I’ve been in my cave recently. Whenever life gets a little too much for me, I tend to slink off into my cave to sit in the dark and lick my wounds for a bit. I like that it’s dark and quiet in there.
Some people, when are they down, or troubled, need to surround themselves with people, to talk about it. I need the opposite. I need to go into my cave and be on my own for a while.
I spent a lot of my time in my cave whilst cycling, or more specifically after a negative or a disappointment. I cut myself off from the world and try and fortify myself.
The cave is a safe place, you sit with your back to the wall, in the dark, facing the entrance. No one can sneak up on you and hurt you, no one can surprise you with hurtful comments. No one is there is force you to be social, friendly, happy, you can sit in your cave in your raw, naked emotion and just heal. You can be as sad and mad and raw as you want, no one will see you and be frightened at the depth of your emotion. They wont feel they have to make you feel better. It’s a time to be in your rawest state, without fear of being hurt more or being seen. I have this picture of this wild looking woman, with clothes and hair in disarray, wild, frightened eyes, back to the wall, eyes darting around to make sure she is alone and safe. When she is sure she is alone, she throws her head back and howls out in pain and anguish, until her sobbing subsides and she feels better.
And then when I feel better I come out again. Stronger, with my skin thickened and my sense of humor and sanity back in tact.
These trips to my cave have saved my sanity through out the time I’ve been cycling. I know other people who also do cave time. I’ll ask them how they are doing and they will say “I’m not that great, I’m going to go into my cave for a while, I’ll give you a shout when I am out”. And I understand perfectly. When you are in cave mode no one can or should try and help. You just need time to heal and get stronger.
I don’t know why I have found myself back in my cave. In fact I didn’t even really know I had somehow migrated back there until someone asked why I had been so quiet and I realized that subconsciously, I had gone into my cave.
I think there are a few things that sent me back to my cave, firstly, in spite of me thinking I am so ok about Ben etc, my sister giving birth has brought a lot of the pain back, pain that nearly broke me last time. I think I had an instinctive reaction to protect myself.
Then secondly, I am enormously frightened by the big 12w scan. I am petrified there will be something genetically wrong with the babies. I am pretty much convinced I will have bad nucal measurements (soft markers for Downs), which means I will probably have genetic testing done. I am petrified. What will I do if the results come back that there is something wrong? And that waiting for the results, it is pure hell. The procedure in itself is risky. I’ll probably spend the entire time in my cave.
I am also worried about tomorrow’s scan. I feel slightly less nauseas today. And that scares the hell out of me.
And so I have been quiet while I brood about this. I know going into my cave is not always good. I go quiet without even realizing it. I haven’t even spoken to my husband about it. And he is a cave dweller as well, so the two of us will each be in our own caves, not saying a word. Maybe I will feel better if I talk to him about it.
I feel better just coming out my cave long enough to write this blog. Maybe talking does help sometimes.