Well it looks like this cycle hasn’t worked. I have had this feeling since the weekend and my acupuncturist basically confirmed it today. My pulses have dipped. And she knows me very well, she has correctly predicted my pg both times and my negative cycles as well. So I am about 99% sure it did not work. I will obviously carry on with the progesterone etc and do the beta on Friday, but my acupuncturist has not been wrong before. She said on both previous pregnancies my pluses have been very strong. They are weak now.
So where to from here?
I lay on the table and a million emotions and thoughts ran through my mind. Plus a few tears down my face.
I am so tired, bone weary to my soul, of all of this. I am so tired of putting myself out there, time and time again and just hitting heartache over and over again. I am even at the stage where I don’t know whether I should carry on trying. And this is me who said she would never give up. But how much money can you throw down the drain? If it was for free I would just carry on until I got it right, but it is not for free, its f’ing expensive.
If adoption was an option here in SA I would do it in a heartbeat, but is almost harder than IVF. There just aren’t any babies available. The waiting lists are so long. I have my name down, I’ve paid my money. But I hold no hope for success.
And what about IVF? What do I do now? Do I do another cycle with my own eggs or do I do donor? I honestly do not give a shit about genetics any more, I.just.want.a.baby. Now.
But will donor give me better odds? If this is negative, it will be the first negative I have gotten on a ‘normal’ cycle (the first one was cancelled and the second has zero fert and then rescue ICSI). The next three were all positive. So is there life in my old eggs? The only reason why I don’t want to willy nilly move on to donor is that it is expensive. And if it is only going to give me a very small increase in potential success rate do I want to risk spending more money.
Can I do another cycle? Do I have it left in me? I am starting to get embarrassed at how many cycles I have done. Are people looking at me thinking I am pathetic and I should have moved on long ago?
I wish I had the courage to give it all up, to accept a childfree future. I just can’t.
And in the back of my mind, death seems such an alluring alternative to the pain of today, the pain of another failure, the pain of losing my boys. I just imagine restful sleep, no more pain. I wont do it. Because I can’t do that to my husband. But if it wasn’t for him……. I am tired of being brave, I am tired of being strong. I am tired. Eternal sleep would be such a welcome escape, so quiet, so peaceful, no more pain.
And yes I know, I will hang in until Friday, because I wont be stupid enough to stop meds etc, but I know it my heart it hasn’t worked. Sometimes you just know.
All the grief of the previous hurts and the losses come back at a time like this. I feel so over-whelmed by all of the pain. I feel like my heart will tear in two. Its just so sore.
This hurts. A lot.