Generalizations

I got an email from a good friend of mine, who reads my blog, that (I think) said that I am polarizing the ‘us’ and ‘them’ thing a bit too much. I think she said that because she is one of my more intelligent, intense, creative friends and I think she has about four more levels to her personality than I have. I am convinced that I am a relatively shallow person in comparison to her and other deep friends. I don’t think deep is a word that would be used to describe me.

So I wanted to respond in a way that would let all my other ‘normal’ (i.e. non-infertile) friends know that I certainly didn’t mean to polarize them. I, for one, hate generalizations. Not all fertile people are a certain way, not all infertile people are bitter, cynical bitches. In fact, I refer to fertile people as ‘normal’, because that is what they are. Normal. They behave in a normal way. And 99% of my friends are amazing sensitive, supportive, helpful and kind. They would never do or say any thing to intentionally hurt me, and nearly all of them ‘get it’.

However, through no fault of their own, some other people don’t get it. Out of 10 people I meet, only one will say the stupid things I talk about. And so yes, I am generalizing. But I am generalizing for a purpose.

First of all, generalization, and even catagorization (or putting people in boxes), is how we deal with complexity in our lives. This is a known fact. Intellectually I know that not all people wearing hats drive slowly. I know that not all male models are thick. I actually generalize more out of humor than any thing else. I also generalize to illustrate a point, and also to invoke a sense of camaraderie among us infertiles.

The ‘thems’ I talk about on my blog do not include my friends. Every single one of my friends get it. They know more about infertility than a lot of infertiles. They read my blog, they read other peoples blogs. I am honored that they care enough to educate themselves about my world, which must be a totally alien world to them. They don’t have to, but they choose to live this with me. And they have walked this path with me for a very long time.

In fact I don’t think of my ‘normal’ friends as a ‘them’. To me they are more like an ‘us’. Because they get it, they totally get it.

In fact some of my best friends are fertile. :-)

Comments

[eM]

Slag away girlfriend, being in your world has taught us so much. Yes it is a difficult world to relate to and live in - it shatters a lot of illusions and platitudes. But from a them-us thanks for inviting us to share this space, often i do feel like an outsider (often ashamed i had it so easy) sometimes i have no clue what to say, mostly i wish i could wave a wand and make it all better - but i'm here for the long haul. Love ya T.

[Lisa]

All male models aren't thick?

[Lisa]

All male models aren't thick?

[Aurora]

I can see how the generalizations come easy. I know it is hard for me to sometimes know what to say, even if I just want to help. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I worry about getting pregnant too often, knowing others can't. I suppose we all have our little demons, but I'd rather say the wrong thing with good intentions than say nothing at all.

[Julia]

I take liberties (probably too many) and lump myself in whichever category seems to apply for that particular topic.

Being from the nebulous fertile-infertile camp (those who can achieve pregnancy without assistance, but still can't seem to get a baby home), I usually find the same things offensive that strictly-infertile-infertiles do.

[DeAnn]

I'm not infertile (that I know of), but I don't mind the us vs. them comments. I never assume you mean any of us who care and follow your progress and wish you (and your babies) the best!!

That said, I definitely don't think many people could call me "normal," so thanks for that!

[Reenie]

Tertia
I don't know if I've ever posted here before, and I'll probably mess this up, but...
I have a SIL with secondary infertility, and I know a *little* about what it's like to be on both sides of the fence. I miscarried my first son and spent awhile thinking I'd never have a child. I know that people didn't know what to say to me. And it was akward. And I don't always know what to say to SIL. And that is akward, too. I wanted to say to Aurora that not knowing what to say is okay. In fact, saying you don't know what to say, but you're there for them if they want to talk, or need to vent (or scream) is probably enough. No one really knows what to say all the time. Every infertile person is different, and sometimes (like Tertia mentioned previously) one person can want different things at different times. I've found it's usually enough that you care.

[Christina]

It sounds like you have some really good friends there. Even if they are fertile. ;)