Star Signs

Apologies to all those I failed to offend earlier.  Here are your horoscopes in full.

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.

SAGITTARIUS
You are gorgeous and divine and everybody wants to be like you.  However other jealous signs will say that you are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

Edited to say these are not my own, I got them off the Net. Just in case you think I wrote them up ;-)

Comments

[Joy]

Right on, Tertia!!! This is the best daily horoscope I have read thus far. At four months of pregnancy, for this Taurean, I DO smell like piss (ye olde bladder lets me down). I might as well NOT be wearing underwear because it hardly covers my expanding ass. I think you should consider astrology part-time....*smiles*
Keep on blogging...

[Alana]

I feel so much less offended now. You should do a weekly horoscope. Good stuff. And you nailed pisces (my ex is one) right on the head. How did you know about my nose picking enjoyment though? You're like psychic, right?

[Erin]

Woo hoo! I'm a Libra, so I am a selfish, slutty ... ASSHOLE. How perfect a description is that? So if anything you ever possibly write in all of your life offends me, I will of course forgive. That's what we Libra chicks do. Besides, I'll probably be laughing too much to notice it would offend me. ;-)

[Lioness]

Whaat?? NO chandelier sex for Pisces, just good-will? BLAH. And doesn't everyone masturbate at weddings?

Now I need to climb up there and smack Alana across the mouth. If you'll excuse me.

[Alana]

stop making me giggle dammit. I'm supposed to be having a bad day.

[jenny]

You forgot how easily hurt and oversensitive us Cancers are, and how we are stubborn and never want to leave the house. Come on, now! Get it right....

LOL

[asil]

Personally, I'm offended that Pisces is always at the bottom. I'm sure there's some astrological reason that I'm always at the bottom (geeze, just like in real life), but I'm offended. How's that for seeing the best of any situation?!

Please don't stop blogging. I start my workday by reading your blog, so you're like my morning coffee!

[Diana]

Tertia, I never believed in signs, but this describes me to a tee:
AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

Lol!

[Stephanie]

Who wants a labrador puppy in fishnets? Please, a hound dog in seamed sheer stockings is SO much better ;-)

[Boulder]

My husband begs to differ.

He says, "no way you can be called a whore with the amount of sex going on in this house."

You are still a bitch.

[Jan]

You described me as an anal whore. If only I knew that before - I could have made far more money than being an attorney for the last 15 years. sigh......

[Tine]

Hey, you called me (a Libra) an asshole! Coming from you, I know that's high praise. :)

[SheilaC]

If you believe that astrology stuff, then people of the same sign are not compatible and should never marry. Ooops! I am Aries, DH is Aries, and our triplets were born prematurely and fell into the Aries category as well. That's right, 5 of us the same sign under one roof. Supposed to be constant war, right?
No wonder nobody ever invites us to their weddings. LOL!
Very silly, thanks for posting.

[Jan]

Here's another anal whore named Jan. It certainly does keep one tied up in knots.

[Lioness]

Pisces = NOT pricks, Pisces = prick-TEASERS.

Surely that's what you meant.

[Tracey Dixon]

You nailed me!!! LOL

You know, I really don't understand people who come into another person's territory (read: blog) and then feel they need to inform the writer that they were offended.

HELLO! If you don't like what was written, then don't come back! It wasn't written TO YOU - it was written in a general sense.

ACK! Seeing all your apologies frustrated me for you, my dear. THIS IS YOUR BLOG. If people don't like what you say, there are thousands of other blogs out there to read. Heck, they can come read the crap my junior high kids blog about. That's a load of boring, inoffensive, dry crap to read... but you won't get "offended".

Sigh. I'm sorry you have to put up with this.

XOXO

[Judy]

"A mean self-centered cunt..."

I'm a capricorn, and I try hard not to be this, but it is okay if I call my SIL one of these? She's a Pisces but fits this bill perfectly!

[Judy]

Oh yeah, the Pisces write up fits my SIL to a T. Moron should be her middle name.

Do ya think I have issues with her??? NAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Blair]

As a fellow sag, I would also mention that the "horrorscope" (that is intended to be funny) failed to mention the sag tendency to take things way too personally...

[dish]

Well, this Gemini is terribly offended...or am I? Hmmm, so hard to make up my mind.

[Jaine]

Neurotic? Yes. Schitzophrenic? Hmmm...not sure. Shut up! Shut up! Stop talking to me..."sometimes I feel more fulfilled, making Christmas cards with the mentally ill..." (tsk, tsk, did I offend anyone?) A fucking weirdo? Totally and proudly.

[Ninotchka]

Hey, I'm a Sag too and also brutally honest and yes, it gets me in trouble quite often. But, what can you do? :)

[Melissa]

Ha! Those are funny. My husband and I saw a version years ago and mine had "Most Scorpios are murdered." He still says that to me every now and then. I know it sounds horrible, but it's funny to us because those things made us laugh and laugh.

And yes, I think most Americans are overly sensitive. I'm American so I'm judging myself as well, but I think it's true.

[Tree]

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!

And please DO NOT quit blogging!!! I love you and those G&D babies too much and would miss you terribly!

[Stacey]

small animals?

I SCREW BIG ONES THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! I'M SO OFFENDED BY THIS POST I'M NEVER READING THIS BLOG EVER AGAIN!!

;)

[Louise]

Wow, the Aries horoscope was spot-on for this little ram. In fact, I am going to two weddings this summer, and I plan on masturbating at both of them. Twice.

:)

[Irina]

You're doing a great job! (at blogging, I mean, not offending) : ) Keep it up! By the way, I'm American and I love unPC stuff! Stay yourself!

[Jenny]

I'm sorry, but I can't help but giggle at the PETA hatemail you are sure to get with all the sex w/ animals references.

Tertia, I think you are G&D!

[Jen-earthchild]

I am a true Gemini...I did kill myself to win a bet once and I fucken lost! How is that for irony?

ROTFLMAO T!!!

[Lily]

Just write whatever you want with no explanations and fuck anyone who gets offended. Ignore them.
I'm serious. I'm so sick of everything having to be worded so perfectly because some prissy loser is going to get their panties in a bunch over every little detail.

[susan]

You nailed me (Taurus) for sure.

Wanted to respond to your last post too. Anyone who reads regularly knows you're being funny when you talk about how gorgeous and divine you are, simply because of *the way* you say it. Regardless of what you look like, you're an articuate writer. Your sense of humor comes across clearly.

And please - before you ever think of stopping to blog (stopping blogging just didn't sound right. sort of like stopping smoking. anyway...) just close the comments sections on every post except those where you're specifically asking for feedback.

That's what I've noticed a lot of my favorite bloggers end up doing eventually anyway. Some people just don't know how to "read" humor and some simply have no sense of humor to start with.

Don't waste another precious minute explaining yourself or apologizing to them when you could be spending it making me happy (by posting) or spending time with your chillens.

[See? And you thought it was all about you. Wrong. It's all about me. Yes, even your blog is all about me. That is all.]

Love you T. Keep on abloggin.

[lynne]

I can't believe that people get their knickers in a twist daily over something you've written in your blog. By golly, if you don't like someone's point of view on life (and I think your splendid by the way) don't read their blog. Do people realy think whiney/offensive emails to the offender are really going to change someone's opinion? But what do I know I'm a neurotic, confused Gemini...

[scott]

Damn. Now my secret is out. Thanks Tertia. From someone born on the 30th of November...

[Jill]

I get offended easily. Actually, it is more like I get my feelings hurt easily. Nothing you have ever written bothered me. And if it did? Well, here's an idea - I would stop reading! Why don't the offendees think of that? Because they would rather whine about being offended than look elsewhere.

This post was terrific. As was the one before that. And the one before that. And the one.......

[Karinsamira]

HAHAHAHAHA!!

That was a funny one!
Oh, please don't stop blogging, that would be such a loss. I mean, if anyone feels offended, then he or she could just skip the post. Anyway it is your blog, write whatever you want!

Karinsamira

[Michele]

I'm a Cancer, and that horoscope is dead on. I did sell my younger brother's left leg to make enough moolah for my cell phone.

[Tammy]

Tertia,

I have read my horoscope several times throughout the day, and each time it got an equally wonderful laugh. You are, hands down, one of the funniest people I've ever read. I'm all the way in Alabama, USA and I can't do without my daily dose of Tertia!!

[Mary]

I do like to screw small animals....

[Kathleen]

Finally! A Virgo horoscope (whore-o-scope?) that describes me perfectly!

[cursingmama]

I dunno - I'm a Gemini and it totally didn't mention the two-faced bitch part, I think they could use a little more work.*
*Typed with a Heaping Helping of Sarcasm**
**Will we ever get past needing to footnote when a heaping helping of sarcasm has been dealt?***
***Of course you are G&D so you read the sarcasm, but in case someone thinks I am serious; well, I felt the need to footnote.

[Bridgette]

Isn't it fabulous being a sag? Everyone is jealous of us. :0

Please, please don't stop blogging. I'm developing a nervous twitch just thinking about it. What would I do if there wasn't a daily note from you?

You are gorgeous and divine T!

[emma]

Hee. I'm a Leo on the cusp of Virgo (how the hell do I know that I wonder to myself); but reading this I'm definitely more Virgo.
I just told my man I'm a slut, and he's excited to get home tonight ;)

[Jess]

Delurking to say that I've been reading your blog for months and, despite being an American, I have managed to never once be offended. You rock! I love your posts and yours is the only blog that regularly has new posts! Reading your blog inspired me to start one of my own, and it's been so good for me to have that as an outlet...though I haven't had people sending me emails demanding I apologize either. I would say that in the future, unless you really feel that you said something out of line or something that could be truly misinterpreted, don't bother apologizing to the blog world or the asshat who's complaining. It only gives the whiners the attention they're craving. That's another thing about us Yanks, we ADORE attention, even if it's bad attention (as evidenced by our willingness to appear on shows like Jerry Springer). We're an odd lot, don't take it personally. :)

P.S.- The babes are absolutely beautiful! Getting so big so fast!!!

[Charmaine]

I LOVE you Tertia, you always make me smile and sometimes like today you just make me laugh like an idiot at the computer by myself and no one here knows what is wrong with me. You are the best not to mention G & D!

[dawna]

I'm a cancer, and what a hilarious horoscope. Honestly, I wish they were always that amusing. But, in reality, I totally suck at making money.

[21stCenturyMom]

All these years I thought I was a fuckwit and it turns out I'm a cunt. Who would have guessed?

[inkadinkadoo]

Short-time lurker here, typing with only one hand as I have one finger from the other hand up my nose...when I sent this one on to friends, I did move the Sag G&D to the beginning of my forecast - you nailed my Cap sister to the wall!

Adding two cents here: it is your blog, don't change it, don't apologize, eff 'em if they can't take a joke.

I get very offended by people who are easily offended.

[projgen]

See now, I woulda thought Cancer would be "you are likely to *commit* murder."

Huh. Guess that means I can stop paying my nerdy, non pre-paid hydro bill.

[bp]

Did i mention i am a libra in any of my other posts?

a RECOVERING libra. I'm currently in the flirtaholics twelve step program.

and tertia, ask any writer....controversy sells big time.

where's the book honey?

[z.]

and now i'm suppose to be a forgiving libran?? man! you're really destroying my life!! i should probably shout to you or something

[gkk]

This post didn't offend me, it horrified me. I read mine and hubby's and then decided to read my kid's when it occoured to me I don't know their star signs!!! Bad Mummy! Whomever has that WWM crown better hand it over...

I'm married to a Sag and yes, they are G&D, and they have been known to use soppy movies to increase their chances.

[Another scorp]

Ah, but the best part of being a Scorpio is picking your nose while making small animals solve puzzles before you screw them! Ha ha ha!

[Jen/VintageUterus]

Wait a minute!

I'm the offensive blogger around here, lady! It's ME ME ME! Trying to get in on the act, hmmm? Next thing I know you'll be writing about islands and pregnancy boats! HA!

I'm on to you, missy! ; )

[Anonymous]

First I'm a slut, now I'm an asshole. I prefer the latter. I'm definitely an asshole. But my hubby will testify that I'm not a slut (not anymore). Heck, we're not even sure I'm a woman anymore. When was the last time I had sex? Say, that would be two years ago when I got pregnant. Sigh!

[Haley]

From one G & D Sagittarius to another--please don't stop blogging! You are...well...G & D and I love learning about your life and your family.

[roseee]

"You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss." this is quite true of me! =))) hahahah

[Bee]

Aah well I am a Virgo chick. Say no more say no more. Nudge nudge wink wink.. hehehe

[neety]

Spot on about Aries. It made me worry though - were people watching? Who noted the incident with the lebanese cucumber and how did they know I was Aries?

[Sheri]

you rock girlfriend.....totally rock. I love your blog - I read it daily and thank God you post alot! I can't tell you how thrilled I am when I log onto your site inthe morning, with a cup of coffee and there is a fresh post from you! Always, always good for a few chuckles.

Keep blogging Tertia and I am a Pisces and do live in a dream world

[ManhattanAnne]

All I can say is thank God I, like you, am a Sag. We got off relatively easy on this one. (But do you really expect us to believe you found an internet horoscope that said Sags were G&D?!)

[wessel]

It's really unfortunate to be born on the cusp of Aries and Pisces . . . .

[Becki]

OMG! I'm thousands of miles away, how did you know I was picking my nose?!? Oh, sh*t, forgot to turn off the webcam again....

[Angela]

*Gasp*

OMG! How did you know?!

"A mean self-centered cunt..."

Absolutely - but like Judy - only to my SIL :D Ok...and sometimes to the public. Hmmmmm..."...and a closet homosexual."
But darling! I came out already! *ROFLMAO*

"Your best friend is probably an altar
boy."
Well, no. Of course not. We don't HAVE any altar boys in our Catholic church. ;)

*kisses*

[David Carey]

Love It, Love It, Love It!!
Thanks for giving me the best laugh ive had in ages.
Your right about Aries bye the way

[zodiaclove]

yo
I don't agree with what you wrote really....
please explain in detail a bit more for me ;d


thanks