I don’t watch movies. I hate movies because I am a realist and I find it very difficult to escape into fantasy when I know that the movie is not real. But then again I am odd.
However, every now and then I will watch a video if there absolutely nothing else to do. There is one line from a movie that had a profound effect on me. It was when Robin Williams was speaking to Matt Damon about his deceased wife in Good Will Hunting. He was telling Matt how happy they were etc and Matt said ‘she sounds perfect, was she?’. (I think they were speaking about whether you could live happily ever after with a life partner). And Robin said something like “no, she wasn’t perfect, she burped or farted (or whatever, can’t remember, not important), but she was perfect for me”.
Wow. That was so enlightening for me. Silly maybe, but I had always wondered the same thing. No one was perfect therefore would I ever find the ‘one’? This was obviously before meeting my husband.
I now know I have the perfect husband for me. He is not perfect by a long shot. He is stubborn, he is totally unromantic and undemonstrative. He does not say I love you very much, he does not talk about feelings, we hardly hug or kiss, we are just not touchy feely people. If I say ‘give me a kiss’, he will (half-jokingly) say ‘but I gave you a kiss this morning’. In fact we each have our own 'half' of the bed and the other person is not allowed to come in your half. Many nights you will hear a screetch "your foot is in my half". I have got up to measure the bed with a tape measure before, to work whether his foot was really in my half or not. My friends think we are a very odd couple. But he is perfect for me. He is exactly the kind of husband I need.
In the beginning, when we first got married, he was very strict, very hard. After a BFN he would get upset with me for getting upset, he would shout at me “if this is how you are going to react then I am not going through this again”. Over the years he has grown and changed so much. In a warped way, infertility has made my marriage so much stronger.
I sent him an email a while ago, giving him the link to Ben’s website and this was his reply. I was so blown away by this. He had been my rock through all the shit I have been through. I suppose you have to kind of know him to know how special this email was. He is not a talker and not one who displays his emotions at all.
He has been so amazingly supportive through our infertility hell, and always calmly says to me “we will have a child one day”. Those are exactly the words I need to hear.
My darling sweetheart,
What a lovely site for our very brave boy!!
He will always be in our memories.
He will always be our baby boy Ben and be a part of us forever.
I was very impressed by the lovely site you have created for Ben. This way he will be in our and our friends lives forever and will never be forgotten.
It was terribly sad and a very emotional experience to visit Ben's website and to remember the days we spent at the hospital. How everything else seemed so insignificant and how happy we where with our very brave boy Ben. He fought so long and overcame so many obstacles. He was a fighter just like us. He was strong and brave just like his dad. He never cried or complained about anything, he just took everything that came his way in his stride.
Eventually when everything became too much, he left this ruthless world to have some peace in heaven with his brother Luke. They will protect and watch over us from up there and this is where we will one day meet up with our brave baby boy, Ben.
With Ben in our memories, we will continue and try again, till we succeed. Our time will come and we will share Ben's story with his brothers and sisters.
Ben will never be forgotten and will be remembered as 'Our Brave Little Baby Boy Ben' who fought so strongly to give 10 days of joy and happiness.
You are an amazing wife and mother and we will get through anything that comes in our way. I know the sadness was unbearable and almost pushed you over the edge, but we got through it. We fought our way through the difficult times, so we can give ourselves another chance to make our dreams come true. You have been strong and brave and we need to continue in this manner to make sure that we get what we want.
We have been through so much and will succeed.
I love you my darling wife.
From your loving (and also sad) husband.
Isn’t that beautiful?
Then yesterday I sent him an email saying:
goodness me but I am tired of this shit, really really tired.
this is the last time I am using my eggs. i am not doing this again.
I dont care any more, i just want this over with.
We have to do what is best and draw the big guns now.
I just hope that donor would work better.
We have to do what needs to be done, so we can get this finished and live happily ever after.
It will happen. It is just how it is going to happen that is messing us around.
This man is amazing, and he says exactly what I need to hear.
He really is perfect for me.