I am embarrassed to admit this, but I went to see a healer. My acupuncturist (yes she who was wrong about the pg but whom I still adore) recommended I go see this healer to help with my anxiety about this pregnancy. And being a sucker for any thing that will get me a baby, I decided to go. It was better than the last idea which was standing on my head, naked, in the middle of the highway. Or sleeping with my creepy work colleague (his idea, not mine).
Now firstly, let me tell you I am a cynic when it comes to touchy-feely, tree-hugging, moon worshipping shit. I am a capitalist pig, a materialistic “I’ll believe it when I see it” kind of girl. I don’t even do poetry, never mind esoteric, some-where-out-there stuff. I run a mile at the sight of a crystal or a dream catcher. So I was understandably nervous and skeptical. Plus I was raised Catholic. But what the hell. What’s another 150 bucks when you’ve spent thousands. And to be honest, I do think that I am carrying around an unhealthy amount of fear and anxiety. I thought perhaps this person could unblock something that was preventing me from losing the anxiety.
It wasn’t too bad. I was early, of course, being totally anal about time. (actually I am totally anal about every thing, my sister and her husband call us the Anal-tyns, which is a play on my surname. Not very nice of her). So instead of sitting there peacefully, getting in touch with my inner child while I waited for her, I got out my PDA, whacked through a couple of games of backgammon, got myself all worked up when I got beaten, tapping away furiously.
The healer person was what you would expect. Soft-spoken, tied-dyed purple leggings, big turquoise shirt (natural fibers), long, crystal, chandelier-type earrings, beads, spiky hair etc. Luckily no pointed hat and wart on her nose. No actually she was very sweet, if a big vague. We spoke a bit, then I lay down on her bed and she spring-cleaned my chakras. Or my aura. Or something. Anyway, they (it?) were aligned and spruced up. Apparently I have lots of stress (no shit Sherlock!) and blockages. (Actually, she never mentioned my constipation now that we are speaking about blockages).
Apparently I am way too stressed and should try and relax more. I know this. I can’t sit still, not even for a moment. Must do things, all the time. Busy busy busy. I can’t even sit still in a waiting room for five minutes. She said I should try and meditate for 20 minutes every day. I can’t do that. I can’t clear my mind. My mind is the most stubborn, obnoxious thing around. How on earth do you clear your mind any way? As soon as one thought leaves, another one pops in. It goes something like this: are my boobs sore, maybe not, could be nothing, I wonder how long this will take, hope the pillow slip is clean, wonder how much money she makes, what’s that smell, is it incense or a candle, wonder if she shaves her armpits, what are we going to eat for supper, will I miscarry, can’t believe my in-laws are spending the whole fucking weekend with us, oh shit, clear mind, think of nothing, what’s nothing?, is nothing something?, can there ever be nothing?, shut up, think of nothing, am I thinking of nothing yet?, no I’m not, because I am still thinking, stop it, stop thinking, have I stopped thinking?, NO, if I am asking that question it means I am still thinking, STOP FUCKING THINKING.
I can’t do it. Apparently you can buy a book that will help you. I don’t feel like buying the book because I think meditation is silly. Why meditate when you can pack/unpack your dishwasher, fold your laundry, read a book, moan at your husband, make fudge, tidy up, reload the dishwasher, type up shit for your blog etc.
Anyway. Although I am not going to meditate, I do think the Chakra healing thing did kind of help. Could be totally psychosomatic, but I felt much happier and calmer this weekend. Much less stressed, even with annoying in laws there the whole fucking weekend. The Whole Weekend. Although the inner peace was shot to hell this morning with Melissa’s sad news and Julie’s spotting scare.
So who knows. Maybe this Chakra shit does help, maybe it doesn’t. But at least my Chakras are neat and tidy, for the moment anyway. Not sure I’ll go back though. Might spend my 150 bucks on some new comfy track pants. To go with my spruced up Chakras and my ever expanding middle-aged spread.