One of the (many) crap things about infertility is that you can never plan ahead. Oh, in the beginning you foolishly think you can. You say things like ‘oh we can’t go on that holiday in July because I might be pregnant by then’. Cue hysterical laughter. Or ‘I wont do the spare room up because we might have a baby soon and it will be the nursery’. More hysterical laughter. Eventually, after a few years of no baby in sight you think what the hell and buy that summer outfit, or plan that holiday. That’s if of course you have two cents to rub together after paying for all your (failed) treatment.
And nothing changes when you eventually, hopefully, get pregnant. Buy baby things? ARE YOU CRAZY? You never know what could happen.
I’ve been living this way for five years. Ask me where I saw myself in five years time? I wouldn’t been able to tell you where I saw myself in five months time, never mind five years. I was so used to the universe fucking me and my plans / dreams over.
That mentality is difficult break.
The fabulous annual Woolies summer sale was on this week. I was armed to the teeth with previously mentioned generous gift certificate. Rose and I were waiting outside the doors at sparrows fart, ready to elbow aside other intrepid shoppers. Woolies has the best baby clothes and that always goes first. My sister, she of three kids fame, wisely advised that I buy clothes for the babes for next summer, size 12-18 months. So I did, I rushed in and grabbed stuff. Lots of really gorgeous things.
And then I got a twinge. A rush of nervousness. I thought to myself ‘are you sure you should be buying this now, you know, planning that far ahead. You know, in case…..’
IN CASE WHAT????? What the hell was I thinking? In case what? I couldn’t even think it, it was too sick. I am so used to things not working out, to having happiness whipped away from me that even now I can’t believe that this will last. Even now, I find it incredibly hard to believe that this is it. The pain is over, I have my babies now. To keep.
The scars run so deep. It makes me sad. Infertility casts a long shadow.
PS: POOF!! That’s my voucher disappearing in a flash of spending smoke. The babes thank you again for your generosity. Got such cute big boy and big girl things for next year. Can’t believe they are going to be that big.