Today is my last day at work, until hopefully next year May. If all goes well. If we have babies in January. Etc.
It seems such a brave, bold, jinxy step to pack my desk up. I am absolutely terrified that I will pack my desk up and things will go wrong and I will be back, baby-less in a few weeks time. Baby-less and broken.
Last time I booked maternity leave and was back before I was even due to go on maternity leave.
So I am scared to go off work. Work felt safe. Stupidly I keep thinking that if I don’t change too much in my life (like go on leave, buy baby furniture etc) then if I lose the babies it wont hurt as much. How stupid is that. No matter where I am or what I have bought, it will hurt like, well, it will hurt an unbelievable amount.
Yet, I am nervous to go off work. It seems such a bold, in your face step. It’s like announcing to the world I am pregnant and might even have a baby. Or two. I am not sure I am ready for that yet. The other day I bumped into an ex and he said “do you have any kids” and I said “well, we are still trying”. He looked at my belly oddly. And so I stammered, “well, I am pg now, but we have been trying for a long time and blah blah blah”. I can’t just blithely say “oh yay, am pg, will have baby”.
And although I would love to be wealthy enough not to work, I love what I do and I love the people I work with. I am very fond of my bunch of techie geeks. We have lots of fun at work and we are always messing around. I am going to miss being around them. Plus I work for a really great company. I love them, they love me. What if they forget about me when I am gone? I am scared if I don’t remind them daily how witty and divine I am they will forget and replace me with a younger, better, funnier model. I asked my co-workers, they said they could never forget about me and there is no other person like me (I think I heard a ‘thank g-d’ somewhere).
I am also going to miss having ‘always on’ internet access. I will have to resort to the old fashioned solar powered dial up from home.
But, I know I am doing the right thing. I need to do whatever it takes to make sure I get healthy babies at the end, and that means stopping work and doing some bedrest. It’s just, well, it’s just scary that’s all.
It feels weird not to work, I feel decadent and lazy. Oh well, hopefully in January I will have two time consuming babies who will soon make me so busy I wont have time to worry about any thing else.
Gonna miss my co-workers though. Lots.