I didn’t tell you this story when it happened, because, well, it was such a total mindfuck that I needed time to digest it, and then of course the babes made their early arrival.
Let me go back a year and a half ago. Last year, after Ben died I was just about at the end of whatever inner strength had kept me going for the four years of my infertility. I was bone tired and just wanted a baby. Options like donor egg and adoption were things that I had explored and was very keen to pursue, if it were not for the fact that I kept getting pregnant every time we did an IVF. The fact that I lost those pregnancies was due to back luck rather than anything specifically ‘wrong’ with my inner bits.
However, after Ben’s death, I had enough and so Marko and I decided that we would pursue adoption, knowing that it would not be easy for us to get a baby. We had no idea how hard it was. Turns out it is easier (and far cheaper) to do several IVF’s than to find a white baby for adoption. And yes, we wanted our baby to look like us. Call us selfish, call us what you will, but I wanted a baby who looked like us.
The waiting lists at the government adoption agencies were full, and there was a three-year waiting list. I couldn’t even get on the waiting list! So the only alternative route was private adoption, which was much more expensive. But we went that route and signed up at two agencies (I first researched several agencies, and also looked at international and mixed race adoption options), paid our fees, did all the paperwork, went for the interviews etc. And then we waited. And waited.
And we heard nothing. Not a word.
In the mean time I decided to try another IVF while we wait. And Kate and Adam were the result of that.
But because of my previous losses, because right up until the end I still couldn’t allow myself to believe I might actually end up with a baby, I didn’t take my name off the waiting lists. I just left it there.
A year later, and a week before the babes were born I got a letter in the post saying that we had been selected for the short list at one agency. My heart was in my mouth when I read the letter. I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even tell any one. I needed time to digest the ‘what if’.
Then, the following Wednesday, the 05th of Jan, at about 6 in the evening, I get a phone call from the other agency to tell me that there is a little baby girl for me, due in a few days time. My whole body went cold and then boiling hot. I started stuttering and stammering and told the woman that I was actually 35w pg with twins and that it looked like I might actually end up with a baby or two. She was so sweet and so happy for me. I started crying on the phone and I told her that I just knew how happy some other mom to be was going to be to get this gift.
Two days later the babes were born.
Of course you wonder what if. What if we hadn’t tried that IVF, what would our lives have been like then. What did that little girl look like? That little girl could have been part of our family.
But the story doesn’t end there. The following week my sister calls me and says “I know where that little girl went”. I said what little girl, and she said the little girl that was almost your daughter.
A friend of hers, an acquaintance rather, one I had never before met, had been trying for a baby for years, she is about my age, a bit older. She had decided not to do any assisted reproductive procedures and had put her name down on the waiting list for adoption.
Well, as you have most probably guessed, the little girl that almost became my daughter went to her and made her dreams come true. What an incredibly small world it is.
This weekend I got to meet my ‘What If’. It was so surreal. The little girl and her mom were at my nieces’ birthday party. My sister told me she was coming. I didn’t want to stare or make the mom feel uncomfortable (she knows the whole story), but I could help looking at her and wondering ‘what if’. At once stage another friend of my sister was holding Adam and was speaking to the mom of the little girl and Adam and the girl were smiling at each other. Do you know how strange that felt? Two worlds colliding, the ‘what if’ and the ‘is’.
The little girl is gorgeous, dark hair, dark eyes, petite. The mom looked so proud, so happy, so perfect. I hate the phrase ‘meant to be’ (people LOVE saying that shit about losses and infertility ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ etc), but in this case it really felt like it was meant to be, that some strange alignment of forces was in play. Because that little girl looked like she was meant to be with that mom, they both seemed so happy and in love.
I can’t even tell you what emotion I feel, I feel so many emotions at once. I am so happy for the other mom, but I have to say that I felt a bit sad, a sense of loss. I know that sounds silly. It is just so overwhelming. All the ‘what ifs’.
The world is a crazy place. Crazy. But sometimes, in amongst the craziness, there is a happily ever after somewhere in there. In this case for more than just one of us.
Tertia,
Did you consider adopting the child even though you were pregnant?
Posted by: Shevon | 26 June 2005 at 07:57 PM
Hi Shevon - I might have, if I had been pg with one, I am not sure, but with two, no. I dont think, in fact I know, I would not have been able to handle three babies. And additionally, I knew how many people are desperately waiting for a baby, it wouldn't have been right of me. There are so very many parents to be who have been waiting for so long for a child.
Posted by: Tertia | 26 June 2005 at 08:03 PM
So many thoughts to dive into and contenmplate....
One thing (among the obvious many) is evidence how strong the motherly bond is for our babies. Babies that never get the chance to live, ones that we have not met, adopted ones, and the ones we love everyday have such a strong tug on our hearts. Almost as if the dream is enough to love an undefined bond. Crazy. It makes me wonder more about the "meant to be's" and which children have a direct route to our hearts.
Posted by: alex | 26 June 2005 at 08:14 PM
The interconnection of our lives is so very strange. You probably would of wondered about the 'what if' for ever, wondering if she was loved enough. You were able to finish that chapter, to see that she is truly loved by her new family. Absolutely wonderful for you. She will always hold a special place in your heart.
Posted by: Louise M | 26 June 2005 at 08:29 PM
This post was so beautiful. So touching. Its amazing how life turns out.
Posted by: Amanda | 26 June 2005 at 08:30 PM
That is truly bizarre.....
It must do your heart so much good though to know that the little girl did get adopted by a wonderful family.
Posted by: Rebecca | 26 June 2005 at 09:01 PM
That is one of those things that is truly out there in left field. Life is so strange, and you never know how things will turn out. Thanks for telling us about that!
Posted by: Melissa | 26 June 2005 at 09:21 PM
I'm so glad that little girl made her way into a happy home. Everybody got a happy ending! It's so crazy how stuff just works out sometimes.
Thanks for telling us that story. You gave me chills...
Posted by: Shannon | 26 June 2005 at 09:42 PM
how wonderful to have been able to meet her. I usually stay away from 'what if's, but in this case, it's all healthy and lovely
Posted by: Thalia | 26 June 2005 at 09:43 PM
Tertia, even though I've never struggled with infertility, your what if touches a strong cord. It is so human to visit the what ifs in our lives. So moving, and I am happy for all of you.
Posted by: fisherwife | 26 June 2005 at 09:46 PM
That is beautiful- I got chicken skin reading it. I'm so glad the story- actually all three stories (yours, the little girl's, and her mother's) - have a happy ending.
Posted by: lisa | 26 June 2005 at 10:00 PM
Whoa.
I have a few "what ifs" in regard to children joining our family, but it would not be physically possible to track them down... they don't really exist, at least I don't think so.
But that's quite a story you have there. It would seem it has a happy ending for everyone, but that doesn't eradicate the mind-fuck factor.
Posted by: Mollie | 26 June 2005 at 10:02 PM
Wow - seriously wow!
Posted by: Bec | 26 June 2005 at 10:11 PM
That really is a beautiful story. I am curious, though, how your sister knew that that was the particular baby that would have been your daughter?
Posted by: Becki | 26 June 2005 at 10:32 PM
Wow. From the title, I thought your post would be about Brad Pitt, but I see it's not THAT kind of "what if" story. Yours was better.
How wonderful that you got to meet her and that she's doing well. Maybe you could be an extra "godmother" for her or something.
Posted by: Lisa S (et al, aka Stolidoli) | 26 June 2005 at 10:38 PM
I love "things working out for the best" stories.
They keep me clinging to this idea that there is order in the universe...
Posted by: ktcakes | 26 June 2005 at 10:40 PM
I wonder if 10, 20 years down the line you will still look at your "what if" daughter with a mixture of emotions... What if she will become your daughter in law? ;)
Posted by: Tatiana | 26 June 2005 at 11:37 PM
This is so amazing... Do you think that girl will ever learn what happened back then? Would you tell her one day, if her mother didn't mind?
Posted by: Ute | 26 June 2005 at 11:41 PM
Wow! What a great story! I really am so glad that the little girl ended up with a Mum who obviously adores her so much. Sounds like she deserved it too!
What a surreal day that must have been for you! Was Marko there?
Posted by: Melissa4444 | 27 June 2005 at 12:19 AM
You know the world is such a smaller place than we ever imagine.
Most of us don't get to see our "what ifs" play out in real time.
And how wonderful for the other mom that she got her dreams answered within days of yours being answered.
Posted by: Boulder | 27 June 2005 at 12:26 AM
(wiping tears away)
This is so touching. Being adopted and having done IVFs to get my twin boys, I can appreciate the magnitude of your story. I am a firm believer that people end up with the children they are supposed to have. Plus, knowing the ache (what an understatement) of wanting a baby so badly, you know what a gift that phone call was for that mother. To hear she was getting a sweet baby girl must have been so euphoric for her. What great closure for you to see her complete a family, the way Kate and Adam have for you.
Beautiful story, Tertia, truly beautiful.
Kathy
Posted by: Kathy | 27 June 2005 at 01:08 AM
I've read this 3 times before commenting. The emotions are almost too much to handle, but so glad that the story has such a wonderful ending - for EVERYONE involved!
How beautiful that you got the closure of seeing another family completed. That must make it feel so much better to have let go of that "What If."
Posted by: Woodys Girl | 27 June 2005 at 01:26 AM
Whoa.
Mindfuck.
But a good one.
Posted by: Moxie | 27 June 2005 at 02:06 AM
Wow...Amazing...Don't even know what to say. I am so happy everyone involved got their happy ending.
About 7 years ago, we were presented with the opportunity to adopt a baby boy. The mother already had a son, and was due in a few months with another boy. This baby wasn't her current boyfriends child (the first son was) and she was barely able to support the child she already had. I was so excited! Then she changed her mind. Then she lost custody of both boys. The state took them away from her. I hope those 2 little boys got a happy ending to their story.
Posted by: Bridgette | 27 June 2005 at 02:15 AM
talk about amindfuck. my god.
i do get goose bumps with disney movies, but Tertia, those are well deserved goosebumps.
i dont really beliee in things that are meant to be, at least not all the time, but well...that does sound like it was meant to be, like fate decided to jump in and give you, and Adam and Kate and that little girl and her mom, exactly whjat all of you needed.
Posted by: vanessa | 27 June 2005 at 02:35 AM
To overuse the old adage - things happen for a reason.
Lots of reasons behind this one, and most we'll never know, but it is a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Judy | 27 June 2005 at 04:28 AM
How wonderful... How wonderful that when you got the call you had your two babies on the way and by some magical fluke met the woman who was blessed as a result of your good fortune.
Mind blowing for sure as if it wasn't for the babes THAT little girl would have been YOUR sunshine and light. All in all everything worked out for all. How bizarre you got to meet them! I am willing to bet she was delighted to meet you and the G&D babes that made HER dreams come true :)
Posted by: maia | 27 June 2005 at 05:19 AM
I know what you mean...being totally greatful for the gist you have received upon the path you have chose yet being able to see in plain sight one of the gifts you would have been blessed with had you chosen that path. It really is amazing. You are quite lucky to be able to see close up the gist you passed on to someone else. I can tell how glad you are that you have the gifts you have now, little Adam and Kate, but there is still that poingnant lingering feeling of wonder. That's what is so great about being human, I think is being able to experience such rich emotions...
Posted by: Carrie Jo | 27 June 2005 at 05:39 AM
Wow, that is an very cool story. midfuck indeed!
I was just wondering how common transracial adoption is in South Africa. Not judging you at all for wanting to pursue adoption of a child that looks like you but I'm guessing there must be a tremendous need given the impact of AIDS. Does it happen much? How is it viewed in general? I would also imagine that given the very recent history of racial oppression it must be a minefield of issues.
I agree with you in this case at least that everything worked out and ended up is exactly as it should be.
Posted by: Amy E. | 27 June 2005 at 06:49 AM
Goosebumps indeed.
T, what an amazing and beautifully written story!
Posted by: Minna | 27 June 2005 at 10:42 AM
Wow, that was an amazing story and so happy that you shared it with us. That had to be so heart warming to see that little girl so happy. I'm sure it was meant to be and everyone in IF world hates that saying but this is a whole different meaning to "meant to be". Wow!
Posted by: Charmaine | 27 June 2005 at 10:46 AM
Tertia,I don't know if you believe in fate, kismet, whatever, but this little lady was meant to meet you, if not necessarily go with you. Now your worlds have collided and maybe thats all you are meant to see of each other. Maybe you will continue to meet, who knows? Either way, it's the universe's way of telling you this is how it was meant to be. You still feel connected to her and that's a good thing. You are one special G&D woman. She is a lucky little girl to have met up with you.
Posted by: serina | 27 June 2005 at 10:55 AM
WOW. That was amazing. It's amazing that you got to meet her. That you know where she is and how happy she is
Posted by: Melany | 27 June 2005 at 12:24 PM
Amazing story. My little what if is still asleep in the next room. I had a m/c one month before conceiveing him. We were supposed to be on that 3 month hiatus after having a m/c and I didn't think I could ovulate so we dtd. Little did I know that I would get pregnant with my son. I often think back, what if I hadn't lost that baby, I wouldn't have my beautiful son. And how empty my life would be without him. But I wouldn't have known...so weird. Thanks for sharing your story
Posted by: Shannon | 27 June 2005 at 04:21 PM
How amazing. It is a small world isn't it?
Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Karen | 27 June 2005 at 05:16 PM
All I can say is WOW!
My Mom is adopted. My grandmother was told she couldn't have children so she adopted her. My Mom had SEVEN kids. My "Abuela" adored us all and was such a kick ass person. I adored her. I often wonder what would have happened if she hadn't adopted my Mom. Crazy how life is.
I think eventually all things fall into place. Even if not in the place we would have originally planned, if that makes any sense at all.
Posted by: Ninotchka | 27 June 2005 at 06:02 PM
WOW!
Posted by: andrea | 28 June 2005 at 10:59 AM
What an amazing story. I know how you feel. An ex-boyfriend of mine is still friends with my parents. Last summer he stopped by their house while I was there. I knew he was married and had 2 kids. He brought his 3 year old son with him -- and I felt that pang of loss and strange sadness because the little boy looked exactly how I pictured our son would have looked, had we had children together. I couldn't stop sneaking glances at him, and my mind kept saying "what if??? that would have been my child" Wild.
Posted by: Kristin | 28 June 2005 at 03:17 PM
De-lurking to say how much I enjoy reading about you and the babes. Isn't life incredible with all the amazing "What if's"? So very happy that you have your g&d babes!
Posted by: Lori | 28 June 2005 at 04:38 PM
Wow..so amazing. I met my daughter for the first time this weekend (I am adopting) and then today they called me about a possibility of 3 girls needing to be adopted. But I already have my girl now. What if? :) But I'm so happy with the one I have.
Posted by: Michelle | 28 June 2005 at 07:20 PM
Thanks for sharing your story. I thought that it was touching. I am sorry for those who look at this blog and see negativity. Everyone will see adoption differently based on what part of the triad they have the most experience with. Keep sharing because your thoughts do help others!
Posted by: HopefulAmom | 26 June 2007 at 04:44 PM