Warning: Esoteric Touchy-Feely, Incense Burning, Deeper Meaning, Tree Hugging, Tied-Dyed stuff coming up.
As I lay on the acupuncturist’s table (bed?) I thought how can I pass the time? Playing Backgammon on my PDA would probably be counter-productive. Maybe I should practice a bit of visualization. Visualize my embies nestling into the plush lining and all that ethno shit. Send energy to my nether regions. Plinky-plonky water-falling, bird-singing music softly playing in background. (never been able to do that shit properly, I keep forgetting to visualize and I start thinking of other things).
And then I thought what if my uterus senses my fear and behaves like a frigid wife having duty sex? You see, and here is a major revelation revealed in an off-the-cuff manner…… I am petrified to get pg again. There, I said it. I am scared shitless about getting pregnant again. Getting pg after what I have been through is the goddamned scariest thing I will ever do. Nothing is guaranteed, every second of every day is going to be fraught with worry and fear. There is no safe point, where I can relax and say ‘well things should be fine from here’. Not the end of the first tri, or the second. Not even in the third tri.
While I am still trying to conceive I can steel myself against most of the pain. But once pg, I am totally out of control. No matter what I do, there is no guarantee the baby will be ok. If staying on bed rest for the full 8 months would help, I would do it in a heartbeat. But how on earth do you prevent placenta failure, PROM etc? You can’t.
Having been through more pain imaginable, such bad pain that I nearly lost it, I am so scared to put myself out there again. It’s like getting back on the horse after a fall that nearly took your life.
Ok, back to the ethno-bongo stuff. Now I am not one who normally believes in touchy feely shit, but I have to say I am a little worried that my fear of pregnancy is going to prevent these embryos from implanting. That my uterus will sense my fear and shrivel up like a dried prune. I tried visualizing nestling embies and all I felt was a slightly gassy feeling, and clearly farting in the acupuncture room is a no no.
Please tell me I am being stupid. That my uterus, or any other reproductive part of my body, has never listened to me before so why on earth should it now. That I have too much time to think while lying on the acupuncture table. That visualizing is all a load of shit any way so I might as well think of shopping lists and blog topics while I lie there.