I’m OK.

I’m ok cos I have to be. Don’t have a choice really. I went back to acupuncture this morning and she said its very quiet. So I said ‘should we even bother with a treatment’ and she said no. So I got up and went back to work. So it’s over. In a way I’m relieved to know. I am also totally inspired by Grrl's courage. Either I am amazingly resiliant, or amazingly stupid. But I am not giving up yet. I'm just pissed off about the 15k I've just pissed down the drain. And this was a cheaper cycle thanx to donated meds by a good friend.

I sent an email to my Dr asking him what I should do, and he said donor will give me a better chance, but only slightly. Actually, here is his email so you can see what a cute Dr I have:

Hello T.

My crystal ball is still glowing nicely, so I am still hopeful. A donor will give you a better chance, but not by much. We will see, and keep hoping.

S.

So now what? I still don’t know. But here are a few of my thoughts:

Take a month’s break and do my next cycle. I don’t normally only take one months break but I feel it will be ok. Plus time is marching on, at a very rapid pace. My fertility is already blown to shit according to the stats.

Now, the big question, donor or not…….,

I want to do the thing that has the best odds, but also without costing a fortune. If donor gave me a much better chance then I would do it. But to pay all that extra money to only give a slightly better chance, is it worth it?

I will go see the Dr and have a chat but as you can see he is not convinced donor is the way to go.

Brief history:
3x IUI’s – all neg
IVF#1 – cancelled
IVF#2 – zero fert, rescue ICSI, BFN
IVF#3 – pos, ectopic
IVF#4 – pos, mc 8w, downs
IVF#5 – pos, quads, S/R to twins, inter uterine death at 21w and pre-term lab at 26w
IVF#6 – neg

So I have been pg on quite a few of my normal IVF’s, this is the first time I have had a negative. However, I am a year older. I am 35 now.

So, if you were me, and this was your last chance, would you do donor or your own eggs?

Comments

[Tanya]

Hi T

This sucks. Still think you should let H stare into his crystal ball a little longer he knows you well and I think will advise you well (haul him away if he starts going glassy eyed and chanting though). Wish money was not an issue in this but know it always is. Thinking of you and hoping against hope for good news Friday.

[Julie]

Ah, Tertia, if I were you? If I'd gotten pregnant on three out of my last four cycles, with as good a response as you had this time? I'd be tempted to say there's life in those eggs yet.

I'm not you, but I'm facing the same question as I begin to accept my own suspicion that this cycle didn't work.

It's hard. It's really fucking hard.

[Wichever]

I´ve given up my eggs already, so maybe I´m partial. And I am only answering this because I´ve been lurking on you for years now and I know you want honest answers..so... if I were you and this was my last chance, and if genetic link was not very important to me, I´d vote for donor. Not only will give you better chance of geting pregnant, it also will give you better probabilities regarding cromosomical problems and miscarriage. And the protocol and medication will be a breeze for you after so many cycles with your eggs... But... I also think you have good chance of getting pregnant with your eggs, and 35 years old seems very young to me. Anyway Tertia, I will be waiting with you until your beta and I will be here reading and thinking of you whichever way you go, until you have your baby.

[Samuel]

Hi...nice journal!!!

[Marla]

Like you, I can get pregnant with assistance, but can't seem to keep them (4 m/c's and one child loss due to HLHS). *Sigh* We are contemplating IVF w/PGD (with an excellent lab) before even considering donor idol (idol because my RE would call in vote for the latter.)Your history reflects that you can get pg., it's knowing the chromosonal quality of the eggs & at 35... Elvis hasn't left the building, so to speak.

[Pamela]

Tertia,

having had 4 mc (but none as far along as your
beautiful boy, Ben, what a sweet sweet child)

I say, keep going -- one way or the other.

As far as your eggs go, I'd agree with these other ladies -- your eggs seem to have a good deal
of life left in them.

Don't know where you stand on the issue of prayer
but mine are with you and your eggs.

Also, for what it's worth, I too think 35 sounds relatively young and I'd def. keep trying (if $ permits)

take care. hope your acupuncurist is wrong.

yeah, no shit.

pamela v.

[Karen]

A giant crappy crappity crap crap. This just sucks so bad I don't even know what to say. I really really hope your acupuncturist is wrong and you get a positive on Friday, Tertia.

I don't know what to tell you about donor eggs, either. I can't do it because of the $$ issue, and I really want a child more than a preg. But I know the situation where you are is different. What about donot embryo? Do they do that?

*Still crossing everything that this worked.*

[Jodi]

Find out why the doctor thinks donor eggs would make only a slightly better chance. If the problem was with your eggs, then definatley go the donor egg route. Does your RE think there is more to your problem than your eggs?

[getupgrrl]

Tertia, my friend. I hope you're doing OK. Your acupuncturist sounds like one tough broad. As we might say on Karen's blog, she's an acu-ho.

I think that egg donation is a wonderful solution for bad eggs (okay, I know, duh). I'm not sure that it's been proven that your eggs are bad. If you had gotten pregnant and had multiple miscarriages (not ectopics), I'd imagine that you'd want to consider egg donation. But if your two boys were chromosomally normal, then it would seem that you can well produce some viable eggs. Did the doctors ever tell you why you lost them? (And I am so, so sorry for that unimaginable heartbreak).

One other thought: have you considered using a gestational surrogate? One nice idea might be to do two implantations next time, two embryos in you and two embryos in her, just to see what happens. If she doesn't get pregnant, the cost wouldn't be that much, and if she does, you'd be that much closer to having a child, even if you didn't get pregnant from the cycle. And maybe you'd *both* get pregnant, in which case you've complete your family within nine months.

Just a thought ....

[Tracy]

First time poster here... just wanted to say that I don't think it's your *eggs* that are bad, just your luck. Give them another try.

[Meg]

Well, shit... I'll also hope she's wrong, but think you already know the answer - fucking drag...

I certainly would give your eggs at least one more shot. No one can have a perfect - 100% - success rate, so now that you've gotten your BFN out of the way, the stats are back on your side.

Donor would make sense to me if you had crappy quality (like me), but your boys prove that you certainly DON'T. Sometimes I think there's no real reason why a cycle doesn't work, other than it just wasn't the right time. Yeah, no freaking consolation now.

I'll be cheering until you bring that baby home,
Meg

[Laura]

I say try yours again. Can you go cycle at Cornell?
Wishing you the BEST and hoping the accupuncturist is WRONG!

Laura

[Andi]

Having just this weekend made the decision to move on to donor egg myself, at age 41, after my 5th IVF BFN and one chromosomal m/c, if I were where you are now, I don't think I'd be ready yet. You have age on your side. You have the ability to make lots of lovely embryos on your side. And you had Luke & Ben. Losing them was beyond horrible, but bad eggs was not the cause.

I wish you the ability to reach a decision you can live at ease with.