What it was like growing up white in apartheid SA – The Truman Show

One of the hangovers from the apartheid past is guilt.  How could I have lived so ‘normally’ during this time, oblivious to the horrors that were going on?  How could I have just accepted this as the norm? Why didn’t I stand up and do something about it?  It has plagued me for very long.

I am not going to give you a history of apartheid because it is already so well documented, but in a nutshell, the government of the time had many covert and overt laws, systems, rules and regulations that ensured that white and black people never mixed.  Black people were not allowed to live in ‘white’ suburbs, never mind that these were often previously ‘black’ suburbs where the people were forcibly removed from their houses. In fact, the Pass Laws ensured that the movement of black people was severely regulated and restricted.  White and black people were not allowed to cohabitate, marry etc.  In addition, the state controlled all the media.  All the news channels and papers were state controlled.  Ordinary white South African’s got shown a picture that was vastly different to the dreadful reality.  Only within the last few years are some horrifying stories emerging through forums such as the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (as chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu).  Hidden mass graves, horrible beatings, murders, terrible abuse, large-scale plots.  Hideous.

I grew up as a white South African, living in a privileged, sheltered environment.  The reality that I grew up with was that white and black people lived separate lives.  We lived in different areas, we traveled on different transport, we went to different beaches.  There were white schools and black schools.  Black schools often had no electricity, no sanitation, often no classrooms.  White schools had plush sports fields, big classrooms etc. 

I have images of going to public places and seeing separate toilets, beaches marked “Slegs Blankes” meaning Whites only in Afrikaans.  I thought that was how every one lived.

I was not exposed to, or aware of the terrible abuse that went on behind closed doors.  My reality was that black and white people lived different lives.  I didn’t hate black people, I didn’t fear them, I didn’t know them.  I was kept away from them, not by my family, but by the government who ensured we never mixed.  The only black people I knew was our nanny, whom I loved dearly, and a chap who worked for my father who seemed part of the family.  But when they went home, they went to a place I knew nothing of.  Out of sight, out of mind.

As crazy as this may sound, as much of a terrible excuse, growing up I honestly had no idea what was going on behind the scenes.  You could say ‘but surely you must have questioned what was going on?’  But if you are brought up with that reality, if that is all you ever know, all you ever see, all you are ever told, it becomes your reality, you don’t question it.  Those that did question the system were kept under police surveillance and often jailed and harassed, or even killed.  Ignorance is not excuse, and yes, I should have done more, challenged the system more.  It is for this reason that I still feel so guilty.

It was only until I went to university at age 18, that I came into contact with black people my age, on an every day, peer-to-peer level.  And for the first time I began to learn about what was going on behind the wall of enforced ignorance I lived under.  It was 1986, the time of political turmoil and uprising.  There were demonstrations on campus and police retaliation.  The army was called in, classes were disrupted, chaos reigned.  I think that was the turn around time, it was after that the government of the day realized it could no longer suppress the black people, that either they lift their draconian laws and unbanned the ANC, or else they would face a bloody war.

Fast forward to 1994 and our first democratic election.  Many white people lived in fear of that date.  It was obvious that the ANC would win the vote, and white people lived in fear that there would be total chaos, that there would be bloody fighting, food shortages, murder and mayhem.  White people stockpiled food and supplies in preparation for the war of retaliation that must surely come.  Well the day came with minimal violence.  It was a beautiful moment, seeing queues of people miles (kilometers) long, queuing up to vote for the first time in their lives.  I stood in the queue to vote for hours that day, it was my first time voting as well.  What an amazingly special day that was.  That was the birth of our new democracy.  We have had 10 years of freedom so far, and as far as I am concerned, it just gets better and better.

Sure, there are problems here.  There are unacceptable levels of crime, there is way too much poverty, way too much unemployment, too much corruption and fraud, but there is also so much hope and new opportunities for those who never had those opportunities before. 

I love it here.

________________________________________________________________________

I’ve asked Rose to write up a post on what it was like growing up black in the old SA.  I hope she will do one, I think it will be v interesting to compare the two perspectives. 

Remind me if I forget, I want to talk about the difference in lifestyles between the rich and the poor, between black and white.  I need to paint a picture for you of what it is like for someone like me in every day life, someone who is white and relatively wealthy, and someone who is black and poor.  The difference is startling and depressing. 

Comments

[Isabel]

I won't ever forget the feel of anger and hurt and desolation when I first realized that our Government and Police were lying to us. How they were trying to cover up their deceit. I love my country with all my heart. I am proud to tell anyone when they ask where I'm from, that I hail from the beautiful South Africa, but in the back of my mind, I will never be able to forget how we were lead by our noses. As you said so eloquently, we really didn't know any better. Thank you for being able to tell our story so honestly.

[Geek's Girl]

Interesting post Tertia.

I'm a white South African and growing up I never even realised that black people and white people lived completely different lives. It's easy to ask why we never questioned these things but really, living here, there just seemed that there was nothing to question.

I remember the referendum in 1991, seeing people I went to college with encouraging those around them to vote NO. It struck me as stupid and short sighted. Unfortunately I was still not old enough to vote then so my first shot at making a difference came in 1994.

I remember standing in the queue, waiting my turn when some people said that a bomb had exploded at the airport (I lived in Kempton Park at the time) and the response of those around me (all races) was "anyone hurt? no, oh well, that's not so bad then" and they continued to wait their turn. No panic, no hysteria, we were all there to make a difference.

Despite the TRC hearings, I only really got the message about how bad things were in SA when my neighbour, also named Rose, told me about what her life had been like under apartheid.

But you know, despite all that has happened to her she was one of the loveliest and most friendly people I have ever known. In her own way she was a great South African. Actually we all are. Sure, there are extremists on all sides but for the most we all want the same things, food, shelter, and a safe place for our kids to grow up.

Okay, I think I'm going on a bit much here. Suffice it to say that I do agree with you on most things, except the guilt.

I can't change the past,but I can do some small thing every day to make the future a better one for all South Africans.

[Joy]

My senior neighbor is a black South African. Everytime he speaks of his childhood there, he couldn't hold back the tears. He said that even when walking on the sidewalks, the paths for blacks and whites were separated. But he says things at least have started to change there.

[Sheri]

I am addicted to reading about this. Your blog is cause for some lively dinner conversations at my home. Thank you for describing and sharing what life in SA is/was about. I can't wait for more.

[Katie]

Thank you again for posting about this. I've been studying post-apartheid SA for quite some time now, but have yet to make it there in person. Your posts help put a human face on a country that is desperately misunderstood by many. I'm greatly anticipating Rose's account of apartheid. I think that many people want to hear these stories but are afraid to ask. Anyway, thanks again, can't wait to hear more!

[Lily]

Guilt is only appropriate when blame can be placed. No one could place the blame of a nation on a child who knew no better. When you became an adult with the opportunity to think differently, you did. You are a good person, don't feel guilty.
Very interesting to me, it's like being able to go back in time and read what it must have been like for many white southern Americans in the middle of the last century.
Last night I had a dream that you wrote a post that Marko was cheating on you! lol. I commented that I didn't think he was, he loves you too much! so I was relieved to see a post about SA this morning, haha.

[katie e.]

i was 14 when those elections were held in south africa, and i remember seeing the miles and miles of people on the news. i remember it made me cry, and it made me vow to never miss an opportunity to vote, because clearly it was an important & valuable opportunity. and i never have!

thanks for your posts like this.

[s]

No, Lily, it's YOUR husband who's cheating on you. Haha! See, not so funny. Why would you even say that?

[Judy]

Tertia, thank you so much for your insight and your honesty. We are about the same age - I recall a lot of the things you are talking about that happened while I was in college and the early part of my married life. I remember how much the events in SA changed pretty much the world's perspective on human life.

Thanks again for sharing something so intimately close to your self and your heart.

[Kam]

These are great posts, T. You and I graduated the same year, and while things were starting to boil in SA, I was taking a seminar on SA history with a good friend from Cattlehong and went to a huge march in DC to end apartheid. My college was the first in the US to fully divest, at the insistence of the student body. What an exciting, scary time that must have been for you. We all watched and cheered you on here. I'm sorry you feel guilt--I suppose that's inevitable, though certainly not warranted--but love to read about the joy and hope and pride you feel. SA is a beacon to the world. Thanks for playing a brave role in creating it, and for sharing your throughts about it all with us.
smooches,
K

[MollieBee]

The thing is, if we don't talk about it, it never goes away. These conversations are painful, but healing.

[Rosemary]

I was in high school in Perth, Western Australia in the late 1980's and we had many, many expat SA in my school and my community. (Only a short hop across the Indian Ocean, and a very similar lifestyle to SA in some ways.) Many of them were so torn. The expats seemed to be people who had the opportunity to learn more about what was going on because of their jobs(lawyers, doctors, teachers, university professors)and they somehow had to balance speaking out and changing things, with protecting their families. All one needed to do to start a huge argument was to ask if they thought they had taken the easy way out and left.

It took many of us Australians a long time to learn that they would actually be killed, stalked, harassed, jailed, livelihoods cut off if they did speak out. We couldn't understand how that could happen, as it was way beyond our own experiences. Many of my school friends parents had terrible struggles with their own consciences about leaving their country to its fate, protecting their own family and making a difference from the outside.

Thanks for your post Tertia.

[Meredith]

I appreciate your candor and willingness to share your story. I can't wait to hear what Rose has to say. These are healing words and ways you've got going here. Thank you. I remain glued.

[Jill]

Thank you for this Tertia. By sharing your history, we realize how similar many of our countries' histories are.

SA looks and sounds beautiful. Keep writing!

[wix]

wonderful, tertia. thank you for sharing! i'm still reading, just being quiet these days. lots to think about.

[Expat]

I met some SA women on holiday in Scotland once. Previously the only South Africans I'd known were immigrants to Australia.

What really struck me was one girl describing when she started at uni, and a black girl telling her that what surprised her most about university was that she was actually smarter than a lot of the white girls. She had been kept so sepereate that she truly believed it when she was told people with white skin were all smarter than her.

Amazing, the level of brainwashing.

[beth]

Are there any rich blacks or poor whites which then make the whole situation more complex? It can't just be so dichotomous anymore, since SA has come so far. But, what do I know, I live in nowheresville, USA.

[xta]

thanks tertia for a fascinating post and photos. here in the states life is still very much segregated along economic lines. many times that plays out along racial lines (whites tend to have more money-live in nicer neighborhoods, blacks tend to have less money live in run down neighborhoods or projects). it is still very sad but without access to education and then better jobs i think it will be a very slow change. your description of life in south africa is very encouraging. i used to NEVER want to visit africa-too much crime and poverty-but now i have changed my mind. thanks!

[Meganann]

Thank you Tertia, for that very sensitive and enlightening post. Over here in the US, we don't get a whole lot of information about what it was like then and there--and there are some interesting paralells with whites and blacks here and in SA.

[eve]

Thanks for sharing. Studying the myriad ways that humans hurt each other is painful and depressing, but if we don't talk about it, we can never learn from it (at least that is my opinion.) I'm glad that SA now has a more optimistic future.

One thing I am curious about, probably due to my complete lack of geographical knowledge and what not... but I often hear about atrocities taking place in different parts of Africa as a result of warring tribes and factions. Are those near SA at all? Do these things affect daily life in SA? Does SA government participate in peace-keeping efforts in this way, or are the African nations more discrete and separate?

[Elizabeth]

Have you ever thought of writing a memoir/book? That would be in your spare (ha) time of course. Your willingness to observe your experience with such open expression, such honesty, that is rare. Thank you for doing so. So Close has been a refuge of mine for well over a year.

[Angela]

Hi Tertia,

This is a fascinating post and thank you for sharing this information. I can appreciate your feelings about apartheid and yes, it's no secret that the former government hid things from its people - it's certainly not the first time in history that has happened. My mother is German and a lot of the German people were deceived about what the Nazis did to the Jews until it was too late ...

I am Australian and our country is dealing with similar problems but on a smaller scale but it shames me deeply that our Prime Minister refuses to apologise to the Aboriginal people for our predecessors' abuses. I think the only way to go forward is to openly talk about it and only then can forgiveness (of a sort) come. In our country it has been ignored and swept under the carpet, adding to the hurt and injustices commited against the Aborigines. To the new and improved future of SA!

[sol]

V. interesting post, thanks for sharing. The pictures and your explanations about SA sound so similar to the way we live in Argentina in many ways... without the apartheid, of course, but we do share the enourmous differences between the reach and the poor, the high rate of crime and the years of dictatorship, persecution and murder. All this to say, I totally understand where you are coming from. Hopefully, our two countries will continue in the path of freedom and democracy, achieved after so many years of sacrifice and tears.

[andrea]

Well unitl I read "Cry Freedom" in my teenage years (mid 80's) I have NO idea what really occured in South Africa.

[Janonymous]

Thank you for your honesty and letting us know what it was like. Please tell Rose we would be honored to hear her story.

Is that a Rhodesian ridgeback dog in the photos of your house? I love that breed.

Jan

[Monk]

You were young so I'm taking you out of this. But the rest of the world did know about the two seperate worlds existing in South Africa. We're not talking the Soviet Union here. Weren't international newspapers available? Couldn't people travel? I'm not sure I understand exactly. I'm not claiming that I would have risked my life/livlihood/children's safety in order to make my feelings about the system known. I'll never know. But I do think that educated, white adults knew what was going on and need to take some responsibility. Or do I just not get it?

[stepcorrect]

When I was in jr. high my dad would ask my 'big sister', who's parents came from SA, about how she felt about apartheid. I was completely embarrassed and she was just in high school, but now I get why he'd ask. He just asked the wrong person b/c she grew up in the states.

I'd love to hear Rose's point of view too on things too. The pictures were interesting in that there are heavy bars but then open field. Very interesting.

[Jamie]

Thank you for sharing this, and I hope you will share more. It was extremely interesting and educational.

[Neety]

I can't wait to hear Rose's story. I wish I knew more black people. In Sydney I've only seen a couple, and one of them asked me for money. Pretty sad when that's the only interaction we have. If they weren't so seperated from us, maybe that wouldn't be the only view of Aboroginal people we have. It's so sad, they were here first and they get treated like shit. We white people suck.

[Amy]

The whole white guilt thing is so interesting. I have it and I think most whites (or at least most white liberals) do to some extent. I grew up in the US so I know our experiences are very different but emotions are universal. On the one hand I think how can I feel guilty for something that someone else has done. And doesn't the guilt just build new barriers between people. But then I feel that even if I am not complicit in past or present racism I benefit from it and I know this. I think that is where the guilt comes from for me. I benefit from it when I walk into a store and no one follows me around assuming I will shoplift. I benefit from it when the police don't pull me over for no reason. I benefit from it when I get hired by someone who I later learn is a racist and realize that I would never have even been called in for an interview if I had a traditionally 'black name' or attended a historically black university. And while I realize that there are instances of reverse racism and affirmative action which would benefit others over me I still know that the subtle and overt 'benefits' of white skin and European heritage in our world far outweigh those instances. So in a way the guilt is warranted. And in a way it isn't a bad thing because it is a constant reminder of where we have been and where we never wish to return. And it makes us work that much harder to try to strive for equality. It is a complicated issue. Thanks for writing about it.

I'm also curious how different your parents’ (and others in their generation) views are on race in SA. Obviously since they were adults during apartheid they have a different perspective and a different responsibility. I'm not condemning them (my grandparents where privileged whites living in the American South during segregation so my family has its own skeletons in the closet) I'm really just curious.

[Amy]

Oh...and I wonder how different everything would have been if the internet had been in wide use during that time. It is pretty hard to truly censor information these days. I wonder if things would have started to change sooner if free, censorship free forums like this had existed.

[Anna]

I'm delurking to thank you for sharing this post. I'm a NZ'er and a huge rugby fan. I don't think (?) you're a rugby fan so you probably won't remember, but the Springbok tour of NZ in 1981 basically divided the country.

Since that time I've had a huge interest in the SA political situation, but generally through a rugby 'filter', if you know what I mean. There was a rugby situation a few weeks back where a Sydney player (I've been living in Sydney for the past few years) made a racist insult to a black SA player, and was suspended for a few matches - which has been a HUGE source of heated debate over here.

Please encourage Rose to write a post, as I'd be interested to hear her thoughts. But I would also be interested to hear more of your thoughts about the 'new' SA, so please keep it coming!

[KellyH]

Infinitely interesting, Tertia. Thanks so much for posting about your life and country.

I'm also curious if your dog is a Rhodesian Ridgeback. Good thing to have in SA, if you ever have a lion wander into your neighborhood. (kidding, kidding)

A bit off topic, but I'm curious about the weather there- is it always warm? Is there a rainy season?

[S]

I didn't know crime was such a big deal there. Is there a particular kind? Is it the kidnapping (of adults too) kind of thing, or more minor stuff?

[R]

Guilt can be a healthy emotion on occasion - it keeps the mistakes of history from being repeated. (Or if enough people felt that way, it would actually have that effect. I'm thinking global history here, not SA specifically.)

My dissertation advisor is from SA, and left b/c he could not be okay with what was going on there. But I know he has an affection for that landscape, and I suspect he misses the place in some ways.

Very interesting stuff!

[Kat]

Tertia, thanks for such interesting information on SA and appartheid. The wife of one of my husband's best friends is from SA. Her fairly wealthy (white) family was involved in educating black children in the early 80s, and they had to leave SA very suddenly or her father would have been arrested and killed. They spent a couple years as expats in Australia, then emigrated here to Northern California in roughly '86, when she was a loudmouthed, street-smart teenager. I met her when she was 22, and I've known her almost 8 years. Our girls play together, and we're v good friends. But it's strange that I've never asked her much about SA. On the one hand, I think the memories are hard for her so I don't want to pry. But on the other hand, I take for granted how scary that must have been for her, to know that a few hours meant the difference in her father's life. She has shown us a few pictures of her childhood home, and I know she'd love to go back some day.

BTW, glad that the 12 week mark is seeming easier for you.

Love your blog and just don't always comment because I figure you get so many comments who can say it better than I can.

Kat
Maternity Genes

[Blair]

I grew up in a priviledged home in SA (but in my case it means South America). The line between the have's and have not's is huge... and there is so much corruption that it seems like it will be a never ending cycle.
I had a nanny that took care of my brother and myself, she did everything for us, and we just accepted it. As a grown woman living in the USA I would probably be horrofied to see how we lived, but that is how it was and still is done. I once asked a friend why she had a maid when she really did not need one, and she said it was her moral responsibility to do so... that she had the ability to pay for someone to work and that she had to as a form of "noblese oblige"...
I can relate to this post, the indigenous folks are often treated horribly. My mother once took our nanny to eat at our country club, everyone was shocked and many called to complain... Our nanny was and still is one of the treasures in my life.
Anyway, I can also understand the guilt too.

[Anne]

T thanks for the great post about life in apartheid SA. Granted I live thousand of miles away but I remember having a lot of pride in humans when SA had free elections, I can only imagine how much more intense those feelings must have been in real life vs. just something I read about in the news/saw on tv.

Regarding living in SA and with white guilt, here in Hawaii we’ve got some similar issues, granted not anywhere near as polarizing as apartheid. My family has lived in Hawaii for several generations and I had members of my family on all sides of the overthrow of the Hawaiian Monarchy – eventual Hawaii statehood issue and for a long time I’ve felt a lot of guilt about what White people did (both here and around the world) in the name of colonization. My recent response has been to put aside the guilt and to be educated and respectful of the cultures and the place that I live, it sounds like you’re doing the same

[Ceanne]

I do think that there was a whole heap of brainwashing in aparthied South Africa, just like there was (is?) in Jim Crow America.

Your post made me think of a quote from one of my favorite historians, Timothy Tyson. "The power of white skin in the Jim Crow South was both stark and subtle. White supremacy permeated daily life so deeply that most people could no more ponder it than a fish might discuss the wetness of water. Racial etiquestte was at once bizarre, artibrary, and nearly inviolable, inscribed in what W.E.B. Du Bois termed "the cake of custom." A white man who would never shake hands with a black man would refuse to permit anyone but a black man to shave his face, cut his hair, or give him a shampoo. A white man might share his bed with a black woman but never his table. Black breasts could suckle white babies, black hands would pat out biscuit dough for white mouths, but black heads must not try on a hat in a department store, lest it be rendered unfit for sale to white people. Black maids wahsed the bodies of the aged and infirm, but the uniforms that they were required to wear to work could never be laundered in the same washing machines that white people used."

But there were some who saw and crossed the color line or else we wouldn't have the Nadine Gordimers, the South African Liberal Party, the Association of Southern Women for the Prevention of Lynching ( a USA group) etc.

Keep telling your story Tertia. There is another great essay on the "invisible knapsack" of priviledge that you might find interesting to your context even though it was written in the context of the US:

http://seamonkey.ed.asu.edu/~mcisaac/emc598ge/Unpacking.html