My local pg magazine has an article entitled ’10 things every mother to be should know’, so I eagerly turned to the article, wondering how they would manage to articulate that over-whelming, terrifying newborn stage. Alas, it was a bunch of naff* stuff that didn’t really say much. So I decided to adapt theirs, and add a few of mine.
So here is ‘10 things every new mother should know’ Tertia style:
1. Don’t rush home from hospital!
Enjoy your stay in hospital! Do NOT be too quick to rush home. Never again (unless you are Rich and Famous) will you have people change your linen for you, bring you food, take away the dirty dishes, watch your baby if you need it, allow you to sleep if you want, answer your questions etc. Act like a queen while you are there, take full advantage and enjoy those few days because…
2. Homecoming is f***ing hard.
You know that wonderful fuzzy image of you and husband, sitting there bathed in light, cooing at your gorgeous, quiet newborn? Doesn’t happen. Replace aforementioned picture with image of non-sleeping / screaming infant – screaming because…g*d knows why; husband screaming because child is screaming; you screaming because you are bloody exhausted and wish the baby / husband would shut up. The first few days are damn scary, because…..
3. Babies cry for no apparent reason
Yes, they cry because they are hungry, tired, wet etc. But sometimes they cry for no apparent reason. And it drives you crazy. You will be tempted to tell your baby to SHUT UP. I am sure if they could talk they would give you a perfectly good reason, like ‘I am scared. I am tired. Your breath smells revolting, what the hell did you eat for lunch? I hate you. You suck as a mother’ etc, but because they can’t talk, you will be at your wits end. Plus you will have the added extreme annoyance of your husband saying ‘but why is he crying?’ As if by giving birth / adopting, you can suddenly translate baby crying into the local dialect. When you gave birth / adopted the Dr gave you a manual and said ‘here, just use this handy manual to interpret all those screams into English, in case your husband asks you ‘why is he crying’’. You will want to kill your husband. This is common, because….
4. Your husband might, or might not, turn out to be as your expected
Some husbands are really good at this baby stuff, some aren’t. Don’t be too upset or disappointed. Rather be realistic and if he isn’t good at some stuff, let him do other stuff. Work out what works for you. Remember as well, husbands can be extremely annoying at the best of times, this is magnified when you have a baby. Of course it doesn’t help that…
5. You will not sleep. Ever again.
Yes, some babies sleep through from six weeks. Yours probably wont. And you might think you know what it is like to have a few sleepless nights way back from your college days. This is different. This is relentless, this is night after night. Never again will you feel so tired. Being so tired means that…
6. You will lose 80% of your brain.
It might, or might not come back again. We have yet to find out. The remaining 20% is there to (hopefully) remember how to feed and look after your baby. There is not much left for any thing else. As a result….
7. You will look like shit for a while after the birth
No, you will not fit into your pre-pregnancy clothes for a while. Unless you are famous and have a personal trainer, or you are Naturally Thin. In both cases we hate you. Bitch. Do not make the same mistake I made and bring ‘thin’ clothes to wear home from the hospital. Or else, like me, you will have to go home in your pajamas and embarrass your husband by having to walk from the maternity wing, through reception in your PJ pants and slip slops. You however, will not care because…
8. You become priority number 999 on your list of things to do
Yes a happy mother makes a happy child and you should look after yourself blah blah blah….. There isn’t enough time to eat, sleep and shave your legs. To be honest, sleeping is way more important than having hair-free legs. It’s not as if you will be having sex soon because…
9. Sex will be the furthest thing on your mind
Sex? Are you bloody mad? Who the hell feels like sex with in the first year after the birth, when you are bone tired, covered in spit up and old milk? Your husband, the poor deprived bastard, that’s who. And because you feel so sorry for the poor bugger you will have to give in occasionally. You will do the deed with one ear open, listening for the baby, thinking of a million things you should be doing, because
10. Your life will never be the same again.
It is no longer about you, your whole life has changed and it is now all about this new little life you brought into this world. And you know what, in spite of every thing, it is pretty fucking amazing!
Enjoy! But don’t say I didn’t warn you.