« Intact | Main | Thank you »

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Babies suck. I didn't know I wasn't a baby person until I had one.

Be patient with yourself and accept these feelings. They are not unusual. You're welcomed to a serving of PPD, too, like a lot of us. See if that part worsens - but regardless of PPD, what you feel is normal and felt like almost every other mom, twins or not.

I was in a haze until my son was 4 months old. Then suddenly he could participate, sit on my hip in a sling and I GOT TO USE BOTH OF MY OWN HANDS! They get easier until they start cruising, then it gets bad again b/c you don't have enough hands or eyes once again.

Give it time. It will come together.

Hi,

I have been following your story for awhile now. I just want to say it will get easier. I remember feeling the same way after having my baby, with only one, I can't imagine the worry and presssure with two. My sister told me the first few weeks are the hardest and she was right. After a bit they will get to be better eaters, burpers and sleepers. I remember the feelings of being overwhelmed by the responsibility, but it does lessen as you get in a pattern and understand your babies more. You are doing a great job, your babies have a Mom who loves them and does her best to make them happy, they couldn't ask for anything more than that. The gasiness will get better, their tummies adjust. Hang in there, it will get to be a lot more fun before you know it.

To paraphrase your mom: I am half a world away (and a total stranger, to boot) and you are doing an excellent job as a mother. You love your babies "fiercely, completely" (welling up tears now...) and that love drives you to make all the necessary sacrifices. That love is how you know you're doing a good job.

Count me as one person, at least, who does not expect you to do it all with a smile on your face and a rosy halo surrounding you. I know you're grateful; that doesn't mean you have to pretend you're not struggling. Ask for help. Call your mom. Cry. Otherwise you use up even more precious energy trying to keep a good face on.
***END OF ASSVICE***

On a much lighter note, that picture of Kate chewing Adam's head is the greatest.

I hear you. It does get better, not that it helps now....

After all we went through I felt like it was sort of anti-climatic when he was born. Plus I hate to admit this I was so scared something was going to happen I didn't get to close to him. Which both combined led to some evil PPD. Throw in the lack of sleep and I never thought I would survive.

Use your mom, Use Marko, Use the nanny. Yes its important that both your babies get held by you, but its more important than you stay sane and they get held period.

Hang in there.

[nodding head in sympathy] Yup. FWIW, one thing that helped me enormously as a new mother was being on one of those parenting lists: most of us were new mothers also, and we'd be going through all of the same crises at exactly the same time. Made me feel less alone and incompetent.

Here's what I remember: the first, say, three to six weeks SUCKED. And then my baby started to settle and become a more reasonable little person, more predictable, and I was able to enjoy her. But those first few weeks were a pretty dark time. Doesn't matter what came before. If anything, having been through the infertility may make people MORE liable to burnout, b/c they're going to put pressure on themselves to be perfect and have greater expectations, or so my OB/GYN told me.

Who says you can't complain. Of course you can complain all you want to. Having one new baby around is tough -- having two is a nightmare, help or no help. Having people tell you that it will get easier (and it will) is really no help at all for you. Give yourself a break, try to go just one tiny step at a time, don't expect more from yourself than is possible. You can only do the best you can do -- and it will be more than good enough. Take a couple of deep breaths.

1. HORMONES 2. LACK of SLEEP! In either order. That about covers the tearfulness.

You are a great, patient, caring, loving and (gasp) NORMAL mother for feeling this way.

Cry all you need, take all the help you can get, and hope it will get easier, because it will.

It will get better. Right now, you are new at this AND your hormones are still out of whack. There is not reason to feel bad about what you are feeling. In fact, it is very good that you have this blog as an outlet of your emotions. DON'T keep it inside. Anything that grows inward, gets worse. Think- in-grown toe nail!
Of course this is what you wanted and this what you still want. But expections and reality are never the same thing.
Ask for help as much as you can.
Don't worry about that tummy, it will go back. There will be days when you will be able to shower again.
Oh, and one more thing. About the gasiness- if it is tooting/farting/breaking wind whatever- try this: Give some Mylicon drops, wait 3-5 minutes. Then with the baby on his/her back, take their legs and push them towards their hips--not into the tummy but off to the sides. Stand back and hold your breath. My husband referred to this move as farting the baby. It is like pushing a button.
Keeping you in my prayers.

Hang in there, Tertia. I posted before that the first 8 weeks are hell and it is true. Just remember that they don't know the difference between the unshowered mother with the largest Maxi pad on earth between her legs and the pink, warm, hazy photo of the adoring mother you imagine. They don't know the difference between being forced-fed and the leisurely feed with mother and child cooing at one another you image as well. What they will know when they get old enough is that you love them with every ounce of your soul. And that is what will matter.

As for the complaining... bring it on. While some of us didn't have to work as hard at getting our children as you did, we wanted them just as much... and no one told us we couldn't complain! Child-rearing is the hardest work I've ever done... and if I couldn't complain about it, I'd go crazy keeping it inside.

We're here for you!

Tertia, give yourself time to become that flawless "I got it all together" mom.
Becoming a mom is so freaking HARD..And it was hard for me with 1 baby, with 2 I'm sure I would have gone insane.
Cry when ya wanna..Whine when ya wanna..Kick a fuss and scream when ya wanna.. It is earned. An overwhelming desire to become a parent does not make the process any easier. Loving your child endlessly does not make sleep deprivation and hormone pitfalls more attractive.
Hang in there dear. In a couple months it will all be a big blur and your family will have picked up a rhythm to not only allows you to breathe, but allows you to actually enjoy.

I could have written your exact words during those early weeks w/my twins. I felt guilty for not enjoying it. People would say time will fly but to me it stood still for the first few months.

Not that this helps now, but It will get better!

Take each day at a time and cut yourself some slack.

Prune juice mixed w/formula or BM is great for constipation.

Alix

I don't have any advice except to say hang in there.

And keep being honest.

After 3 months it magically gets SO MUCH EASIER. It'll get easier up to then too. You're doing a great job, too--you really are. The hardest thing about little bitty babies is that sometimes they just cry, even if they're fed, changed, burped, whatever...and there's nothing you can do to make them stop. My theory is that it's much worse on you than on them. With twins this must be even harder! But as they get older, this lessens considerably, and it gets much easier.

As far as feeling like a piece of meat after the babies are born--that gets better too, and fast. Your tummy will go back down, the bleeding will stop and you'll start feeling/looking like yourself. It seemed like FOREVER for that to happen, though...I thoroughly sympathize.

Emotionally--you're SO ALLOWED to feel overwhelmed and cry and all that...like everyone is saying, it's normal, even when you haven't been through sheer hell to get to this point. All that you've been through just serves to make that effect stronger. Those negative feelings are completely unrelated to how much you want and love your babies, how much you want to be a mother. Anybody who doesn't understand that is a loon, OK?

Much support and positive vibes coming your way--
S

My only advice...all of those people who want to come and help...let them. ASK THEM TO COME HELP. They will be flattered you asked, and you can get some YOU time.

Just cause they're IVF babies doesn't mean they can't be high maintenance. I have one that proves that.

All I can do is pray that strength is your new best friend...and that, my dear, is what I am doing. Love to your whole family.

what you are feeling is completely normal. just because you wanted this so badly doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to get emotional and to experience THE SAME emotions that most mothers do after the birth of a child. the water IS FREEZING, remember? but you JUST dove in. give you and your little babes time to adjust. and for the gas...GAS DROPS ARE THE KEY TO YOUR SANITY AND YOUR BABIES COMFORT. give them gas drops after every feeding (and throughout the day if need be). you will be amazed. they work INSTANTLY!

I've been following your story from the IVFC boards...you ask what kind of mother you are? You are the best you can be - and by the looks of your babes it looks like you are a great mother. Even if it doesn't feel like it.

You are loving your children and making sure their basic needs are being met. Food, clothes, dry diapers, etc. These beginning months are the hardest - you're not alone. We've all been through it and our children love us for it and we love them even more for it.

Thank you for being so honest and recognizing how important it is to find a safe outlet to vent these feelings.

Hang in there.....it will get better.

The first day I got home from hospital was one of the worst. And in the first, second week that followed, I found myself thinking, "I wanted THIS? Hey, I would've been FINE without a baby!" And that was with only one!

I kept asking people, "When will it get better? PLEASE tell me it will get better." People said 12 weeks, so I started counting down the days. I had a night nurse occasionally, and I would beg her to come more often. I would count down the hours, the minutes, until her arrival, even if it was a few days away.

I didn't really enjoy it much at all.

I think things changed when I realised I WAS doing a good job, despite everything. And it changed even more when the night nurse left, because I decided to throw out the routine and just go with the flow, and somehow that helped me.

I only had one, but I was pumping for an additional six hours a day. I could not find the time to do a thing. I can't comprehend two, and I can't comprehend what it must be like to be an exhausted mother of two.

First, some practical advice. GET HELP. Enlist as much help as you can. Your friends have casually offered to come over and do housework? Cook a meal? TAKE THEM UP ON IT. Beg your mother to make more meals. Ask someone to come over and take over or provide an extra pair of hands. Use the money you were saving for whatever to GET SOME HELP! Whatever it takes to get you through the first few months.

EVENTUALLY, you will get through this, but remember that the first few months ARE hell. My son is only 4.5 months now, but it's a completely different ball game, and it will be for you too. And I love it. Love, love, love, love it. Just like the dewy postcards. And believe me, I hated it at first, even though I too knew I loved him very much. The relentlessness of the routine - and again, it must be so much worse with twins - nearly did me in.

You ARE doing a great job. Imagine all the mothers out there who do this and DON'T feel this way about their babies. Who HAVEN'T fought this hard. Trust me, eventually, that's what will get you through. You DO have it (mentally) easier, you just don't know it yet.

PS You need a few people you can speed-dial every day who will say, Yes, this sucks. Yes, I went to my room and cried every single day for X months. And yes, it gets much, much better.
PPS Don't listen to those people who say it gets worse in a couple of months. There are people who actually say this! They are lying, or out of their heads.

Keep being honest Tertia - it's what brings me back again and again to read your journal. My daughter is 6 and I'm still wondering what the heck I am doing half the time, I just do it on lots more sleep than you right now.

It will get better, I promise you.

Enough assvice from me.

I can honestly say that there is NOTHING fun about having a newborn and I had one not two. The first 8 weeks of motherhood sucked. Grace cried from 5 at night until 10 every single night and I cried right along with her becuase I thought I was the worst Mom ever because I could not get her to stop crying.

Then one day it was easier and I could handle it and now she is almost 2 1/2 and we both survived and she loves me as much as I love her.

Tertia, you are not alone and you are not a bad mother. You are just like the rest of us...trying to be perfect and trying to have it all together but it is hard V V hard. But you will get through it we all do and the water is much nicer on the other side.

I don't know what formula you are feeding your babies but I wanted to comment about Kate and her constipation. That problem can sometimes be caused by milk based formulas and her intolerance to the milk. She may need to try a soy based one instead. Or one that is at least lactose free. Just my two cents.

PS: You are being wonderful mother and all your emotions and fears are perfectly normal. It will get better, trust me. Hang in there. :)

Yes! Exactly! Babies are frightfully hard work, and it's utterly exhausting to care for them. The tender moments don't mean that the exhaustion isn't valid. Infertility doesn't mean that caring for a newborn (much less two!) is any easier.

If we ever decide to adopt to expand our family, I know that I do NOT want to have a newborn. I loved Ben very much when he was tiny, but it was a hard, hard time in my life. I dealt with infertility, a high-risk pregnancy, and a preemie (in your case, more difficult infertility, bed rest, tragic losses, and two preemies), and I felt I deserved to have an easy time of it after Ben was born--but deserving it doesn't mean I got it!

So forget about any promises you may have made ("When I have my baby, I'll never complain about anything because I waited so long") and know that it will get easier with time. For now, give yourself permission to cry when you feel like it, and use every bit of help you can (nanny, Marko, relatives, friends). Treat yourself to a shower and clean clothes (even if they're still misshapen maternity clothes), and have a glass of wine. You might not get that 30 to 45 minutes to yourself every day, but try to get it at least once a week. Postpone your next post and take a shower instead.

Evieballerina is right. Your babies love you and think you're perfect. That unwashed smell you're sporting? They love it because it's you. They love your voice because they heard it in the womb. Hell, if you cried when you were pregnant, they're probably soothed by the sound of that, too!

You have expressed perfectly what I felt my first months as a mother. Only I had one and you have two. My wonderful darling son survived my ineptitude and is a thriving preschooler.

Your children have the best start- a loving mother who can express her struggle and the support of the people around her.

Sweetie- you are a good mom, you're just the mom of TWO *TWO* beautiful newborns and even with one babe, most of us feel like we are failing when everything begins... I just want to hug you- please, stay honest on your blog. I don't give a damn what people think- we all know you wanted these two sweetpeas more then anything and we still believe you are ALLOWED to be honest. Don't ever lie to make others feel better...

As far as Kate and Adam- DO you belong to a twins group? Do they have them where you are? I know a lot of ladies with multiples in the US belong to these groups- basically, you get to go out (or do it online) and spend time with people who GET what it's like to try to take care of two babes (or three like Tess) at a time. People who GET how hard it is... I just think they sound like a good start for someone with two little mouths to feed, two little bums to clean, two little tummies to comfort...

Much MUCH LOVE...

I think *because* you worked so hard for this, your expectations are going to be different. With so many years waiting for your babies, you built it up in your mind, about how perfect your life would become ***if only*** you could have a baby (or two.)

My own MIL gave me that exact quote (the bitchy one about "You have to suck it all up because after all ‘you wanted this’ and ‘this is what you fought for, for so long’." All I had said to her was 'this is harder than I expected'.

I had the dry heaves from throwing up each morning from the anxiety I felt 24/7. I didn't have the hormones (my baby girl was adopted at 4 weeks old), but I lost 10 pounds, I was So.Freaked.Out. I think what made it worse was that I felt like I wasn't allowed to complain. I held a lot of stuff in, only crying to my husband and best friend. When I did finally say something to my mom (tears welling up now), she said exactly what your mom said to you. That made a ton of difference.

(((((((((Hugs))))))))) and know that it will get better, but until then, keep voicing your feelings....


Tertia. It's going to be okay. Kate and Adam are tough, and you're strong, and it will be okay. Maybe not for a few weeks, but you'll get there.

The hardest part about having premature babies for me was their never-ending lack of affect. My babies started interacting and smiling and doing all those adorable things that reward you for the backbreaking labor and sleeplessness, not at the predicted number of weeks after their birth, but at the predicted number of weeks after their due date. That's a long, long time to bleed yourself dry for people who don't seem to care who you are, as long as you're feeding them. It's just hard. It's so hard.

I would suggest a few things: ask your pediatrician about the constipation. I think you need to get a different formula for Kate. (Are you still pumping at all? Can you just give her EBM for a few days and see if that clears her out?) I think you need to ask your doctor just how much forcing should happen at meals. Force feeding isn't something you want to take on without medical guidance (it leads to feeding aversions) and babies, unless there's something really wrong, are pretty good about getting the food they need. Of course, prematurity counts as something wrong. That's SUCH a tough issue. I hear you on the feeding issue.

You CAN hold two babies at once. Lay down on your bed, lay their heads on your copious belly, curl your arms around them, and you're holding both at once. Prop pillows around you, put them in twin football holds, and you're holding both at once. It's also OKAY if you can't hold both at once. Isn't there a nanny nearby? It's okay if one of the babies needs to be held by the nanny. It's okay.

I always flew right off the handle when I heard this, but what the hell: you're hormonal as all get-out. You're so hormonal, you couldn't think straight if you were getting sleep. That doesn't make ANYTHING you're feeling invalid or untrue, but it does offer the hope that what you're feeling is temporary.

FWIW, I found that everything changed radically every six weeks or so, up until at least 10 months. It will be okay, really it will. And your mom is so right: you're a great mom.

I know you feel this incredible loyalty to your fellow infertiles, but come on. You have two teeny babies. And the first few months quite honestly suck. There's no way around it. Everything you're feeling is normal normal normal.

My only advice is to be very specific about what help you need from people. Even the people who love you the most probably think you're handling it just fine (because you're handling it as well or better than all the other new mothers who've gone before you). So tell Marko, your mom, your friends, that they need to BRING YOU FOOD--not food you have to cook, but food you can just unwrap and eat. Nuts, dried fruit, peanut butter sandwiches, microwave burritos, etc. Be very specific, and people will be delighted to step up and give you what you need.

You're doing such a good job.

I brought my daughter home from the hospital home on a Friday, and for days afterward I sat on the couch in tears wondering if I could trade her in for a Golden Retriever.

I truly thought she would just eat and sleep for the first few months. I wasn't prepared for the crying, the sleep deprivation, the hormonal changes. I wish someone would have told me how hard it would be. My best friend promised me that it would get easier - but at that moment I couldn't even imagine it.

She was right - it took about 3 months, but we finally got the hang of it - she became a different baby (sleeping better, not so cranky all the time).

At about 6 months I can honestly say I began to enjoy motherhood. But the first few months are so, so, so hard.

The only advice I can give is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Adam and Kate's digestive systems will mature and their feedings will get easier. If you have anyone willing to help, take them up on it. An extra pair of hands is a wonderful thing.

Also - Oprah Winfrey did a show on Motherhood - it was great. It was about how hard it all is - I have it on VHS - I would send it to you, but I don't know if your VCRs are the same as ours here in the States. Pleas e-mail me if you would like me to send you a copy.

When my first was born, my mom came to stay for a week. On the day she left, she helped me change him one last time and said goodbye and I burst into tears. I was imagining her quiet, clean, empty house and I cried "Can't I just come with you?" I was a thirty year old married independent women and I meant it! The beginning is just so hard...all I wanted was sleep and to find myself again...it seemed I had been misplaced in the mad scramble to take care of the baby. I was really mad that none of my friends with kids had told me about this! My husband kept saying, "But this is what we wanted" and I kept saying, "THIS isn't what I meant!"
I promise it does get better, although it may get worse before it does! (I acutally had to call neighbors and friends to rescue us as my sleep-deprived hormone-addled mind acually wondered at one point how much sleep I could get in before the cops showed up if I let him cry on the front porch). Through it all, I loved him with all my heart! And all this with one, not twins!
It does get better, although when is different for everyone and every baby. My son is now three, has never slept or cried on the front porch, and I am due to have a baby on Feb 4th. Throughout this pregnancy I have kept telling myself to "suck it up and stop complaining...if Tertia can do it with TWINS in the SUMMER you've got nothing!" Reading what you have written has reminded me of how tough it is at first, but I know we will get through it and out to the other side with children that sleep and eat and times that will help us keep our sanity.

First time posting here, but I've been reading you for awhile. Tara (above) has it right - there is nothing fun about having a newborn, and having twin newborns was so hard, experienced through a fog of hormones and sleep deprivation, that I don't remember most of the first three months. And I at least had the benefit that my twins were not my first children so I already had that bit of the learning curve mastered.

Tertia, every parent of twins experiences the awful feeling of not being able to meet both babies' needs immediately. Rest easy that you aren't scarring them. They are fine; they will be fine. Someday soon it will get easier, and you will begin to experience the fun of twins - the "Oh my God, there are two of them!" moments. And then someday you'll be able to say "yes, it was hard at first, but now it is really great having twins because they are each other's best playmate."

Hang in there, and best of luck to you and yours,

Carrie (mother of now five-year old (IVF) twins after secondary IF)

Like most, I know exactly how you feel. I am in Germany, 5,000 miles away from my family, and I gave birth to my daughter in 2001 (did I mention that I am a single parent?). I felt TOTALLY exhausted and she was constipated, too (a tad of dark syrup in her bottle helped a lot).

I literally cried for 6 weeks. Some how, I made it through and Kennedi is a happy 3 year old, I am back in school full time and working full time.

I just want to tell you that it WILL get better. It's ok to cry, scream (don't wake the kids), blog, pace, and complain. It's totally normal (because the hormones are a tad off kilter).

It gets better, it gets better, it gets better—repeat as often as needed.

I am almost 13 weeks into this adventure and it is SO much easier now. I know that I didn't have twins, but even one baby is difficult, so I'm sure you're feeling like you're in over your head right now. My advice is to reach out as much as you can. If your mother can come over and lend a hand, even so that you can get a shower, let her. She loves these babies, too, so it's no hardship for her. And if your feelings of guilt and unworthiness continue, consider going on something. I finally went on Zoloft to get me through the first few months and it really helped me.

Don't ever think that anyone doesn't know that you love the twins and are eternally grateful for their presence. You wouldn't be feeling so wracked with guilt if you didn't love them. Just because something wonderful has happened in your life doesn't mean that it doesn't carry with it a great deal of stress.

I wish you lived down the street instead of around the world, because you'd be a great addition to our playgroup, but I'll make one final recommendation, and that is to find your own playgroup. You may think I'm crazy, what the hell do the twins need with a playgroup at their age, but it's what YOU need—the company of other mothers with little ones who can tell you that you're not crazy and that, as I said at the beginning, it gets better.

Take care of yourself!

God, those first weeks suck. I've never felt so incompetent and overwhelmed in my life. I cried for four weeks straight, at absolutely nothing.
I promise, promise, promise it will get better.
You're a great mom- you're doing everything in your power to have healthy, happy babies, and that's what's important.
And stop washing bottles after every feeding! If you have to do that, you don't have enough bottles! Buy some more, stock up, and wash them once a day. They're formula fed, right? Make up a ton of bottles in the morning, put them in the fridge, and then warm them up when it's time to eat. That should buy you a few minutes of down time, at least.

Quite honestly you are being too hard on yourself and obsessing over being the perfect mother. You are doing FINE!!!! We all have that shell shock when we get home from the hospital. You are NOOOO different! It will get easier, I promise you. You will have different things to lose sleep over (after this, it's teething! yeah!) but you'll get used to it.

As for the constipation, have you tried giving her just a bit of water in a bottle and then massaging her tummy a bit and pumping her legs against her tummy to loosen her bowels? It worked for my little guy....

As for the measured feeings, I can't help you there, since I nursed, but I wonder if you can't just feed them what they want to eat? How underweight are they? How critical is it that they get every drop?

Take it easy hon and quit judging yourself so harshly and by ALL MEANS know that your feelings are natural out here in mommyland. We all went through it!

We count on you to tell it like it is, Tertia, not paint us some effing Norman Rockwell picture. You mustn't worry about saying, doing or feeling the "right thing" -- it's clear to all of us that you're navigating the waters just beautifully.

Please be gentle with yourself. You're as fragile as those beautiful babies right now, and every bit as loved.

Tertia, I have only once before commented, but I want to thank you for your honesty. I am now 5 months pregnant, and my struggle toward maternity doesn't nearly compare to your for suffering content, but I had a devastating miscarriage this past summer. I have recently found I'm really, really scared about bringing my baby home, about figuring it all out. And I find when I ask people around me with kids, they mostly tell me it will be fine, it will all be worth it, or it's easy. It's like there's some rule against telling the truth about this stuff. But I feel heartened anyway, reading your post about this. Heartened that I'm not alone, and that EVEN someone who's worked for years to have a family can feel something other than bliss about the reality of it. So thanks. And congratulations, because it sounds like you're giving your babes your love, which is all they really need!

I love that you are being honest. You are a great mother...I have been where you are, your words echoed my thoughts a mere ten months ago. You will never stop doubting your mothering skills and you will never stop trying to force in one more bite of food! Everyday will get a little bit easier...at the time, you won't notice it. Tell yourself just to hang on until they are 6 wks old and then look back and these first few days. YOU WILL FEEL more confident. You stomach will go away, your boobs will perk up and once you get some sleep, you will have more energy. Make time to eat! See if your mom will come over for a few hours so you can take a nap.

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling. Those people with the negative unhelpful comments need to bite their tongues.

Tertia- It is so much harder with preemies. I speak from experience9daughter born at 27weeks) and I only had 1 couldn't imagine having 2. Having to force feed is just plain the pits. It's agonizing to have to wake your baby for a feed and then feel like you are inadequate because you can't get it all in them. You worry that they won't gain the proper weight etc... What I will tell you is that it does get better. It takes awhile but it does. Demand that everyone help you, doesn't make you less of a Mother. We all know how grateful you are for Adam and Kate but damnit you are entitled to be depressed and upset. Motherhood is definitely the HARDEST job in the world. ((HUGS))

You are and Amazing Mother and doing a wonderful job!

Tertia,

I'm sorry. If I could, I would offer to sit for you so you could take a shower and a nap.

My mother still tells me that I cried the first three months of my life and how difficult it was for her. Good thing is that I don't remember any of it. As for my mom, she had many more happy days afterwards.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Tertia,

Let you self feel the way you do, all new mums do (regardless of infertility or not. Though I appreciate there must be an added stress of seeming happy after infertility).

About the pooping. My daughter was terrible at pooping, was colicky, the whole bit. What ended up working really well (the doctor suggested) was putting a bit of corn syrup in her bottle (the clear kind). You just put about 1/2 - 1 tsp. in with the bottle and it works wonders!!!

Good luck and you are doing a great job, so stop beating yourself up about it.

L (mum to Jeremy - almost 4 and Eden - 26 months)

Tertia, anyone who thinks you aren't profoundly grateful for and in love with your babies is just plain wrong. I'm a mom of one, and I went through at least some of the same. The first day back to work for my husband was terrible for me. I stunk, never got out of my underwear and robe (bra-less), hadn't brushed my teeth, barely ate, hadn't slept, and felt like I had a baby attached to my boob all the time. By 3pm, I called my DH a sobbing mess. I really went through hell for the few several weeks. I even found myself resenting night-time feedings so much that I practically threw the receiver for the monitor on the floor (I did actually turn it off and never used it again at night after week 8). I can't even imagine how much harder it is with two.

What I'm trying to say is, you are by far not the first mom to feel this way...and you won't be the last. And the fact that you went through so much to get them here has absolutely nothing to do with what you're feeling now. The difficulties of caring for a newborn (and in your case, TWO) is SO great, that there is not a person on earth who could do it without some bit of well-earned complaining.

So count me among the ones who would rather you let it all out right here...vent away! We know how much you dearly love your babies.

And I am in love with the picture of Kate chewing on Adam!

p.s. Sorry this is so long, but one more bit of assvice. I have twin brothers, and my mom said that to keep the other happy (read: quiet) while attending to the other, she would whistle. Might not work all the time, but it's worth a try. And I used to put my son in his carseat/carrier and set in the bathroom while I showered...if he cried, I'd sing to him. At least I got the stink off!

It is so obvious that you love your babies and you are doing a great job {and you will continue to}.

Post partum depression doesn't care about what it took to get you where you are and is a very real thing - if it gets bad tell your doctor, it's just part of being a new mom.

hugs.

First, thank you for your honesty. It is so welcome, so appreciated.

This is not easy, and being grateful for the babes does not mean that you are not driven out of your mind with stress. It is just another way that emotions can mix together. Like you explained in earlier posts--one has little to do with the other. Your love for your children is not at all tempered by the fact that you are tired beyond belief, worried, and wondering if this will ever get easier.

I am grateful that you are willing to share this with us, to put yourself out there, letting us all know, that while you are trying your absolute best, that this isn't easy. Not at all.

(And the picture of Kate eating Adam's head is fantastic.)

xoxoxo

I just wrote a huge post above, but I forgot to add what many others here have also said...

IT GETS BETTER! I PROMISE!

T, dear,

It is SO NORMAL for you to feel overwhelmed, and the fact that you are shows what a wonderful mother you are....you're overwhelmed because you care so much. We all love you for your honesty. (And don't discount how much hormones play a role in your emotions.)

Re: K's constipation. Ask your pediatrician if you can try mineral oil. It often works like a charm for children.

What I think is unfair is this expectation that infertile mommies can't complain. You've been through so much, and now you're going to be denied every mother's right to kvetch? No. Complaining only bothers me when it's the "You think want children? Take mine!" variety.

On the other issues, I don't have much to add, except that my excellent parents always pointed out that it was their job to do what's right and best for me -- not always what makes me happy. It would have made me happy as a teen if they had butted out of my life, let me drink and stay out all night, etc. -- but they did what was good for me instead. That's what you're doing for your babies when you keep them awake to feed them, isn't it (doing what's they need, even though it's not what they or you want)? Sounds like mighty good mommying to me.

Am sending much love your way...

xxoo

Tertia, you know what? I think you are finally, finally normal. It's okay to let yourself be that. Being overwhelmed is normal for a new mother: you don't have to let infertility deny you the right to that too.

And coming from the perspective of someone who's still on the other side, looking longingly at what you have right now, what's hard for me is hearing new mothers who complain because they don't like their lives being imposed upon, they don't like babies who may have their own minds rather than being obedient pets, they don't enjoy them even when things are going beautifully. It's completely different to hear someone is sad because they want desperately to make every single thing okay for the babies, and they can't. That's not ingratitude, that's impossible.

I can promise you, you are working three times harder at this than your average mother. Because that's the way you work at everything. But this was inevitably going to be hard, and the fact that you feel it is doesn't mean you've failed. You are a good mother because you love them. Everything else is about just getting through it.

I love the picture of Kate biting Adam's head. Jeesh. Poor boy, she beat up on him in utero, and continues to do so after they've been born. :p Guess you can tell which one's gonna be in charge. ;)

Kate is gorgeous, and Adam has the most unbelievable face.

Newborns are hard. Women go batty with one, you've got two. Don't beat yourself up over needing help. They'll get less sleepy and more hungry, and then you can complain about them being awake all the time and eating you into the poorhouse.

It's okay!! You're normal! You're a great mother! Seriously. Tell anyone who doesn't want to hear you complain to fuck off. You're not really complaining, you're stating facts. In any other stressful time, like say, planning a wedding, people *expect* you to complain about how hard it is, and they sympathize and console you. Why should this situation be any different?
Of course you wanted your children, most people who have children planned them. It doesn't mean you love them any less for feeling this way, or that you're anything but a great mother- it's hard, and that's a fact. Honestly I think most people feel the same way with one baby let alone two. You're tired, hungry, overworked and stressed- and you're supposed to be nothing but happy and glowing? Bullshit. Be as honest as you want, you're just telling the truth, and you should never be ashamed of that.

Tertia,

Take a deep breath. It gets easier, I promise. One baby is exhausting; I can't imagine two. Not to further depress you, but everyone I know with twins said the first 10 weeks were a blur and that they (moms that is) spent a lot of time crying. But it gets easier. Even with one baby, the first 12 weeks (at least) is a blur. I spent at least 12 weeks living in my pajama's, showering every other day, if even, and living in a house that looked like a tornado hit it. This is a tough age because they are so needy and sleepy. But there will come a day when they suck down their bottles without prompting from you. And then you'll get your first smile and your heart will melt, your first laugh, etc. It truly gets better every month (and mind you, I say this as a mother of a 17 month old who still does not sleep through the night). The sleep deprivation is tough but many babies are sleeping 8+ hour stretches by 12 weeks, or often by the time they get to 10 pounds.

Hang in there - this too shall pass. You will again feel rested and attractive. And you will soon feel competent at this mothering business. The first weeks are very hard. Repeat after me T - the first weeks are very hard. With one that is. The first weeks with twins are hell, no matter how badly you wanted them and no matter how much you love them.

Tertia, you are so amazing, and so brave. Hold your head up; this time will pass.

Kate and Adam are so fortunate to have you as their mother.

Tertia,
please know that you are not alone in ANY of your feelings! I went through a very long period when my twins were born thinking I couldn't 'complain' because like you said, this is what I struggled so long for (4 yrs +). That is total bullshit! Being a new mom is so hard and overwhelming, and you're right - with two there is definitely no rest for the weary.

A piece of advice that stuck w/me from another twin mom is to just remember you're doing the best you can, and with twins, you can't always do things "ideally", the way the books recommend, etc.... all the things I never thought I'd do (use bottle proppers, heat bottles in the microwave, let them sleep in their bouncers all night) - I ended up doing because that's what got me through. Do what you have to do to get through these first few months and I PROMISE, things will get better.

A few practical tips based on your post... at one point when my girls were newborns my ped recommended a very small dose (don't remember how much?) of mineral oil in their bottle to help with constipation - it worked for us. One other thing -- I don't know how many bottles you have on hand, but I would suggest buying enough to get you through a 12 hr shift without having to wash any -- yes, this meant we purchased almost 2 dozen bottles...but it was money well spent, to just do ONE load of bottles at the end of the day and prepare for the next one.

You're doing a great job - hang in there...and "complain" away - you have every right in the world!

Mine is now just more than 8 weeks and I often find myself thinking that I don't know how mothers of multiples do it. Just having one is so difficult! I love my baby more than I ever knew possible, but there are moments when I wish I had the freedom of my old life. We're only human, you know? It doesn't mean you aren't grateful; it means your tired, hungry, and scared. Hang in there. I'm often told it gets easier...
You probably have no time to read, but if you get a few moments, I found Anne Lamott's book Operating Instructions very helpful in reminding me that my feelings were normal.
Your babies are just beautiful!

I have tears in my eyes reading this and remembering. It is fucking hard with twins, very hard, extremely hard, god-damn hard. It is just Hard. There are two and just as it is with infertility, only those who experience it can understand it.

Two is double everything, double feeds, double changing, double diapers, double baths, double constipation, double poops, double worries -it is A LOT. The best thing I did was have my mom, full time for five days a week in the beginning - I needed it. I had to admit to myself that I couldn't do it alone and that I was so freaking overwhelmed. I felt like I could barely care for myself, never mind two tiny babies.

I felt so inadequate and my friend with twins (who also went through infertility) said it was okay - cry it out and know that this stage doesn't last long. At the time, I remember thinking this is fucking awful, I will always be scared, tired and upset because I feel like I am doing nothing right and these two beautiful babies should be with someone a bit more competent. Right now for you is the hardest it will get and remember it doesn't last long.

As they grow, they will feed, burp and digest better - that is a fact. Get as much into their systems as you can and just keep trying - progress not perfection is the goal. I found with twins that I had to lose any idea of perfection - it was about getting through the day and getting them fed. You are doing fine - DO NOT feel guilty for how you feel. Feelings are just feelings - they aren't facts. You are overwhelmed but that in no way makes you ungrateful or not a good Mom. You are a great mom and pretty soon your babies will get easier and easier - you will become a great twin mom who knows what to expect and things will run more smoothly.

My babies are turning six months old next week and I have to say that at six weeks I truly thought I was not qualified for this - secretly I thought, "you pushed the issue with the IVF stuff and got these children that you can't handle. You don't deserve them." I finally shared that awful fear with my husband and he said to me "We are so blessed because we have these wonderful babies but don't ever forget how blessed they are to have such an incredible Mom. You are trying so hard and that is all that matters, they don't know how to be babies and we don't know exactly how to take care of them yet - we will all figure each other out eventually." We did get it worked out -they are sound asleep napping now but pretty soon they will wake and give me those huge grins and my heart will expand even more.

You are doing great and are going to be fine - just keep trying and know that you don't have to do everything perfect. You will figure each other out soon enough.
Kelly

Oh Tertia....

I could have written this post 16 months ago when my twins were born.

I wanted them so much, but once they were here, I was so totally overwhelmed. I can't tell you how many nights I rocked them both and cried right along with them.

Yet I was terrified to voice my feelings. My twins were born 8 months after the death of our daughter Marrissa, how dare I not be grateful for them? How dare I feel overwhelmed, stressed? How dare I not be grateful to have them after only three IVF's? How dare I not be happy all the time?

So I stayed quiet with my feelings. And that made it even harder.

You are doing right in letting it all out. For finding a way to process it. Motherhood is wonderful, but at times, it is damn hard. At times it makes you doubt your sanity and there may even be moments where you question *why* you wanted to be a mom so much. Doesn't mean you'd go back and undo it all. It just means you have arrived. LOL

Livia had colic, she was constipated all the time. Caleb was easy going but tried to fall aseleep during feeds. I often felt like he was being put off so I could care for her. I felt neglectful of him.

Yet here we are, 16 months later, and both are happy, well adjusted, little critters who are into anything and everything. They are a team. They love each other, love me and more importantly, BOTH know how much they are loved in return.

Your babies will thrive, you will find your sanity again. It took about four months here, but we made it. You will too.

Thanks for writing what I did not even have the courage to voice not so long ago.

Much love! xoxo

Tertia,
I know exactly what you are going through....I can completely and totally relate.
My twins were born at 36 weeks after trying for seven years to have a baby. I spent 14 weeks on bedrest and ended up having a c-section
(they were both breech) because my Preeclampsia was getting out of control.
For any new Mom, having that first baby is a confusing and scary time. Especially after such a struggle to get pg and have a baby we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make everything perfect. We feel we can's allow ourselves to complain because after all, this is what we wanted.
Remember, on top of all of these feelings and emotions you are also dealing with Post-pardum mood swings. Your hormones are all out of wack from giving birth and crying comes a lot easier than it normally would. I remember just crying for no reason and after it was over (that particular crying jag) I would try to remember why I had started crying in the first place. It's normal for this to happen at first. If it doesn't let up after a few weeks please tell your Dr.
Two babies ARE hard! What worked for me was to wear one in a sling so my hands were free to hold the other. Once they get a little more muscle control in their heads you will be able to easily hold both babies at the same time while you are sitting.
Preemie babies are very difficult to keep awake for feedings. I remember how stressful feeding times were because each of my babies took 45 minutes to complete a feed. By the time I finished with them both it was almost time to start over again. Very frustrating! Can you ask your nanny for more help at feeding time?
For me, the first month was an exhausting blur and I don't remember a lot of the bad times 4 years later. I do remember the good times and long for those days again! I know, I'm crazy! Believe me, it will get easier and you will start enjoying your babies more. You're doing a great job and what beautiful babies you've got there!

For the first six weeks after I brought my long awaited son home, all I did was cry and second guess myself.Why wasn't I happy and rosy? I just felt fat and tired and inadequate. After breaking down and talking to my sis and best friend I found out I was normal and so are you. Just because you went through hell to get those beautiful babies doesn't make motherhood any easier. Be kind to yourself, ask for help, and above all recognize that you are not a bad mother, you are a NEW mother going through a bad patch. If you continue to feel weepy, let your Dr. know. I was diagnosed with post partum depression and didn't even know I had it, I just thought I was a terrible, ungrateful, sad mommy. I am not saying you have it, but moms who have trouble conceiving or difficult pregnancies are at higher risk. (This straight from my O/B) I am so glad you chose to voice your concerns instead of holding them in. I hope it helps you a little to know most new moms (even veterans) have been in your position.

I've followed your story for sometime, but usually lurk in the background. Just coming out of the woodwork to encourage you to keep on telling the truth! As an infertile, I can tell you that I do not in the LEAST expect you to run around with a crazy-ass grin on your face while 2 babies cry and compete for your attention!

I think one of the biggest problems we have as women is that we've been given these picture-perfect scenarios to live up to, and we never can. Remember how we all thought conceiving was just a matter of having sex! LOL! Isn't that funny??? If only we'd been given the TRUTH: sometimes it doesn't happen in the first month. Or the 23rd. Or while having sex.

I think you sound like a wonderful mom. And just keep reminding yourself that they will NEVER remember the forced feedings. All they'll know is that you take care of them and love them.

Tertia -- You said "And yet every one wants me to be happy.  I feel like I am letting every one down by my tears." and as a complete stranger, I just wanted to post and say that NO, you're not letting anyone down, least of all Kate and Adam. Just because you had to struggle like hell to get where you are does not mean you can't complain. YOU CAN COMPLAIN AT ANY STEP ALONG THE WAY. At all steps. I can't really fathom what having twins entails. Hell, I can barely fathom what having ONE feels like, and I'm three weeks away from finding out the hard way.

Plus. Any parent that thinks they're doing a shit job is clearly doing a FANTASTIC FUCKING JOB.

Oh! One more thing. Adam has giant feet! And Kate clearly already has the upper hand over him. SHE'S EATING HIS HEAD. (They are very, very cute.)

Love you, asshole.

Aww honey. You're such a good mom, and just the fact that their crying upsets you tells me that you love them so much. The hardest things about babies (of any age!) is the hurts that you can't just take away. And I have so much empathy for you right now- you wanted this, so much- but not THIS. It'll get better with time, but remember this- no matter how much time, effort and money you spent to get here does not invalidate your feelings. Don't feel guilty about them- every mother I've know, no matter how together she is, goes through this. It's the part they don't tell you about having kids- probably cause there are no words to adequately explain. Just know we care about you and are thinking of you- collectively our shoulders are big and strong, and here to be cried on.

Tertia,
It is so hard right now. The hardest part for me was thinking that I had to do everything, that even when I had "help", I was the only person who could do it right. So, even though you have help, I would venture to guess that you are doing this too. You must eat and sleep and shower when you can. The babies will be ok for the 5 minutes it takes for you to shower when Marko and the nanny are with them. I took super bad care of myself at the beginning and I was CRAZY to boot. The utter exhaustion and huge hormone crash cannot be underestimated.
You are totally normal as everyone else is saying and it will get different later. The basic needs become less intense, but it's still hard. I also don't want to set you up and think that ding!, it's 3 months or 3 weeks and all of a sudden they will sleep through the night or whatever the mark of perfection is for you, it might be a really long time before things are in a pattern that you can deal with. It's messy and crazy and it changes. Please do try to take care of yourself and get everyone else to do as much as they can. Have food delivered, ask your maid to come more, ask your mom to stay w you, whatever you can do to make this first part easier. That's what being perfect would like in my opinion, letting everyone do all the stuff while you sit with your babies and learn who they are.
You're doing a fabulous job.

As much as I absolutely loved my girls, there were many moments when I wished they'd have spread themselves out by a few years...lol. That didn't make me a bad mother, it made me a NORMAL one! None of your comments strike me as anything other than exactly what goes through the brain of a woman who's in your position.

My girl's are older now, and in spite of me and all my shortcomings as a mother- have turned out quite well! I'm most positive that your babies will be extraordinary as well.

The wonderful thing about "mother nature" is that mother's forget labor and children have no long term memory until they are 4!

I think it sounds like you're a great mom and that new motherhood is just as overwhelming after infertility as it is for a regular person. And twins!

Sounds like you have some new things to add to your list of what not to say...

I just have one question about your mothering skills: how can you let Kate bite Adam's head?! (Joking. They look gorgeous. Congratulations.)

Tertia,

Just because a baby is born after years of IF and treatments doesn't magically make them somehow easier as newborns... and going through IF doesn't magically change mom into someone who can function on no sleep and amazing carbonated hormones. And anyone who thinks otherwise is not just kidding themselves, they're deluding themselves. Newborns are hard. The adjustment is hard. And I only had one to deal with. I can't imagine taking care of two preemies...

That "You wanted this, now don't complain" thing is one of the least attractive things I've ever read on any IF board anywhere. You're right. People say it. They say it about pregnant IF-ers who dare to complain about feeling sick, they say it about women who dare to say they wish they hadn't had to have a C-section -- and they say it about mothers who dare to voice the fact that .... new motherhood is a HUGE adjustment and the first weeks can be overwhelmingly difficult.

How can you not be happy when you have those precious wee things? You yourself said it, in relation to feeling sad for your dear Ben even as you welcomed Kate and Adam -- there's room for more than one emotion in your heart. You can be happy tha tthey're here, and you have them safe with you, and yet you can feel all those other feelings, of anxiety, of inadequacy, of self-disgust... Anyone who thinks you can or should only feel one pure emotion at a time seriously underestimates the human heart.

Oh Tertia. I know. Having newborn twins is just hard. And you are at the prime point for post-partum hormones. If you weren't crying, it would be odd. Claim your tears. It doesn't mean you aren't grateful. We all know that.

I hope this isn't assvice, but if you truly feel like you're force-feeding them (as opposed to keeping them awake, which I know is a drag, btdt), please talk to your pediatrician. I say this because I think the most important thing a new mom can learn is that her instincts are the BEST indicator of what's going on. If it's just that it SUCKS to keep them awake for feeds, then yeah, but if you really feel like the feeds are too big for them and they don't want as much as you are being told to give them, I would say that's a valid red flag. Any ped worth his salt (and even more conservative ones have surprised me with this) will recognize maternal instinct for the true flag that it is. So call your ped (yes, it's okay to be on the phone with them 3 times a day for the first few weeks!) and talk it over with them if you really feel like it's not right.

Otherwise, cry as much as you need to, and vent here. Anyone who thinks having newborn twins should be a cakewalk needs to be committed. You will get through. Take care of them AND you as best you can. You're doing great.

I won't repeat all the good advice and truths above, except to say, be gentle with yourself. You're going through a lot physically and emotionally also, and the sleep deprivation will keep your own recovery very slow.

Of course you don't have time to read, but there are a couple of wonderful books that made me feel less alone and less crazy and less inadequate as a new mom: the anthology Child of Mine: Original Essays on Becoming a Mother and the collection of essays Mothershock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It -- the author of the latter compares becoming a mother to culture shock. Easy reads in chunks, and so healing/reassuring.

Hang in there, and just try to hold onto the joy that's mixed in with all the frustration and terror and roiling emotions!

Just like infertility was no picnic - neither is parenthood. You will have good days and bad days. The bad days tend to feel worse in the beginning - you can't help it - hormone thing.

Go ahead and cry. And complain. But I promise you it will get better...and worse. I'm glad you're feeling this way - otherwise I'd start feeling bad myself :)

All I can say is I understand and you have every right to your emotions. Kids are hard. Twins are unimaginably difficult. I know I felt awful when my kids were colicy constantly and I remembered how much more rest I got when they were in the NICU.

It does get better, though. They move through the "Must make you eat" phase and the longer you're around them, the more you get to know them. The more you know them, the easier it is to help them.

Oh, and mine gave us the worst time with burping too. We never did figure that one out. I think the kids just learned to deal with us.

Congratulations! You are officially a mother! The guilt proves it!

Remembering a few things might help:.

1) You are doing your children a service by teaching them patience and giving them the opportunity to learn to soothe themselves when you can't get to both of them.

2) You will never ever be able to prevent them from feeling pain, or from tears. Crying is good sometimes, for them too! Painful experiences are inevitable and healthy, and although it breaks your heart, being there for them is all you can do and they will thank you for it (once they learn how to talk). That goes for painful gas as much as it does their first broken heart.

3) You did not want children so you could have saggy boobs and no sleep. Do not feel guilty about bitching about anything. Venting is good!

4) If you just had one child, you'd still be miserable. Going from zero to ANY kids is a shock. Thinking that you would have been better off with one will get you nowhere but feeling more bitter.

5) Perspective! After the first 6-8 weeks, you'll look back and already begin to forget just how bad it is right now. At 5-6 months they might both be sleeping through the night, like for 12 hours at a time, with a few long naps during the day. They might even start sleeping 6 hours at a time by 3 or 4 months. There IS sleep coming sooner than you realize. Hang on to that hope!

You are doing a fabulous job! Hang in there!

Hello ...... oh so normal .... You will be the one telling some mother out there what to expect or what to do .... you will get there ... You will learn to hold 2 babies at once and feed one and comfort the other ... but constipation, early twins, and new momness doesnt help... You will be great and forcing the babies to eat makes them healthier so that , in just a little while you wont have to feed because they will be old enough to want it on their own and allllll of it ... If you were having a great time and being able to juggle it all . you were either a goddess or lying ..... so thank you for being HUMAN and truthful.......

Some people have said that they think it is easier to have twins before you have a singleton, because that's all you know, so you don't know how hard it is. I disagree. I had a singleton, and then had my twins. In some ways, I found it easier dealing with the early weeks with the twins, just because I was a far worse mother with them, which was much less stressful on me. With my son, he cried, I jumped. With my twins, they cried, I rolled over and hoped it would stop, if they kept crying, I'd nudge my husband and try to get him to get up. If that failed, I'd drag my butt out of bed and go tend to them. I'm exagerrating, of course, but I was definitely more confident that they'd survive poopy diapers, some crying, a little crust on their chin, and I also was pretty sure that if I left a sock in their crib that they wouldn't die of SIDS.

Newborns are hard, and the rewards are few. Twins are harder. And the added pressure of feeling ungrateful and guilty if you are not in a constant state of bliss is no fun. The crying makes me think that you could also be dealing with some hormonal letdown at the same time. I'm sure you've gotten a lot of advice, but the number one thing that my mother said to me that helped, as trite as it is, is "this too shall pass."

Number two is treat yourself to at least one good night's sleep a week. With my son, I got no extra help. I didn't plan to with my twins, either, but everyone acted like that was insane, so we got a baby nurse two nights a week. On those nights, we SLEPT. We let her take care of the babies. I got up and pumped once a night, but other than that, my door was closed, the monitor was off, I didn't talk on the phone, read books for more than 10 minutes, or do anything else but get a full night of uninterrupted sleep. We couldn't really afford it, but it was worth every penny. It is amazing how much brighter the world looks when you've slept. And on the worst days, when I thought I would die, I knew that I'd get a break soon. With my son, I probably would not have been able to give him over so completely, and would have felt the need to check in on them. With my girls, I realized that this woman knew a hell of a lot more about taking care of twins than I did, and if she needed me, she'd knock on my door. And it didn't make me a bad mother if I got some help, it made me a better mother. I also learned a lot from just watching her. She was amazing, so calm, and calming to the babies. Buy yourself some sleep. It is not the same when a friend or family offers to help, because then you feel guilty and beholden, and like you have to make sure they have a clean towel, something to eat, a comfortable bed. A professional, who earns her living this way, is much better.

Lastly, you have every right to complain. I hate that when you suffer from infertility, some people think you should never complain about anything to do with your children, ever. Why, because you suffered so much more than the typical person before having children are you also supposed to suffer more after? I don't get it. You can feel grateful, and miserable at the same time. Of course you "asked [begged, pleaded, prayed] for `this.'" But "this" includes sleepless nights, crashing hormomes, poop, puke, crying and everything else that goes along with a new baby, so "this" also includes a little complaining now and then. I think anyone who knows what you went through knows how grateful you are.

And really lastly, having twins can be very hard, but the rewards are also very great. That beautiful photo of one sucking on the other's head is just the start. I have a picture just like that, and I remember standing over their bassinet watching them suck on each other in amazement. Now the smack each other and get mad at each other, but it is just as cute somehow.

Hang in there. The first 3 months are the worst, it gets progressively easier after that. And remember to take some time for yourself. Go out by yourself to lunch, with a book, and just get away from the noise and the stress. It can be very refreshing.

You're a brand-new mother of twins. You have every right to be miserable, to moan, to cry and to wish for all the world that you could just get some rest. Don't listen to the idiots who say you should be happy because "you wanted this." You wanted a child and you have two beautiful children, but it's still incredibly hard in those first few months. It gets easier, I promise you. I love my son but I wouldn't re-live his first 8 weeks for anything. Don't worry about being super-mommy. All your beautiful children need is your love and they have that in spades. You're doing a tremendous job.

What kind of mother are you? You are Ben's mother and Adam and Kate's mother. You are the best, most perfect mother they could ever have been blessed with.

The struggle you went through to have those babies in your home does not mean that it's paradise now. Be honest. Complain as much as necessary. Two newborn preemies isn't going to be easy. No matter how they were conceived, or how long it took.

You are an excellent mother. You never stop examining what you are doing, feeling and being... Indeed, you are a wonderful momma.

Tracey

I know you won't even have time to read this but I and everyone who has ever been a new mommy can relate. I had two full term babies, over two years apart, and it was hard enough dealing with one newborn at a time. Preemie twins, I can't even imagine. You have every right to gripe and beg for help.

When you want children, that doesn't mean you want interminable sleep deprivation, sore leaky boobs, endless bleeding, mood swings, and so on. You won't love them any less when you acknowledge the yucky parts of motherhood, and I think the first few weeks are the yuckiest of all in many ways.

Just focus on surviving the first few months, day by day or hour by hour. Do whatever you need to and don't take any attitude from anyone or 'helpful advice' that you don't want. You are probably deep into "baby blues" at this point, where nothing feels right emotionally and I remember all the physical stuff well myself. Things will get better, it just takes way too long, in my opinion. You will look back and wonder how you did it.

Those are the cutest pictures.

Ok, so many comments, I can't read them all. But I have to add this.

Wow, Tertia is normal.

If you didn't feel completely lost, exhausted, incompetent, and freaked out, I would wonder whether a)you were lying or b)you were on some heavy duty drugs.

You are doing GREAT!!

Tertia, you're doing great. There are no "shoulds" that will somehow make anyone the "perfect" parent. Assvice: The way that you love your babies unconditionally?...give yourself a bit of that love too. If you're too tired for that right now, we'll do it for you!

It's so important for new mothers to really be honest about their feelings. It's hard...SO hard at first. When I brought my daughter home I had no idea I'd feel so overwhelmed, tired, gross, inadequate.....

I cried all the time and there were moments I wished I could give her back. Time went on and it got easier. My wonderful Isabel is now 3 1/2 and the absolute joy of our lives. I am currently 7 1/2 months pregnant with our second and last child. It was the shock of those early months that made me wait this long to have another. I just wasn't sure I could go back to square one again.

But it's worth it...SO worth it. Everyone tells you your life will change but you just have no idea until it happens to you.

Your babies are just precious, and you are doing your best. And your best is enough!


Oh Tertia honey...motherhood is hard and, I would imagine, doubly hard with twins. You add in the raging hormones that have yet to settle down and of course you are weepy. I can still remember sitting on the couch with my oldest (he was about 3 weeks old) and sobbing because I couldn't get him to stop crying. It will get better and, until then, keep venting to us.

I am so glad to see you writing from the heart and not sugar coating things. I kept all those feelings bottled up for 2 years because I didn't think I had the right to complain.
Let me tell you it does get so much better. You are doing everything you can for your babies and the rewards you will reap from this in the future will make it all worthwhile. Sleep deprevation is horrible, don't be the hero like I was try and get some extra help in these early days so you can get some sleep!
(((HUGS)))
you are doing a great job!! They are beautiful.

Mom of 2yr old b/g twins

Oh T, hang in there. For starters, this is all new to you and you don't have one baby to deal with you have 2. My best friend had twins and she had her mom helping her all the time so don't feel bad asking for help, your mom probably is thrilled to be there also.

None of us expected you to be anything but honest, we depend on that from you and I'm sure between the hormones and you are still healing yourself, finally your babies are home with you (something that really didn't seem real to you I don't think until they were actually there physically, both of them) and most women go through PPD so imagine the emotions going through you right now and all. No sleep on top of it, anyone would be overwhelmed and you are surely not neglecting your babies. You want them to feed so they are strong, that is not being a bad mother! T, we all know how much you love Kate and Adam. Who said you were not allowed to complain? What you are dealing with doesn't sound like it's a lot of fun, not having any experience myself but I know with my best freind it gets easier as they get older. One of the best things to look forward to as they are older (if you can see this far ahead) is that they have each other to play with! :) When my friend had her twins she was going thru RN school at the same time, I didn't know how she did it all, I was working 6 and 7 days a week 2 jobs so I couldn't help her but the kids today play together (of course they fight too, haha) but anyway, she was v v overwhelmed, v teary, v emotional and she said to just hang in there (I read your post to her). She said one day you'll look back and realize you didn't do the bad job you think you are, the twins will be fine and you are going to learn with them.

Don't be afraid to ask for help and don't be afraid to be honest. We all wait for your posts and we all know how lucky Kate and Adam are to have Tertia as their "mommy"! Hang in there sweetie.
((major hugs))
Charmaine

Without reading any other comments:

You ARE going to hit your stride...I PROMISE. Also, even if you don't get to eat or shower or rest all that much, you are still a fab mother. Divine, actually.

There's no one I expect to be more teary and tired and feel less adequate to the job at hand than a new mom. No one. Don't let anyone pressure you about feeling rotten. New moms just do.

The self-image thing is hard, and it doesn't help that you are weepy and sticky and stinky and sweaty and the thing you need most (after food and rest) is a SHOWER, the accomplishment of which is akin to climbing Everest with twins in your arms. Get the food first (tell Marko/helper/mom you need food!), and the rest next (I know it's hard--let *everything* else but baby and self fall away for now), and try your best to get into some warm water at least once a day. You need it.

Oh I'm so sorry this is hitting you so hard! I hope no one is really saying you should be all honey and roses. Taking care of ONE newborn is plenty hard, I can't even imagine the challenges of doing two at once.

Even two kids (of different ages) is bad, and here I am signed up for a third ... trust me when I say that even "veteran" moms dread those first few harrowing weeks and months.

Also please believe me when I say that it gets alot-alot (as my 5yo would say) better at around 3-4 months.

I know from experience that a good night's sleep can make all the difference in the world. Is there any chance you could ask your mom or some other friend to handle a night's worth of feedings once or twice a week? Eating is really crucial too. I lived on fruit, yogurt drinks, and granola bars -- all stuff that you can hold in one hand, you'll notice.

Hang in there, it will get better. Soon Adam and Kate will be at a weight where you can trust their bodies to eat and sleep enough, and you won'thave to force them to stay awake when they want to sleep.

It is not reasonable/possible for one human to take care of two newborns single-handedly. Even one newborn is at least a two-person job.

You don't know me - but just wanted to say my mother had twins after five children and has said exactly the same as you about trying to keep them both happy, and the heartache of having to choose which one to go to first. It WILL get better! ((hug))

Lisa

Just wanted to confirm that you're doing the best damn job possible and you're a terrific mother. You're amazing.

Tertia, I really feel for you as I have stood (almost) exactly in the place where you are now. I had to be shuffled off to a mothes and babies facility with our first and the very first lesson I learned there was...you have to take care of yourself first. If you can't take care of yourself you sure as hell can't take care of your babies. Crying is unpleasant at the best of times and soul destroying at the worst, but it won't kill the babies. As hard as it sounds, try to put yourself first for a little while - eat, shower, use the bathroom - I know it goes against the grain of current pareting thought, but it just happens to be true...look after yourself first.
Many, many hugs
Anne

tertia, i'm going to sound like a right bitch for saying this, but the people who say or think they wouldn't complain or feel miserable at times in your situation are naive. a person doesn't know what it's like to care for a newborn baby of their own until they have one, period, the end. you vent all you like--it will help you get through the first two months, after which things should level out a bit and you'll begin to feel human again. of course you're grateful, and yes, you got what you wanted, and i for one would never question whether you're happy or in love with adam and kate or not. i know you are. but the first several weeks are tough no matter what for a first-time-home-with-babies mama. you're doing great.

I was going to write "my goodness, what a terrible human being you are" just to be all ironic and hardy-har-har but I couldn't do it, I just couldn't.

I echo everything said above, plus this: on top of everything else, on top of all the pressures and the lack of sleep and the hormones and the enormous physical toll of just having had TWINS, don't give yourself a hard time, for god's sake. Let yourself feel everything you're going to feel. Really, if you had a friend going through exactly what you are, what would you say? Would you tell her to shut the hell up?

It's so so SO hard, and it gets immeasurably better, it does. Give yourself a break, both practically and emotionally. And anything you're feeling, you share it right here. Think of how much you're helping other new mothers who are wondering why the hell they're so miserable right now. Much love.

Tertia, don't worry, everything you are feeling is so normal. New motherhood is SO hard and little babies are more than a full time job that you have to work at on almost no sleep. I had a little girl five months ago today and I spent many days unshowered, leaky, bleeding and shedding tears all over my new baby. But it DOES get easier. There is light at the end of the tunnel - I know it seems like forever, but if you just get through the first 3 months, it will be SO much easier. But even 6 weeks is easier! Every week you learn so much and get so much better at it all. At five months, Maggie coos and smiles and plays with toys and laughs. Feeding is so easy and she almost sleeps through the night. You'll get there- you are in the hardest part!! I am thinking about you and wishing you so much luck. You doing a fantastic job, just by loving them as much as you do.

Long time lurker.

Go easy on yourself, Woman! Babies are HARD. You have TWO preemies, a C-section scar...it is going to be HARD. You are allowed to cry, you are allowed to freak out. DO let people help...that doesn't mean you are a bad mother, that means you are a REALISTIC mother and a great one.
I promise you it will get easier...you will learn as you go, the babies will get stronger and all of you will figure out a routine. Every new mom cries and thinks they are doing a bad job at some point...if they say otherwise, they are lying. Being a mom is scary shit.
Remember: You are Gorgeous and Divine, even when you are oozing. ;-)
Lots of love to you, and thanks for the great pictures!!

the first 6 weeks with a baby/ies is hell, particularly your first time round and anyone who says they had fun was lying. Doesn't mean you aren't in love with your babe/s, and there aren't some wonderful moments, but it's not fun. Anyone who thinks you should find it any easier than everyone else because you worked so hard to get here is just mean spirited. "But you wanted this" is the "Just relax and you will get pregnant" of parenting.....you are doing a great job and it will get easier with time, 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months are all big turning points.

BTW A friend of mine who had twins used to wear two baby bjorns at once. It seemed to work quite well for her. I think you can also put two into a Didymos somehow.

I am a lurker, and have been very touched by your saga! Congratulations on Kate & Adam's arrival. IMO, having a newborn stinks, and having two has got be horrible. I love my children dearly, but I was not a happy mommy during the newborn period. That's why I am so postive two is enough for me! I would never want to go through those days again, although I would in a heartbeat to get these children, KWIM?

Hang in there, it gets better!

Tertia,

I'm a stranger, living halfway around the world and even though I know you don't know me, I felt I had to say something. We've all been tricked into thinking that motherhood is this great rose-tinted universe--a special club that we're all supposed to enjoy the moment we see both lines. We've been conned.

I was pushed to the brink even having one baby. I can't imagine what it would be like to have two newborn babies at once. I didn't sleep for days at a time, I was filthy, I was hallucinating, I thought I was going nuts. I had a husband in graduate school who had to go to class directly from work, keeping him away from the baby and I until ten o'clock at night. I was left alone with this tiny, fragile little squalling creature from eight in the morning until ten at night, most times with no help. No family within even a two hour drive. It was horrible.

It got better, but only when I realized that I needed help, which was about the same time I came out of the six-week haze (which was when I went back to work). Please hang in there--don't make the same mistake that I did, thinking that you can't complain, that you can't let it out. One baby is a ton of work, two must be an unbearable weight. If you don't let it out somewhere, it will eat at you. And don't think for a second that you're ungrateful--you're realistic. Motherhood is guilt, tears, staying up late at night (or staying up all night in those early days) and it is sometimes quite gut-wrenching. Please hang in there and thank you so much for being honest.

You are doing the very best you can, Tertia, which is the most perfect thing I think you can possibly do.

That said, the pic of the babies holding hands and Kate trying to eat Adam's head is the most priceless thing ever.

And why don't you have the right to admit you're feeling frustrated or overwhelmed -- because you went through infertility? That's crap because I guarantee you that new mothers of twins who got pregnant just thinking about it are feeling just as overwhelmed as you are right now because babies are work, and a lot of it, no matter if it was a nautral conception or IVF. They [babies] all expect to be fed and changed after they're born, period.

Thinking of you.

xxxooo,

What kind of mother am I? you ask?

You are a perfectly normal mother, as many, many others have said. I've only ever had one baby at a time, and even that was "fucking hard." You're a hero to be managing two, no matter how much it might feel otherwise to you.

Hang in there, mama.

Tertia, you can't possibly be happy when you're REM (rapid eye movement) deprived. It's physically impossible. You NEED REM sleep to survive and stay sane. I don't care how "blessed" anyone is, if you're not sleeping, you can't be fully functional. Period. You can't be happy about ANYTHING if your most basic physical needs are not being met, and quality sleep is one of those needs. So it's not only OK not to be happy right now, it's completely normal.

That being said, please believe that you are a wonderful mother. I know it's easy for me to say, and easy for everyone else to say, but we're going to keep saying it because it's true.

In about three months or so, this period that you're going through is going to be a blur, as is the first six weeks of my daughter's life. IT WILL GET BETTER. I PROMISE.

The comments to this entry are closed.

Adgator



  • Medsitters Au pairs

More Ads


| More

Alltop



Bloggy Stuff


  • Living and Loving


  • SA Blog Awards Badge




  • Featured in Alltop


  • Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape


  • RSS Feed
Blog powered by Typepad
This is the Reviews Design