Mother Frequency

It’s amazing how tuned in you become to the sound of your child’s cry.  Actually your child’s every noise.  I can be dead to the world (in my one hour sleep I manage at night or my rare naps during the day) and I will immediately wake up if one of my children murmurs.  All other noise I can filter out but the sound of my children pierces through the densest layers of fog and fatigue.  And the layers are dense, believe me.

And what is also amazing is how some fathers (i.e. Marko) can sleep right through high-pitched wailing times two.  They babies can be yelling in the bed right next to him and Marko will sleep through it. 

It makes taking a nap very hard.  Because the slightest murmur wakes me up.  And babies are noisy little critters at the best of times.  I try and let others look after them while I nap but I absolutely cannot sleep if they cry.  I get all anxious.  As much as I need to sleep and no matter how tired I am, I have to get up and see that all is ok with them.

In fact I read an interesting thing the other day.  It was an article written about CIO (crying it out) used to sleep train etc and the person writing the article was anti CIO.  She said that apparently mothers are biologically programmed to be agitated by the cry of their newborn.  This was to ensure that the needs of the newborn were met.  Now I don’t know how true this is, but it does feel that way.  When your child cries it is very difficult not to do any thing.  It does cause a feeling of agitation / anxiousness.  Each cry causes a physical reaction, it actually feels like pain in my chest.  How do you just ignore the cry? 

Now imagine the extreme state of agitation when you have two screaming babies and you can only console one at a time.  Last night was musical arms.  As I got one calmed down and to sleep the other would start.  This went on from 12 until 5.  Seriously.  Then this morning, for the first time since they were born, I let them cry.  I had to get the bath stuff ready and I needed two arms for that.  So I put them on my bed and left them to cry for the few minutes it took to get the bath stuff ready.  It was traumatic, there was much static in the Mother Frequency. 

And you know what, you can’t turn the damn frequency off.  There is no on/off switch, and unfortunately no volume button either.  And for such little bodies, the little buggers emit a hell of lot of noise.

Comments

[Boulder]

Your children are gorgeous.

My college roommate felt that MF (mother frequency) hit & become more heightened with each of her children. She finally resorted to an ear-plug in one ear for sanity's sake and the other ear open to be a good mum. It is all about balance, after all, isn't it? :)

Can't imagine what it must feel like with 2 wee ones pulling at your heart-strings. Hang in there, things WILL smooth out. PROMISE.

xoxo

[Lila]

Oh dear Tertia, how I know what you're talking about. For years I couldn't take a shower without hearing crying in the noise of the water. I was sure someone is crying. So I spent quite some time running naked and dripping between the shower and the baby room.

In German, we have a word for this special kind of sleep, "Ammenschlaf". Interesting enough it's "wet nurses's sleep", and connects breastfeeding and sleep. It's an old word from the times when mothers gave their children to wetnurses. Well nowadays we would call it mother's sleep, or parental sleep. My DH has it, too.

Dear Tertia, you're doing a great job. Your babies are lucky to have you. It won't hurt them if they cry - even if it's painful for you to hear. Sometimes I think I tried to hard to avoid crying in my eldest. No matter what you do - you will always feel you might have done even better. But you do your very very best, and this is quite close to perfect. So no fretting any more.

Look at your beautiful angels. All your efforts pay. they are gorgeous!!!! Thank you for the pictures, I love them. Kate and Adam as part of my morning routine...

[girlwonder]

When i had my third daughter i was so used to hearing a toddler cry that for the first few hours my husband and i actually went "Awwww" when she cried, we thought it was so cute. Clearly she clicked onto this very quickly, by the next day she began to cry in this high pitched wail that she still has to this day.
I can't sympathise on the twins, but i'm right there with you on the noise factor.

[Linda]

Good Lord, those are gorgeous kids. WOW.

[blackbird]

Ack! screamy babies!

When people would ask, all those years ago, how we were doing with nighttimes and sleep, re the new baby, K would say --oh, he slept through the night. And I would look at him incredulously as NONE of them slept through the night before they were old enough to walk,
it was just that HE NEVER HEARD THEM.

How perfectly wonderful that you have screamy babies.

[KatS]

How adorable they are! They are gaining weight. You get the World's Best Mother award!

[Lioness]

T. it is true, mother are truly biologically programmed for that and little ones are programmed to be as etopeimeletic as possible - inducive of care-giving, thus continues your ethological education bcs we all know you're bored.

What impresses me most abt Adam and Kate is how they're so into the whole YMCA dancing already, I give you 10 years till they go clubbing. Party on, babies!

[katie e.]

what's too bad is that you may never grow less sensitive to their noises. i'm 24 years old and living back at home right now, and when i was sick and coughing during the night about two months ago, my mother learned that she still wakes up to every noise i make.

[Deborah]

I can't speak to babies crying, but I know that if one of my cats so much as farts during the night, I hear it. On the other hand, they can repeatedly walk across my husband's face without him missing a single snore.

Guess that's why they call it women's work.

[Melani]

When my two children were small, I heard EVERY little thing. Now, they are 8 and 6 yrs and I don't hear a thing but my husband does. Of course, he still nudges me and says one of the kids is calling for you. Fortunately it doesn't happen much now. I wish I could send you some sleep. Also, those babies are absolutely gorgeous!

[Tonni]

I do agree that there's some sort of biological hard-wiring going on with the crying. You might consider earplugs if you KNOW others are caring for the twins so you can nap. I've been there many times, where a mere 3 hours, or 1.5, can be a full night's rest. Keep stocking up on those naps; they're like money in the bank. And you don't have to worry about CIO yet, should you choose to go that route or use some modified form of it (many anti-CIO articles paint is thusly: let them cry till they barf. this needn't be the only way--see Elizabeth Pantley's "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" for an alternative, when the kids are older). Letting them cry while you run a bath will not harm them. They will learn to trust that mama always comes back, because you do, and you will.

[Rebekah]

Yep, Mommies hear it all and MOST guys sleep right through it. I remember when A. was a newborn, there was this sound he used to make as he was waking up. I can't describe it, but it was SO unbelievably quiet. And guess what? It woke me up every time. Actually, I was glad he made it, as it allowed me to get to him before he really started crying.

I completely agree that we have a biological reaction to a crying baby. Forget what happens if you're breastfeeding and you hear a baby (ANY baby) cry. In my experience, there is a very visceral reaction. When I couldn't settle Aidan down for whatever reason, my stomach would absolutely be in KNOTS. I would feel so stressed out. I had forgotten this until I was caring for my niece one time, and I had the same reaction to HER crying. Maybe I'm just a stress-case. =)

Tonni's right ... it's o.k. to let them cry while you're taking a shower. It's not fun, I know, but they'll be o.k., and you will ultimately feel a lot better all cleaned up.

[shari]

had to comment because I have an IDENTICAL pics of my newborns screaming their heads off laying on our bed! You're right - it is traumatic, but as you will find (and have found out already) sometimes you just have to let them cry for a minute or two, no way around it with twins. We had a home nurse that came to check on our twins two days after taking them home (to make sure they were still alive, I'm sure) - part of our ins. deal. Anyway, I was borderline hysterical from hormones/lack of sleep/new mom syndrome and she gave me a piece of advice that I think of from time to time: she looked me right in the eye and said "sometimes babies cry, and it's OK". Very matter of factly. Helped me feel like less of a bad mom when I just had to let one cry while I tended to the other.

Hang in there... btw, they are growing into such beautiful little babies :)

[persephone]

Tertia, one of my sisters eventually developed insomnia because she kept thinking her baby was crying or was about to cry, she could never relax enough to sleep. Don't let it get that far.

The biological function of being so amazingly attuned is so you can hear when the babies need you, even if no one else does. But if someone you trust is watching them, there is no useful function for your supersonic hearing, and you can sefely turn it off.

I second or third the earplugs idea. The other thing that worked for me (under slightly less pleasant circumstances, I was in Israel during the first Gulf War and couldn't sleep because I kept listening for the radio noise that came just before an air raid siren) was to go to sleep with earphones and a walkman on.

[Moxie]

I could never sleep through it, either.

Once mine was old enough to sleep stretches of time at night, I would often wake up 15-20 seconds before he did in the middle of the night. I just knew, somehow, that he was going to wake up and need me, and it woke me up.

The mother connection is really miraculous. Annoying, but miraculous.

[Shannon]

As always, I'm amazed how well you do with two when I feel the same way with just one.

Congrats again, your children are gorgeous even when hollering their heads off.

[Lana]

Tertia, you amaze me. I'm finding it so much work with one. I couldn't imagine having two. You are doing a wonderful job.

[Scully]

It was years before I stopped turning and looking when I heard a baby cry. Which I don't think is all that true, because I still stop what I'm doing and look attentively when I hear a baby cry.

I swear, I could spot my son's crying from 100 miles away.

And he's 15 now, and I still wake up if he even snorts the wrong way in his sleep. It really freaks him out when he wakes up in the middle of the night and I'm standing over his bed with a mirror under his nose seeing if he's still breathing. Lucky for him he snores every now and then.

Those are the most amazingly beautiful babies I have seen in a very long time.

And you're the WBM (World's Best Mom).

[Jody]

Beautiful Babies! Oh, those Beautiful Babies!

I'm very anti-CIO, I agree entirely that there's a biological functioning going on there, and I vote enthusiastically for: wear the earplugs! Wear the earplugs! You will be a MUCH BETTER mommy and be much better prepared to juggle sleepless babies if you have napped. As long as you know your helpers are holding the babies and doing the same things you would do to comfort them, put in the earplugs and grab an hour's sleep.

[Erin]

But Tertia, we don't know which baby is Kate and which baby is Adam without the color-coded onesies!

[Sally]

I was curious if you've swaddled at all? http://blog.glennf.com/mtarchives/004144.html

I don't have kids or anything, I was just curious if this swaddling thing actually worked!

[KellyH]

I was the same way when my daughter was a newborn- I could NOT sleep if she was being cared for by anyone else and was crying. She's MY baby, I'M her mother, I should be the one to sort it all out. I so relate to what you're saying.

Those beautiful babies are growing so well! You're doing a wonderful job. You ARE a wonderful mother. It will get better.

[mercybuttercup]

Tertia, I don't necessarily recommend the book "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" across the board, but I will say it gave us some really useful perspective on crying and how to react to it.

You should not accept any further advice from me, as my 4-month-old woke up an average of every 40 minutes last night. So clearly, I must be wrong about everything.

[emma]

They may be noisy, but they certainly are beautiful!

[ASM]

Oh my gosh, those babies are becoming positively chubby!

[Charmaine]

Oh Tertia,

Kate and Adam are just so beautiful! Hang in there sweetie.

((hugs))

[Kristin]

Oh hon...the are beautiful. My husband use to be able to sleep through their cries too. ONe night it made me so mad that I turned up the baby monitor to full volume (which amplified the cries a LOT) and put it right next to my hubby's ear. Even that barely got him to wake up.

[Christine]

At the point where I finally let my first kid CIO (he had started nursing every two hours after feeding every four hour for MONTHS), I was able to recognize the subtle difference between the "I'm-going-to-starve-to-death-if-you-don't-feed-me-right-this-minute!" and the "Hey, where the hell is that chick with the milk missiles - taking another break?" cries.

I think the hypersensitivity mothers have is crucial for them to be able to respond to their newborns in the beginning, but I do think it subsides to a manageble level fairly quickly (i.e., just before you would die from exhaustion). Basically, Nature doesn't trust us to figure it out for ourselves, so we have this instinctive ability that (fortunately for the survival of the species) overrides our thinking. But after awhile, when habits and patterns are established, and we come to understand what it is our kids really need, and what they want, we can then balance that against our *own* needs and desires, and make a fairly decent decision about how we want to respond.

(Or maybe I had just had enough and CIO was preferable to pitching him out the window...I dunno.) In any event, it worked out just fine, both of us are alive and well and (reasonably) sane today.

Oh, and I totally agree with Lila about the shower. I swear I could hear him crying every single time I got in. I would turn the water on and off several times just to listen. I don't seem to recall a single instance where HE was actually crying, but *I* sure did - from all the soap and shampoo I got in my eyes when I turned off the tap.

[Lylah]

You're babies are getting so nice and pudgy! You are doing a wonderful job.

My father likes to tell me that babies need to cry for a few minutes every day, to keep their lungs strong. I'm not sure I believe him, but still...

I got another bouncy seat with vibrating action second-hand to keep in the bathroom. I put my 3-month-old daughter in it while I shower, and that took care of the "hearing crying in the water" that Lila mentioned. Made me feel much better to be able to peek out of the shower curtain and see her there, asleep (or staring arond the room), and saved me from catching cold by running all wet to check on her every other minute...

[hadassa]

EAr plugs!!! I started with this wiht my first kid when my husband took over the night wakings after she no longer fed at nights and i found i couldnt sleep through it all. It works a dream.....

[Bev]

Granted, I had one baby at a time, but I found it was helpful if my mother (or whomever) took the babies out for a walk for a good solid hour or two. Perhaps that would help, as you would not hear any noises and might sleep. You have to promise to sleep though, because the urges to straighten up and get ahead are pretty loud when there's no one else around!

Good luck! Remember, this will pass, and sooner or later YOU'LL be the one offering advice to the new mom!

[Nance]

I'm still hyper-alert to the noises my son makes, although as time has gone on, and I am more attuned to his cues and his normal sounds, I find that I can tune out most of his nighttime noises - all except the ones that indicate he's waking up and getting ready to wail.

I still hate to hear either of my kids cry, although as a more "experienced" mom, I'm better able to recognize that I can't do everything at once, and someone is going to have to wait. If my son is being fed (he's 6.5 months), my daughter (4.5 years) has to wait. If I'm helping her with something, then my son has to wait. And that means that occasionally, he fusses and cries until I can get to him.

As K and A get older, they'll be able to entertain each other, or themselves, giving you some respite from the crying while you tend to one. I can only imagine how overwhelming this is right now, but in the larger picture, it's such a short phase of their lives, and it will get easier.

[Krissy]

Tertia,

Your entry speaks to me today. I can get behind you 100% that there is a bilogical imperative to GET THE BABY! when they cry like that.

I'm also someone who will wake seemingly 30 seconds before the baby does (although I'm sure there's some change in his breathing or a squeek that triggers it) and who will also wake up if it's been too long and I haven't heard him.

Something that makes it easier for me is that Andy also hears him like I do and so if it's his night to get the baby I can trust that Andy will get up with him.

In those first few months we had a few rules that helped keep us sane. The primary rule being:

1) Is he warm?
2) Is he full?
3) Is he dry?
4) Is he safe?

If all four could be answered "yes", then a two-minute shower for mama was just fine. He wasn't starving, freezing, rashing or about to be eaten by wild bears or fall from a great height. Mama could have a quick shower.

When it comes to sleep, can you have someone take them elsewhere in the house where you can't hear them? Or, as someone else said, out for a walk? It's normal to feel all stressed out with twins, but there's a fine line between stressed and out of control. Can they go and visit someone for a few hours?

You have to take care of you.

Having said that, after being held hostage by an overtired five-month-old yesterday afternoon I announced we were going to try CIO. We got to the half hour mark, he was screaming his head off, and I went in and got him. I couldn't stand it.

[Heidi]

I can't speak for twins. I'm sure it's far more difficult than singletons, even when you have more than one child, but I can relate to a lot of what you are saying now that I have two (one is a toddler the other going on 9 months). All I can say is that you will always feel guilty, you will always wake up anytime one of them makes a noise (your hubby will not, as noted by the majority of the women who posted here), you will always worry and because of all those things you will be a good mother.

I can chime in with the others and say that it DOES get better....though now my two year old is starting to have nightmares so I'm still up 3 - 5 times a night. Ugh. I remember when I used to get sleep WAAAAAAY back when.

Oh and maybe this just comes with time or with exhaustion, but now as soon as I know my husband is going to take over and he gets up with the kids I can finally go to sleep and I don't hear a thing. That being said if one starts really crying the mommy instinct kicks in again. My mom is taking both children this weekend for the first time since #2 was born and I cannot tell you how much I'm looking forward to an uninterrupted night of sleep. Forget sex, sleep is where it is at!

[jenni]

I know when my children change there breathing patterns! I can tell when my daughter is going to wake up just by the way she is breathing. My husband...he has no clue. Mind you we have four children. We had two in the last two years! You would think a crying meme would wake him up. It's because we are connected to these little souls more deeply. We carried them. It think it's for survival. I know when my children are getting sick by the way their poop smells. Being a mother makes you into some sort of super human! Two babies. God bless you. I do that waking up 30 seconds before the babies do. It took me awhile to realize that the reason didn't hear the baby cry was because the baby never cried. I woke up before she did and automatically made the bottle and changed her before she even peeped. I did this with my son but didn't realize it until my daughter came along!

Try to have someone take them. Even for an hour. You need time to do your toenails. You'll poop out if you don't.

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

I do believe Adam has finger toes!

Tess, I too cannot stand to let my 6 month old cry, I dont know if we ever get over it.