are wonderful and so much fun to be with and its ok with me if you can't imagine how I do it - I'm sure YOU couldn't do it - I love my life and my girls.
She started to say one more thing and I was so annoyed that she just had to "prove me wrong" that I said "Goodbye" and just walked away.

I love all the "twin" attention we get and don't mind the comments really. Just people should keep anything negative to themselves (like noticing difference between twins (ie. height or weight or hair or eye color) especially when the kids are old enough to understand - people think kids are idiots. SIGH

Finally, I nursed my girls until they were 25 months and I LOVED telling anyone and everyone who asked - I loved the "now they can't take their bug-eyes off my boobs for the rest of the conversation thing" - CRACKED ME UP!

ENJOY!

[j]

We have IVF twins. My husband's brother has IVF twins. My husband's cousin has IVF twins. So when people ask if twins run in the family, we all say "No, but infertility does!"

[Danni&Nikki]

We are identical g/g twins and we get those ?'s asked all the time. There are some other ?'s we're asked too. like...
Which one's the evil twin?
Do you have ESP?
How come you don't dress alike?
Hello, we are 14 almost 15 and don't want to be a walking gimmic. There is one place we do dress alike though every year the first weekend in August we go to a twins festival in Twinsburg, Ohio (a suburb of Cleveland) we've gone since we were one. Almost everyone dresses alike even B/G twins. Any multiples can come. Twins feel very comfortable there and make friends for life. My Mom says she almost feels out of place not being a twin. Last year there were over 2000 sets of twins. It's a blast :-)
If you would like more info on the topic check out their website www.twinsdays.org or contact us at thing1dan@yahoo.com or at thing2nik@yahoo.com
Oh, one more thing we absolutly hate is when people we've known all of our lives call us "twin" and don't even try to guess who's who.
-Danni & Nikki

[micth nillama]

how will be the process of identical twins boy-girl?

[marie angel]

what is the process of the chromosomes of identical twins girl-boy? how they process inside the ovum? which the ovum has x chromosomes and the sperm get inside the ovum is y-chromosomes how can it produced girl-boy identical twin?

[Johanna Gordon]

I love that there are other people out there who get just as annoyed at the same DUMB questions as me.I am a mother of 1 year old b\b fraternal twins. My husband and I consider ourselves to be very blessed people. Double trouble NO! DOUBLE the BLESSING

[Jo]

Micth Nillama, and Marie Angel you cannot have identical b\g twins. Identical twins have the exact same dna obviously, boys and girls do not share the same dna.