Sigh

Guys, really, I would have thought you would know me better than that.  Have I ever, in over 500 posts, ever even hinted at being homophobic? 

Some of my fave and closest readers are gay – they are the people that I have private email conversations with, we swap personal details with each other.  I love love love these people. 

Hell!  I even included an option on my recent poll about whether you wanted to smooch me or not (I was actually bitterly disappointed that so few of you did want to smooch me – what’s wrong with you?  I am a damn good kisser you know).  Now, think about it, would I have included an option like that if I was in the slightest bit homophobic?

Fag is not a derogatory expression here, it is a sweet, funny, humorous way of referring to a queen – a camp homosexual person.  It is used by the gay community themselves.

I mean, really! I am actually a little hurt.  Actually more than a little, but any way. 

Comments

[Suzie-Q.]

Yay! I am finally first!
Tertia,
You did not come across as homophobic in any way shape or form.
I swear it!
You were just being your funny self and would have made a good joke about the doctor about something else if it weren't this.
You know there are always people with opinions.... that are goofballs.
You are the bomb!!
Don't sweat it!!!
Keep those smart cracks coming!!!
And , PLEASE don't feel like you always have to explain or defend yourself to those a-hole posters all the time.
You are above that.

[Rebecca]

Some people just need to lighten up and consider the source. I NEVER EVER EVER thought that you were homophobic. EVER,

Geesh....

[colicmommy]

Well, T, you didn't put in any pics of your teeth. My dh's relatives in Europe (some of them not all) don't have such healthy teeth, and I'm just totally turned off on kissing you until I've seen your teeth.

No teeth photo, no kiss. And that's final!

[Catherine]

Thank you for clarifying the different connotation in SA versus here in the United States, where "fag" is a disgusting offensive word. You seem quite flip in your response, but judging by the viciousness of your commenters, I don't know why I'm suprised. There is a whole side to this blog that I'd never seen before. Enjoy bashing me and calling me names to all of your heart's content, I'll be going now.

(Note: there were two other people who were brave enough to speak up and say it bothered them too - and how many people do you think were to cowed by the lynch mob to post? It's hard to post when you know you are going to be viciously attacked. Painting me as the lone lunatic will not work. There are other people besides me who care about this issue.)

(And PS Tertia, I don't know if you log IP addresses, but if you do, please go back and note that I have posted several times that I admire you, I find your blog fascinating, and how gorgeous your babies are. I am not some lone nut coming out of the woodwork. I am longtime, everyday reader of this blog. And the fact that I could be attacked so viciously and dismissed as an asshole and nutcase for being HONESTLY DISTURBED says quite a bit about your blog and your readers, doesn't it?)

[Karin]

I want to stand up for Catherine here, as I feel she's not really being treated very kindly. Now, I adore Tertia and I read her blog religiously, have for ages already. When I read the sentence with "fag" and "faggy", I was a bit taken aback. In the UK, I don't think we'd use the term quite so, um, lightly. However - and please note this - I didn't for a second think that Tertia was being homophobic, because it would be totally out of character. I was just surprised by her choice of words, and assumed that it must be a cultural difference. I really can't blame Catherine for asking for clarification, though. And I'm surprised that so many people felt the need to attack her. Why do women still have to hunt in packs? It makes me sad sometimes.

[Lioness]

Tertia, again, people reveal themselves in how they write, in what they choose to write abt. You are on all counts fabulous. If someone has doubts abt something you post, I say your blog speaks for yourself. No one who has actually read you - and I mean READ YOU - could ever see you as anything other than a good person through and through. There is NO other side to your blog really. Your commenters are NOT your blog and, as I said, your blog speaks for itself.

Don't make yourself crazy over this, please. IT SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

[Jen]

I didn't take it in a derogatory way. At all. Agree, internet MUST lighten up.

[Queenie]

I think Catherine is getting a bit of a hard time here for asking an honest question. I was a bit surprised myself to see "fag" used here, but instead of asking like Catherine did, I just assumed it was not used in the same way in SA as it is here in the US. I think, in the end, we all agree that Tertia is lovely and that we all desperately want to smooch her, right? :)

[Elizabeth]

Couldn't agree more with Karin and Queenie!

[Simonne]

Good god - I call my HUSBAND a fag all the time (I'm in NZ), and a Queen ...and a raging homo in disguise. He earns this completely by occasionally having better fashion sense than me. Mind you, usually after such abuse he threatens to prove otherwise to me with a pervy sneer.

[accidentalbeauty]

Tertia, I'm a total stranger, but I hope you aren't beating yourself up over this.

What I, personally, try to remember (particularly on the Internets) is that words are not defined solely by their primary definition; they are also defined by their context and source. If it seems out of character, then it's probably safe to assume that the intended meaning isn't the dictionary one. The context and cultural differences are often harder to glean in print than they would be in person, but most people got that you weren't being derogatory.

I do wish we could reserve the phrase "hate speech" for the real thing, instead of watering the term down until its original meaning is completely lost.

And T: What you are doing for Rose is remarkable. It actually kind of makes me want to make out with you. I mean, more than I already did.

You are G&D, as always. I hope the sleep training continues to progress apace.

[Simonne]

Oh, I might just qualify, that I have friends who are homosexual, and friends of friends who don't find it offensive. I think it's like a lot of things - it's not what you say, but the way you say it. There was an affectionate undertone, to my mind, in Tertia's post.

[ktcakes]

I didn't catch the drama leading up to this...but I know you are not a homophobe b/c you are in love with me.

[Shanna]

Wait a minute -- there was a poll about whether or not we wanted to kiss Tertia??? I totally missed it! How did this happen?

[Hazel]

I hate to get dragged into this one as it is so silly (in my humble opinion) and so off the point of the whole post but using the word fag doesn’t qualify as hate speech (by definition) unless it is used in a way to incite hatred or violence. Time to untwist those knickers!

[MollieBee]

T-

Will you make out with me?

[maia]

I do hope you take all of this with a grain of salt Tertia. Really. Some people just don't have anything other to do than stir the pot I guess. On the bright side I donated another $5 :)

[L.]

I always tell my Japanese husband that he dresses like a fag, and now that we`ve moved to San Franciso, this just might get to be a problem if guys start following him home.

Tertia, don`t feel bad. There is a very real anti-gay feeling taking over much of the U.S. right now, particularly after the last election, with anti-gay marriage propositions in so many states -- did you see this recent post on Blogging Baby, and some of the vitriolic comments? (BB is the blog that originally introduced me to your blog, incidentally.)

http://www.bloggingbaby.com/entry/1234000307052549/

Catherine, it`s no fun when people jump on your comments you`ve written on someone`s blog (I know, because it happens to me all the time), but keep in mind that the vast majority of Tertia`s 8,000 or so readers did not.

But what do I know, I`m just an asshole myself!

By the way, there were too many other choices in your poll, Tertia -- you should keep it simple and ask a simple yes/no, to see if people would kiss you or not. I would put money on "yes" winning!

[Rachel]

Echoing what Karin & Queenie said - in my case, I just assumed, from the rest of your delightful blog, that someone as G&D as you COULD NOT be homophobic. Absolutely not an option!

Yes, I know, I don't know you, and many a delightful blog is (are?) written by homophobes. I just thought that while Catherine's question was fair, it was highly unlikely that you hate The Gays.

In my (limited) experience, the word fag - like the word dyke, queer, etc - can be acceptable out of the mouth of straight folks, if I know for sure that the person is not homophobic. I have no trouble, for example, with my darling straight brother calling me queer.

[blackbird]

ohgoodfuckingchrist,
now we are gonna get all serious and throw accusations around?

notimeforthat.

love,
blackbird
whoreallyreallyreallyLOVESgaypeople.

[Amber]

Never once did I think you used that word negatively. Sorry you were misunderstood. Hate when that happens.

Now I have to go back & read all those friggin comments...to find out who said what. Cuz I am sooo nosey. I need a life. LOL!

xoxox

[Kay]

Just so you guys know, not everyone who voted for GWB is a homophobe. I have many gay friends and support gay marriage. I think it's insane that people would try to deny rights to others because of their choice of spouse. Who CARES? And whose business is it anyway? And HOW ON EARTH does someone else's marriage affect my own? I just don't get it.

I admit, I was at first taken aback by the "fag" word, but after reading the rest of the post in its context, it was no big deal. I couldn't fathom someone as open-minded as Tertia is on most issues would be a homophobe.

Catherine - I don't think there was anything wrong with the question...I do think the phrasing of it was a bit judgemental. I'm sorry your personal circumstances cause you to be so defensive.

[Traci]

Is it just me, or is the word "homophope" ridiculous anyway? I mean, is anyone acually "afraid" of homosexuals? There are some who don't believe that the homosexual lifestyle is morally correct, but I can't say I've every met anyone who was phobic of homosexuals. Let's lighten up, and don't be so quick to judge. We should all be allowed to hold our own personal moral values as long as there isn't hate or violence involved. And yes, it is possible to disagree with one's lifestyle without hating or wishing violence upon anyone.

[Paul]

Catherine i have no sympathy for you, you make yourself out to be a innocent person, who was just trying to "clarify" something?

why then if you feel like you've been victimized did you come back for more and more.
The original posts had nothing to to do with you!! you have a point of view, fine fair enough but who`s fucking blog is this!! if you had any respect for yourself or anyone that shares this amazing blog you would have gracefully left, and just left this blog to be the inspiration that it is to the all the people that enjoy it( Fags included).

Besides think about the original post: My sister a white south african going out of her way to help a balck south african,?? Surprised you didnt comment on that, what with her being a homo basher she would prob be racist too hey?. in fact screw that cause thats not even what it`s about,

Does that sound like some one who would : sorry what did you say "preach hate"

Sorry, to those of you that felt she was only asking for clarification... thats crap! read her comments

also you say:
And the fact that I could be attacked so viciously and dismissed as an asshole and nutcase for being HONESTLY DISTURBED says quite a bit about your blog and your readers, doesn't it?)

but you have just said that you have been a long time reader?? And how much you loved the blog?Are you a bit slow off the mark?
Not the sharpest tool in the shed are we?

Sorry love, but i really think you are a fucking joke...

Tertia pull these comments, this was supposed to be a good thing for rose,

[Rosemary]

Well, I would definitely make out with Tertia, but only becuase I've seen pictures of her lovely lips!

[BeckaJo]

I know you're not a homophobe, dear Tertia. It's all context. People just make the assumption that becuase you use English, slang means the same across the various borders.

I didn't take 'faggy' as a negative term, but then again, my friends and I refer to each other as fags. (I'm gay.) We also use 'queer', which a few years ago was a nasty insult, too.

[Rachel]

Oh dammit, I think I just offended female dogs. I used the word "bitchy". I need to make a donation to the humane society to pay retribution. OK, I'll stop. Just tired, like Lioness is, of everything being so over the top PC.

Rachel

[Kathleen]

Catherine asked for a clarification. I'm not exactly sure how she was supposed to know the inner workings of Tertia's mind on homophobia, but perhaps it's time to let Catherine off the hook.

Sometimes the internet takes me right back to grade school. The pecking order is just so clear.

[MayaT]

Awwww, c'mon now, let's be honest, we LOOOOVE to take offense. Those who were offended by Tertia's use of the word 'fag' (and yeah, sometimes a word used in one country has a slightly different meaning or connotation in another country - this should be at the forefront of your mind when listening to people from other countries) and those who were offended by the offense take by the initial offendees.

Your offense is offending me. Greatly. I feel faint.

Oh and Tertia? What you are helping Rose to do, is awesome. Completely awesome. And I will be donating a few $ through my boyfriend's Paypal account so please keep the link up.

[colicmommy]

Wait! I totally take it all back! I found a photo in your photo section where you can clearly see your G and D teeth.

Oh, man, you'll need a restraining order out on me now, lady! RRRRROAR!

[projgen]

Oh, crap, I was going to stay out of this, but I need to point out something. Indeed, there WAS nothing wrong with Catherine's asking for clarification. But, in my opinion, the request turned into an attack when the comment about hoping T wasn't a homophobe was added.

Ask for a clarification, fine. But don't include inflammatory commentary if you TRULY are concerned and want an answer.

For the record, T, I said I'd kiss you. And with your efforts for Rose, now I'd even give you tongue.

[KatS]

I AM gay and admit I was a bit startled by Tertia's wording in the last post, but I also know from being a fairly "old" reader here, that she has never struck me as homophobic, so I just chalked it up to her feeling comfortable enough with gay people to use the language, sort of a bonding (no, not bondage) thing. I was startled but decided not to be offended.

[dawna]

It's wonderful to see that at least in some places in the world people aren't so oversensitive and having protests and riots over what term is polite enough to refer to their community/sexual preference/ race/ religion. Here in America? Absolutely rediculous. Some black people get offended if you call them black, but then they get offended if you call them "African-American" It's a no win situation and most of the time you're sitting around going "How does one go about describing someone to someone else if every term I use is offensive??" Oh the joys of being an American, nothing is every quite good enough.

[Rebecca L.]

must chime in to support both tertia, who i love from afar, but really also catherine. the etymology of the word 'fags' is quite stark-- since cigarettes are called fags in britain, when homosexuals were killed during the holocaust they were stacked up on top of each other, leading some of the SS to call them fags.
since i've learned the origins of this word, the image it conjures is so terrifying that it gives me a start, even when it's used affectionately, as obviously it was in tertia's post.
i think tertia is so big-hearted that obviously she wouldn't have meant anything derogatory (obviously) but also, you can't blame readers for feeling shocked at the word.

[Kathleen999]

I remember being surprised by the words "fag" and "faggy" but the context didn't seem derogatory or hateful so I didn't think any more about it until Catherine's post. I understood that she needed to post to clarify it, but it would have been better done in email, I guess. I'm sure she wishes she had written an email after all this.

Other than that, I think the whole thing has gotten blown way out of proportion. I know Tertia meant nothing bad, and I feel pretty sure Catherine didn't either. I think she feels attacked now, which explains her subsequent posts.

Let's get back to talking about babies and boobs now, shall we? And let's all have a nice big glass of wine.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

GWB voter, non-homophobe here.

I would have had raised eyebrows if T had posted that Rose couldn't use that doctor because he was a fag, but that wasn't the gist of her post at all. I myself don't use that word. But really, if we're going to respect others we have to respect non-PCers too, don't we? I too noticed the terms of affection T uses for her dear friends and in that context, "fag" is pretty bland.

Miss Manners reserves her sharpest reproofs for those who think it's their place to monitor and correct others. I can imagine what she'd say to someone who thought it was their place to call Tertia to account for language she used on her very own blog.

(Hope the sleeping thing is still going well. Every step towards independence is bittersweet, isn't it?)

[Socal]

I'm in the U.S. It's a big country and the word 'fag' is used here without a negative connotation. Maybe not everywhere, but in some everwidening circles. We live in a gay neighborhood. We hear it all the time. We use it all the time. Our gay friends refer to themselves as fags all the time. I get voicemail messages all the time "Hello Socal, its me your fav. fag. We're all going out tonight. Want to go?"

T. everyone who has been reading your blog for a week would know you aren't a phobe. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding you had to deal with. It isn't hate speech in the right context.

We were at the San Diego Pride parade the last weekend of July. The super Christians picketing at the parade were holding up signs that said 'God hates fags', 'Fags will burn in hell'. I can promise you that the offensive parts of those messages to all of us were the "God hates" and "will burn in hell". The title, fag, is increasingly becoming inoffensive here.

Anyway, at the end of the day, remember who you REALLY have to justify yourself to: Marko, Kate, Adam, the rest of your family, and your friends. To me, it looks like you're doing just fine.

Big wet kiss girly.

[Socal]

Reread my post and feel compelled to make the following disclaimer since I don't need a bevy of email in my box.

I have nothing against Christians. I used the wrong phrase when I said 'Super Christians' What I should have said are 'so-called Christians'. Genuine Christians wouldn't be standing out on that parade route yelling hateful things at us. They would have been offering bottled water for those of us marching, since it was a warm day. The real Christians were there too doing just that.

In my humble opinion, Catherine could have privately emailed the Sweetpea and asked her to clarify. All this muck could have been avoided. The most that would have happened is Tertia would have clarified. Easy Peasy.

[BeckaJo]

Just a comment on 'fag' not being offensive in the U.S.

It is - again - a question of context. When my sister refers to me as a 'dyke' or a 'fag', I get offended, becuase she means it that way. When 'fag' is used by someone who is ignorant and unaware of the history of the word, then it's offensive. But in those contexts, the word 'homosexual' or 'lesbian' becomes offensive.

I don't think there was anything offensive in Tertia's use of the word because one, she's not predjudiced, and two, she's from a different culture where the word doesn't have the nasty and hateful history.

Geez, isn't a person allowed to say ANYTHING on their own blogs any more, without having to defend themselves?

[Carrie Jo]

Socal's comments interested me since I live in the "gay" neighborhood of san francisco and it's much the same here. However, there are a lot of gay people here who believe it's acceptable for gay people to call each other "fag" or "homo" but not for straight people to do it. It reminds me so much of black people in the US (and other places I'd imagine) calling each other "nigger (or nigga)" but being offended when a white person does it. I think it's all silly. You can call me all the derogatory names you want and it won't hurt my feelings. And yes, I have been treated with prejudice too. Especially being straight in a gay neighborhood. There have been times when we wouldn't get any service and restaurants, mostly when we first moved to this nieghborhood. Now that everyone around here knows us it's way different, but...I don't know. There are so many people that complain about the prejudices against them when they are doing the very thing they claim to hate.

[Ninotchka]

Weird what people gather from certain posts. One of the very few "hate mail" posts I've gotten on my blog was from someone who was offended that I referred to a woman as a very large woman (in the context that she gave me a big hug and who hasn't had a relative in their lives that are large and give the best, most comforting, enveloping hugs?).

Very curious this thread. I didn't even flinch at the gay/queen/fag references. I have lots of gay friends too who have no problem identifying themselves as such and WORSE. I eat it up because I love self-depricating humor. I also have friends of different ethnicities that poke fun at themselves and I'm Puerto Rican and constantly make fun of that too.

It's all in jest for God's sake. People just need to lighten up.

Also, if your usage of those words have garnered such a negative response, I guess I shouldn't admit here that I often tell my husband and my (male) dog to "get a room" when they're cuddling on the couch like two "homos."

I'm a horrible, horrible person. I know.

I also should stop speaking to one of my good (male) friends who often calls me "Bitch." Oh wait, I guess that doesn't count since I call him a bitch all the time too.

For the record: he's not gay.

LOL

[Chris]

Too funny! I am almost tempted to suggest Faith is from the Redneck South, but that would put me in her category of "assuming".
Anyway here in NY "fag" has its own unique definition. In the words of a gay friend I showed Tertia's descriptive post to " Not all gays are fags - but this Doc appears to be one.". (Such as all lesbians are not "butch", while others wear that title with pride, affirming how and what they are.) And he did NOT mean it in a derrogatory sense. "fag", at least here, implies how one PRESENTS themselves and their sexual orientation. ANYONE who is in the Freddie Mercury-mode, presents themselves in that way, most likely wants to be viewed as "fag". And has no problems with it, nor their sexuality (good for them I say!).
So Tertia, don't beat yourself up, and know that most of us know where you are coming from. Hell - I didn't even thing twice about the gay-angle until you brought it up in this post.
And tell Rose that after many years I am finally taking the time to set up a Paypal account - and finish doing it all this time! I am so hoping that this blog can not only raise the funds for this "project", but also have some left over to buy her some new bras and a few tops to show-off her new figure. And of course, some leftover for a good children's charity.

[Manuela]

Ok.. first off... NO you aren't a homophobe... and while I might cringe at the use of the word 'fag' here in North America... I would most certainly filter that through my knowledge of who you are. AND recognize that North American lingo... is... GASP... not necessarily the lingo of the entire world.

Ethnocentric fucks.

Anyway.... what I'm REALLY happy about... is this post gives me a bogus opportunity to tell you something delicious! Well... at least it was for me... a couple weeks back after you and I exchanged a couple of joking emails about exchanging juicy open mouth kisses in lieu of the $000's of dollars you've recently saved me... well... I had this CRAZY dream that you flew to Canada to visit me... that we flirted, partied, and danced like crazy... and then... yep... we messed around! DAMN... you ain't kidding... you're a DAMN fine kisser.

Thanks for allowing me to share...

[Shevon]

What Karin said.
I think everyone should lay off of Catherine. Tertia can take care of herself. She's a big girl. And I really didn't think Catherine was being mean. If I saw "kike" or "nigger" on someone's blog, I would say something - ask something, whatever. And there are a lot of us who would never dream of using the word "fag" just like we would never dream of using those other words.
Tertia, if my husband says it's okay, I would *love* to make out with you. But you have to pay for the plane ticket and the hotel. These goodies don't come for free, you know!

[Lisa S (et al, aka Stolidoli)]

Well, this American girl considers herself a "fag hag" and no offense was taken. Just in case you were worried and all.

I'll also jump on the (much smaller) bandwagon and say that I didn't think Catherine was being mean to Tertia, and perhaps she's being slammed too much.

I am clearly hard to offend (but often offensive myself). Ah, the irony!

[Judy]

I so love your blog , Tertia - thank you for sharing so much of your life with us!

[b]

tertia, as you will be so very busy w/all the ladies here who want to kiss you and whatever, ...

would you mind to terribly sending Marco over to MY place?

i mean, after all....provided he's uhm not uhm...well, you know...that f*g word.....

[gaymommy]

wow...i don't check since this morning and look what i miss!
anyhow, tertia is not a homophobe, and hopefully most people know that by now. in fact, i think she has a crush on me.
fag is a commonly used word here, in canada, but i do know of lots of people who would be shocked to hear it...particularly those that have nothing to do with the queer (yes that word is ok too!) community. I remember when a bunch of dykes, oops, i mean lesbians, from boston were visiting and they were shocked that we called ourselves dykes. oh, fags, dykes, queens, queers, bi, trans, lesbians, gays...we're all here...and we're parents too :)

[Suzie-Q.]

Wow!
This one generated an awful lot of juice.
Tertia, does it ever occur to you that the reality show that is your blog could be syndicated for money somehow????

And, BTW... in my world the word "Fag" is used quite frequently to describe wimpy behavior, ugly and old clothes, and, out of date hairdos... as in, "That outfit is so faggy"!!!!
My sister and i still call each other fags when acting ridiculous having ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with being homosexual.
Tertia.... BTW, i would kiss you and i am completely straight just b/c i think u rock!
kisses!!!
xoxoxo

[Suzie-Q.]

Wow!
This one generated an awful lot of juice.
Tertia, does it ever occur to you that the reality show that is your blog could be syndicated for money somehow????

And, BTW... in my world the word "Fag" is used quite frequently to describe wimpy behavior, ugly and old clothes, and, out of date hairdos... as in, "That outfit is so faggy"!!!!
My sister and i still call each other fags when acting ridiculous having ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with being homosexual.
Tertia.... BTW, i would kiss you and i am completely straight just b/c i think u rock!
kisses!!!
xoxoxo

[korin]

Jebus. This went all over the place. Love you, would make out with you if given the chance, and I've never even kissed a girl! Yes! i'll let you be first! :D as long as we can make a video. ;)
Serious chill pills needed. serious.

[Naomi]

I'm skipping to the end of the comment thread to say that the key thing people need to remember is that this is the World Wide Web, and English as spoken in South Africa is different from English as spoken in the U.S. There's an old joke about the U.S. and Britain being divided by our common language and that clearly applies to the other countries in the world where English is spoken as a native language by some of the residents.

I'm from the U.S., but spent a year living and attending school in England when I was 13. I got tripped up by all sorts of words that meant something different -- probably the funniest was "fanny," which in the U.S. is an old-ladyish euphemism for your butt, but which in England is an X-rated term for the vagina. Kind of like saying "cunt." I used it during a discussion in my English class. Everyone looked rather shocked. Fortunately, I didn't find out until years later what I'd said.

[brooke]

hey tertia, as someone who is a straight activist for the lgbtqi community, i totally got that what you said was ment in the kindest heart. i didn't read any hate into it, i didn't read any disrespect into your comment. i'm sorry you got hurt by people's comments. i'm sorry people didn't see your comment in the light you wrote it in.

[brooke]

oh, and tertia.. if you ever find yourself in eugene, oregon, usa.. track me down, i'll give you a big ol' SMOOCH. ;-D

[Bridgette]

I knew 2 things when I read that post. One, that you didn't mean it in a bad way. Two, there was gonna be trouble anyway. I hope this goes away quickly.

[k72]

Actually, I don't see how Catherine or anyone else has a "right" to ask what Tertia meant. It's her blog and if you've been reading along and have any sense, then it was obviously the terms don't have the same connotations in the US as they do in SA. Big whoop.

So Catherine backers, please stop saying she has a "right" to ask that question. The only rights belong to the person who owns the blog. And besides that, it was so painfully obvious that she was not being a "homophobe" that this is getting a little stupid.

[SuMMer]

Tertia, you are incredibly Gorgeous and Divine, and you already know that you've garnered a huge elsbian contingent(I'd like to appoint myself the leader, so I can get extra Tertia make-out sessions). I have been called many things, and been violently gay-bashed in my past, and I agree that everything is in context. If it's not meant meanly, who cares.

[ej]

This is stupid, indeed. Mostly because 3 minutes of online research about cultural linguistic differences would offer an answer to Catherine's question more quickly than posting the question. Asking oneself, "Has anything else I've read on this blog speak to homophobia? Does the historical evidence concur with that conclusion?" should have put the matter to rest in Catherine's mind. Unless, of course, one wants to stir the pot.

[Sarah V.]

I’m seriously disturbed by the reaction Catherine has been getting here.

She asked a sodding question, folks. Yes, the way she asked it could have been better phrased and was definitely slanted towards an accusatory tone. And a couple of the people who took her to task have focused on that. As far as that goes - fair enough. But it seems to me that the main reason people are bashing her is because she dared even to ask the question in the first place. Because…. because….. that implies that Tertia is less than perfect! And that can’t be allowed! We all adore Tertia, and that makes her a goddess who can’t put a foot wrong! We all know that only Reeeeaaaally Bad People (you know, the sort with horns and a tail, to allow for handy recognition) are homophobic! Heaven forfend that anyone suggest that our darling Tertia might be such!

That goes beyond friendship and support, and into cliquism and hero-worship.

For the record – Firstly, I also adore Tertia. I wish I knew more people like her in real life, and, hell, if it wasn’t for our husbands and the intervening thousands of miles I’d probably smooch her too. And secondly, I didn’t think that post was homophobic either. Questionable taste, maybe, but I’d have let it go by.

But I don’t subscribe to the idea that just because Tertia is a great woman, that means she’s perfect and could never possibly put a foot wrong or be out of line and that therefore anybody who dares to raise any kind of criticism or questioning of her actions is automatically in the wrong. If someone had an issue with something I wrote on my blog, I’d want them to say so. Politely, yes. But I wouldn’t object to someone asking me about something on my blog in the same tone that Catherine used. The way people have reacted is out of all proportion to anything she actually said.

Just FYI, everybody – It is possible for an otherwise good and wonderful person to be a homophobe. I wish this wasn’t so, but it is. Sometimes – often - homophobia comes from ignorance rather than from evil. Besides, people don’t divide simply and straightforwardly into the categories of Good and Bad anyway, no matter how much we’d like to believe they did. No, I don’t think Tertia is a homophobe. But I also don’t think that the argument “Tertia is a wonderful person, therefore you should know that she’s not homophobic!” holds water. I don’t think that asking whether she is one is the Unforgivable Wrong. And I sure as hell don’t think Catherine should have been treated the way she has, just for asking.

[scott]

If gay people weren't funny, then will and grace and ellen degeneres would be hoboes, rather than ho... oh gees, that was bad.
You are v. tolerant and friendly, even to your trashy s, suburbs friends! Don't worry, t.

[Kirsty]

Hey Tertia, I would totally snog you - you look pretty damn fine in your pictures.

I just added 5 bucks to the boob fund, I'm sorry it wasn't more but I'm skint at the moment. But hey, every little helps.

Just another totally unoffended bisexual reader...

[reenie]

Catherine,

I haven’t read any of the other responses since your comment, but I wanted to say that of course, the word “fag” would be offensive to someone who knows it only as a hateful, derogatory word. In fact, the word “fag” is only offensive because of what it has come to mean in some areas of the world. To someone like Tertia, that’s not what it means. I can understand your upset, but I also understand that Tertia is writing about her experiences to her readers. In this setting, she should be able to say things to her every day readers and expect them to take them as they’re meant. We have been reading long enough to know that’s not what she's not homophobic. She has been reduced to apologizing after every 3rd post it seems…she shouldn’t have to do that.

[reenie]

'scuse the typo - sorry.

[Thrice]

It would seem to me that Tertia is too anal not to appreciate many of the homosexual stereotypes.

I just want to clarify in case anyone misconstrues. I am not talking about Tertia's anus or her desire for anal sex, but her love of organization, her punctuality, her love of being S G&D (Svelte Gorgeous & Devine) her general style, discipline etc.

[Karla]

You homophobe.

Ha, just kidding. Don't you hate it when uptight people comment on your blog? I love to get comments, but every once in a while some humorless prick will comment and make it clear that they just "don't get it."

To them, I say, "Fag!"

[Dana]

Have nothing to say regarding the current scandal of semantics, but must confess my crush on your brother has deepened after reading his post defending you. Another confession, I was one of the few who voted that I wanted to kiss you!

[alex]

In my part of the US, we use a word that starts with f and rhymes with nanny to describe the posterior. It is an innocent word and also a popular womens' name a few years back. My mother used to describe those touristy waistpacks. Until she said it around a woman from new zealand, who turned purple with embarrassment and never spoke to my mother again. Apparently, that word means something slightly different, and substantially more x-rated, in other english-speaking parts of the world.

For the record, I was a little shocked by your phrasing too, since I'm from a deeply homophobic part of the US where I've heard that word used positively maybe twice in my lifetime. But I figured I probably was reading my own cultural context into it. To be honest, I'm glad Catherine asked so that all the people who were quietly unsettled could figure out where the miscommunication was. As they used to say of England and the US - two nations divided by a common language.

[alex]

my mother used to use it to, rather.

jeez. A bazillion dialects of english and I can't use any of them.

[Kate]

ROFLMAO @ Ninotchka!

Everyone really needs to lighten up. Seriously.

[lorrie]

I want to kiss you. With tongues and everything. When are you coming to the Carolinas?

[Kel]

Oh my gosh... I don't sleep for a few weeks, miss a few days of your postings and miss the hole fag bashing/homophobic conversation! Right up my alley, so to speak.

I once had someone, not terribly bright, but awfully pretty ask, "So homophobic must mean you are afraid to go home?" Perhaps that is what the idiots meant.

Sorry I haven't been able to get to the survey either... I'm too "married" to say I'd smooch you, but don't doubt your talents on any level. I'd go for a peak at your tatoo anytime.

Kel